postergirl

supervillain

ok, ok, finally, here it is. after an arduous time, a digital copy of my patternmaking finall:

i've made it in muslin, now i have to do it again with "fashion fabric."
isn't she worth the wait?

discussion

so, l and i had the new years talk last night. went ok, i think. i just like her SO MUCH, and now i have to make my decision about what i'm going to do, and i just don't know what is the right thing to choose. am going to call those southwest people, soon, maybe they can give me wisdom.

fucking phone calls. still need to call frances (my idea of fun!), too. called the dentist this morning about my toothache. i don't know what to do about that, either. i wanted her to say, oh those wisdom teeth just need to come out, here's the oral surgeon's number again. (what is it with my desk eating important numbers?) but no, i have to go back. and she's out of town for 2 weeks. i was JUST AT the dentists! i can't afford this! so i don't know what to do. i want to spend money on xmas, not on my teeth. so i think i'm going to ignore it and keep popping the ibuprofen. at least till after xmas. maybe i'll get gift certificates to the dentist for xmas. gma said she wanted to give gift certificates this year.

stayed up 2 hrs past my bedtime last night, talking to l. i gotta stop this. skiped lighting today, instead went to the busars, paid tuition. picked up some more course catologs from admissions, since mom took mine. tried to scan at kinkos, was pretty unsuccesful but spent $8 fiddling. fucking computers.

class, work, blah blah blah. spent 2 hrs. working on lighting after work today, didn't get home till 8. mom was online, so i watched the simpsons instead of wasting time online. which i'm doing now. need to sign off. go to bed. can my life get more mundane?

red glitter

our holiday pot covers came in last week, and our pointsettias came in today! jim called in sick, so instead i got them all dressed up and ready to go out on delivery. it was quite sad, after i decorated the store so nicely to have them all be sent away. ch got the pot covers i've always wanted- the red glitter ones, like dorothy's ruby red slippers. they get red glitter everywhere. i kept rubbing my fingers over my head to get it in my hair. ch was grumbly, whining about the carcinogenic properties of glitter and how he was going to find red glitter in his underwear tonight. i said it would be a good way to go. death by glitter.

mom put new colored rubberbands on all my dreadlocks. they're much too tight and giving me a headache- it will be weeks before it goes away. i have to be very careful tying up (or letting down) my hair. she also trimmed the ends and with them being so short and colorful, i look like a kindergardener. ok, the my little pony tshirt doesn't help.

i'm totally stressing out over work- all the things i've put off and MUST do. in additiion to schoolwork, i also must:
pay rent
pay bills
pay tuition (which involves depositing dad's check and getting one to the school)
get more college catologs
scan pic from catolog and renderings from patternmaking
call dentist, figure out what to do about my toothaches
deal with that, possbly involving finding time to fit dentist into my schedule AGAIN, calling oral surgeon and figuring out how to pay for wisdom teeth removal
and of course, there is always trying to figure out what the fuck to do about new years. fuck it. i have a paper due tomorrow.

jiggity jog

well. z took me to the airport at 12.30. was sitting in the gate wating for my flight to take off at 1.50 when they said they'd over booked the flight and were giving out flight vouchers. so i said, hell, why not... got my $362 and standby seat for the later flight, garenteed seat tomorrow. z came and picked me up, went back to her house, played a game of skipbo, racko, five crowns, then back to the airport. got my standby ticket and learned the 5.55 was delayed due to weather in chicago. till 7, 7.30.. but all ended well. i got on the flight, we all survived the turbulence, and i am back home safely in chicago.

not ready to return to life. will write more tomorrow.

no printer

good morning. packing up my stuff, getting ready to go to the airport. was going to print out my bording pass, but no printers in this house. oh well- middle seat for me again. it's a short flight, and i'm small- i don't mind. besides, i need to be totally engrossed in read my lips. the paper on it is due the day after tomorrow. how did this happen? i hsould have set aside a few hours and writen it here, or something. the real world is creeping in, and i'm so unprepared. i don't wanna go back to school and all my worrisome homework and responsibility. even putting up with the crazy new step family is worth dealing with if it means i get to escape my life, work.

first time

have blogged drunk before, but never high. we decided to smoke the pot instead of put it in the stuffing. although i almost thought that z was going to just laugh at me and not let me do anything as grown up as smoking after learning my lighter issues. so here's what happened- after dinner at the indian place, mom, z and i came back here to watch veggietales xmas video- the toy that saved christmas. then mom left and z and i did our craft project- apple and raspberry lip gloss and lotion for everyone this xmas! then we smoked a bowl on the patio, and called z's roomie lauren up and she played racko with us.

i have no focus! i'm going to go call l, and have her laugh at me. if i was a, i could write all sorts of amazing, insightful things. instead i'm going to go to bed and read z's copy of babe the galliant pig. brilliant.

leaving the house

thanksgiving is such a holed up holiday. yesterday we finally went out- took sulen to the airport, went on a bit of a shopping spree at a c moore with mom's credit card (hey, i needed white thread!) and then late last night went to cold stone for ice cream. z and i are so tired of stuffing. it's still good, but it's ALL we've eaten for days. someone take us out to eat! after all the guests finally left on thanksgiving, mom and z and sulen and i played 500. we were up so late mom stayed overnight, and then said goodby to sulen friday morning and spent friday with her inlaws. after our shopping (which also took us to wines of the world, the supermarket wine store) she took a nap and i stiched together my supervillain muslins. also, repaired all their duvet covers. so it was a good thing mom hauled a sewing machine all the way down to nc. we took the dogs to coldstone with us- all three of them piled in the car. they were like the dogs in a christmas story last night- so opressive, everywhere at once, so large and smelly. but they are good dogs, quiet and not jumpy, and very obedient. so i can't complain, but they can take up SO much space.

apparently we're going shopping today, i'll get to see more of nc. i need to start thinking about xmas gifts for the step family on the other side. i want to get gifts for them with z cause she knows them better- she was vicki's maid of honor. it's worse than buying gifts for family i didn't really know last year, cause last year at least i could get chicago kitchy stuff and it was cool, cause it was from america. when the family is american, that doesn't work as well.

that l, have i mentioned recently how sweet and charming she is? i wish she was here, too. but it finally is weekend for real, and there's free daytime minutes.

in n.c.

plane was delayed 2 hours, but all was fine. it's really late now, so i don't wanna stay up late to tell you everything that's happened, but there were a few fabulous moments. z saying she had some pot we could put in the stuffing- perhaps it would mellow marty out. cooking onions and celery, singing along to wilson phillips... there was a little malibu involved too... it was a bit disturbing how i still know all the words. then i put on little earthquakes while chopping sweet potatoes. mom brought all these old clothes for z and we're listening to her ipod ruby and trying them all on. how do z and i have the same genes? she's upset about gaining weight since she last wore these clothes, but she has such fabulous boobs now! and then theres bony skinny little me. it's so hard to believe. sulen has a lovely body in between ours, so one of us fit in everything! but now it's time to go to bed, but they seem pretty connected, so perhaps i'll type again.

temporary freedom

lighting was my only class today!! woot! i didn't even get out my plot for lighting design, i just sat down at the computer and pulled the opera light plot across my lap and started typing in numbers. and wouldn't you know, 2 hours later, i had a channel hookup! wasn't as hard to figure out the lightwrite program as i was fearing. i had few specifics for the assignment, but luckily mitzue was working on the drafting table in the back of the classroom, and she answered all my questions while doing her final plot for streetcar- she also says i can help her hang her show, so that will take care of both my assigments for silly 1 credit lightlab. now if i can only get this major lighting project done....

at work in the costume shop today i was just folding laundry and putting away things. patti came back and said i should check the corset box, as there were some fancy corsets that weren't in fact historical corsets but more the showgirl type. it ended up this huge project involving me taking up a cutting table with the showgirl, cabaret, corset, and bras and girdles boxes. the corset box didn't really need much work, and i got the two showgirls boxes sorted, and had just started to make piles of the bras and girdles (bras, strapless bras, long line bras, full body girdles, short girdles, garter belts... you'd be amazed how many catagories there are. and now really. how many people do this at their job?

and i got new shoes! christopher bought these 1913 style boots for vanya that were too small for everyone, so he donated them to the shop, but i wanted to try them on and they fit so he gave them to me! so i have wichy brown heeled boots. they are so cool! perhaps i'll take them with for thanksgiving. i'm totally in denial about leaving tomorrow. there is so much i have to get done, and i have a feeling i will accomplish very little on vacation. there's read my lips to re-read (taking notes this time!) my muslin to sew for patternmaking, l's xmas gift to knit, and papers to write. and that's not even counting the things i CAN'T take with me, like my lighting project and mending and scanning and emails and bleh!

plus, i need to do the dishes before i leave. you know how i feel about that.

so, off to pack. then back to the grindstone.

will type from NC if i get a chance, otherwise, happy thanksgiving, everyone, and i'll return on sunday with all sorts of fabulous stories.

weekday

oh, it's so nice to not force myself to be productive anymore! i can just go to work, where i know what my responsibilites are! it's this set time, i go there, i go home, perfect. i hate, dispise, abhor school. and i'm planning on making it through this semester, and then doing another? what a farce!

mom called the shop today, talked to ch, to order flowers. i did end up talking to her briefly when she called back for the phone number. she asked how i was. can we say TOO LITTLE TOO LATE? can i tell you how very, very excited i am for this weekend? NOT.

there was this great switch during my conference with my fiction writing professor today. so, have i mentioned how much i love correcting people's pronouns? i've had 2 conversations where i've had to do it, and it's so empowering. you know, i'm blabing away my story, my love this, blah blah blah, my love that. and then my listener says something like, "so he lives in detroit?" or "how long have you known him?" and i get to say, "yes SHE does." and instead of me feeling uncomfortable for that split second, it's my listener does.

i know my fic writng professor's gay, but he is very careful with his adjectives. he mentioned being married the first class, talks about "we just moved into a new house" or whatever. at the end of the conference as we're leaving, he asks me what i'm doing for thanksgiving, and i tell him than ask him. and he says, "we're going up to madison to celebrate with some friends." then he looks at me and the great pronoun shift occurs, and he says, "actually, my husband and i are going up there to spend the holiday with his lesbian godparents." i so felt like i was accepted into some sort of secret club! was thinking today about how most of my being out experiences were neutral or negative until meeting l, and they've been almost completely positive since then. queer can be fun- what a concept!

aches and pains

my teeth hurt. not my wisdom teeth, but the molars on that side. it's making me grumpy and testy. did NOTHING today. washed my hair. finished my novel. went to school to work on lighting, the building closed. 2 hours of my life i will never get back. it's awful. i hate it. i could be coloring dots.

and who's stupid idea was it to shave? i'm so irritated, right where the elastic leg of my underwear rubs. have been wearing tights instead of underwear all weekend, but will have to go back eventually. it itches. a said she was going to warn me, but by the time she called it was too late.

l's in lansing, entertained, no cell phone reception. i want a weekend, someday, that can be time off, instead of working harder to get all the homework done. and set up some sort of housekeeping.

morning

things = much better today. was shaving in a desultory way, whatever i could reach- mostly my left side. did my stomach, left thigh, left armpit, left knee, and was starting to rake away at the left side of my pubes when l called. so i stopped, and she told me to get out and dry off and climb in bed and call her back, so that 's what i did.
we talked, so long. still not sure what happened. not sure how it happened. talking to people never works well. my worldview is just so entirely different when i'm depressed, i can't communicate what i'm thinking, but i have very set ideas about how things are. i have so much schoolwork to do, but thought you all needed this entry, and now i don't know how to write it. and really it is dangerous to talk to me in such a state. there's a logic, but it's very warped and twisted. l worried about saying the wrong thing, and really it would be so easy, there's such a list. but she didn't at all.

things l did not say:
-i don't know what to say
-just go to bed, it will be better in the morning
-look on the bright side
-do you ever think about therapists, drugs?
-AHH! STOP IT! that's all wrong!
-you think that's bad, today i...
-well, i'm sorry you feel that way, but i need to tell you...

if i flip out on my mom, she does everything she can from 4 states away to try and fix me. g is so rarely available to flip out on, and when i do i am always so unsatisfied, i want her to be someone she's not. a is so good for letting me be in my sadness, but it doesn't help me move out of it.

i guess i keep trying to figure out what l did that was so right, that moved me out of it even before i slept. saying you poor thing is of course so very important. she made me talk, which i think is very significant. mom won't let me, a and g don't know how. i think the thing that turned it all around for me is when she wanted to share. that i'm not alone, even if i am geographically, she'll walk with me, i need this, she'll give it to me. i think my whole life has been subtext, or actual spoken text, of "this is what i need from you." and the response has always been "no way." or "i'm sorry i can't" or "well, is this an acceptable substitute?" and i've always been glad to reply, "sure, that's fine, thanks for considering me, thanks for giving what you can, i really appriciate it." or whatever. and that's fine. but to have someone who says, i will change what i can, i will give more than i can, i will go beyond what is comfortable if that is what you need.... who does this? and for me? really, i'm not worth it. i think in the long run she will be disapointed.

ahem. none of this is getting me to the south loop any faster. girl, you have a schedule to keep! so much homework, so little time!

green and pink

just a quick update before i shut down and draw my bath- tmed ch, just can't make it down there. ate dinner, didn't feel better. drank a honkin lot of midori with orange pinapple juice-i just kept pouring until it was a color i liked. it was worth it to finally make the orange pinapple juice which i've been saving for just such an occasion- i didn't wanna make the always accessable coke and vanilla vodka cause i want to sleep tonight. oh do i want to sleep. lets not even get started on the idea of learning all of the lightwrite program tomorrow. lets stick to what i can deal with: tonight. my book is too sad, too drunk to sleep, walked to jewel bought my razors. they're called daisy. they are pink. wild berry shaving cream. purple. girly. i don't think i'll use them. but i want to have them. just in case. l finally called on my walk home, thanks swmnbm. you're much kinder to me than i deserve. but she's at work now. and i'm just at home. i'm going to take a bath now. i'll type again in the morning. but am desperate for contact, am compelled to type, to call, even though i know i'm not in a state to communicate.

shut the fuck up. if you wanted company you'd be at ch's by now, watching a movie, petting his cat. stop feeling sorry for yourself. go take your fucking bath.

i wanna razor

terribly, terribly depressed. your basic friday night funk, i guess, but it's been all day. l has a 3 day weekend, but she's in detroit and i'm here. i'm pretty sure we'll never see each other again. she called in tears this afternoon at work, and i felt so powerless and helpless. it's a powerful cloud- i brought ch down with me. i put on acoustic ebtg, he put on eliza gilkison, i put on guster, he put on KRISTIN HERSH to end out the day. so you can see how our collective depression spiraled downward. i wanted to talk to l, but no daytime minutes can be used for weeks. a called, but she's got her own problems, and just as i was starting a customer walked in and i had to hang up on her. don't know what i'll do tonight. ch invited me over to watch my netflix. i want to go to belmont and get some piercings. violent acts of cash therapy. maybe i'll just go to osco, buy some razors and take a bath.

l's gonna read this and take the blame, and i'll have one more thing to feel bad about. it's not her fault, she can't help being the catalyst. it's just me, i'm so fucking empathetic. has anyone read this week's life in hell? i can't find it on the internet anywhere to post here. but it's perfect. i'm just so sad, cause being in love has kept me from being really depressed for so long, i'm so upset it's back. stressed, yes, friday nighty, sure, but this is the first time i've actually been down since meeting l, i think... maybe it's all in my head. someone can go to my archives and prove me wrong. i am, as usual, just being the whiny bitch running around screaming about the falling sky. and it's even worse, i can't do the fucking" oh me oh my feel sorry for me in my loneliness" bit when there's l. if swmnbm is right and there's some kind of contest i've won, i should be disqualified from life for doing jack shit with my prizes.

but my god, it feels the same to me. so the longing and loneliness has a specificness now, a person, a distance. it's still the same fucking longing.

so what exactly was all that crap about the strong independent pagan woman singing? the chick with the spiritual gift of fucking singleness? who the hell am i kidding?

update...

so, the dress situation. there was a slight : vs = error and the broken link is fixed. because, you know with my lovely safari mac browser, i write all my own HTML. any bit of emphasis or whatever, you know it's all done by hand.
to recap:
there's aspen
baby doll
and christmas green

so cast your vote! heather says she should just wear a tux.

winter

well, it's winter in chicago. tom warned me it wasn't supposed to get above freezing today, so i bundled up. there were major train delays, and i was 30 min. late to work. while i was waiting, i quoted the first line of grace livingston hill's astra to myself, "it had started to snow in a slow, desultury way, not as if it really meant anything by it." it continued to snow all day, but the wind blows fiercely, here in chicago, and so it rarely got the chance to stick before being blown on. this morning ch got his packing scicence degree out and constructed fancy box contraptions to deliver things so they wouldn't get smashed in the wind. (never EVER wrap, say, a dozen roses in celophane and expect the wind to pick up that huge sail! just let it blow through.) he took a half day to curl up with his cat, and left me in the dungeon of the sears tower with no windows, only weather reports from bundled up customers.
when i left work i just missed a purple line, and waited shivering on the platform, breathing through leah's scarf and wishing my hat was finished (i'm so close! one sleeve left!) took it 2 stops to merchandise mart, where i wandered in the wind and snow trying to find office depot. (only walked 1 block out of my way before calling ch, who's about as useful in chicago as rachel is in philly. although ch may be more useful, as i don't know if rachel gives restaurant recomendations or public art tours.) was dying to find something else to do after exchanging my ink to stay inside the warm office depot, but my brain was frozen and i couldn't think of anything. stupid- so i still haven't scanned my newest renderings in, yet. the damn thing will be made before i even show y'all the choices i had. anyway, too cold for me to wait on an el platform again, so i walked to the red line. i was wearing my fuzzy frog socks (no, not the pair of frog socks l gave me for my birthday, my OTHER pair of frog socks i got for my birthday...) inside my chucks, which were not nearly warm enough. it's definately time to put away the chucks till spring and become an exclusively docs girl.
came home, radiators were hissing, took off the chucks, put on the houseshoes, put the socks on the radiator. checked email, went back to the socks. nice. i love radiators. so much. i just wish they were warmer. and the windows in the kitchen didn't rattle. i'm thinking of making thick, heavy, velvet curtains for them. keep out the gangway lights, keep out the cold. and the back door rattles. everything rattles, actually. it's windy in chicago.

you make me wanna wear dresses

forgot to tell you: christopher and i were doing laundry in the costume shop today. and he pulls out, i kid you not, my new FAVOURITE item in the costume shop. it's so unbelieveably sexy, it reminds me of crimson dove's old masthead. really, it's THAT ooh. it's a slip, from the 50s i think. it's got bra straps of course, and this thick lace around the v neck and the top edge. a seam under the breasts to take in the fullness. true waistline, and this huge crinoline skirt. christopher of course picks it up and pulls it over his head." help me, help me", he calls. so i help him pull it all the way down. it hits above his knees, shows the extreme flatness of his chest... but it's still such a beautiful garment... well, undergarment. he was flouncing around then disappeared into the back and came out in a big hoop skirt under the slip. hot.

i must be feeling really horny, as i keep describing good clothing today by saying, "i'd sleep with anyone in that dress" or slip or whatever. this can be a problem. also, i've been swearing like a pirate. ch was last week- perhaps it's wearing off on me.

in further dress news, z is trying to find something for rochester xmas party. so we have a long im conversation about my professional opinion. she sends me this dress, and here is our conversation. as always, i'm rainheads, z's narknon, and she copys and pastes from our mother's conversation, who is funkysheep.

narknon (9:09:43 PM): can you help me pick out a good dress for my body type
Rainheads (9:10:42 PM): v necks which show off those fab boobs of yours. high waists are always good.
narknon (9:13:29 PM):dress in question
Rainheads (9:14:30 PM): adorable! you'd look fabulous in it. when in the world would you wear it?
narknon (9:14:40 PM): xmas party
narknon (9:14:42 PM): in roch
narknon (9:14:45 PM): did you see the back?
narknon (9:14:51 PM): I think it would look good too
Rainheads (9:15:15 PM): oooh! that's really pretty
Rainheads (9:15:28 PM): what kinda bra does one wear with that?
narknon (9:15:33 PM): none
Rainheads (9:21:05 PM): i think if your shoulder blades show at all, i think the back is TOTALLY sexy. the vneck emphisizes your bust, while the drop waist shows off your curvacious hips.
narknon (9:21:36 PM): the vneck is high though
narknon (9:21:36 PM): which is good
narknon (9:21:37 PM): not to much boobage
narknon (9:23:26 PM): baby doll
Rainheads (9:24:20 PM): oh yeah. i'd prolly sleep with anyone in that dress.
narknon (9:24:37 PM): here's what mom had to say about the first one: narknon (10:28:06 PM): look at the back
FunkySheep (10:29:26 PM): toga toga toga
FunkySheep (10:29:45 PM): very sexy
FunkySheep (10:29:59 PM): do you duck tape your breast in place?
Rainheads (9:25:38 PM): um, YEAH!
dear mom-
i only sleep with girls who wear things where their breasts are ductaped in place.
love,
caitlin
narknon (9:27:19 PM): the beginning part of our convo
narknon (9:27:26 PM): like 10 minutes
narknon (9:27:32 PM): was how to get a link to be blue
narknon (9:27:35 PM): I am not kidding
Rainheads (9:27:55 PM): i like the aspen, if mom's gonna be there, and the babydoll with applique if she's not
narknon (9:28:16 PM): she isn't
narknon (9:48:10 PM): christmas green
Rainheads (9:49:32 PM): ooh, it's really sexy! and such sexy green, too! but your boobs have to be really close together for it to look good, otherwise they appear to be in your armits for most of the night.
narknon (10:09:53 PM): okay I think I need to get to bed
narknon (10:10:00 PM): thanks for the dress advice
Rainheads (10:12:36 PM): no prob. i'm posting it in the blog
narknon (10:13:21 PM): dress advice?
Rainheads (10:13:30 PM): yes, and dorky mom
Rainheads (10:13:46 PM): my readers can vote on their fave.
narknon (10:14:53 PM): nice!
narknon (10:15:00 PM): but they don't know what I look like
narknon (10:15:03 PM): but I would like to know.

ok, dear readers! tell me which you like best! z's xmas party in rochester is depending on it!

plastic and pizza

lighting hell. i don't know what i'm doing, when i'm gonna do it. portfolio- frances hasn't even seen it yet. how am i supposed to make it through this semester. just about fell off my chair when i learned gender and culture isn't meeting next week cause of thanksgiving. how is that POSSIBLE? thanksgiving NEXT WEEK?? you've got to be kidding me. there's only 3 weeks left after that. i've got more than 3 weeks of work left. fuck it all. i'm just going to stow away on a train to detroit. i'll live in laura's bathroom with the cats. there's plenty of room.

went grocery shopping after work with christopher. it was delightful. he was talking about what balls smell like, and i said i had no idea, and he said "plastic and pizza." i told him that's what i'd title today's entry.

tried to make my grilled cheese with egg and mustard on a bagel. bad idea. very burnt. cold cheese. fuck it all. i'm going to bed.

talked on aim with rachel for the very fiirst time last night. apparently she thinks i'm cute and funny and SMART, and she reads my blog every day. wouldn't it be nice if i had something interesting to post? i remember those days.

join the club!

do you ever wonder what others im about? i know i do. i love hearing people talking about me... though i prefer it to be good stuff.

i keep adding more people to my buddy list, and i keep having to sign on real aim just to read their away messages.

all this to say, z's away message is a clip from her to j:

narknon: i would totally go lesbian if it wouldn't make my ex's so happy
go LdustWomA n13: hahahaha lesbianism sounds better all the time....

so, just to recap my abreviations:
a- wants to be lesbian
ch- wants to sneak into michigan womyn's fest
g-straight straight straight
j- wants to be lesbian
l- lesbian
z- wants to be lesbian

do you sense a trend happening here?

sunday

i really could do nothing for weeks, i think. i've done nothing all weekend, and still don't feel prepared to attack my week. sigh. i want out of my life, lighting class in particular. i guess it could be worse. i could be like l, who was forced to work a double today. with the first shift being overnight. so she got 5 hrs of sleep yesterday, went to work at 9 last night, was told at 5 this morning she'd have to stay until 2 this afternoon. then she drove to her moms to eat and then off to lansing. ratboy, driving behind her, had to keep callng her to wake her up. she called me, too, for me to yell at her. driving exhausted is the same as driving drunk! bad idea! bad idea!! i'm glad the lansing girls will take care of her now and she can watch the L word and sleep.

you can probably read all of this information on her blog. you come here to hear about my life.

today was a bit better than yesterday. crossed less off the list, but i did get out of the house. took the bus to andersonville to go to women and children first, which i continue to adore. i always forget how fabulous it is until i'm charging way more than i should. it's just my kinda bookstore- the new books are familiar to me- things i've read, things ive heard about and want to read, things that look interesting, books by my favourite authors... this doesn't happen much in the basement of the sears tower.

i think l should move to chicago and work there. it would be perfect. she could drive limo on the side. ch and i talked about it, and we've decided. so l, you gotta get hopping on that. i know you love the D and all, but really, we've got a perfect life all planned out for you here. and no one will throw chairs at you or expound to you all the ways they will rape you. we promise.

so yeah, walking up clark, terribly windy, two fags walking the opposite direction give me a fabulous snippit of overheard conversation: "so then when the color guard came on, they...." i do miss color guard. how geeky is that? stopped in jumping jacks, but all their overpriced maryjanes were velcro not buckles. good thing, too, cause i don't need to be spending money on shoes right now. then edgewater produce. no brusselssprouts. do they not MAKE them anymore? or am i just being too impatient? i thought they were a FALL food, for goodness sakes. guess it's more winter than i thought.

anyway CRAZY windy walking up clark. theres this hot chick waiting for the bus in a little alcove. i duck into the one next to her. she says i can share hers. it's this doorway to a music store, and there's art in the window. it's this torso covered in toothpicks. they line up at the shoulders and down the sides, cone up at the breasts and starburst in on the belly. it's facinating. hot chick and i make small talk about the weather, the art. she's got a cute little accent, she's from azerbajian i think. on the caspian sea, practically turkey, she said. she whines about her pants- last winter she layered under them, but this year, they are too tight. she weighed 110 lbs when she came here, and she weighs 122 now- that's 12 lbs she's gained. "psht!" i said as the bus pulled up, "you're beautiful now," and got on the bus.

she sat next to me on the bus, so we continued our conversation. she lives in uptown, sounds bad. she works on devon, was on her way to work. she's studying for TOEFL, and i'd give it to her- making conversation with strangers i find a great test of english. i felt so cool, flirting with the turkish girl- i was totally channelling ch and carlos. he is a fabulous friend made on the CTA. i kept thinking about giving her my number, but i never did. i can't keep track of the friends i have now, when am i going to build a new friendship? so we waived goodbye at devon and clark. i wonder if she'll ever see me again? i never see people i actualy know, so i'm sure i'd never recognize a stranger.

it wasn't on my list, but i made dinner. sweet potato and broccoli chowder, and grilled cheese and egg sandwiches. do i get points for that? i feel like eating is such a waste of my precious time.

srah's mix came yesterday, but i didn't get the mail till this morning. shit. i guess i really am behind. they're going out tomorrow, though. i should get working on that. right now.

pathetic

god i live such a pathetic life. i push so hard through the week, i just can't make myself work on the weekends. woke up at 10, dozed till 11, read l's valencia till 1. then my mom called (we talked about smoking, oddly enough. she said the most fabulously quotable line, "i'd probably smoke pot. if it wasn't illegal. but it is. so i don't. well, unless it seems like a really good idea at the time") , talked to her for an hour. then amy called, talked to her for an hour. then ch called... i didn't get into the shower till 4. wasted time online, didn't eat "breakfast" till 5. how does this happen? thunderstorms outside, no way i'm biking to andersonville. or even leaving the house. did a little reading for school, but really just flopped around. organized my earring collection... whatever, it needed to be done. how can 13 pairs of dangly earrings take up so much space? typed up my liner notes for quinessential now. i know i was supposed to mail them 4 days ago. whatever. they'll be out on the 14th, that's only a week late. and i haven't gotten any yet, so keep the pirates away from me.

have i mentioned yet that i'm a disgusting slob? i lied to l twice today, cause i am so embarrased about my personal hygene. "PLEASE tell me this isn't the first time you've showered since you were here!" she said. so i did, i told her i took one tuesday, but it wasn't true. then i asked the hypothetical question, if there's mold on the lid of the jar of spagetti sauce, but not on the sauce itself, is it still good to eat? she was so disgusted, i told her i was throwing it away. but i didn't- i ate it. i was hungry. so not only do i feel dirty because of the gross things themselves, but because of lying about them.

oh, i did register for classes for the spring. i thought i wouldn't be able to, cause i still have a balance, but no, there wasn't any problems. taking fiction writing II, figure drawing, ceramics I. along with the last class i really need, collaborative seminar. Costume Construction II is full already, but i'm sure tom will let me take it anyway.

really, i should focus more on passing the classes i have now. i don't know how it's going to happen. i can't see the steps between where i am now and that final goal. lighting is just unconquerable. but every other costume designer has done it, so apparently there will be a way for me to do it too. i'm a smart cookie. i'm just so exhausted. especially mentally.

so now, i'm in my houseshoes, jeanskirt, and the enormous pilly wool sweater of ruth's that i love so much that kept me so warm in nürnberg last new years. it's quarter to 11 and i'm eating box macaroni and cheese right out of the pot. don't worry, it's not kraft, it's organic whole foods made with soymilk and olive oil. Still. did you know i was so slummy?

crawling through the week

thank god there was no fiction writing last night, and therefore no homework. i have so much to catch up on, life-wise. well, schoolwork wise too. and SO MANY packages to get out! still have to mail anne's b-day package (and coming out letter, thank you very much) and ruth's b-day package (i've had the fucking thing since august, but have been lazy and it's still gonna get there late!) a package to laura (as that's what i do) and all my quintessential now mixes (it's almost ready to go!)

which reminds me- hey jamie! since i'm not in your quintessential now group, will you mail me your mix? i'll mail you mine! ALSO! i'm working hard (with good ol http://dict.tu-chemnitz.de) to translate wir sind helden's ein elefant für dich for laura. can you help me? i'm stuck in a few places. längst in the first line- is it like always? and is reisengroß humongous? and the phrase einer der nicht sollte i translated as one shouldn't... is that right? and then is eine die nicht wollte, a chick wouldn't? and there's a few other things that i feel may be poetic license- fest vs festigkeit, wegs vs wege.

i won't post the rest of them, as it's patently boring for non-german speakers. but please, anyone with any insight, i'll mail you the german, my translation, whatever you'd like to get it right.

fabulous weekend. who says that about detroit?

so back to the weekend. before i left, ch and i had margaritas upstairs and he programed pearl with this AMAZING mix to listen to on the train. it's the "without skin" mix( from ani's garden of simple). it's full of all sorts of great love and advice: Butterfly boucher- another white dash; alanis morrisette- 21 things i want in a lover; ani d- garden of simple; pj harvey- bird of paradise ("and i feel like some bird of paradise, my bad fortune slipping away, and i feel the innocence of a child, everybody's got something good to say.. things i once thought unbelieveable in my life have all taken place..."); poe- another world ("another world another time another place, don't you worry, my baby"); no doubt- bathwater; erin mckeown- air; shannon mcnally- beautiful and strange ("it's beautiful and strange, common and plain, and the only thing for certain is all the uncertaintly you feel-you're numb, revealed and sometimes hidden from a truth that you know all too well it shines and these are only a few of the many contradictions of love"); holly cole- i've just seen a face; jem- finally woken; beck- girl; belly- king ("baby i can't take it i want to see you naked"); kirsty maccoll- head ("you go to my head, and i'm out of my mind...i don't wanna come down, just wanna stay lost in your eyes"). i felt so loved, and so prepared to arrive in detroit!

i got alot of homework done on the train, though i was so hungry from having margaritas and nachos instead of food for dinner. but i finally got to detroit, and laura! and there she was, and her little red car wasn't NEARLY as dilapadated as i had been warned! she took me home to her charming garrett under the eves, and fed me soup, and put me to bed.

we woke late saturday and went to ferndale to get some work done. then we came back and explored hamtramck. we walked to the pope plaza, of course. and to the fruit and vegetable market, and the polish bakery, and the dollar store. then we drove to the indian market for spices and then the real grocery store for everything that couldn't be found at any of the above! it was getting late when we got home, so we started cooking. we made a spinach salad with almonds, strawberries, and gorgonzola, gypsy soup (spiced with tumeric, paprika, basil and cinnamon), cauliflower cheese pie with grated potato crust, and had a pumpkin pie from the polish bakery with maple nut ice cream for desert. everything was baking and we cleaned up. i collapsed on the couch with the kitty- i hadn't really eaten all day. laura wanted to, as well, but she was feeling too manic and so ran back and forth between cuddling and doing final rearanging. and then our guests arrived! first nichole and laura short with her new haircut. then heather, the birthday girl, and LEAH (who really does give the most fabulous hugs for someone so small) and pria, heather's wife. finally, matt w and pat. that's 9 people- quite a party! i got all dressed up and laura, leah, heather, pria and i went to xedos coffee shop to hear a band they know play. it was lots of fun. the band was good, there were all sorts of random people and exgirlfriends and stuff to gossip about, and the vibe was just funky. elliot was there, but there were too many other people to distract me and i was too intimidated to meet him.

and after that... what you've been waiting for... stilettos. it's like a dyke bar in a movie. less trashy than i was warned, it really is right next to "henry the 8th topless a gogo". when you walk in, there's the pool table and the bar, the room to the right is the drag show, the room to the left is the dance floor... the place slowly got packed, we all took turns dancing, i took off my longsleeved shirt and heather pulled it through her belt, so the mirrored walls reflected this dreadlocked, false eyelashed girl in a corset, short skirt with sequins, and pink and black striped thigh highs dancing awful close in this group of hot chicks... who am i? how did this happen to me? there's this platform in the corner of the dance floor that has chain link walls and it's called the cage. i think all of stillettos can be summed up in this moment, though laura seems to think i've been harking on it. so laura and leah are dancing together in the cage, and heather and i are talking about them, and how we're apriciating the short time we have to watch them dance, and they're pulling out all their moves. and laura goes down on leah, then picks her up by the legs and leah grabs on to the chain link and hangs there... if you're wondering about laura's testimonial that she chipped her tooth on leah's belt buckle, this is when it happened!

i was having a marvlous time, knowing this was what i came for, it lived up to my expectiations, but i was dancing too hard and drinking too fast. coke and vodka and lots of secondhand smoke... for this homeopathic girl, that's some serious mixing of drugs. we left at last call to start the long ride home. heather had directions, but they HAD to have been wrong, beacuse it took us YEARS. pria had to go to the bathroom, and so we stopped at 4 or 5 gas stations, but there were none to be had. all i wanted was to be home and peel my eyelashes off. finally, finally, we were back in hamtramck, eyelashes off and in bed. i was feeling so strange, not sad or sick, but more coked up and drunk and exhausted than it seems like i should be. laura tells me something that surprises me, and i take it personally, and am mean, so mean, back, and make her cry. it's bad, it's been such a long, long fabulous day, and i make such a horrible thing out of the last ten minutes...

the next morning we wake up tired, testy, hungover. i get my period- i'm glad to have that as an excuse for being so fucked up the night before. however, i HATE having my period while traveling, and am so unprepared, having been completely in denial. laura is exceptionally kind to me. we creep around the house, cleaning up from last night's party. eventually it's spotless again, and i get something else that's been promised to me for this trip. laura draws me a deep foamy bubble bath in the clawfoot tubs under the slopey walls, and lights candles and reads out loud to me while i soak. i ask you, does it get any better than this? after my bath we take a nap together, and wake up refreshed and ready to roll! i was planning on reading, but fell asleep too. if you know anything about me and sleep, you know how exciting this is for me. so that alone would have made my day!

we stop at rite aid to buy me tampons natürlich, and then are off to visit trish and ratboy (her mom and brother respectively.) her dad called too, so i feel like i've been exposed to the entire clan! i'm sure i would have been overwhelmed if i hadn't been warned. but since i knew they were going to fight and wrestle and joke, i was prepared. it reminds me alot of the affection ruth's family has for each other.. and really, the arguments are much less of a big deal when they're happening in english and i know what's going on. and really, who doesn't want a golden retriever puppy? even i joined the pleading!

but we had to hit the road to get to ann arbor in time for the dar williams concert. i'd had a good time at the coffee shop the night before, and was really glad i didn't have to sit through another concert. laura loves the opener, girlyman, but i hadn't heard them yet. so i was fine with not having a ticket... other than, of course, a bit nervous about hanging out with elliot. but i knew i didn't have to worry, because he would be as cool as advertised. indigo girls were playing on the mix laura had burned at her moms house, and we got to sing along- i find it a bit odd how seldom our music collections overlap. i think this will be the postcard i'll choose for my trip... no, i think i'll blend a bunch of moments all together, or choose the one the day before. the picture on the postcard's of laura driving me in her little red car down 8 mile, while my hand's on the back of her neck massaging her tattoo and playing with her hair and we're singing along to erin mckeown's "we are more." (and, to be ablsolutely and honestly truthful, 8mile was much closer to the begining of the album, by the time we got to we are more we had just gotten off 75 and were driving down caniff. i remember exactly what it looks like, though i had to mapquest hamtramck to remember the name caniff.) it's strange to me to see myself falling in love, as i keep slipping into being an outside observer. it's like how i pack, or even how i dress everymorning: i'm a costume designer designing the clothing worn by a character playing me. what i say, it's like fiction writing. i am interested in observing, what pet names does this character choose? what gestures do they pick up? the back of the neck while driving is a choice gesture of mine, it reminds me of jamie and pi- he had a gesture i just loved, where he rubs the back of his knuckles against her cheek.

eep! but i'm waxing too poetic, it's time for me to go to bed. i've spent way more than my allotted time on this entry! elliot and i ended up going out for chai. the plan was for him to study and me to knit, but we ended up just chatting. ok, i babbled all my stories while he listened. but what can i say, he's a good listener! i was reminded of anne, how she communicates the same way as i do- elliot does as well, i think. i was glad i got time with him alone, because i think with laura being so outgoing she would have overshadowed us. and then there's that theory floating around that i am a feminine version of elliot...

ok, i guess it's a little off subject again, but i need to talk a bit about how i take everything on faith, and i'd like to include gender in that as well. i'm reading laura's "read my lips" by riki anne wilchins for gender and culture class right now, so i guess my views of gender are different than popular culture. sure, my thinking's as binary as the next unenlightened chump. but i don't care much. apparently, people get really mean and angry when they can't fit others into neat gendered boxes. i don't really mind. at the womyn's music fest (as ch has been calling it, the femme-boree), debating their "womyn-born-womyn" policy, my question was, how would they know? if someone comes to the front gates saying they're a woman, i'd probably let them in. i wasn't asked to drop my drawers prior to admission... perhaps others were. i think you look like a boy, i'll treat you like a boy. i think you look like a girl i'll treat you like a girl. i'm not sure, and you say your name is lampshade, well, i'll probably ask you which pronoun you'd prefer. so my two gender blips of the evening were when it took me a few minutes of looking at the obs on elliots bookshelf to realize this was odd. and when the waitress at the pizza place looked at me and said, "what can i get for you miss", then looked at him and said, "what can i get for you, sir?" then, i analized this thought, why do i think it's odd for elliot to be called sir? and the answer had very little do do with gender: because he's much too young! if i'm still miss, he shouldn't get to be sir! he has to wear a glow necklace at stilletos, for crissakes!

i know it's a big deal for lots of people, so i don't wanna be flip just cause it doesn't factor so big into my life. did i tell you a. called me confused after watching transgeneration? and i explained that if i was born male i would be transexual, because i love being a girl and being feminine in each and every stereotyped and subconcious sense of the word. (or the vast majority of them, anyway.) i took the joke one step farther to laura while i was reading read my lips and said, 'I'm supposed to be transexual, but i was born into a woman's body."

sigh. this is so out of control. anyway, elliot's dorm room is full of renee's "we love everybody people" posters and photos from south africa. elliot reminds me so much of meike- not just leaving a large portion of his heart in south africa, but also being so nice and kind and loving children and alway seeing the good in people.

we did more, too. we went over to erinfromspain's and i met her and betsy, but it was under exreme circumstances, so i feel like i can't form an opinion yet. laura and i went back to hamtramck, and spent monday planning for my eminent departure. i packed up my suitcase, and we went to the polish cafe for perogies. we went to the yarn shop in the basement of the fisher building, then off to the train.

my train was late, and laura waited with me. we stood huddled on the platform, kissing and cuddling. kissing at the train station was very important to me. i mean, sure, i'm a fan of kissing in general, but i'm not a touching-in-public sort of gal. but i needed to make sure of myself, from the very begining, that i can do this. it's those christians, again, you know. they're on every street corner, glaring at me with their dissaproval. they've sent me running back to bed crying before, and i wanted to make sure this time they got the reaction i wanted to give them. and i did- they only exist in my mind, so i flipped them a mental bird and kissed at traffic lights.

and then i was on the train and chugging home. you've heard about everything from then till now. even if you haven't, i've stayed up too late again. so that's my whirlwind tour of detroit. comments, anyone?

wow. serious typing.

i'm so sick. what's worse is i'm not sick yet, but i'm getting there. i can feel it comming, the throat is sore the nose is running the joints...

but you don't wanna hear about this. you wanna hear about my wild weekend, don't you? well, something wonderful happened, so you're going to get that chance. my fic writing professor is sick and canceled class. so i got 4 more hours in my day!! isn't that wonderful! and i've only wasted one of them on friendster so far today, and i'm going to use one of them to SLEEP, so that means i still have two left. i'll definately be typing it up for class, but would you like me to post it here, too?

first, let's acknoledge the fabulous comments i've gotten re:my trip. I was singing katell's get on the train, amd franlin, but getting PARTISAN comments was even better! i totally was feeling more partisan on my return when i read my comments: "i wanna tug and smooth your tangled hair, bite your nails and stroke your cat...distill your blood your pith your crux and follow every movement made i want to permeate the air you breathe..." anyway, thank you thank you. you DO really get me. and i might get better responses if is stopped picking such obsure songs. you know, something from ETBG that's newer than amplified heart. and i guess get on the train isn't even on the what's the only thing worse than the end of time, but the shaking the disease single. and we know how hard it is to get a hold of a katel cd to begin with, and i haven't put it on any mixes to my knowledge, so expecting anyone other than ch to know is is asking quite a bit.

as far as detroit, i can only say, leah THANK YOU SO MUCH for the comment! i totally appriciate the relating, and your complements are too much. you too were so happy and alive, and i know it wasn't merely compared to the dinginess of detroit... oh, dear, getting into shaky ground again. perhaps i should stick to jamie's comment and say, how could i not have a good time? and indeed, laura's apartment is lovely.

ok, now i've typed up a long account of my whole weekend. if you comment, perhaps i'll post if for you, too.

restless

listening to pamela means as i'm wont to do while writing for fiction.
restless came on and it made me feel the worst i have since i returned to chicago.
"sun go down in ohio and i find
you on my mind 500 miles
october words i know by heart
i remember curves brief in my arms
you are like open sky
i am like the sea
take me in every drop
and fall back into me
remember that time you said i was like smoke
breathing me in past your lips down your throat
it's a mighty current a persistent wave
the mark of your absence a restless ache
you are like open sky
i am like the sea
take me in every drop
and fall back into me"

i miss l. that is all, for now.

ok, so the problem is

now, i got alot of work done on the train. but i can't take my computer or sewing machine with me, so i still have lots of homework to finish up for what is now tomorrow. i promsed christopher and michelle that i'd see uncle vanya. i have to go grocery shopping. pay my bills. so forth. so on.

then ch calls last night, as i'm leaving work at the costume shop. he's at dos hermanos, he wants to know if i want to come over for a margarita and tell him about my weekend. oh please. how can a girl say no to that?

so i came home tired, hungry and drunk. i was planning on checking my email really quickly, then cooking dinner, typing my paper, and perhaps typing a long lengthy post about this weekend.

well. in my email box, there was not one but two friendster invites. i spent the next THREE HOURS fooling around on fucking friendster. this is NOT good. please join me in my obsession. i want more friends! and you know, filling out the whole profile was not enough. i'm uploading pictures, leaving testimonials, on and on. However, there was another good thing: i finally put my blog on RSS so you can see the new entries right from my friendster page. so if you know how RSS works, i've got a new link for you: http://feeds.feedburner.com/UnglaublicheCaitlin i don't really understand it, but i hear it's very useful and helpful for people who like to read blogs. and i ADORE haloscan comments, so hoepfully this will also be a good idea.

anyway, today was a total drag. i'm getting sick, i have an amazingly horrible sore throat, and have been (understandably) exhausted all day. i must go to bed on time tonight. i say after an hour of typing this post and friendstering.

so, do my lists satisfy you, faithful readers? or do you want more details about my weekend?

so, about the weekend

still don't know the best way of doing this. perhaps i'll do some lists to start:

better than i imagined:
-the absolute PERFECTNESS of the mix ch made me to listen to on the train
-the cuteness of l's apartment
-the charm of hamtramck
-sex
-our dinner party, and the fabulous food therein
-seeing leah
-opening her gifts with laura
-dancing at stillettos
-watching laura dance
-candlelit bubblebath in the clawfoot tub
-meeting trish and ratboy
-elliot
-l's driving, directional orientation, and paralell parking skills



worse than i imagined:
-the complicatedness of taking a shower under the eves
-michigan's lack of beauty and charm
-the amount of appropriate kitchen gadgets l has
- the distruction caused by jackson and jane
-the coldness of l's wooden floors
-the shortness of the trip
-leaving

so the good absolutely outweighs the bad.

back n chicago

had a fabulous, fabulous weekend. will tell you all about it tomorrow. am home safely, am going to bed. alone. very tragic.

all i wanna do is pack

...but i still have all those nasty dishes to do. fucking stroganoff. i should be vegan.

so, it's dishes, pack, hygine, bed. tomorrow i go to work, then i get on the train, yeah!
every body sing a little katel here, please.
and exactly 25 hrs from now, i'm gonna be in hamtramck.
so realy, who am i to bitch about a yogurty wok?

i can't stand it

darling, just be yourself tonight...

i am SICK TO DEATH of all this painting. i miss you all! i want to tell you what's going on in my life...

not really. i just wanna be in detroit. (not a very oft mentioned phrase for most people, i am sure!)

letters from both a and ruth in my box today, though. feeling very loved. undeserving- spent so much time talking with l have been neglecting my other friends. when will this semester be over, so i can connect with them all?

big trouble

nothing is getting done.
namely, there's
-still 3 more pages of the paper to write.
-5 renderings: swatched, sketched and transfered to watercolor paper. still need to be painted and colorpenciled.
-3 light renderings: i think i'm going to collage them. i think i have most of my raw materials, but lots of cutting and rubber cementing has to happen.

actually, that's it. well, and go to work all day tomorrow. and eat occasionally.
but i guess that's not SO bad.

who am i kidding? all nighter, tomorrow, i fear. fucking paintings.