late night cancer

lisa's in bed but i can't sleep. i don't know what got me started. maybe it was watching Jihad for love, a documentary about gay muslims. sure life is tough for them, but there were lots of scenes of kissing mom if she's there and talking to her on the phone if she's not. or maybe it's that question lisa asked earlier today that i couldn't answer. what WAS going to be my name if i was a boy? i don't know. i can ask my mom now. but how many other questions will i not think of until it's too late?
it's probably from reading her blog (kicking the cancer gator) that got me all emotional tonight. she got her scans back, and whatever, the biggest problem is all these numbers for me. it makes it hard to live in denial. plus they're lower numbers than what z originally told me, i guess i haven't been keeping up in all the changes in diagnosis. but z is. she understands. i have so much anger towards such a silly variety of people. people who say they understand. no they fucking don't. sorry dad, i know you're mom's gone, but you had her for like 50 years. i'll be lucky to have mine 30. people who live longer than my mom. really, aren't my grandparents fulfilled? don't you think they just, chronologically, make more sense to go first? people who have treatable cancer. it doesn't seem fair that lung cancer gets lumped together (ouch, accidental pun) with things that have a 90% chance of being cured. i suppose i should count myself lucky to get this fixed amount of time instead of just the "she didn't look both ways, the bus came out of NOWHERE" phone call. but goddess, the pressure. i have plans to see mom the end of june, july, and august. but what do i want to do with my mom in the summer? i need to decide fast, cause this is probably my last chance. i don't know how many more times she'll come to chicago. it's the pressure that makes me panic. i'm sure once it's too late i'll be full of, "if only i had a chance to do THIS with mom" but right now i feel pretty complete- or my denial is still convinced we have all the time in the world.