tea and guests

work today was bad. l called me in tears with family drama, than rafael called ch. made a emotional mess of him, too. god, i'm getting it from all sides. ch and i FINALLY finished up the work we had and he could go home. thank goddess i have no such emotional problems myself.

then i remembered- mairee's coming tonight. i have to clean my house. i have to come out to her tonight.

i was pretty panicked about it. l's in the u.p. a's on daytime mins, and is at work by now, too, i think. so i call g. and she, as always is fabulous. she has me tell her what i'm going to say, and he helps me decide how it sounds. and her opinion matters cause she's been on the reciving end of this very conversation! she calms me down, i tm l, she's totally sweet.

mairee and i can't make my play work, so she doesn't get to see my costumes. which i'm sure is better, cause it means we just have tea in my quickly cleaned apartment. mairee adores my apartment. it's pretty fabulous when it's dressed up for tea. i love xmas lights.

things went really well with mairee. i never ask people things like, "so, what do you think about this?" or, "how do you feel about homosexuality?" i just lay it out there, this is who i am, how it is. but she wasn't shocked or disgusted or hurt or offended or worried. she was just her usual encouraging self. then, "so," she says, "are you seeing anyone?"

so i spent the rest of the evening talking about l. mairee's so specific. she doesn't say, "tell me about her." she says, "tell me who she is." i find this to be a much different question, and it has me doing more than rattling off her list of adjectives.

ah. i need to go to bed. i ended up iming l much to late, per usual:

StarGyrrrl (12:50:13 AM): conversations like this make me glad for the written word...because goddess knows I WOULD NEVER SAY SHIT LIKE THIS IF SOMEONE COULD HEAR ME
StarGyrrrl (12:50:19 AM): oh...i'm done being sappy now, can you tell?
Rainheads (12:50:54 AM): oh, but when they're typed, i can cut and paste and put them wherever. that's much worse than being overheard.
Rainheads (12:51:14 AM): you can't fool me. i've heard you say shit like that out loud
StarGyrrrl (12:52:12 AM): never tell. i've got a rep to protect, ms. k

was that mean? i think it's funny, but how the fuck would i know? i'm no judge of such things anymore. i am so delighted daily by her, and i want to tell the world. but love letters aren't meant to be shared with the world, and really, the world wouldn't really care that much anyway, except for the voyeurs, and that's just creepy.

so lets just say, i am being loved, much more than i deserve, much more than i thought possible, especially from a girl who claims to have no heart.

(i really think it's been mailed back to her without her noticing.)