17.9.05
the dreams from my subconcious
i was at vogue, swatching. having a terrible time, couldn't remember what things were for, where things were. things were 45" instead of 60" and i was worried i'd run out of money. they say it adds up fast. i couldn't get help they wanted me to pick up a saw and jigsaw pieces, and buy a bobbin case to use in their machines. i eventually got about 1/2 of what i needed and figured i'd come back tomorrow. i couldn't figure out why i had so much stuff, what was wrong, how they matched up. but then mom was there to pick me up. she drove me through the suburbs and i realized they'd given me green yellow blue lining pattern pieces for someone else. Shoot! patti was in the car and we were taking her home. she was grilling me on what i had- i assured her i'd get what i needed by tuesday, i was going back tomorrow. she had these huge field glasses she clipped to the window, but as we got closer to her house, she gave them to me. she wanted to know when i'd have my short story ready for her and tom to read. i think shoot! i forgot all about the short story! but mom answers her i'll have it for tuesday. then mom and patti get out of the car and mom walks patti to her door, but we're on the wrong side of this huge street, and they're having trouble getting across- too many cars. wait! i cry. i still have your binoculars! patti waits till mom gets across and is distracted. then she darts across to get them. she pays no attention to the traffic going back, cars just slow down for her. while i'm waiting, i see this cardnial doign these fancy backflips- huge circles. then i realize it's not a bird, it's this chubby kid on rollerskates. it's like the zen of rollerskating- i thought it was aganst the rules of gravity to hang suspended upside down for so long. later i show ch pictures and he says, that chubby kid looks just like me when i was young. so i go back and inspire the mom and she leaves her abusive husband and her boy becomes a competative figure skater who amazes his girl partners with his hang time. no one in the neighborhood mocks him anymore. when i'm going to bed that night, mom's sleeping in my bed like laura, and i'm cuddled up against her, and i say, did you see? today, across the street from vogue? and she says, uh huh! toys etcetera! looks like fun!
talk talk talk
well, after yesterday's lonely post, i've been queen of communication! laura called, of course, right after i'd woken up. i was doing my fave sat morning activity of reading and eating chocolate in bed. it was schoolwork, which isn't nearly as fun, but then i feel like i'm acomplishing real work. then my landline started ringing! first, jamie called this morning! she's really comming! i'm so excited. i can't wait to have 2 real live germans living under my roof. i fear i will be dropping all my schoolwork to party with them. must get it done early in the week this week! then i washed my hair (it's still limelight and virgin rose! horray!) and pop-pop called. i haven't talked to my 83 year old grandfather in quite some time, but my dad had just given him my number. poor thing- he'd tried calling all night last night but i was of course online. then i started to eat breakfast (sure, it's 2 in the afternoon, but i think it still counts as breakfast) and a called. had a long talk with her, it was really good. was glad to hear about all the new friends she's making in boulder. and i got to tell her all about laura...blah blah blah. she can't read here as often as she used to, so i caught her up with all my g excitement. it was good times.
i got to vogue 45 min before closing which wasn't nearly enough time. nothing i had swatched was still there. what a panic. i only bought about 3/4 of what i needed... i'll have to go back tomorrow. i've gotta find a good substitute for my twill. it of course is the only difficult thing to build, the suit. it MUST be there on tuesday, but how will i find a suitable substitute? my director loved that fabric. fuck fuck fuck. i'll talk to pam tonight or tomorrow morning. hopefully she'll have wisdom for me. what i did buy was totally heavy carrying it home. i don't know how to get it to the costume shop. grrr. i was having such a nice morning. then my show took over.
i got to vogue 45 min before closing which wasn't nearly enough time. nothing i had swatched was still there. what a panic. i only bought about 3/4 of what i needed... i'll have to go back tomorrow. i've gotta find a good substitute for my twill. it of course is the only difficult thing to build, the suit. it MUST be there on tuesday, but how will i find a suitable substitute? my director loved that fabric. fuck fuck fuck. i'll talk to pam tonight or tomorrow morning. hopefully she'll have wisdom for me. what i did buy was totally heavy carrying it home. i don't know how to get it to the costume shop. grrr. i was having such a nice morning. then my show took over.
16.9.05
nother funky friday (well, mostly about thursday)
one of the things i love about blogger is the way it saves my titles and i can see when i've used nother (or another, or funk, or friday) in previous posts.
so, after i typed my entry and worked so hard on my fic assignment wednesday night i (naturlich) call laura. we chat till past my bedtime, and as i'm getting my stuff ready for the next day and i realize- it's wednesday! that means, tomorrow is thursday! that means i have to turn in that assignment tomorrow!!! i need to write the last page! fuck! already so sick of it, so past my bedtime! so i have to turn the computer back on. sigh. i will never catch up on my sleep from last weekend. laura IS a bad influence on me, isn't she?
made it through lighting design, figured out my yardages in the costume shop, then the fun began. i fucking LOVE to make patterns! the act of drafting makes me feel talented and creative and useful and skilled and filled with life. it's a really simple feeling atually, but it's so large- such complete joy in what i'm doing. what would it be like to be paid to do this? it reminds me of the excitement i felt in the elevator after the meet and greet for cory & tom's movie. that feeling of excitement of creating something so big wtih so many other people, and knowing my own little part in it... it contrasts so starkly with my feelings for costuming these shows- the horror, the fear, the confusion, the ignoring of the details, the trying to forget parts i don't wanna do... so it goes. i guess i knew cory would tell me exactly what i should do, and there is no safey in the costume shop, only the sharp teeth of frances waiting to bite me from below when i fall. (i'm converting rem's out of time to mp3 while typing this, and they just sang "catch me if i fall" very apropos.")
in the patternmaking class, though. i'd "forgotten" half my supplies... all the big ones. i didn't feel like taking a whole portfolio, but i know i'll have to after this. i think i'll haul them in the mesh frieda bag from g. (WOAH! you all haven't heard about g yet! i gotta get to her next!) anyway, this really outgoing chick named jen said i could share with her. and then she's like, "are you the costume designer?" and i say i am, feeling all cool, and THEN she says, "you're name's caitlin, right?" and i'm like, hey, am i being stalked? i felt so very noticed, it's like being checked out as often as laura says i am. (does anyone else notice people checking me out? i sure haven't.) she's actually taking tom's costume construction 1 class, which meets during my workaid hours on thursday. so she's seen me racing around the shop showing renderings to patty and consulting tom about where to buy wigs. i totally felt like a rock star. well, and she would probably be totally annoying, but i was patternmaking, ain't nothin gonna faze me. it's the best fashion class i've taken so far, though i still feel about 10 years older than everyone there (when in reality it's only about 5) and, well, there's 2 black girls, a fat girl, 2 boys, and lots of brown hair. gotta like that. though i'm still the token hippie, there's a few other freaks. and everyone seems nice enough- much friendlier than my previous fashion classes.
it was starting to sprinkle, but i still stood outside and wasted too many of laura's daytime minutes, then ate thai at thai spoon. i can't make it work, to pack dinner and lunch this semester. maybe after my show. fiction writing is still fun, but so very, very much work. i don't really like the stories that my imagination is coming up with, and i feel more embarassment rather than confidence about them. but i guess the point is to develop ideas all the way into stories, rather than just discarding them and not writing anything. last week's was too boring, the feeling of a minute of christmas travel. this week's is a fantasy story that's so borrowed- part grandfather twilight, part the time traveler's wife, part sword in the stone... i have such a hard time sticking to my own ideas. if you all would be interested, i can post them, but i think fiction doesn't really fit here.
we're also required to keep a journal, and as you know i was hoping to use blog entries, but i'm not sure quite how well it will work as we're getting very specific assingments. this week it's not just another dream, but an observation, and an overheard conversation. how am i supposed to do this from the computer? i'm gonna have to get out analogblog again. sigh. i also need to do a rant... perhaps i can do it on this!
am so distracted, now. i called laura (who has company), mairee, a, mom (who talked about shopping until she got home), cound't find anyone to keep me company. i need such entertainment friday nights. sigh. i have to get some of these emails knocked out. did i tell you about z searching on craigslist personals for me? writing back to this chick is where i'm stuck. so i'm writing that, writing this, iming emily (which is making laura very nervous, which i guess i can understand, but it makes me feel a little untrustworthy- does she really think i have any good secrets to share? does she think i will share on purpose cause i'm mean or accidentally cause i'm stupid?) and of course, uploading rem. my kitchen is a mess again. i'm too tired to work though- tomorrow morning. i was supposed to have a hardworking homey weekend this week, as jamie and pi come next weekend (!!!! who thought up this timing!!! how did it come so fast?) but i think i'm going over to ch's tomorrow and pam's sunday. pam was phone call #5, the first one who could talk to me. it was funny, i of course checked the clock to see what time it was where she lived first. then i'm like, DUH! she lives at irving park and harlem! it's the same city! it's the same time zone! this is a sign my friends all live too far away.
so, after i typed my entry and worked so hard on my fic assignment wednesday night i (naturlich) call laura. we chat till past my bedtime, and as i'm getting my stuff ready for the next day and i realize- it's wednesday! that means, tomorrow is thursday! that means i have to turn in that assignment tomorrow!!! i need to write the last page! fuck! already so sick of it, so past my bedtime! so i have to turn the computer back on. sigh. i will never catch up on my sleep from last weekend. laura IS a bad influence on me, isn't she?
made it through lighting design, figured out my yardages in the costume shop, then the fun began. i fucking LOVE to make patterns! the act of drafting makes me feel talented and creative and useful and skilled and filled with life. it's a really simple feeling atually, but it's so large- such complete joy in what i'm doing. what would it be like to be paid to do this? it reminds me of the excitement i felt in the elevator after the meet and greet for cory & tom's movie. that feeling of excitement of creating something so big wtih so many other people, and knowing my own little part in it... it contrasts so starkly with my feelings for costuming these shows- the horror, the fear, the confusion, the ignoring of the details, the trying to forget parts i don't wanna do... so it goes. i guess i knew cory would tell me exactly what i should do, and there is no safey in the costume shop, only the sharp teeth of frances waiting to bite me from below when i fall. (i'm converting rem's out of time to mp3 while typing this, and they just sang "catch me if i fall" very apropos.")
in the patternmaking class, though. i'd "forgotten" half my supplies... all the big ones. i didn't feel like taking a whole portfolio, but i know i'll have to after this. i think i'll haul them in the mesh frieda bag from g. (WOAH! you all haven't heard about g yet! i gotta get to her next!) anyway, this really outgoing chick named jen said i could share with her. and then she's like, "are you the costume designer?" and i say i am, feeling all cool, and THEN she says, "you're name's caitlin, right?" and i'm like, hey, am i being stalked? i felt so very noticed, it's like being checked out as often as laura says i am. (does anyone else notice people checking me out? i sure haven't.) she's actually taking tom's costume construction 1 class, which meets during my workaid hours on thursday. so she's seen me racing around the shop showing renderings to patty and consulting tom about where to buy wigs. i totally felt like a rock star. well, and she would probably be totally annoying, but i was patternmaking, ain't nothin gonna faze me. it's the best fashion class i've taken so far, though i still feel about 10 years older than everyone there (when in reality it's only about 5) and, well, there's 2 black girls, a fat girl, 2 boys, and lots of brown hair. gotta like that. though i'm still the token hippie, there's a few other freaks. and everyone seems nice enough- much friendlier than my previous fashion classes.
it was starting to sprinkle, but i still stood outside and wasted too many of laura's daytime minutes, then ate thai at thai spoon. i can't make it work, to pack dinner and lunch this semester. maybe after my show. fiction writing is still fun, but so very, very much work. i don't really like the stories that my imagination is coming up with, and i feel more embarassment rather than confidence about them. but i guess the point is to develop ideas all the way into stories, rather than just discarding them and not writing anything. last week's was too boring, the feeling of a minute of christmas travel. this week's is a fantasy story that's so borrowed- part grandfather twilight, part the time traveler's wife, part sword in the stone... i have such a hard time sticking to my own ideas. if you all would be interested, i can post them, but i think fiction doesn't really fit here.
we're also required to keep a journal, and as you know i was hoping to use blog entries, but i'm not sure quite how well it will work as we're getting very specific assingments. this week it's not just another dream, but an observation, and an overheard conversation. how am i supposed to do this from the computer? i'm gonna have to get out analogblog again. sigh. i also need to do a rant... perhaps i can do it on this!
am so distracted, now. i called laura (who has company), mairee, a, mom (who talked about shopping until she got home), cound't find anyone to keep me company. i need such entertainment friday nights. sigh. i have to get some of these emails knocked out. did i tell you about z searching on craigslist personals for me? writing back to this chick is where i'm stuck. so i'm writing that, writing this, iming emily (which is making laura very nervous, which i guess i can understand, but it makes me feel a little untrustworthy- does she really think i have any good secrets to share? does she think i will share on purpose cause i'm mean or accidentally cause i'm stupid?) and of course, uploading rem. my kitchen is a mess again. i'm too tired to work though- tomorrow morning. i was supposed to have a hardworking homey weekend this week, as jamie and pi come next weekend (!!!! who thought up this timing!!! how did it come so fast?) but i think i'm going over to ch's tomorrow and pam's sunday. pam was phone call #5, the first one who could talk to me. it was funny, i of course checked the clock to see what time it was where she lived first. then i'm like, DUH! she lives at irving park and harlem! it's the same city! it's the same time zone! this is a sign my friends all live too far away.
14.9.05
another funny im
so, yeah, i don't have time to blog these days, since laura took up all my homework time with her delightful eight page visit. but have no fear, i'm still typing... it's just fiction writing assignments and instant messages to all sorts of people. so for your entertainment, i am posting today's im snippet:
narknon: I think I got the dogs drunk :-(
Rainheads: drunk dogs=bad
narknon: okay.. so gma called me on my cell phone and i was in the grocery store and it died.. so I got home and plugged it in my room.. and I put my dos equis down that I just bought.. and the dogs came in and knocked it over right when gma picked up.. and spilled it.. so i couldn't be like oh hold on grandma I have to clean up my beer the dogs spilled before they lick it up... so of course they went hogwild and licked it up
narknon: really
Rainheads: it's so funny. i don't know if i take you serously
narknon: about the beer...
narknon: luckily only alittle spilled
narknon: I didn't tell grandma
narknon: I just let them lick it up
narknon: becuase I couldn't tell grandma
narknon: if it was mom.. I would have!
Rainheads: i may have to post this story on my blog. so very very funny
narknon: I am glad you enjoyed it.. I found it amusing too
Rainheads: poor drunk puppies
narknon: hehhe yeah
Rainheads: yeah, mom's prolly fed dos exquis to the dog herself
narknon: okay tell me what you think about this guy
narknon: hahha yeah
narknon: mom was a wild child
narknon: I think I got the dogs drunk :-(
Rainheads: drunk dogs=bad
narknon: okay.. so gma called me on my cell phone and i was in the grocery store and it died.. so I got home and plugged it in my room.. and I put my dos equis down that I just bought.. and the dogs came in and knocked it over right when gma picked up.. and spilled it.. so i couldn't be like oh hold on grandma I have to clean up my beer the dogs spilled before they lick it up... so of course they went hogwild and licked it up
narknon: really
Rainheads: it's so funny. i don't know if i take you serously
narknon: about the beer...
narknon: luckily only alittle spilled
narknon: I didn't tell grandma
narknon: I just let them lick it up
narknon: becuase I couldn't tell grandma
narknon: if it was mom.. I would have!
Rainheads: i may have to post this story on my blog. so very very funny
narknon: I am glad you enjoyed it.. I found it amusing too
Rainheads: poor drunk puppies
narknon: hehhe yeah
Rainheads: yeah, mom's prolly fed dos exquis to the dog herself
narknon: okay tell me what you think about this guy
narknon: hahha yeah
narknon: mom was a wild child
13.9.05
so about caity
i don't think samiripoo reads anymore, but just in case:
Rainheads (8:14:40 PM): see, i have this OBESSION with makeing people type hahaha on im
Rainheads (8:14:49 PM): don't think you're special or something
Rainheads (8:15:12 PM): i talk on the phone for communication, but i im soley to say clever things to make people type hahahha
StarGyrrrl (8:17:01 PM): are you mocking me?
Rainheads (8:17:20 PM): no, i'm trying to make you laugh
Rainheads (8:17:53 PM): the std stuff, that was mocking. this is trying to make you laugh
Rainheads (8:18:48 PM): soemtimes it's a problem. case in point: cousin justine. she types something, i type a clever comeback, she types hahaha, maybe a you're so funny caity, and conversation is stalled.
StarGyrrrl (8:19:23 PM): whoa. this is important
StarGyrrrl (8:19:27 PM): people call you caity?
StarGyrrrl (8:19:31 PM): can i call you caity?
Rainheads (8:19:47 PM): NO! THEY NEVER DO! NONE OF THEM! NO! YOU CAN"T!
StarGyrrrl (8:19:59 PM): too late
StarGyrrrl (8:20:01 PM): its over
StarGyrrrl (8:20:03 PM): its all caity
StarGyrrrl (8:20:04 PM): all the time
StarGyrrrl (8:20:06 PM): now and forever
Rainheads (8:20:20 PM): LISTEN
Rainheads (8:20:31 PM): i was caity for the first 19 years of my life.
StarGyrrrl (8:20:33 PM): NOT LISTENING
Rainheads (8:20:39 PM): i ran away to a new city, a new life
Rainheads (8:21:02 PM): i knew NO ONE here, i introduced myself as caitlin, and finally, finally, something stuck.
Rainheads (8:21:35 PM): you may call me caity if you want to, but it means you see me as the western pennsylvanians see me. caity is my farm nickname
Rainheads (8:21:51 PM): caity takes me to a time in my life when i felt understood by no one, with no place in the world
StarGyrrrl (8:22:06 PM): GOOD GOD
Rainheads (8:22:08 PM): caity makes me straight, and young, and confused, and lonely.
StarGyrrrl (8:22:08 PM): fine. no caity
StarGyrrrl (8:22:18 PM): you are BREAKING MY HEART
Rainheads (8:22:54 PM): thank goodness. you sounded serious about it.
Rainheads (8:14:40 PM): see, i have this OBESSION with makeing people type hahaha on im
Rainheads (8:14:49 PM): don't think you're special or something
Rainheads (8:15:12 PM): i talk on the phone for communication, but i im soley to say clever things to make people type hahahha
StarGyrrrl (8:17:01 PM): are you mocking me?
Rainheads (8:17:20 PM): no, i'm trying to make you laugh
Rainheads (8:17:53 PM): the std stuff, that was mocking. this is trying to make you laugh
Rainheads (8:18:48 PM): soemtimes it's a problem. case in point: cousin justine. she types something, i type a clever comeback, she types hahaha, maybe a you're so funny caity, and conversation is stalled.
StarGyrrrl (8:19:23 PM): whoa. this is important
StarGyrrrl (8:19:27 PM): people call you caity?
StarGyrrrl (8:19:31 PM): can i call you caity?
Rainheads (8:19:47 PM): NO! THEY NEVER DO! NONE OF THEM! NO! YOU CAN"T!
StarGyrrrl (8:19:59 PM): too late
StarGyrrrl (8:20:01 PM): its over
StarGyrrrl (8:20:03 PM): its all caity
StarGyrrrl (8:20:04 PM): all the time
StarGyrrrl (8:20:06 PM): now and forever
Rainheads (8:20:20 PM): LISTEN
Rainheads (8:20:31 PM): i was caity for the first 19 years of my life.
StarGyrrrl (8:20:33 PM): NOT LISTENING
Rainheads (8:20:39 PM): i ran away to a new city, a new life
Rainheads (8:21:02 PM): i knew NO ONE here, i introduced myself as caitlin, and finally, finally, something stuck.
Rainheads (8:21:35 PM): you may call me caity if you want to, but it means you see me as the western pennsylvanians see me. caity is my farm nickname
Rainheads (8:21:51 PM): caity takes me to a time in my life when i felt understood by no one, with no place in the world
StarGyrrrl (8:22:06 PM): GOOD GOD
Rainheads (8:22:08 PM): caity makes me straight, and young, and confused, and lonely.
StarGyrrrl (8:22:08 PM): fine. no caity
StarGyrrrl (8:22:18 PM): you are BREAKING MY HEART
Rainheads (8:22:54 PM): thank goodness. you sounded serious about it.
required dream
k, have i told you how i have to keep this journal thing for fiction writing? and so i'm just going to print out my blog entries and fulfill that requirement. sounds great, huh? just write what i'd be writing normally and turn it in for credit? problem: i have a few assigned writing tasks. there's a daydream one. this is that.
so i'm falling asleep the other night- have i told you this? and i'm just thinking or planning or whatever, and i imagine being in mairee's house in bridgeport. we're chatting, she's standing in her kitchen, on the raised platform. she's doing something with her hands, kneeding bread dough or washing dishes. i'm on the floor across the counter from her, playing with something on the edge- the liebkuchen tin or the vegetable brush. and look up at her, so much taller than me, and she smiles down at me, her kind, knowing smile, and all of a sudden, it hits me. this isn't real. mairee doesn't live there, anymore. no one i know does. she's in baltimore. she's married. this specific comfort? non-existant. i feel such an ache for place and time. it was a familar ache, but i usally only feel this way when i dream about germany, or my mom's old house.
then there's a night dream one. this is that:
i drempt i was in germany. i had just gotten there, and i was in this garden apartment, in the kitchen with meike. i think i was living there, cause it was "my" apartment we were in. i was making plans for my time with her. we stood by the stove, drinking tea. we talked about her latest email to me. it was a long list, a very laura-like list. one of the items was erin mckeown's husband. i was very dissapointed. or maybe it was sara ryan? anyway, we were getting ready for bed, but of course didn't want to sleep- we were too excited to see each other. then we were in this church with birgit, studying these books on mideval times. was in germany doing research for a show, perhaps? the english version of the book didn't have the tables labled. we found other problems with the translation. after the head guy, the pope or tour guide or whatever was done talking, another congregation member was friendly to me in german. i smiled and nodded until i figured out that danke shön was the right thing to say. on the way home it was dark, and meike had this little girl, about 6 or 7. she had bare feet. she spoke english. we were walking ahead of meike and i was holding her hand. she had to go potty. we came to the altstadt, ,and i'm like, look, there's a klo. but you need tokens for it. bus some guy racing on the straßenbahn (which was an el car, though it was on the tracks in the street) gave us 2- they were huge, about 6 inches across. they didn't work on the klo i picked, they just fell right through the slits. but meike caught up by then and helped us pick one they did work in.
so i'm falling asleep the other night- have i told you this? and i'm just thinking or planning or whatever, and i imagine being in mairee's house in bridgeport. we're chatting, she's standing in her kitchen, on the raised platform. she's doing something with her hands, kneeding bread dough or washing dishes. i'm on the floor across the counter from her, playing with something on the edge- the liebkuchen tin or the vegetable brush. and look up at her, so much taller than me, and she smiles down at me, her kind, knowing smile, and all of a sudden, it hits me. this isn't real. mairee doesn't live there, anymore. no one i know does. she's in baltimore. she's married. this specific comfort? non-existant. i feel such an ache for place and time. it was a familar ache, but i usally only feel this way when i dream about germany, or my mom's old house.
then there's a night dream one. this is that:
i drempt i was in germany. i had just gotten there, and i was in this garden apartment, in the kitchen with meike. i think i was living there, cause it was "my" apartment we were in. i was making plans for my time with her. we stood by the stove, drinking tea. we talked about her latest email to me. it was a long list, a very laura-like list. one of the items was erin mckeown's husband. i was very dissapointed. or maybe it was sara ryan? anyway, we were getting ready for bed, but of course didn't want to sleep- we were too excited to see each other. then we were in this church with birgit, studying these books on mideval times. was in germany doing research for a show, perhaps? the english version of the book didn't have the tables labled. we found other problems with the translation. after the head guy, the pope or tour guide or whatever was done talking, another congregation member was friendly to me in german. i smiled and nodded until i figured out that danke shön was the right thing to say. on the way home it was dark, and meike had this little girl, about 6 or 7. she had bare feet. she spoke english. we were walking ahead of meike and i was holding her hand. she had to go potty. we came to the altstadt, ,and i'm like, look, there's a klo. but you need tokens for it. bus some guy racing on the straßenbahn (which was an el car, though it was on the tracks in the street) gave us 2- they were huge, about 6 inches across. they didn't work on the klo i picked, they just fell right through the slits. but meike caught up by then and helped us pick one they did work in.
12.9.05
the fabulous laura
i still don't have time to do this. but i'm doing it anyway. susinctly, though. oh so susinctly. so, i was antsy during all the work heaped upon me in fiction writing class. luckily it looks like it's going to be fun and interesting, cause it will be a HUGE amount of work (min. 60 pages for the semester. not including journal entries.) and because i was too, too excited to see laura. as soon as i got out of class i got her text message of arrival. we chatted, we met each other, we had a flamboyant, cinematic hug. we went down to the subway and partied on the train. we ate fruit leather, shared pictures and paintings, cuddled, and talked continuously. when we got off at granville, this guy who got off at our stop said he'd been having a bad day, but us being on the train totally cheered him up. that's how fabulous it was. our good energy was so positive we were cheering up strangers instead of making them glare at us for how loud we are. we wer going to go straight to bed- yeah right. we ate party leftovers and cheese cake, looked at pictures, chatted, chatted. sure we just saw each other 3 weeks ago, but we just MET 3 weeks ago! there's so much of our LIVES to catch up on!
so i was, naturally, tired at work the next day. ch was in a dark mood, which is never fun. i was of course antsy to get my weekend going, but i was glad to know laura was well occupied with sarah, and i was so exited just to have her in town. just being with laura makes me feel like a fabulous person. she makes me realize how cool my life is, and she makes me walk around with a constant smile. so the day wasn't as long and painful as i feared. sarah seemed nice when they stopped by, but i'm always so stressed by flowershop guests, that i couldn't even tell.. plus she doesn't live in chicago yet, so i didn't want to get too attached. there's plenty of time. ch hid in the back so as not to drape his black cloud overme and my friends. but then at the end of the day, he invited laura and i up to dos hermanos for margaritas.
ever since the disasterous meeting of a and ch, i get really nervous about my friends meeting. i know laura is much like ch's college friend vanessa, and i know ch couldn't deal with her anymore. but it went well, ch said today that he likes laura, she's fun, sure she's a little obmoxious, but she's aware of it and she walks that fine line very well. granted, i can have friends without ch's aproval, but i like it when he understands. plus, laura adores ch (really now, who wouldn't?) so i'm glad he likes her back. anyway, during margaritas, laura invites emily w to meet up with us before we go out tonight. so she comes and takes the red line with the three of us. they are all wild and when emily and laura are talking bout how laura's going to bring out my inner skank this weekend, ch wiggles his eyebrows at me saying he totally believes it and approves. at this point all i wanted was a nap. i can never do anything after margaritas, and on a friday night it's even worse. so we came home and grazed, and then they went on a walk and i took a disco nap. i had fun with emily, but i think she's too cool for me.. not cool, but fun and grown up and sophisticated and has all her shit in order, or at least her sexuality and her political beliefs, and i don't think she has much grace for people who don't. so i guess when laura was asking me what i thought of her, all i could decide was that she wouldn't want to be friends with me.
we finally got ready to go out. i had alot of preparation to do- i knew this would be the last time g would ever see me, so i had to form a lasting impression. sparkly shoes, red fishnets, large print red and pink fruit micromini, red tank, pink cowgirl hat. false eyelashes. glitter lip gloss. i had the letter and the cd for g in my red patent purse. i was ready to go. ( you're wondering the track listing, aren't you? here it is:Things Happen- Kirsty MacColl, Something Comes-Erin McKeown, superhero- Ani Difranco, I Don't Know Why I Love You-Ivy, Evangeline-Matthew Sweet Girlfriend, paper bag- fiona apple, Untouchable Face- Ani DiFranco, not romantic -phranc, Angels Would Fall- Melissa Etheridge, Put It Out For Good- Amy Ray, what's the matter-catie curtis, fugitive-indigo girls, Give Me Strength-Over The Rhine, You Choose- Pet Shop Boys, Bells and Bombs- Erin McKeown, pain-the judy bats, Sad Tale- Amy Rigby, Lucy Doesn't Love You- Ivy you're gonna make me lonesome when you go -shawn colvin, 59th Street -Amy Correia) we walked out to clark and took a cab to t's, where we met emily's friends. i was getting tenser and tenser, and not sure i could meet this many new people all at once (although there was this ADORABLE dyke with a soft blond mohawk) but my phone rang, g was at big chicks. laura seemed like she was having a good time. i thought she'd probably want to stay there for a bit, and i was hoping she'd be able to meet up with g and i later. but no, she came wih me right away, she was getting tired of emily, so i was really greatful. the walk reminded me of going to t's with leah. the apartment on that street is still up for rent.
so we got to big chicks and there she was, straight girl who i'm in love with sitting in the window. she was exuberant and said the bouncer was taking good care of her. we elbowed through to the back of the bar and got in line to order drinks. and bumped into rafael- it was bound to happen sooner or later. sigh. it's so awkward for me, cause i know he's a nice guy, i just know too much, and more importantly i take SERIOUS sides. but he chatted with g, and i got our drinks, and we took over my fave corner by the pool table. we kept hoping a good song would come on and we would go dance, but one never did. and ch wasn't there to watch our purses and our drinks, so we couldn't quite just run out to the dance floor. but we chatted and told stories and drank and smoked. granted, i was the one who knew them both, but i thought it was really well balanced. i know g is good with new funky people, and i thought as soon as laura got over how incredibly beautiful g is, she would be a good conversant, too. plus, g, like everyone else in the world, seems to think i have romantic interest in laura, so she was more inclined to like her, and be nice to me.
i gave g the letter and the cd. she said, should i open it now? i said no. that wouldn't be a good idea.
then it was out of my hands. the night ended too soon. i mocked laura for making me hear this story 14thousand times already, but now i'm actually telling it myself. this blond chick was glaring at laura, then came up to her and said, i think i know you. laura doesn't know her, but it seems she was laura's exgirlfriend's previous ex. blond chick says after dating her for 2 months she hasn't had a relationship in 4 years and fears she's emotionally damaged. laura's like i was with her for 2 years. we'd exchanged rings. she's like, yeah, i guess you have it worse than me, uh. general consensus: laura is a hell of alot better adapted than the blond chick. so the bar closes, and g decides to take a taxi, and i don't want her waving on a corner of argyle, so i say we should take her a few stops south. we end up parting at the belmont station. i've had enough vanilla vodka and cokes that i'm touching her, my hand on her arm, her back. knowiing it will be the last time, and basking in her kindness to me, her friendship. laura's chatting on her cell phone with her back toward us as we say goodbye. she tells me later that she was just pretending. now look here, which girl loves me more, i ask you?
laura and i have a post mortem on the train ride home. i'm tipsy and clingy. a little tired, but coked up, and full of goodbye-saying adreneline. we come home, get ready for bed. when i'm done in the bathroom, she's crashed on my bed. i crawl in next to her and cuddle. she holds me all night while i talk endlessly about g, tell her all my stories, and she gives me secrets of hers in return. i wanted to sleep, but i'd had too much coke, and laura says she'll stay up and talk with me untl i can fall asleep. who does this? no friends in my experience, let me tell you.
we wake up much more enthusiastic than we should on saturday, for how little sleep we got. i lay out a nice german breakfast, then we go to run my errands. first to evanston, to vogue and the art supply store. laura says the chick behind the counter was totally checking me out. apparently chicago is full of cute girls checking me out that i am interely unaware of. i really like the idea, though. pity i'm too cool looking for any of them to talk to me. when we walk by gerber hart, laura wants to stop in and browse their booksale, so we do. my first step inside the door! i knew it would happen! i bought 3 more tales of the city first editions. don't tell my quicken. anyway, then we head down to the loop to buy my textbooks, and ch says he and jack are on their way to around the coyote arts show. so laura and i catch a trolley to the sears tower, drop off all my books, and take the blue line out to meet them at flash taco. the worlds tensest tacoria. but i remember this about it, and the vibe leaves once we're out of the music. i enjoy the art, as always, and i especially enjoy the giest of it, it's so chicago, new artists, creaky old buildings, funky people. we run into rafael. it's his and ch first bumping into each other since the breakup. eep! puts a bit of a damper on the festival. everyone's tired and hungry on the ride home. laura reads and i sudoku. jack and ch watch over my shoulder and tell me where to put the 7.
when laura and i get home, we're on a mission. we start the sushi rice and mix up the hair bleach. unfortunately i don't have enough powder- she is only able to bleach like 12 of my dreads, there is none left over for her hair. i read her joe meno's hairstyles of the damned- so appropriate for our project! and it looks like we'll be talking about meno alot in my fiction writing class. after the rice cools we roll up our sushi maki and i teach laura the fine art. she is very successful. her friend carrie comes over while we're finishing up the process. poor carrie. she comes to my amazing apartment to find laura and i in the bathroom, and laura's mixing kool aid with conditioner to apply to my dreads. i offer carrie beer (hard lemonade for me) eating home made sushi. are we fucking cool or what? carrie and laura reminice, and laura finishes my hair. i tidy up, etc. laura keeps saying they're going to stop talking about people i don't know, but they never do. we pick out an outfit for me- something based on my purple velvet beret, which i'm stuffing my tinfoil covered dreads in so we can go out and it can sit for as long as possible. carrie does both of our makeup. she is quite an artist!
we go and meet emily and her friends at spin. it's midnight, and i'm not really having fun, i'm glad the bar closes in just 2 hours. it's getting late and i'm starting to get tired and broody, and i can't seem to elbow my way into the conversation. perhaps with a little more effort... but it's not happening. i'm just invisible. laura's having a fabulous time. she hasn't seen carrie for ages, and there is so much to catch up on. i can't begrudge her this, but i wish i didn't have to come along. at 2, i know they're going to want to go someplace else. i know i can't do it, so i try to take some kind of control. i'm standing on the corner of belmont and halsted, saying, "ok guys, we should make a plan... what are we going to do next... are you..." and they cross halsted without even looking at me. they don't even hear me talking! we're heading back to carrie's car and laura says to me, "we're going to a diner. you might as well come with us cause i'm going to wake you up when i get in anyway." end of discussion. i have no voice. this is the moment i wish laura hadn't finally become comfortable with me, that she was still feeling all overly worried and considerate.
so i try to find the elusive diner g and helen and i went to after helen got her bellybutton pierced, but i manage to just give them a tour of boystown. we finally end up going to the golden nugget near carrie's.
i cannot begin to describe the agony.
the service is, well, diner service. i've been careful not to drink coke, and now it's a bad thing, cause i'm so exhausted i have a headache. and the diner is about six degrees. i have on my cardigan but it's not enough. the most compact i can get is to wrap it around my back and my knees and lay my head down on my knees. i'm still to cold to stand it, but this makes me tireder than cold, and i doze. laura shares her milkshake with me, but when you're that cold, even chocolate doesn't help. pickle juice makes half of my grilled cheeze soggy. carrie holds up her digital camera to take a picture of them. it takes a couple of tries to get them centered. i'm agahst. i think they'll ask someone at the next table to try before it occurs to them i'm sitting there.
when jesus laughs in my face at the pearly gates, he will take me to a diner where i'm seated with two people who know each other, who i don't know. there is nothing lonelier than being lonely with other people around you. and there will be no flames, it will just be ice, and i'll be wearing a mini skirt. and no one will ever come to the table for all eternity. the only break in the monotany will be bread soaked in pickle juice.
but this was still real life, not the afterlife, and carrie drove us home. really, cars in chicago can be marvelous blessings. i knew laura was going to ask me about the night, and i didn't know what to do. i can't lie. i'm terrible at it, she would know. i won't be all passive agressive. but how can i tell the truth? it would crush her, she would cry a little. the first thing she said was she was sorry. and i said i accepted her appology, cause i couldn't say "it's ok" cause it wasn't. i tried to be honest, i think i told her how i was extremely miserable, but didn't blame her, and don't begrudge her her good time, but wished i didn't have to be there. she explained how important it was to reconnect with carrie, and was very sorry. but it still hurts that she keeps saying that it was a perfect night. i can see how it can be a fabulous night, but i am sad that she can have a perfect night with me sitting there so obviously unhappy. (or maybe not so obvious? i tried REALLY hard not to be mopey or whiney. i hope i succeeded. laura was feeling so bad i don't think she got around to telling me how un-fun i was to be with and that's why they were ignoring me.) but we couldn't gnaw on it very long, cause as you recall, i still had lots of tinfoiled dreads under my hat, and they needed to be rinced. and i don't know about anyone else, but i can't help but feel deeply attached to anyone who rinces kool aid out of my hair at 4 in the morning.
sunday morning i woke before laura. i didn't know what to do- we'd gotten so little sleep, but i did have big plans for the day. i thought she'd like to be woken by cuddling, but she was all splayed out i didn't want to make her jump, and i could see she was dreaming, and i couldn't awake a dreamer. so i got dressed and went down to get the paper, and that got her up. she got all packed up, and i ate breakfast, and we headed down to belmont, where i was hoping we'd find knee high boots for her at beatniks. no such luck, but we had much fun. we headed to the alley just to grab some real hair dye for me, as the koolaid was rather unsuccessful. we spent way too much time there, finally deciding on limelight and virgin rose. we leave, laura looks at her clock, and says, my train leaves in 20 min. is this a problem?
EEEEP! we start waving down cabs. we rush off to union station, as rush as one can on belmont. 5 min. till we're running through union station. i find amtrak find her train, 2 min. till, there's the gate and... it's closed. no boarding 2 min. before train leaves. we both cry a little bit, and go to exchange her ticket. luckily she doesn't have to buy a whole new one. still. we go outside to regroup and find her a new ride, organize, lie to her mother, etc. then we realize- we still have a whole day together in chicago!! so we head to michigan ave. we eat lunch at corner bakery and i buy more film. i am an annoying photographer- i would love to just be papparatzi, snapping at laura until i get her to look as fabulous as she is in real life, but i don't think she'll ever be comfortable enough with the camera between us for that to happen, so i set up all kinds of time intensive timer shots. it was too beautiful of a day for her to get too frustrated with me, though, i think. and i know she'll be greatful when they come back from the developer.
we went to millenium park, and she loved crown foutain as much as i hoped she would. really- water, children, what's there not to like? we went to the bean, through the lawn, and across the bp bridge. i was barefooted, cause i was NOT wearing appropriate sandals to galavant all over chicago. we walked to the lake, then took a bus back to the sears tower. laura was carrying my sandals, and as my feet got hot, she gave me her flip-flops to shuffle around in. i felt stupid and undeserving - people should pay for their own poor fashion decisions- but also loved.
ch was at the flower shop, blowing up balloons for a monday morning early order. laura and i dyed my dreads limelight green and virgin rose violet in the flowershop sink. i don't think i can tell you how fabulous this was. or even begin to discribe the hilarity that insued. it went far beyond laura's hopes of sipping helium and taking flowers on the train.
we were back at union station 30 min before her train was sceduled to leave. we'd curled up together and she read me all of a page and a half of hairstyles of the damned when the announcements for her train got too annoying to ignore. i wasn't allowed past the ticket collector, but i peered over the peace lily, waving. and laura did turn around once, and blew me a kiss, which i caught, of course.
i was really depressed leaving union station. my weekend of fun was over, i was deflated, laura was gone, and i had to get back to schoolwork. i wanted so badly to call g, but then i remembered... i couldn't. but then i realized- i could text laura! she knew how i was feeling! she'd be feeling just as bad! but then on the el mom started texting me. she got the phone bill. i'd sent 250 text messages last month. i need to do some serious curtailing.
so now i need to sum up these 2.5 hrs of typing. actually, i need to somehow include these random snippets of thoghts from the weekend that i've stuck at the bottom here, so i wouldn't foreget them before i came to the right part in the story, but then they didn't fit in the right part. i've said before i think perhaps laura is too intense to live in the same town with me. i'm still not sure this might not be true, but i think i would certainly be willing to try if the opertunity permits. certainly, it was very lonely to sleep alone last night, even after such a short visit.
laura said when she first arrived that she had forgotten how small i am, and i felt that way too- not that i had forgotten how big she is, but i had forgotten how small i am. mom was asking me about laura, and i can't remember how i discribed her, but i said she makes me feel small and quiet and amazing. mom says you are small and quiet and amazing.
i tried so hard to make laura feel at home, giving her my keys and a cta card. she spent the first day in my apartment afraid t move, reading books for comfort, the enchanted broccoli forest and the teenage liberation handbook. later she admitted how crazy it seemed on the train, to be staying with some random girl she just met 3 weeks ago. i could be an ax murderer. i am excited for us to be friends long enough that our intense relationship is justified.
i also don't know how to deal with all the sexual tention everyone is creating around us. it makes me so angry (and you know it takes alot to make me angry) how sexualized society is. why does everyone think that because we talk every day and adore each other we are having sex? it's like the only type of friendship anyone can understand is a watered down heterosexual girlfriends tittering about boys because any sort of stronger conversation might make her think she's a lesbo. i just read house like a lotus again, after g returned it without getting to it. and since ch doesn't read this, i can quote shakespeare from it without feeling bad. it's from as you like it, one of my favourite plays: "i did not then entreat for her to stay; / it was your pleasure and your own remorse: / but now i know her: if she be a traitor, / why, so am i: we still have slept together; rose at an instant, learn'd, play'd, eat together; / and whereso'er we went, like juno's swans, still we went coupled and inseperable." ok, so perhaps my father's not about to banish laura from the kingom, but still, i think we can be as good of friends as rosalind and cecilia.
so i was, naturally, tired at work the next day. ch was in a dark mood, which is never fun. i was of course antsy to get my weekend going, but i was glad to know laura was well occupied with sarah, and i was so exited just to have her in town. just being with laura makes me feel like a fabulous person. she makes me realize how cool my life is, and she makes me walk around with a constant smile. so the day wasn't as long and painful as i feared. sarah seemed nice when they stopped by, but i'm always so stressed by flowershop guests, that i couldn't even tell.. plus she doesn't live in chicago yet, so i didn't want to get too attached. there's plenty of time. ch hid in the back so as not to drape his black cloud overme and my friends. but then at the end of the day, he invited laura and i up to dos hermanos for margaritas.
ever since the disasterous meeting of a and ch, i get really nervous about my friends meeting. i know laura is much like ch's college friend vanessa, and i know ch couldn't deal with her anymore. but it went well, ch said today that he likes laura, she's fun, sure she's a little obmoxious, but she's aware of it and she walks that fine line very well. granted, i can have friends without ch's aproval, but i like it when he understands. plus, laura adores ch (really now, who wouldn't?) so i'm glad he likes her back. anyway, during margaritas, laura invites emily w to meet up with us before we go out tonight. so she comes and takes the red line with the three of us. they are all wild and when emily and laura are talking bout how laura's going to bring out my inner skank this weekend, ch wiggles his eyebrows at me saying he totally believes it and approves. at this point all i wanted was a nap. i can never do anything after margaritas, and on a friday night it's even worse. so we came home and grazed, and then they went on a walk and i took a disco nap. i had fun with emily, but i think she's too cool for me.. not cool, but fun and grown up and sophisticated and has all her shit in order, or at least her sexuality and her political beliefs, and i don't think she has much grace for people who don't. so i guess when laura was asking me what i thought of her, all i could decide was that she wouldn't want to be friends with me.
we finally got ready to go out. i had alot of preparation to do- i knew this would be the last time g would ever see me, so i had to form a lasting impression. sparkly shoes, red fishnets, large print red and pink fruit micromini, red tank, pink cowgirl hat. false eyelashes. glitter lip gloss. i had the letter and the cd for g in my red patent purse. i was ready to go. ( you're wondering the track listing, aren't you? here it is:Things Happen- Kirsty MacColl, Something Comes-Erin McKeown, superhero- Ani Difranco, I Don't Know Why I Love You-Ivy, Evangeline-Matthew Sweet Girlfriend, paper bag- fiona apple, Untouchable Face- Ani DiFranco, not romantic -phranc, Angels Would Fall- Melissa Etheridge, Put It Out For Good- Amy Ray, what's the matter-catie curtis, fugitive-indigo girls, Give Me Strength-Over The Rhine, You Choose- Pet Shop Boys, Bells and Bombs- Erin McKeown, pain-the judy bats, Sad Tale- Amy Rigby, Lucy Doesn't Love You- Ivy you're gonna make me lonesome when you go -shawn colvin, 59th Street -Amy Correia) we walked out to clark and took a cab to t's, where we met emily's friends. i was getting tenser and tenser, and not sure i could meet this many new people all at once (although there was this ADORABLE dyke with a soft blond mohawk) but my phone rang, g was at big chicks. laura seemed like she was having a good time. i thought she'd probably want to stay there for a bit, and i was hoping she'd be able to meet up with g and i later. but no, she came wih me right away, she was getting tired of emily, so i was really greatful. the walk reminded me of going to t's with leah. the apartment on that street is still up for rent.
so we got to big chicks and there she was, straight girl who i'm in love with sitting in the window. she was exuberant and said the bouncer was taking good care of her. we elbowed through to the back of the bar and got in line to order drinks. and bumped into rafael- it was bound to happen sooner or later. sigh. it's so awkward for me, cause i know he's a nice guy, i just know too much, and more importantly i take SERIOUS sides. but he chatted with g, and i got our drinks, and we took over my fave corner by the pool table. we kept hoping a good song would come on and we would go dance, but one never did. and ch wasn't there to watch our purses and our drinks, so we couldn't quite just run out to the dance floor. but we chatted and told stories and drank and smoked. granted, i was the one who knew them both, but i thought it was really well balanced. i know g is good with new funky people, and i thought as soon as laura got over how incredibly beautiful g is, she would be a good conversant, too. plus, g, like everyone else in the world, seems to think i have romantic interest in laura, so she was more inclined to like her, and be nice to me.
i gave g the letter and the cd. she said, should i open it now? i said no. that wouldn't be a good idea.
then it was out of my hands. the night ended too soon. i mocked laura for making me hear this story 14thousand times already, but now i'm actually telling it myself. this blond chick was glaring at laura, then came up to her and said, i think i know you. laura doesn't know her, but it seems she was laura's exgirlfriend's previous ex. blond chick says after dating her for 2 months she hasn't had a relationship in 4 years and fears she's emotionally damaged. laura's like i was with her for 2 years. we'd exchanged rings. she's like, yeah, i guess you have it worse than me, uh. general consensus: laura is a hell of alot better adapted than the blond chick. so the bar closes, and g decides to take a taxi, and i don't want her waving on a corner of argyle, so i say we should take her a few stops south. we end up parting at the belmont station. i've had enough vanilla vodka and cokes that i'm touching her, my hand on her arm, her back. knowiing it will be the last time, and basking in her kindness to me, her friendship. laura's chatting on her cell phone with her back toward us as we say goodbye. she tells me later that she was just pretending. now look here, which girl loves me more, i ask you?
laura and i have a post mortem on the train ride home. i'm tipsy and clingy. a little tired, but coked up, and full of goodbye-saying adreneline. we come home, get ready for bed. when i'm done in the bathroom, she's crashed on my bed. i crawl in next to her and cuddle. she holds me all night while i talk endlessly about g, tell her all my stories, and she gives me secrets of hers in return. i wanted to sleep, but i'd had too much coke, and laura says she'll stay up and talk with me untl i can fall asleep. who does this? no friends in my experience, let me tell you.
we wake up much more enthusiastic than we should on saturday, for how little sleep we got. i lay out a nice german breakfast, then we go to run my errands. first to evanston, to vogue and the art supply store. laura says the chick behind the counter was totally checking me out. apparently chicago is full of cute girls checking me out that i am interely unaware of. i really like the idea, though. pity i'm too cool looking for any of them to talk to me. when we walk by gerber hart, laura wants to stop in and browse their booksale, so we do. my first step inside the door! i knew it would happen! i bought 3 more tales of the city first editions. don't tell my quicken. anyway, then we head down to the loop to buy my textbooks, and ch says he and jack are on their way to around the coyote arts show. so laura and i catch a trolley to the sears tower, drop off all my books, and take the blue line out to meet them at flash taco. the worlds tensest tacoria. but i remember this about it, and the vibe leaves once we're out of the music. i enjoy the art, as always, and i especially enjoy the giest of it, it's so chicago, new artists, creaky old buildings, funky people. we run into rafael. it's his and ch first bumping into each other since the breakup. eep! puts a bit of a damper on the festival. everyone's tired and hungry on the ride home. laura reads and i sudoku. jack and ch watch over my shoulder and tell me where to put the 7.
when laura and i get home, we're on a mission. we start the sushi rice and mix up the hair bleach. unfortunately i don't have enough powder- she is only able to bleach like 12 of my dreads, there is none left over for her hair. i read her joe meno's hairstyles of the damned- so appropriate for our project! and it looks like we'll be talking about meno alot in my fiction writing class. after the rice cools we roll up our sushi maki and i teach laura the fine art. she is very successful. her friend carrie comes over while we're finishing up the process. poor carrie. she comes to my amazing apartment to find laura and i in the bathroom, and laura's mixing kool aid with conditioner to apply to my dreads. i offer carrie beer (hard lemonade for me) eating home made sushi. are we fucking cool or what? carrie and laura reminice, and laura finishes my hair. i tidy up, etc. laura keeps saying they're going to stop talking about people i don't know, but they never do. we pick out an outfit for me- something based on my purple velvet beret, which i'm stuffing my tinfoil covered dreads in so we can go out and it can sit for as long as possible. carrie does both of our makeup. she is quite an artist!
we go and meet emily and her friends at spin. it's midnight, and i'm not really having fun, i'm glad the bar closes in just 2 hours. it's getting late and i'm starting to get tired and broody, and i can't seem to elbow my way into the conversation. perhaps with a little more effort... but it's not happening. i'm just invisible. laura's having a fabulous time. she hasn't seen carrie for ages, and there is so much to catch up on. i can't begrudge her this, but i wish i didn't have to come along. at 2, i know they're going to want to go someplace else. i know i can't do it, so i try to take some kind of control. i'm standing on the corner of belmont and halsted, saying, "ok guys, we should make a plan... what are we going to do next... are you..." and they cross halsted without even looking at me. they don't even hear me talking! we're heading back to carrie's car and laura says to me, "we're going to a diner. you might as well come with us cause i'm going to wake you up when i get in anyway." end of discussion. i have no voice. this is the moment i wish laura hadn't finally become comfortable with me, that she was still feeling all overly worried and considerate.
so i try to find the elusive diner g and helen and i went to after helen got her bellybutton pierced, but i manage to just give them a tour of boystown. we finally end up going to the golden nugget near carrie's.
i cannot begin to describe the agony.
the service is, well, diner service. i've been careful not to drink coke, and now it's a bad thing, cause i'm so exhausted i have a headache. and the diner is about six degrees. i have on my cardigan but it's not enough. the most compact i can get is to wrap it around my back and my knees and lay my head down on my knees. i'm still to cold to stand it, but this makes me tireder than cold, and i doze. laura shares her milkshake with me, but when you're that cold, even chocolate doesn't help. pickle juice makes half of my grilled cheeze soggy. carrie holds up her digital camera to take a picture of them. it takes a couple of tries to get them centered. i'm agahst. i think they'll ask someone at the next table to try before it occurs to them i'm sitting there.
when jesus laughs in my face at the pearly gates, he will take me to a diner where i'm seated with two people who know each other, who i don't know. there is nothing lonelier than being lonely with other people around you. and there will be no flames, it will just be ice, and i'll be wearing a mini skirt. and no one will ever come to the table for all eternity. the only break in the monotany will be bread soaked in pickle juice.
but this was still real life, not the afterlife, and carrie drove us home. really, cars in chicago can be marvelous blessings. i knew laura was going to ask me about the night, and i didn't know what to do. i can't lie. i'm terrible at it, she would know. i won't be all passive agressive. but how can i tell the truth? it would crush her, she would cry a little. the first thing she said was she was sorry. and i said i accepted her appology, cause i couldn't say "it's ok" cause it wasn't. i tried to be honest, i think i told her how i was extremely miserable, but didn't blame her, and don't begrudge her her good time, but wished i didn't have to be there. she explained how important it was to reconnect with carrie, and was very sorry. but it still hurts that she keeps saying that it was a perfect night. i can see how it can be a fabulous night, but i am sad that she can have a perfect night with me sitting there so obviously unhappy. (or maybe not so obvious? i tried REALLY hard not to be mopey or whiney. i hope i succeeded. laura was feeling so bad i don't think she got around to telling me how un-fun i was to be with and that's why they were ignoring me.) but we couldn't gnaw on it very long, cause as you recall, i still had lots of tinfoiled dreads under my hat, and they needed to be rinced. and i don't know about anyone else, but i can't help but feel deeply attached to anyone who rinces kool aid out of my hair at 4 in the morning.
sunday morning i woke before laura. i didn't know what to do- we'd gotten so little sleep, but i did have big plans for the day. i thought she'd like to be woken by cuddling, but she was all splayed out i didn't want to make her jump, and i could see she was dreaming, and i couldn't awake a dreamer. so i got dressed and went down to get the paper, and that got her up. she got all packed up, and i ate breakfast, and we headed down to belmont, where i was hoping we'd find knee high boots for her at beatniks. no such luck, but we had much fun. we headed to the alley just to grab some real hair dye for me, as the koolaid was rather unsuccessful. we spent way too much time there, finally deciding on limelight and virgin rose. we leave, laura looks at her clock, and says, my train leaves in 20 min. is this a problem?
EEEEP! we start waving down cabs. we rush off to union station, as rush as one can on belmont. 5 min. till we're running through union station. i find amtrak find her train, 2 min. till, there's the gate and... it's closed. no boarding 2 min. before train leaves. we both cry a little bit, and go to exchange her ticket. luckily she doesn't have to buy a whole new one. still. we go outside to regroup and find her a new ride, organize, lie to her mother, etc. then we realize- we still have a whole day together in chicago!! so we head to michigan ave. we eat lunch at corner bakery and i buy more film. i am an annoying photographer- i would love to just be papparatzi, snapping at laura until i get her to look as fabulous as she is in real life, but i don't think she'll ever be comfortable enough with the camera between us for that to happen, so i set up all kinds of time intensive timer shots. it was too beautiful of a day for her to get too frustrated with me, though, i think. and i know she'll be greatful when they come back from the developer.
we went to millenium park, and she loved crown foutain as much as i hoped she would. really- water, children, what's there not to like? we went to the bean, through the lawn, and across the bp bridge. i was barefooted, cause i was NOT wearing appropriate sandals to galavant all over chicago. we walked to the lake, then took a bus back to the sears tower. laura was carrying my sandals, and as my feet got hot, she gave me her flip-flops to shuffle around in. i felt stupid and undeserving - people should pay for their own poor fashion decisions- but also loved.
ch was at the flower shop, blowing up balloons for a monday morning early order. laura and i dyed my dreads limelight green and virgin rose violet in the flowershop sink. i don't think i can tell you how fabulous this was. or even begin to discribe the hilarity that insued. it went far beyond laura's hopes of sipping helium and taking flowers on the train.
we were back at union station 30 min before her train was sceduled to leave. we'd curled up together and she read me all of a page and a half of hairstyles of the damned when the announcements for her train got too annoying to ignore. i wasn't allowed past the ticket collector, but i peered over the peace lily, waving. and laura did turn around once, and blew me a kiss, which i caught, of course.
i was really depressed leaving union station. my weekend of fun was over, i was deflated, laura was gone, and i had to get back to schoolwork. i wanted so badly to call g, but then i remembered... i couldn't. but then i realized- i could text laura! she knew how i was feeling! she'd be feeling just as bad! but then on the el mom started texting me. she got the phone bill. i'd sent 250 text messages last month. i need to do some serious curtailing.
so now i need to sum up these 2.5 hrs of typing. actually, i need to somehow include these random snippets of thoghts from the weekend that i've stuck at the bottom here, so i wouldn't foreget them before i came to the right part in the story, but then they didn't fit in the right part. i've said before i think perhaps laura is too intense to live in the same town with me. i'm still not sure this might not be true, but i think i would certainly be willing to try if the opertunity permits. certainly, it was very lonely to sleep alone last night, even after such a short visit.
laura said when she first arrived that she had forgotten how small i am, and i felt that way too- not that i had forgotten how big she is, but i had forgotten how small i am. mom was asking me about laura, and i can't remember how i discribed her, but i said she makes me feel small and quiet and amazing. mom says you are small and quiet and amazing.
i tried so hard to make laura feel at home, giving her my keys and a cta card. she spent the first day in my apartment afraid t move, reading books for comfort, the enchanted broccoli forest and the teenage liberation handbook. later she admitted how crazy it seemed on the train, to be staying with some random girl she just met 3 weeks ago. i could be an ax murderer. i am excited for us to be friends long enough that our intense relationship is justified.
i also don't know how to deal with all the sexual tention everyone is creating around us. it makes me so angry (and you know it takes alot to make me angry) how sexualized society is. why does everyone think that because we talk every day and adore each other we are having sex? it's like the only type of friendship anyone can understand is a watered down heterosexual girlfriends tittering about boys because any sort of stronger conversation might make her think she's a lesbo. i just read house like a lotus again, after g returned it without getting to it. and since ch doesn't read this, i can quote shakespeare from it without feeling bad. it's from as you like it, one of my favourite plays: "i did not then entreat for her to stay; / it was your pleasure and your own remorse: / but now i know her: if she be a traitor, / why, so am i: we still have slept together; rose at an instant, learn'd, play'd, eat together; / and whereso'er we went, like juno's swans, still we went coupled and inseperable." ok, so perhaps my father's not about to banish laura from the kingom, but still, i think we can be as good of friends as rosalind and cecilia.
11.9.05
weekend recap
i'm still alive. i'll tell you all about the weekend with laura just as soon as i get my research done. i PROMISE.
7.9.05
sigh
after yesterday's meeting with the costume shop, i realized i just set myself up for disaster with this stupid costume design thing. i am avoiding thinking about shoes. why is that? what am i afraid of?
this morning i took the renderings out of my bag, saying, oh, i don't need these again until thurs, when i have school.
completely forgetting about my meet and greet tonight until i was half way to work.
so i had to leave work early, come all the way back up north, pick up my renderings, and go all the way back to the south loop. i was not humored. the production meeting sucked, but the meet and greet, though scary, was fun. you gotta love showing actors paintings of themselves. they think it's fabulous.
whether i can get them all shoes in a timely manner remains to be seen.
this morning i took the renderings out of my bag, saying, oh, i don't need these again until thurs, when i have school.
completely forgetting about my meet and greet tonight until i was half way to work.
so i had to leave work early, come all the way back up north, pick up my renderings, and go all the way back to the south loop. i was not humored. the production meeting sucked, but the meet and greet, though scary, was fun. you gotta love showing actors paintings of themselves. they think it's fabulous.
whether i can get them all shoes in a timely manner remains to be seen.
6.9.05
the final evening
first day of school today. i'm over it alredy. wore my goth outfit, vinyl pants, ditc tank, velvet suit jacket. but my safety pins didn't hold and my pants kept tearing. by the time i met g, i was ripping big holes in them- i'd shredded them by picking by the tiem we got home.
i really want to shave my head, and think that would be a good final project for us- or maybe something for laura and and g and i to do together ( i certainly wasn't going to let my mom do it, but you know, like g put them in, has waxed them, she should take them out. but she'd adamant about me leaving them in till graduation, so i'm glad she feels strongly about this when i can't.
instead, i wasted 5.40 i wasn't allowed to spend. first erin mckeown concert tickets, then digitalizing my pictures, now this. we bought super strength bleach and kool-aid. grape and lemon lime. with any luck i'll have purple and green dreadlocks. won't that be fun? i wanna look just like bitch.
so we finally got back to my house and i had her try on her sexy pumps and grown up express pants. i pinned them and hemmed them. she drew my requested fairy on my ivar cupboard. the door opens the other way now, but i think that's ok. it's stitll fabulous looking. i wonder how long it will be till i'm brave enough to paint it?
my wound itches. i guess that means it's healing.
emily stole the phone from laura tonight while she was talking to leah. emily told leah laura was sleeping with me. laura says she's afraid leah now thinks we have a torrid love affair. i'm not quite sure what i should do about this.
i did something else horrible. g took off her rings to wash a tupperware before we went to walgreens, etc. and i saw them when i was getting her stuff out of the fridge and i ignored them. so i'm in posession of her rings again. until friday, at least. but i think they will give me comfort as i write her her letter. the letter of the third napkin. oh shit.
i really want to shave my head, and think that would be a good final project for us- or maybe something for laura and and g and i to do together ( i certainly wasn't going to let my mom do it, but you know, like g put them in, has waxed them, she should take them out. but she'd adamant about me leaving them in till graduation, so i'm glad she feels strongly about this when i can't.
instead, i wasted 5.40 i wasn't allowed to spend. first erin mckeown concert tickets, then digitalizing my pictures, now this. we bought super strength bleach and kool-aid. grape and lemon lime. with any luck i'll have purple and green dreadlocks. won't that be fun? i wanna look just like bitch.
so we finally got back to my house and i had her try on her sexy pumps and grown up express pants. i pinned them and hemmed them. she drew my requested fairy on my ivar cupboard. the door opens the other way now, but i think that's ok. it's stitll fabulous looking. i wonder how long it will be till i'm brave enough to paint it?
my wound itches. i guess that means it's healing.
emily stole the phone from laura tonight while she was talking to leah. emily told leah laura was sleeping with me. laura says she's afraid leah now thinks we have a torrid love affair. i'm not quite sure what i should do about this.
i did something else horrible. g took off her rings to wash a tupperware before we went to walgreens, etc. and i saw them when i was getting her stuff out of the fridge and i ignored them. so i'm in posession of her rings again. until friday, at least. but i think they will give me comfort as i write her her letter. the letter of the third napkin. oh shit.
4.9.05
photos!
ok kiddos, here are the links to tens and tens of pictures.
i think i'm going to bottom out my flickr acct. for the month, so if anyone's got some extra hosting they'd like to share, i can give you more!
moving boxes
my movers
my new apartment
dressed up at ch's party
en route to colorado
colorado
my beach pics
michigan womyn's music festival
god, that took forever! how i hate dial up. please, please, comment. make all this uploading worth my while!
i think i'm going to bottom out my flickr acct. for the month, so if anyone's got some extra hosting they'd like to share, i can give you more!
moving boxes
my movers
my new apartment
dressed up at ch's party
en route to colorado
colorado
my beach pics
michigan womyn's music festival
god, that took forever! how i hate dial up. please, please, comment. make all this uploading worth my while!
too much food
yesterday morning i rode my bike to the post office- not far at all, i bet i could walk. i mailed laura's package, again, hopefully this time with the right address. samir's hasn't gotten there yet, either. i hope erin mckeown's made it there safely. from the post office i rode down clark to ch's edgewater produce market. I love it! everyone needs a cheap mexican grocery store nearby! they didn't have liquor or fancy cheezes, so i had to go to the real grocery store too. the produce mart filled up my pannier and my backpack, so i ended up having the flour and olive oil and ammaretto hanging from my handlebars. it was a very precarious ride home! i was home by one, then started cooking!
i made: rosemary focaccia, roasted green bean salad, a vegetable fritatta, grilled eggplant, orange walnut salad, tomato and mozzarella salad, marinated peppers, lentil bulgar salad and amaretto cheesecake. in under 5 hrs. i think that's pretty good!
it all turned out fabulous, except perhaps for the eggplant- it was kina a wierd recipie. jen brought vegan almond cherry cookies. ch brought cheese roll things and chips and salsa. jack brought yummy black beans and rice, and they brought good alchohol. g and her old roomate helen also came. we ate, we played a game of five crowns, and then pam and mike came, tired from work. so it was a nice sized party. 8 people fit better in this apartment than the old one, i think.
SO MUCH LEFT OVER FOOD! laura said she wished she could come to my party and eat my food. now she'll get a chance. it will still be here next week. i'll have to see what i can freeze. sigh. i just don't know how to cook for large numbers of people.
talked to g and laura after the guests left. i like my friends, but i feel like all of the people i really love don't live in chicago. other than ch, everyone here is just whoever's around. not people i feel passonate about. i want a and g and laura and ruth and meike and michi and bethany and beth and mairee and ch and leah all to live in the same town. or two of them, at least.
this morning i was procrastinating doing the dishes by scraping candlewax off my candlesticks. my fingernails weren't strong enough to do the trick, so i got a butter knife. it wasn't working that well, and then it slipped and gouged my finger. Big Cut. Blood everywhere. mind in panic mode, thought: what must i do before i faint? hold it high, not stopping, blood dripping on my back. wrap it up in toilet paper, no, that won't work, it's too absorbent and will leave fuzzy stuff in my cut. i have paper towels, in the kitchen, can i make it to the kitchen? where's my phone- someone should know if i faint before this stops bleeding. i wrapped my finger up in a paper towel. applyed pressure with my head, laid it down on the cold marble floor and called my mother, who approved my first aid and chatted with me until i got a glass of water and a granola bar.
while i was cleaning all the blood out of the bathroom, i pulled it open again, amd so i had to do the whole staunching process again. my sugar made me less lightheaded, though. finally got it wrapped up in a bandaid, and all the blood i could find cleaned out of the bathroom.
now, i need to go to osco to buy gloves so i can wash all these dishes. i also need to wash my hair. and of course, paint. so what have i been doing? z's been sending me personal ads from craigslist. iming with g- she's going shoping in the loop today.
fuck! i forgot to tell you g's big news. she's not going to costa rica. she's going to san francisco, where her bf is, to do an internship. she leaves sat. gasp! i'm really worried that she won't get to meet laura. she has to go out with co-workers friday night. so i pray laura will be able to get here in time to do dinner or something before she does that. laura, of course, doesn't want to intrude on my last precious moments with sgwiailw. i'm like, girl, it's sooo not like that.
final party thought- i decided to wear my tie dye dress, after much deliberation. ch broght these jack daniels lemonade things, with twist off lids and g asks if ti have a bottle opener, cause she's cutting up her hand. and i say here, and open her bottle with my skirt, just like i do everything else with it. and i say, "i use my dress to wipe up my drink." and ch says, as he's supposed to, "you know, i care less and less what people think." another point aginst pants! i couldn't decide between laura's unstoppable outfit and the tie dye, but you know, i felt pretty unstoppable in the tie dye.
i made: rosemary focaccia, roasted green bean salad, a vegetable fritatta, grilled eggplant, orange walnut salad, tomato and mozzarella salad, marinated peppers, lentil bulgar salad and amaretto cheesecake. in under 5 hrs. i think that's pretty good!
it all turned out fabulous, except perhaps for the eggplant- it was kina a wierd recipie. jen brought vegan almond cherry cookies. ch brought cheese roll things and chips and salsa. jack brought yummy black beans and rice, and they brought good alchohol. g and her old roomate helen also came. we ate, we played a game of five crowns, and then pam and mike came, tired from work. so it was a nice sized party. 8 people fit better in this apartment than the old one, i think.
SO MUCH LEFT OVER FOOD! laura said she wished she could come to my party and eat my food. now she'll get a chance. it will still be here next week. i'll have to see what i can freeze. sigh. i just don't know how to cook for large numbers of people.
talked to g and laura after the guests left. i like my friends, but i feel like all of the people i really love don't live in chicago. other than ch, everyone here is just whoever's around. not people i feel passonate about. i want a and g and laura and ruth and meike and michi and bethany and beth and mairee and ch and leah all to live in the same town. or two of them, at least.
this morning i was procrastinating doing the dishes by scraping candlewax off my candlesticks. my fingernails weren't strong enough to do the trick, so i got a butter knife. it wasn't working that well, and then it slipped and gouged my finger. Big Cut. Blood everywhere. mind in panic mode, thought: what must i do before i faint? hold it high, not stopping, blood dripping on my back. wrap it up in toilet paper, no, that won't work, it's too absorbent and will leave fuzzy stuff in my cut. i have paper towels, in the kitchen, can i make it to the kitchen? where's my phone- someone should know if i faint before this stops bleeding. i wrapped my finger up in a paper towel. applyed pressure with my head, laid it down on the cold marble floor and called my mother, who approved my first aid and chatted with me until i got a glass of water and a granola bar.
while i was cleaning all the blood out of the bathroom, i pulled it open again, amd so i had to do the whole staunching process again. my sugar made me less lightheaded, though. finally got it wrapped up in a bandaid, and all the blood i could find cleaned out of the bathroom.
now, i need to go to osco to buy gloves so i can wash all these dishes. i also need to wash my hair. and of course, paint. so what have i been doing? z's been sending me personal ads from craigslist. iming with g- she's going shoping in the loop today.
fuck! i forgot to tell you g's big news. she's not going to costa rica. she's going to san francisco, where her bf is, to do an internship. she leaves sat. gasp! i'm really worried that she won't get to meet laura. she has to go out with co-workers friday night. so i pray laura will be able to get here in time to do dinner or something before she does that. laura, of course, doesn't want to intrude on my last precious moments with sgwiailw. i'm like, girl, it's sooo not like that.
final party thought- i decided to wear my tie dye dress, after much deliberation. ch broght these jack daniels lemonade things, with twist off lids and g asks if ti have a bottle opener, cause she's cutting up her hand. and i say here, and open her bottle with my skirt, just like i do everything else with it. and i say, "i use my dress to wipe up my drink." and ch says, as he's supposed to, "you know, i care less and less what people think." another point aginst pants! i couldn't decide between laura's unstoppable outfit and the tie dye, but you know, i felt pretty unstoppable in the tie dye.
2.9.05
katrina thoughts
have been online reading about the south for about 2 hrs, now. i am so glad i don't have a television- i don't think i could bear that sort of news. even the red eye is getting silly for me, though i love their big photographs. i really love getting my major disaster news from random blogs, i've found. i'm into first hand accounts. followed some links in dooce's husband's comments. it's not quite as personal as reading annie mole of tube diary after the bombings in london, but i'm sure it's better than fox. like that tragedy, i keep thinking about what i would do, what would it be like here. what if there was a storm on lake michigan that caused it to destroy 80% of the city? when would i go to nan's in oak park, to pennslvania? would i know to take anything with me? i'm not really affected, it's strange... i mean, i'm affected by the collective conciousness of news and media and it being such a big topic of conversation, but i''m not even affected by the rising price of gas. i know it's over $3 here, but how high? got me. horray for the el.
also, i'm shocked by the hardness of my heart. i feel for them, yes, it's horrible. unimaginable. not just being a refugee, but not being able to trust that you will be given water, food, safety from snipers and rapists- that's the scariest part. but i don't feel compelled to jump on a plane and help out. or start my own aid plan. i don't even feel guilty for being helpless. i know what i can do- give money to reliable charity. i'm happy the world is full of such caring people. i really like them, and want to support them. i'd like to be one of them, but i'm just not. hopefully someday i'll grow out of this self centeredness.
someone was talking about the economic disparity with 11 september, and it's certainly something i've noticed. the rich people were long gone. when ch started discussing it today, i said i have yet to see a white person in a disaster photo. he said he had, but he watches much more tv than i do. american poor are used to the government giving them the shaft. i wonder if 11 september was so much more unifying because of this?
ch was laughing about people who had never been outside of mississippi saying how it was like a third world country. then he was telling me about an interview with a doctor without borders, who had been in third world countries. he said that the big difference was, in africa, people are resigned to their fate. here in america, in the land of customer service, people are incredulous, disbelieving, don't know how to handle the horror that's befallen them. there seem to be lots of comments, "i can't believe this is happening in america!" but being poor in america isn't a piece of cake without disaster. (and i mean poor for real, not g & joe's "but i have alot of student loans!" sort of poor) the people of new orleans weren't living fabulous lifestyles before they were told to leave with no means of doing so. and we won't even talk about the people who really live in third world countries, not just places that have been like third world countries for the past few days. i can believe this is happening in america, this is happening all over the world.
i've been reading how we've been refusing help from other countries. mom was telling me of watching satelite tv from other countries and how they're being all generous and sarcastic, which i think is fabulous. our government is not pretty or smart or funny.
mom's favourite one is the president of venesuela promising the us cheap oil. no hard feelings againt pat roberson... isn't that hilarious?
also, i'm shocked by the hardness of my heart. i feel for them, yes, it's horrible. unimaginable. not just being a refugee, but not being able to trust that you will be given water, food, safety from snipers and rapists- that's the scariest part. but i don't feel compelled to jump on a plane and help out. or start my own aid plan. i don't even feel guilty for being helpless. i know what i can do- give money to reliable charity. i'm happy the world is full of such caring people. i really like them, and want to support them. i'd like to be one of them, but i'm just not. hopefully someday i'll grow out of this self centeredness.
someone was talking about the economic disparity with 11 september, and it's certainly something i've noticed. the rich people were long gone. when ch started discussing it today, i said i have yet to see a white person in a disaster photo. he said he had, but he watches much more tv than i do. american poor are used to the government giving them the shaft. i wonder if 11 september was so much more unifying because of this?
ch was laughing about people who had never been outside of mississippi saying how it was like a third world country. then he was telling me about an interview with a doctor without borders, who had been in third world countries. he said that the big difference was, in africa, people are resigned to their fate. here in america, in the land of customer service, people are incredulous, disbelieving, don't know how to handle the horror that's befallen them. there seem to be lots of comments, "i can't believe this is happening in america!" but being poor in america isn't a piece of cake without disaster. (and i mean poor for real, not g & joe's "but i have alot of student loans!" sort of poor) the people of new orleans weren't living fabulous lifestyles before they were told to leave with no means of doing so. and we won't even talk about the people who really live in third world countries, not just places that have been like third world countries for the past few days. i can believe this is happening in america, this is happening all over the world.
i've been reading how we've been refusing help from other countries. mom was telling me of watching satelite tv from other countries and how they're being all generous and sarcastic, which i think is fabulous. our government is not pretty or smart or funny.
mom's favourite one is the president of venesuela promising the us cheap oil. no hard feelings againt pat roberson... isn't that hilarious?
party prep
i have to make my shopping list. i don't even know what i'm making tomorrow. need to look through my cookbooks. i wanted to paint tonight, but i think i'm too tired. i'll just watch a movie. i have all day monday. right? right?
am exhausted from the phone conversation i just had with my mother. i was knitting while talking to her, so that helped a bit, but not enough.
laura says she emails me things that never arrive. this makes me unbearably sad.
did i tell you i talked to justine the other day? i still don't know what to do about this relationship. i missed her, so i decided to start talking to her again, but i continue to be really angry at her, and it comes out as agressive meanness. if she would just do what i want her to i would be so charming... but that sounds like rafael, now, doesn't it? i can't expect people to change for me. i have to accept them as how they are and how they show love. but it's so hard for me to understand. there are some people i'd blow off, sure, but i'd never blow off anyone i care about. if i heard they were upset with me, i'd do practially anything to get back in their good graces. i somehow can't accept that someone who blows me off still cares about me. also, it seems this relationship is very similar to the one i had with jesus (though admittedly i'm better to justine than i was to jesus) so it's the same emotions as in that, too.
well, and justine's friends don't mind me being gay.
i gotta go eat dinner. i love you all. thanks for your comments. continue, if you please. new quotes, booklist and movielist are up tonight.
am exhausted from the phone conversation i just had with my mother. i was knitting while talking to her, so that helped a bit, but not enough.
laura says she emails me things that never arrive. this makes me unbearably sad.
did i tell you i talked to justine the other day? i still don't know what to do about this relationship. i missed her, so i decided to start talking to her again, but i continue to be really angry at her, and it comes out as agressive meanness. if she would just do what i want her to i would be so charming... but that sounds like rafael, now, doesn't it? i can't expect people to change for me. i have to accept them as how they are and how they show love. but it's so hard for me to understand. there are some people i'd blow off, sure, but i'd never blow off anyone i care about. if i heard they were upset with me, i'd do practially anything to get back in their good graces. i somehow can't accept that someone who blows me off still cares about me. also, it seems this relationship is very similar to the one i had with jesus (though admittedly i'm better to justine than i was to jesus) so it's the same emotions as in that, too.
well, and justine's friends don't mind me being gay.
i gotta go eat dinner. i love you all. thanks for your comments. continue, if you please. new quotes, booklist and movielist are up tonight.
1.9.05
final day of vacation
still managed to procrastinate like the dickens. got 2 drawings done. got all 6 transfered to watercolor paper.
still have to paint them. still have to color pencil details. still have to swatch.
ok, so i have 1 week left. i don't think i'm in trouble yet. i think i'm over the hardest procrastinating.
anyway, i also tidied my house today, uploaded 2 tapes, and made pesto polenta spoonbread, cold marinated cauliflower, and more of my tomato 3cheese bruchettay things. jen came over to eat my fancy italian food. the spoonbread didn't rise quite the way it was supposed to, but it still tasted good. i'll try again with another recipie. when i have more eggs.
laura's all moved in. we finally talked today- it seems like it's been such a long time. i get easily accustomed to such constant communication.
talking to allie, who's sworn off men, again. still not eating meat. wouldn't she make a good lipstick lesbian? she got my package, including the remote for the dvd player i gave her. unfortunately, she and her roomates can't figure out how to switch it back to english from german. also, she's informed me that her roomie read my blog the day of the tampon story. lovely. of all the entries. so this is what her roomates know of me. perhaps that thanksgivng plan won't be working out....
i really should paint before going to bed, shouldn't i?
still have to paint them. still have to color pencil details. still have to swatch.
ok, so i have 1 week left. i don't think i'm in trouble yet. i think i'm over the hardest procrastinating.
anyway, i also tidied my house today, uploaded 2 tapes, and made pesto polenta spoonbread, cold marinated cauliflower, and more of my tomato 3cheese bruchettay things. jen came over to eat my fancy italian food. the spoonbread didn't rise quite the way it was supposed to, but it still tasted good. i'll try again with another recipie. when i have more eggs.
laura's all moved in. we finally talked today- it seems like it's been such a long time. i get easily accustomed to such constant communication.
talking to allie, who's sworn off men, again. still not eating meat. wouldn't she make a good lipstick lesbian? she got my package, including the remote for the dvd player i gave her. unfortunately, she and her roomates can't figure out how to switch it back to english from german. also, she's informed me that her roomie read my blog the day of the tampon story. lovely. of all the entries. so this is what her roomates know of me. perhaps that thanksgivng plan won't be working out....
i really should paint before going to bed, shouldn't i?
pritzker pavillion
long, boring day at work today. so slow. grrr. and i was so impatient. after work, ch, jack and i went to our fave dive under the el tracks, boni vino. we had drinks and pizza, then jack went home and ch and i went to millenium park. to hear the first pop concert in prizker pavillion!
it was that lovely "isn't it fucking awesome we live in such a beautiful big city" sort of evening. johnny b and his current boy had staked out good blanket space for us- we were still pretty far from the stage, though. the ditty bops were a fun opener- they sang 2 or 3 songs i knew, though not the one i was hoping for, sister kate. we ate johnny b's sesame sweets and waited for tori to come out.
ch is obsessed with tori amos, so any tori i know (beyond little earthquakes) is through him. he just text messaged me the set list, so i can be like a real tori blogger:
original sinsuality (ch and i both called this one for the opener)
crucify (horray! i could sing along- very taffy streched out pauses, but she turned the harsh bridge into such prettytori)
sugar
sleeps with butterflies (a winner from the new album)
?apollo's frock?
silent all these years (more little earthqakes? how cool! unexceptional arrangement)
god/ running up that hill (OH MY GOD! one of the only kate bush songs i know! what a fabulous medley!)
blower's daughter
the rose
past the mission (this one was good, but the concert went downhill from here...)
barrons of...
putting the damage on
carbon
beekeeper (AGONY! it was HOURS long. painful, disodant, dischordant, SOMEBODY unplug her organ! she should not be ALLOWED! give her a harpsichord, anything to end the misery!)
encore:
bells for her
black dove (more organness. we decided it was for crowd control, all but the die hards couldn't stand it and left much earlier.)
second encore:
amber waves (now this is what we're talking about! much better!)
tear in your hand (can you think of a better closer? well, BESIDES martha's foolish ginger? i can't, either)
during past the mission, the fireworks from navy pier started going off. it was almost surreal. there's tori, there's the fireworks through the steel web over the grass, us telling jokes to each other on the lawn. the sound was superb. much better than you have any right to expect at an outdoor venue, in fact, probably better than most indoor places.
the problem with the day was i left my handy at home this morning. so i was away from communication for 16 hrs. i missed laura! when i got home i learned i also missed my bank, my mother, amy, jen and christopher. that many people don't normally call me in a week! so i have lots to catch up on tomorrow.
NO! I WILL NOT DO ANYTHING TOMORROW UNTIL MY DRAWINGS ARE DONE! SERIOUSLY!!
it was that lovely "isn't it fucking awesome we live in such a beautiful big city" sort of evening. johnny b and his current boy had staked out good blanket space for us- we were still pretty far from the stage, though. the ditty bops were a fun opener- they sang 2 or 3 songs i knew, though not the one i was hoping for, sister kate. we ate johnny b's sesame sweets and waited for tori to come out.ch is obsessed with tori amos, so any tori i know (beyond little earthquakes) is through him. he just text messaged me the set list, so i can be like a real tori blogger:
original sinsuality (ch and i both called this one for the opener)
crucify (horray! i could sing along- very taffy streched out pauses, but she turned the harsh bridge into such prettytori)
sugar
sleeps with butterflies (a winner from the new album)
?apollo's frock?
silent all these years (more little earthqakes? how cool! unexceptional arrangement)
god/ running up that hill (OH MY GOD! one of the only kate bush songs i know! what a fabulous medley!)
blower's daughter
the rose
past the mission (this one was good, but the concert went downhill from here...)
barrons of...
putting the damage on
carbon
beekeeper (AGONY! it was HOURS long. painful, disodant, dischordant, SOMEBODY unplug her organ! she should not be ALLOWED! give her a harpsichord, anything to end the misery!)
encore:
bells for her
black dove (more organness. we decided it was for crowd control, all but the die hards couldn't stand it and left much earlier.)
second encore:
amber waves (now this is what we're talking about! much better!)
tear in your hand (can you think of a better closer? well, BESIDES martha's foolish ginger? i can't, either)
during past the mission, the fireworks from navy pier started going off. it was almost surreal. there's tori, there's the fireworks through the steel web over the grass, us telling jokes to each other on the lawn. the sound was superb. much better than you have any right to expect at an outdoor venue, in fact, probably better than most indoor places.
the problem with the day was i left my handy at home this morning. so i was away from communication for 16 hrs. i missed laura! when i got home i learned i also missed my bank, my mother, amy, jen and christopher. that many people don't normally call me in a week! so i have lots to catch up on tomorrow.
NO! I WILL NOT DO ANYTHING TOMORROW UNTIL MY DRAWINGS ARE DONE! SERIOUSLY!!
31.8.05
yesterday's worthlessness
actually, i ended up riding my bike downtown. i was going to go to the library and ch's recomended produce store (which is too far to walk to) but once i was on clark i decided to keep going. clark street is such a nice tour of chicago neighborhoods- edgewater, andersonville, uptown, wrigleyville, belmont, lincoln park, gold coast, loop... other than the bus it was fun, though very urban riding on the northside. once i got into the loop there were a scary number of busses (happy rush hour!) i just moved over into the center of my lane and stuck my elbows out and pretended i was a minicooper- a very small, yet worthy vehicle due her alotted space! it's much farther from my new house- i think i rode 10mi. all together. 9 to columbia, then another 1 heading north waiting for it to be late enough for me to take my bike on the el (forbidden during rush hour). the lake isn't nearly as nice heading north as it is south... and the wind is so bad! i was too tired to deal with it at that point. there was a game going on- the trains were so packed i had to let 4 go by. i eventually got back home, but god, those back steps are steep. any sore muscles i have today are from lugging that bike up the steps yesterday.
30.8.05
and other events
the fabulous thing i didn't tell you about yesterday: i got a package from leah! it has a new nalgene for me, with bumperstickers of "girls do it better" and "read a fucking book." also, allegra, praise to the gods of sinuses, and PICTURES! i'll go to walgreens soon and get them digitalized for you.
also my dad called last night to thank me for the cookies, and discuss the mizerable aspects of my package: insurance and textbooks. he asked about the festival, and i said i learned to walk on stilts and somehow this deteriorated into him being convinced he can teach me to juggle. he teaches his special olympians how to juggle. i can't say learning things from him has been a pleasant experience in the past. but perhaps, well see, this holiday season.
don't even want to start thinking about this holiday season. grandma's been getting really passive agressive about me returning to the farm. i get back by lying to her. i can't lie, generally speaking, but i love making these bendable stories to tell my grandma what she wants to hear. "i went camping at a music festival in michigan with my friend leah. i met her at berkshire baptist youth group. i camped with 3 of her other friends from philadelphia. no, she's not a christian anymore. yes, i had a good time. i learned to walk on stilts."
z hates the holidays perhaps even more than i do (although with marty around, we're probably about equal). i made a joke with her that we'd just say fuck everyone else and have our own little vegetarian thanksgiving in north carolina. wouldn't that be nice if it was true?
also my dad called last night to thank me for the cookies, and discuss the mizerable aspects of my package: insurance and textbooks. he asked about the festival, and i said i learned to walk on stilts and somehow this deteriorated into him being convinced he can teach me to juggle. he teaches his special olympians how to juggle. i can't say learning things from him has been a pleasant experience in the past. but perhaps, well see, this holiday season.
don't even want to start thinking about this holiday season. grandma's been getting really passive agressive about me returning to the farm. i get back by lying to her. i can't lie, generally speaking, but i love making these bendable stories to tell my grandma what she wants to hear. "i went camping at a music festival in michigan with my friend leah. i met her at berkshire baptist youth group. i camped with 3 of her other friends from philadelphia. no, she's not a christian anymore. yes, i had a good time. i learned to walk on stilts."
z hates the holidays perhaps even more than i do (although with marty around, we're probably about equal). i made a joke with her that we'd just say fuck everyone else and have our own little vegetarian thanksgiving in north carolina. wouldn't that be nice if it was true?
29.8.05
blue roses
i forgot how busy it is to work mondays. a big order for a office that's moving today. so lots of work, but no cash in. ch and i were crazy till about 2, then there were no more orders to take, so we went slowly crazy. have i mentioned yet i'm all into sudoku? i've been picking up the stupid free red eye newspaper every morning to do it. i'm trying to get ch into them, but he's afraid of numbers. he picked up his red eye today too, and so he said we should have a competition. i beat the pants off him, finished, went to the bathroom, gave him a clue, and swept the floor before he finished.
but it was only his second one... and he finished, isn't that what's important? plus, he totally whooped me on the crossword puzzle. so if all those song lyrics don't keep the alzheimers away, our newspaper puzzles will.
we were really slow this afternoon. the driver was sad. i was sad. ch was sad. even the flowers were sad.
just kidding. i was happy, because i am still in love with erin mckeown! both ch and laura gently made fun of me for sending her cookies. but it was her last stop on her tour, she's going home now, and besides, my postcards from g just came. she has her art store set up. (i'd like to think this one was at least inspired by me, but i think that's a bit cocky.) ANYWAY, how could anyone with the new album not be tempted to send erin mckeown
i have birds in my heart? i mean, really, please. i didn't even have to send the cookies.
after work i went to the library and got a delightful selection of books. had to go to the grocery store, AGAIN. by that time it was too late to cook, so i just bought mozzarella and cherry tomatoes... they were on sale, ok? and now i have a three cheese basil and tomato salad in my fridge. life is good. that's one of my favourite things about laura. how she makes me see how good my life is. i'm never very impressed, but telling her about it makes me look like this amazing artistic creative domestic hippie diva. come on. who wouldn't want to be that?
but it was only his second one... and he finished, isn't that what's important? plus, he totally whooped me on the crossword puzzle. so if all those song lyrics don't keep the alzheimers away, our newspaper puzzles will.
we were really slow this afternoon. the driver was sad. i was sad. ch was sad. even the flowers were sad.
just kidding. i was happy, because i am still in love with erin mckeown! both ch and laura gently made fun of me for sending her cookies. but it was her last stop on her tour, she's going home now, and besides, my postcards from g just came. she has her art store set up. (i'd like to think this one was at least inspired by me, but i think that's a bit cocky.) ANYWAY, how could anyone with the new album not be tempted to send erin mckeown
i have birds in my heart? i mean, really, please. i didn't even have to send the cookies.
after work i went to the library and got a delightful selection of books. had to go to the grocery store, AGAIN. by that time it was too late to cook, so i just bought mozzarella and cherry tomatoes... they were on sale, ok? and now i have a three cheese basil and tomato salad in my fridge. life is good. that's one of my favourite things about laura. how she makes me see how good my life is. i'm never very impressed, but telling her about it makes me look like this amazing artistic creative domestic hippie diva. come on. who wouldn't want to be that?
28.8.05
in love
so i've got my list of the best concerts i've ever seen. there was david wilcox in the rain at the philly folk fest. there was over the rhine at the chamelion club, from the balcony when i was underage. there was amy rigby at schubas when she played till 2am. there was the indigo girls on the 4th of july at taste of chicago.
and now there's a new one for the list.
i was in a gnarly mood last night. it seemed so late to be going out, i'd gotten nothing done all day. ch was at danny's b-day party at mi tierra, and when i called he said, "you're going?! i thought you weren't allowed to spend money on anything other than food!" -shut up you're not being encouraging. "well, we're almost done here, danny's got his sombrero, we'll probably be gone in 10 minutes." - well it will take me about 20 to get there. even on the northside i'm not close enough.
so i was pouty on the train, but i called laura and she cheered me up. then as i was walking down belmont i peeked in the window of mi tierra and they were still there, so i stpped in to say hi to them for a few minutes- they were really drunk. a called while i was there, and i called her back for the rest of the walk down belmont. connections with 3 friends- made me feel social enough to go to a concert by myself.
when i got to the doors, learned it was $17. damn. better be worth it. and it was. oh it was.
didn't like the opener very much. she was from south dakota. her music was fine, a bit bluesy, twangy for me. her nose was pointy and she reminded me of my set designer, who is pushy, cocky, and talks too much. so the poor opener could have sung anything and i would have been prejudiced against her.
after a brief wait, erin comes out... she's just adorable. she's maybe 5 feet tall, in her sparkly belt and orange tshirt. she's got product in her hair and it's all twisted up- goofy looking at first, but as it falls throughout the concert, it falls in such an endearing floppy way. her electric guitar is bigger than she is. and oh, she's a rocker.
she had her andy-stochansky-of-a-drummer with her, and it was that great sound when just two people make an entire rock band. he played drums and sung back up. she sang, played rhythm guitar, lead guitar, and bass, all at the same time. sometimes ch and i talk about musicians who just stand and sing and dont know what do do with their arms ("just give her a guitar necklace, just to entertain her!") then there are the mucisitans who focus so much on their playing, they get really into it. but erin's guitar is like an extention of her body. playing it is like anything else she does- walking, eating... just effortless. i remember in color guard, that's how you could tell those who were really good from those just learning. the so so ones manipulated their poles to make them do the right thing. the really good ones' poles were an extention of their body. they didn't have to look. they just were their flags. erin IS her guitar.
she's so small, she reminded me of a high schooler with a band in her garage. she has all her rock star moves- she pounds her fist in the air, she plays on her knees, she goes out past the lights for the solo on the apron. i hope we were a good rock crowd for her. i didn't think we were dancing or singing nearly enough. i was singing. i'm so glad i bought her new album. she played just about every track from it- i think every one but the one i wanted to hear, we are more. she played 2 brand new ones, and 5 the crowd knew and loved. i wish i knew and loved them, too. i am so charmed.
i was all alone, and had no one to say goodbye to, and since i was standing right out front, i left via the stage door. there were erin and neil loading up the van. i said, "thanks so much! it was fabulous!" and she gave me a generic harried smile and said "you're welcome" i was so glad i wasn't drunk and babbling.
she is fabulous. i am so crushing. i want to follow her to the ends of the earth, french braid her hair on the tour bus, tune her guitar and buy her beers.
and i can't even buy her albums, because i already spent $17 frivolous dollars that i don't have.
and i've just spent the last THREE HOURS finding free downloads of mp3s. how sick is that?
not that i can figure out how to save them. what's the deal with appearing 0:00 on itunes? that shit don't work for me.
i think i'm gonna send her cookies.
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