sad sad sad

i don't even know how to write about it. d asked me over to her house last night to see mitzi (whom she's still cat sitting), have dinner, and talk about things. the first two parts went well, but the last one was long and agonizing, ending with her in tears telling me to get out. i know she's manipulative, and my feelings are very easily manipulated by her, but even knowing this doesn't make me feel any better- she still makes me feel horribly mean and cruel, a heartless person who doesn't love her. and that's not true- this wouldn't be so hard if i didn't love her. i would just not be able to live with myself if i let my love triumph over common sense. she keeps saying "i hope someday you can forgive me" and she doesn't understand that that's exactly what i want, too. but she wants me to forgive her today, and that's just not something i can do.

i'm just so angry it happened now. i was so excited to be holding hands with a girl at dyke march, to not be alone at pride. you know, if you've been reading here for a while, i've had some killer sad prides. some day, some year, i will go to a pride parade in a group that has even numbers. some year, i won't be single, won't feel the odd one out of all of halsted st. but it looks like that's not going to be this year.

she bought me tickets for us to go hear indigo girls at ravinia on monday. i'm pretty confident she doesn't want to go anymore. anyone out there want to go with me, or buy the pair from me? i guess selling them would be the smartest thing to do, but i don't think i have the energy to go about doing that.

continuing to be very sad and lonely. thanks liz, krista, a for your love and support. my gratitude knows no bounds.