back in chicago

need to decompress, but no time for it now- i need to buy two gifts and finish making two more for lisa!- some how i don't think that's gonna happen, seeing as we're exchanging gifts when she gets home tomorrow. i don't even really mind the giftlessness, because i am SO EXCITED to see her! i've missed her while dealing with the Cancer Christmas. more on that later.

merry christmas!

I made it! My flight was sceduled to leave an hour earlier, but it was delayed a bunch of times, but then we had a tailwind, so we were gonna catch up, but then we had to circle Philly cause the pilot said there were traffic problems with some raindeer or something. We had just enough time to change into our fancy dresses before midnight christmas eve service.

So Merry Christmas, everyone! mine got a lot less merry now that the smell of bacon is filtering through the door, but i'm past complaining.

but wait! it gets worse!

guess who's still in chicago? guess who's 6:45 flight tonight has been canceled, and who isn't rescheduled until 4:30 tomorrow? guess who's missing the muppets christmas carol at mom's tonight and christmas at dad's tomorrow?

guess who's trying to make the best of it by finishing her xmas gifts tonight so hopefully she won't have to try and smuggle a seam ripper on the plane tomorrow night?

the fun of losing keys

(edit: i was hoping the temp. was attached to that pic, but no. type in zip code 60660 to weather.com and you get -3F, feels like -29F. and i high of 6F today.)
liz said it.

Right now i'm wearing: underwear, cotton tights, waffle weave long underwear, blue jeans, tank top, long sleeved tshirt, long sleeved silk underwear, cashmere sweater, wool socks and when i go out side i will add boots, coat, sheepskin mittens, fur hat, and wool scarf. BRRRRR.

as if cancer wasn't enough

i lost my keys in the past 24 hrs. I went to knitting, then out to dinner, then to lisas, and when i came home, they weren't in my pocket. they must have fallen out when i took out my knitting, and i didn't hear them fall over my ipod.

also, i think everyone's christmas gifts will be not just not finished by xmas, but also too small.

my life, it just sucks all around right now.

fairness

Hey, thanks all, for encouragement for life's deep questions. I don't really believe in god at all, but i certainly refuse to believe in a god like that. I think it came up because i've been thinking so much about my grandparents and i have so much anger towards them. I mean, i've always been sorta "fuck them, let them live in their old little world, they'll die soon enough and the world will be inherited by the next, open minded, generation." but now, that's all turned on it's head. z called again tonight and made me cry on the bus ride home. now that the dignosis is small cell instead of large cell, mom's only got 1-2 years left. Her dad is 83 and still farming. Her mom is gonna turn 80 in march. and they are the sweetest, kindest, most self-debasing people, completely christlike, except for being bigoted and homophobic. Even if i don't think of it as MY MOTHER, and just balance out who's on what team, i feel the circle of my relationships being unbalanced. I guess my mom always taught me how to be the black sheep, and while dan savage is right and we will outsmart, outlast, and outlive them on the grand scale, in my personal world...
well, no offence, but i'm making lots of trades. you wouldn't believe the people i would give my mother's cancer to instead. many of you. i'd feel sorry for you, sure, but my mom's real important to me. i'd even kill off both my grandparents if it meant my mother got to stay alive, and meet her someday grandkids.

question to the universe

So do you think that god is punishing me for being a dyke, or do you think it's just his bizarre sense of ironic humor that i was whining about not having anything to blog about?

new news

my sister called me today at work to say the biopsy's back and it's a different kind of cancer than they thought. so it's grows much faster... but it also dies much faster, so hopefully that will work in her favor. i've been getting used to the IDEA of it all, but then last night instead of talking just ABOUT it to lisa! or allie or anyone who will listen, i actually talked to mom again, and whew, this xmas is going to be hard. i think i've been coping, i've been handling it pretty well considering. but z just got there this afternoon, and it's not something i'm looking forward to doing. it's another situation where everything in me says RUN! and this time i'm actually not going to, i'm going to go there and follow my instructions. (z says the party line is "happi- no, CHEEFUL acceptance. we're not happy about it, but we're not repressing either.")

yeah so...

thanks so much for your love everyone. it's been just lovely to have a community whom i find so caring. thanks for all your stories of people who have lived for decades past their expiry dates, and for people who didn't really get sick from chemo.

i don't even know how to start blogging about it. or talking or anything. yet that's kinda silly, cause all i do is think and talk about it. i'm currently into living my life as if nothing is happening, but full of gallows humor. i'm sure it'll change by tomorrow.

in the meantime, thank you thank you for your sympathy and your good intentions to the universe. i don't understand how all that works, but i know it's important.

the worst awfulness you can imagine.

my mom just called. she has lung cancer that's metastasised in her liver. your comments would be appreciated.

xmas plans

i'm thinking of switching to twittering. what do you think? i don't follow any tweets, i don't really know what the whole thing is about... but i think it's like blogging through text message, and since i'm all about writing short posts these days, and i always think of things when i'm out and about and never in front of my computer, it seems in theory a good match.

i'm going to PA for xmas. everything else fell through. i'm cool with it, it was my choice, but it's kinda unexciting and i'll miss lisa! something fierce. Lisa!'s all worried cause she doesn't know what to get me for xmas. But i told her she should buy me obama's senate seat, so it looks like we're set.

desperate

so...
what do you all want to hear about? i can't do the daily drama posts anymore. i'm sorry. and i get all overwhemed and so don't blog at all and that's a bad thing. so what shall i post about? i think with a little inspiration i can get this thing on a roll again.

btw, thank you a and liz for your fabulous xmas invites! sadly, PA won out. but maybe next year...