am feeling sad and lonely. am listening to gifts by the firebird band over and over again very loudly. crying just a little, and very very softly. haven't gotten anything done today. jen came over with salad, that was nice, but she helped me waste more time. wasted time online, wrote some xmas cards, then decided i HAD to go the the christkindlmarket. got there at 8.15. it closed at 8. such a waste of time. all that time on the train. my $2 now that my upass is expired. when i still haven't paid my bills, still have all those dishes in my sink.
i don't wanna go to pa. there is no safety there for me. only the deep void of the unknown.
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