fairness

Hey, thanks all, for encouragement for life's deep questions. I don't really believe in god at all, but i certainly refuse to believe in a god like that. I think it came up because i've been thinking so much about my grandparents and i have so much anger towards them. I mean, i've always been sorta "fuck them, let them live in their old little world, they'll die soon enough and the world will be inherited by the next, open minded, generation." but now, that's all turned on it's head. z called again tonight and made me cry on the bus ride home. now that the dignosis is small cell instead of large cell, mom's only got 1-2 years left. Her dad is 83 and still farming. Her mom is gonna turn 80 in march. and they are the sweetest, kindest, most self-debasing people, completely christlike, except for being bigoted and homophobic. Even if i don't think of it as MY MOTHER, and just balance out who's on what team, i feel the circle of my relationships being unbalanced. I guess my mom always taught me how to be the black sheep, and while dan savage is right and we will outsmart, outlast, and outlive them on the grand scale, in my personal world...
well, no offence, but i'm making lots of trades. you wouldn't believe the people i would give my mother's cancer to instead. many of you. i'd feel sorry for you, sure, but my mom's real important to me. i'd even kill off both my grandparents if it meant my mother got to stay alive, and meet her someday grandkids.