pain

"...I bring you pain, Pain makes you beautiful, I'm no good for you. You're no good for yourself, Strange and it's wonderful, How you tell me what you need, the joy and the treasure, Of pain's guilty pleasure, Love's pressure painfully..." the judybats, Pain (makes you beautiful)

was in a bad state yesterday. was so tired to begin with. ch would be trying to distract me, and i'd say something like "that cracks my shit up" then i would just zone out, and the tears would come. it was the longest day. we were making and delivering right till 5. and not only was there no rest, there was this incoming order that i totally fucked up and accepted, and then ch had to fix it, and try and create it. i felt so guilty. as if i wasn't asking enough already from him as a boss. he gave me time in the middle of the busy afternoon to walk to union station and refund my ticket, and call l and hash it out. and he gave me monday back- after he was so accomadating, letting me take it off, he canceled joe so i could have my hours back since i was gonna be here. ch wanted to take me to boni vino after work, but when we got there, there were all these holiday parties going on, and no room for us. so we made other plans. i wheeled my little suitcase to the subway, and ch carried it down the subway steps for me- what a gentleman.

he got off at his stop and i had to haul the thing through the ice back home, though. so sad. and drag it up the steps, which i'd so recently drug it down. all those fucking books. i'll be mailing them to l asap, you can be sure. i can't really bear to have them in my house anymore. i hauled in my suitcase, took off my coat and sat down to take off my boots. it was so awful to have my evening be so different than i expected it to- i just sat on the floor in my vestibule with my back agains the front door and sobbed and sobbed. eventually i focused, got up, made a box of mac and cheese, checked the email, then put my newest netflix (harper valley PTA, recomended by ch) and my big botle of vodka (it has a handle!) in my backpack and headed of to ch's. he had xmas cookies for me, and cranberry juice and sprite to mix with. he made us some strong drinks, and we watched the movie and some tv, and it was good.

i went right to bed at midnight when i got home, but then l called at 1 and woke me up. i couldn't fall back asleep after that so i texted a. she called about 2.30 and we talked for 45 min. eventually fell asleep after that, but then a telemarketer woke me up at 9am. GRRRRR! i wish i wasn't such an insomniac... or didn't need so much sleep. my life revolves so much around sleep.

anyway, i laid in bed all morning reading astra by grace livingston hill, which was a bit of spite against l, it being so christiany and christian and prudish and all. downloaded some xmas music from womenfolk- thanks jamie!- and showered. really, i don't know where all the time went. i keep zoning out- something will remind me of l or of how sad i am or how my plans changed, and i'll just stop and start churning over the same thoughts again. (i've done it numerous times already just writing this entry, but that's normal for blogging, but it's not normal for the rest of my life!) it's really terribly frustrating. all i do is think about l and our relationship and talk to her in my head, but when she actually calls i get all blocked up and can't be anything but cold and curt. we'll see how long it lasts and if she's able to stick it out.

ch doesn't ever give advice, but what he says is always wise. when i asked for advise, he said, "well, l is a people pleaser, and i don't think that's going to change." and that's pretty much the crux of my decisions, the conclusions i have drawn from all this thinking and thinking and thinking i've been doing. i can only change myself- i can't make her learn to say no to me, to not keep putting me off till i'm screwed over, to tell me things and stories that are hard to say. i need to learn to hear when she's being dubious, and to know that's when she wants to say no and can't, and then not do that thing. i need to learn to control my emotions- just because i feel this way doesn't mean i have to share it, and to not be so dependent on someone outside of me.

i'm feeling very "superhero" about our relationship. it was so fun before i wasn't really paying attention, but it's true- my feelings for her have made me weak. ( you know, ani d-"sleepwalking through the all night drugstore, baptised in florecent light, i found religion in the greeting card aisle, cause now i know halmark was right...i used to be a superhero, no one could touch me, no not even myself, and you were like a phone booth i somehow stumbled into, now look at me, i'm just like everybody else.") i really related to being like everyone else at the flowershop. how many times has ch gotten an upsetting phone call, and needed to take a walk, then comes back and puts on his big smile for the customers, and i try and tease him to get his mind off what happened.... it was the exact same thing, only we were in opposite roles. not something i expected to happen. but i think being in his shoes will make me a better care-er next time he gets one of those calls.

i finally did get out of the house. i took my christmas list over to my cta route and planned my route. what is the best way to go to cost plus, CB2, voges, mertz apothecary, lush, waxmans, and perhaps stop at su van's for dinner, and/or get my ear pierced? that was actually the order i went in- red line to north/clyborn, then to chicago, then to washington. then brown line to armitage, then paulina, then back to red line's belmont to go home. i only made 2 mistakes. to go to voges i should have gotten off at grand- i had to walk down michigan ave, dodging tourists left and right. then, when i went to armitage, there's a voges right under the train tracks there! so i wouldn't have had to make that stop at all! i knew there was one on armitage, but i didn't realize it was right there. and i don't think waxmans is closest to paulina, but i wanted to check how late su vans was open- only till 6, so no chili for me! how sad- i really wanted it, i may have to go back tomorrow. it always feels like such a long walk down lincoln, but things were looking really unfamilar- and i realized i had gotten onto ashland at the six corners of lincoln, ashland and belmont. fucking diagonal streets- always getting me confused. but i did just make it to waxman's in time.

i knew i needed something to eat, and at southport and lincoln and whatever the e/w street is there is the golden apple diner. they had readers there, and cute little half booths for cozy couples (or a single person and a newspaper) i had SUCH a charming time, i felt so chicagoian, sitting in this triangle shaped diner with christmas lights and bing crosby singing christmas carols, eating my grilled cheese, drinking hot chocolate and reading the newspaper- it was full of all sorts of things i care about- air pollution from power plants on the south side, the tribune's lack of political cartoonist (and firing of them in other papers), the permit problems that led to the knocking down of the old church at fullerton, and a review of the lion the witch and the wardrobe.

from there i walked to chicago tattoo and piercing company. got two more holes punched in my ear- just hoops in them for now, but in a few months when they're healed, i can get a spiral put in- that's the jewelry i've been wanting. it really hurt- it seems each piercing hurts more. or at least, i find ear hurts much more than nose, and this time was worse than the last time, because once he put in the first hoop it wasn't over, i knew i'd have to do it AGAIN for the second. i'm obviously NOT tattoo material, as much as i'd like to be. i highly recommend them to anyone in chicago, or even anyone passing through. everyone is so nice and kind and polite and informative. and everything is so clean and sterile and explained. i wish i could have all my medical needs taken care of there. it would be perfect- chicago tatoo, piercing and wisdom teeth removal. i had a new piercer- rudy was on instead of alex. i really liked rudy- he was very nice and much more chatty than alex, who was very professional and perhaps hurt me less.

anyway, home now, blogging, listening to beautiful christmas music on solo piano- liz story's the gift and george winston's december. am feeling really good, emotionally. it's like all my emotional pain has been turned into physical pain by my piercing, and i don't have to worry anymore. my hurt is now something i can literally feel, and that's easier for me to deal with- i just take an advil or two and try not to think about it too hard. it seems to be kind of like the psycological explaination for cutting- just slightly safer and much more expensive. maybe it will change in the morning, but rignt now i feel i'm going to make it through this, maybe even still with l on the other side. a had good advice, too. that the holidays wack everything out and not to hold anyone to what they are feeling through them. to make it through new years and then worry about rebuilding. and that of course, is natalie macmaster: "get me through december. i promise i'll remember. just get me through december so i can start again."