the fabulous laura

i still don't have time to do this. but i'm doing it anyway. susinctly, though. oh so susinctly. so, i was antsy during all the work heaped upon me in fiction writing class. luckily it looks like it's going to be fun and interesting, cause it will be a HUGE amount of work (min. 60 pages for the semester. not including journal entries.) and because i was too, too excited to see laura. as soon as i got out of class i got her text message of arrival. we chatted, we met each other, we had a flamboyant, cinematic hug. we went down to the subway and partied on the train. we ate fruit leather, shared pictures and paintings, cuddled, and talked continuously. when we got off at granville, this guy who got off at our stop said he'd been having a bad day, but us being on the train totally cheered him up. that's how fabulous it was. our good energy was so positive we were cheering up strangers instead of making them glare at us for how loud we are. we wer going to go straight to bed- yeah right. we ate party leftovers and cheese cake, looked at pictures, chatted, chatted. sure we just saw each other 3 weeks ago, but we just MET 3 weeks ago! there's so much of our LIVES to catch up on!

so i was, naturally, tired at work the next day. ch was in a dark mood, which is never fun. i was of course antsy to get my weekend going, but i was glad to know laura was well occupied with sarah, and i was so exited just to have her in town. just being with laura makes me feel like a fabulous person. she makes me realize how cool my life is, and she makes me walk around with a constant smile. so the day wasn't as long and painful as i feared. sarah seemed nice when they stopped by, but i'm always so stressed by flowershop guests, that i couldn't even tell.. plus she doesn't live in chicago yet, so i didn't want to get too attached. there's plenty of time. ch hid in the back so as not to drape his black cloud overme and my friends. but then at the end of the day, he invited laura and i up to dos hermanos for margaritas.

ever since the disasterous meeting of a and ch, i get really nervous about my friends meeting. i know laura is much like ch's college friend vanessa, and i know ch couldn't deal with her anymore. but it went well, ch said today that he likes laura, she's fun, sure she's a little obmoxious, but she's aware of it and she walks that fine line very well. granted, i can have friends without ch's aproval, but i like it when he understands. plus, laura adores ch (really now, who wouldn't?) so i'm glad he likes her back. anyway, during margaritas, laura invites emily w to meet up with us before we go out tonight. so she comes and takes the red line with the three of us. they are all wild and when emily and laura are talking bout how laura's going to bring out my inner skank this weekend, ch wiggles his eyebrows at me saying he totally believes it and approves. at this point all i wanted was a nap. i can never do anything after margaritas, and on a friday night it's even worse. so we came home and grazed, and then they went on a walk and i took a disco nap. i had fun with emily, but i think she's too cool for me.. not cool, but fun and grown up and sophisticated and has all her shit in order, or at least her sexuality and her political beliefs, and i don't think she has much grace for people who don't. so i guess when laura was asking me what i thought of her, all i could decide was that she wouldn't want to be friends with me.

we finally got ready to go out. i had alot of preparation to do- i knew this would be the last time g would ever see me, so i had to form a lasting impression. sparkly shoes, red fishnets, large print red and pink fruit micromini, red tank, pink cowgirl hat. false eyelashes. glitter lip gloss. i had the letter and the cd for g in my red patent purse. i was ready to go. ( you're wondering the track listing, aren't you? here it is:Things Happen- Kirsty MacColl, Something Comes-Erin McKeown, superhero- Ani Difranco, I Don't Know Why I Love You-Ivy, Evangeline-Matthew Sweet Girlfriend, paper bag- fiona apple, Untouchable Face- Ani DiFranco, not romantic -phranc, Angels Would Fall- Melissa Etheridge, Put It Out For Good- Amy Ray, what's the matter-catie curtis, fugitive-indigo girls, Give Me Strength-Over The Rhine, You Choose- Pet Shop Boys, Bells and Bombs- Erin McKeown, pain-the judy bats, Sad Tale- Amy Rigby, Lucy Doesn't Love You- Ivy you're gonna make me lonesome when you go -shawn colvin, 59th Street -Amy Correia) we walked out to clark and took a cab to t's, where we met emily's friends. i was getting tenser and tenser, and not sure i could meet this many new people all at once (although there was this ADORABLE dyke with a soft blond mohawk) but my phone rang, g was at big chicks. laura seemed like she was having a good time. i thought she'd probably want to stay there for a bit, and i was hoping she'd be able to meet up with g and i later. but no, she came wih me right away, she was getting tired of emily, so i was really greatful. the walk reminded me of going to t's with leah. the apartment on that street is still up for rent.

so we got to big chicks and there she was, straight girl who i'm in love with sitting in the window. she was exuberant and said the bouncer was taking good care of her. we elbowed through to the back of the bar and got in line to order drinks. and bumped into rafael- it was bound to happen sooner or later. sigh. it's so awkward for me, cause i know he's a nice guy, i just know too much, and more importantly i take SERIOUS sides. but he chatted with g, and i got our drinks, and we took over my fave corner by the pool table. we kept hoping a good song would come on and we would go dance, but one never did. and ch wasn't there to watch our purses and our drinks, so we couldn't quite just run out to the dance floor. but we chatted and told stories and drank and smoked. granted, i was the one who knew them both, but i thought it was really well balanced. i know g is good with new funky people, and i thought as soon as laura got over how incredibly beautiful g is, she would be a good conversant, too. plus, g, like everyone else in the world, seems to think i have romantic interest in laura, so she was more inclined to like her, and be nice to me.

i gave g the letter and the cd. she said, should i open it now? i said no. that wouldn't be a good idea.

then it was out of my hands. the night ended too soon. i mocked laura for making me hear this story 14thousand times already, but now i'm actually telling it myself. this blond chick was glaring at laura, then came up to her and said, i think i know you. laura doesn't know her, but it seems she was laura's exgirlfriend's previous ex. blond chick says after dating her for 2 months she hasn't had a relationship in 4 years and fears she's emotionally damaged. laura's like i was with her for 2 years. we'd exchanged rings. she's like, yeah, i guess you have it worse than me, uh. general consensus: laura is a hell of alot better adapted than the blond chick. so the bar closes, and g decides to take a taxi, and i don't want her waving on a corner of argyle, so i say we should take her a few stops south. we end up parting at the belmont station. i've had enough vanilla vodka and cokes that i'm touching her, my hand on her arm, her back. knowiing it will be the last time, and basking in her kindness to me, her friendship. laura's chatting on her cell phone with her back toward us as we say goodbye. she tells me later that she was just pretending. now look here, which girl loves me more, i ask you?

laura and i have a post mortem on the train ride home. i'm tipsy and clingy. a little tired, but coked up, and full of goodbye-saying adreneline. we come home, get ready for bed. when i'm done in the bathroom, she's crashed on my bed. i crawl in next to her and cuddle. she holds me all night while i talk endlessly about g, tell her all my stories, and she gives me secrets of hers in return. i wanted to sleep, but i'd had too much coke, and laura says she'll stay up and talk with me untl i can fall asleep. who does this? no friends in my experience, let me tell you.

we wake up much more enthusiastic than we should on saturday, for how little sleep we got. i lay out a nice german breakfast, then we go to run my errands. first to evanston, to vogue and the art supply store. laura says the chick behind the counter was totally checking me out. apparently chicago is full of cute girls checking me out that i am interely unaware of. i really like the idea, though. pity i'm too cool looking for any of them to talk to me. when we walk by gerber hart, laura wants to stop in and browse their booksale, so we do. my first step inside the door! i knew it would happen! i bought 3 more tales of the city first editions. don't tell my quicken. anyway, then we head down to the loop to buy my textbooks, and ch says he and jack are on their way to around the coyote arts show. so laura and i catch a trolley to the sears tower, drop off all my books, and take the blue line out to meet them at flash taco. the worlds tensest tacoria. but i remember this about it, and the vibe leaves once we're out of the music. i enjoy the art, as always, and i especially enjoy the giest of it, it's so chicago, new artists, creaky old buildings, funky people. we run into rafael. it's his and ch first bumping into each other since the breakup. eep! puts a bit of a damper on the festival. everyone's tired and hungry on the ride home. laura reads and i sudoku. jack and ch watch over my shoulder and tell me where to put the 7.

when laura and i get home, we're on a mission. we start the sushi rice and mix up the hair bleach. unfortunately i don't have enough powder- she is only able to bleach like 12 of my dreads, there is none left over for her hair. i read her joe meno's hairstyles of the damned- so appropriate for our project! and it looks like we'll be talking about meno alot in my fiction writing class. after the rice cools we roll up our sushi maki and i teach laura the fine art. she is very successful. her friend carrie comes over while we're finishing up the process. poor carrie. she comes to my amazing apartment to find laura and i in the bathroom, and laura's mixing kool aid with conditioner to apply to my dreads. i offer carrie beer (hard lemonade for me) eating home made sushi. are we fucking cool or what? carrie and laura reminice, and laura finishes my hair. i tidy up, etc. laura keeps saying they're going to stop talking about people i don't know, but they never do. we pick out an outfit for me- something based on my purple velvet beret, which i'm stuffing my tinfoil covered dreads in so we can go out and it can sit for as long as possible. carrie does both of our makeup. she is quite an artist!

we go and meet emily and her friends at spin. it's midnight, and i'm not really having fun, i'm glad the bar closes in just 2 hours. it's getting late and i'm starting to get tired and broody, and i can't seem to elbow my way into the conversation. perhaps with a little more effort... but it's not happening. i'm just invisible. laura's having a fabulous time. she hasn't seen carrie for ages, and there is so much to catch up on. i can't begrudge her this, but i wish i didn't have to come along. at 2, i know they're going to want to go someplace else. i know i can't do it, so i try to take some kind of control. i'm standing on the corner of belmont and halsted, saying, "ok guys, we should make a plan... what are we going to do next... are you..." and they cross halsted without even looking at me. they don't even hear me talking! we're heading back to carrie's car and laura says to me, "we're going to a diner. you might as well come with us cause i'm going to wake you up when i get in anyway." end of discussion. i have no voice. this is the moment i wish laura hadn't finally become comfortable with me, that she was still feeling all overly worried and considerate.

so i try to find the elusive diner g and helen and i went to after helen got her bellybutton pierced, but i manage to just give them a tour of boystown. we finally end up going to the golden nugget near carrie's.

i cannot begin to describe the agony.

the service is, well, diner service. i've been careful not to drink coke, and now it's a bad thing, cause i'm so exhausted i have a headache. and the diner is about six degrees. i have on my cardigan but it's not enough. the most compact i can get is to wrap it around my back and my knees and lay my head down on my knees. i'm still to cold to stand it, but this makes me tireder than cold, and i doze. laura shares her milkshake with me, but when you're that cold, even chocolate doesn't help. pickle juice makes half of my grilled cheeze soggy. carrie holds up her digital camera to take a picture of them. it takes a couple of tries to get them centered. i'm agahst. i think they'll ask someone at the next table to try before it occurs to them i'm sitting there.

when jesus laughs in my face at the pearly gates, he will take me to a diner where i'm seated with two people who know each other, who i don't know. there is nothing lonelier than being lonely with other people around you. and there will be no flames, it will just be ice, and i'll be wearing a mini skirt. and no one will ever come to the table for all eternity. the only break in the monotany will be bread soaked in pickle juice.

but this was still real life, not the afterlife, and carrie drove us home. really, cars in chicago can be marvelous blessings. i knew laura was going to ask me about the night, and i didn't know what to do. i can't lie. i'm terrible at it, she would know. i won't be all passive agressive. but how can i tell the truth? it would crush her, she would cry a little. the first thing she said was she was sorry. and i said i accepted her appology, cause i couldn't say "it's ok" cause it wasn't. i tried to be honest, i think i told her how i was extremely miserable, but didn't blame her, and don't begrudge her her good time, but wished i didn't have to be there. she explained how important it was to reconnect with carrie, and was very sorry. but it still hurts that she keeps saying that it was a perfect night. i can see how it can be a fabulous night, but i am sad that she can have a perfect night with me sitting there so obviously unhappy. (or maybe not so obvious? i tried REALLY hard not to be mopey or whiney. i hope i succeeded. laura was feeling so bad i don't think she got around to telling me how un-fun i was to be with and that's why they were ignoring me.) but we couldn't gnaw on it very long, cause as you recall, i still had lots of tinfoiled dreads under my hat, and they needed to be rinced. and i don't know about anyone else, but i can't help but feel deeply attached to anyone who rinces kool aid out of my hair at 4 in the morning.

sunday morning i woke before laura. i didn't know what to do- we'd gotten so little sleep, but i did have big plans for the day. i thought she'd like to be woken by cuddling, but she was all splayed out i didn't want to make her jump, and i could see she was dreaming, and i couldn't awake a dreamer. so i got dressed and went down to get the paper, and that got her up. she got all packed up, and i ate breakfast, and we headed down to belmont, where i was hoping we'd find knee high boots for her at beatniks. no such luck, but we had much fun. we headed to the alley just to grab some real hair dye for me, as the koolaid was rather unsuccessful. we spent way too much time there, finally deciding on limelight and virgin rose. we leave, laura looks at her clock, and says, my train leaves in 20 min. is this a problem?

EEEEP! we start waving down cabs. we rush off to union station, as rush as one can on belmont. 5 min. till we're running through union station. i find amtrak find her train, 2 min. till, there's the gate and... it's closed. no boarding 2 min. before train leaves. we both cry a little bit, and go to exchange her ticket. luckily she doesn't have to buy a whole new one. still. we go outside to regroup and find her a new ride, organize, lie to her mother, etc. then we realize- we still have a whole day together in chicago!! so we head to michigan ave. we eat lunch at corner bakery and i buy more film. i am an annoying photographer- i would love to just be papparatzi, snapping at laura until i get her to look as fabulous as she is in real life, but i don't think she'll ever be comfortable enough with the camera between us for that to happen, so i set up all kinds of time intensive timer shots. it was too beautiful of a day for her to get too frustrated with me, though, i think. and i know she'll be greatful when they come back from the developer.

we went to millenium park, and she loved crown foutain as much as i hoped she would. really- water, children, what's there not to like? we went to the bean, through the lawn, and across the bp bridge. i was barefooted, cause i was NOT wearing appropriate sandals to galavant all over chicago. we walked to the lake, then took a bus back to the sears tower. laura was carrying my sandals, and as my feet got hot, she gave me her flip-flops to shuffle around in. i felt stupid and undeserving - people should pay for their own poor fashion decisions- but also loved.

ch was at the flower shop, blowing up balloons for a monday morning early order. laura and i dyed my dreads limelight green and virgin rose violet in the flowershop sink. i don't think i can tell you how fabulous this was. or even begin to discribe the hilarity that insued. it went far beyond laura's hopes of sipping helium and taking flowers on the train.

we were back at union station 30 min before her train was sceduled to leave. we'd curled up together and she read me all of a page and a half of hairstyles of the damned when the announcements for her train got too annoying to ignore. i wasn't allowed past the ticket collector, but i peered over the peace lily, waving. and laura did turn around once, and blew me a kiss, which i caught, of course.

i was really depressed leaving union station. my weekend of fun was over, i was deflated, laura was gone, and i had to get back to schoolwork. i wanted so badly to call g, but then i remembered... i couldn't. but then i realized- i could text laura! she knew how i was feeling! she'd be feeling just as bad! but then on the el mom started texting me. she got the phone bill. i'd sent 250 text messages last month. i need to do some serious curtailing.

so now i need to sum up these 2.5 hrs of typing. actually, i need to somehow include these random snippets of thoghts from the weekend that i've stuck at the bottom here, so i wouldn't foreget them before i came to the right part in the story, but then they didn't fit in the right part. i've said before i think perhaps laura is too intense to live in the same town with me. i'm still not sure this might not be true, but i think i would certainly be willing to try if the opertunity permits. certainly, it was very lonely to sleep alone last night, even after such a short visit.
laura said when she first arrived that she had forgotten how small i am, and i felt that way too- not that i had forgotten how big she is, but i had forgotten how small i am. mom was asking me about laura, and i can't remember how i discribed her, but i said she makes me feel small and quiet and amazing. mom says you are small and quiet and amazing.
i tried so hard to make laura feel at home, giving her my keys and a cta card. she spent the first day in my apartment afraid t move, reading books for comfort, the enchanted broccoli forest and the teenage liberation handbook. later she admitted how crazy it seemed on the train, to be staying with some random girl she just met 3 weeks ago. i could be an ax murderer. i am excited for us to be friends long enough that our intense relationship is justified.
i also don't know how to deal with all the sexual tention everyone is creating around us. it makes me so angry (and you know it takes alot to make me angry) how sexualized society is. why does everyone think that because we talk every day and adore each other we are having sex? it's like the only type of friendship anyone can understand is a watered down heterosexual girlfriends tittering about boys because any sort of stronger conversation might make her think she's a lesbo. i just read house like a lotus again, after g returned it without getting to it. and since ch doesn't read this, i can quote shakespeare from it without feeling bad. it's from as you like it, one of my favourite plays: "i did not then entreat for her to stay; / it was your pleasure and your own remorse: / but now i know her: if she be a traitor, / why, so am i: we still have slept together; rose at an instant, learn'd, play'd, eat together; / and whereso'er we went, like juno's swans, still we went coupled and inseperable." ok, so perhaps my father's not about to banish laura from the kingom, but still, i think we can be as good of friends as rosalind and cecilia.