got an email from g in mexico yesterday!! horray horray! i feel so acknowleged, perhaps she is thinking of me a modicum of how much i am thinking of her. (this is not a distainful comment or anything. i'm sure if she was just hanging around here being bored and i was studying and doing exciting things in another country, we'd probably be thinking about each other about equally.) she does write, "I was very happy to get your email because I was going to send you one but had to go to class, and I was very happy to know that you were thinking about me, too."
she mentioned going to mexico city, and seeing diego rivera's murals and frida kahlo's house- we went to an exhibit together at the chicago mexican american museum. also in mexico city, "I saw the biggest gay parade that I have ever seen (ok, the only one, but it was still huge). You can tell Rafael and Charles. There were so many attractive Mexican men in one place. It's a shame that not a one of them would have been attracted to me. Sigh..."
i find this so very ironic, that at the very same time i was at a similar event having very similar thoughts....about her!
and then she signs it, much love, gabrielle. sigh.
30.6.04
27.6.04
happy pride
ch & his partner took me to the pride parade today. i, as always, dressed up- my rainbow shirt and glitter lipgloss.
"we'll see you there!" jen and rebecca both said. i knew that wasn't true, it would be too big and crowded, but i thought i'd have enough fun with ch it wouldn't matter. well, ch and rafa went home right after the parade, and i called rebecca, no answer. so i called jen. she and her roommate were going to lunch with garrett (a "friend" of jens, though no one understands what this relationship is based on)
god, what a nightmare! i felt like no one was communicating with me all day. not ch&r about their post parade plans, not rebecca obviously, and when i found jen sara and garrett, we went to his apartment and watched bad movies till his parents came- then they left so he couldn't go out? and sara wanted to grocery shop instead of eat? and she didn't have money to do both? and jen wanted to do whatever sara did? i don't know. i certainly didn't understand anything that was going on, all i knew was i had to get out of that house so i could just GO HOME!
it was so depressing for me, it really got me down. i felt so so lonely. single people are supposed to stay at home and only go out in groups. love that patty griffin- everywhere is somewhere and nowhere is here/ everybody got somebody with their wine and their beer/ so i'm just this tragic figure in the corner over here...
fuck, everybody's got somebody. i have no pair, no mate, i'm not even looking for someone romantically, but just someone who i can rely upon to be my foil.
not that i have any fucking right to complain. jen's single and does lots of things with me(if we could just have her stop talking about garrett). ch & i always have a marvelous time together (but that doesn't mean that anyone but rafa comes first, of course) and gabrielle is of course wonderful to me, i mean really, whenever she's around... and joe isnt.
what do all the other lonely people do? do they sit at home and just watch tv? no, i guess they go around in large hordes of friends. how do i meet them?
fuck it. i'm just feeling depressed, and doing shots of my flower essences is helping enough to keep me from jumping out the window, i guess. still, i don't feel much better. i'll go to bed. we'll see what i'm like in the morning.
"we'll see you there!" jen and rebecca both said. i knew that wasn't true, it would be too big and crowded, but i thought i'd have enough fun with ch it wouldn't matter. well, ch and rafa went home right after the parade, and i called rebecca, no answer. so i called jen. she and her roommate were going to lunch with garrett (a "friend" of jens, though no one understands what this relationship is based on)
god, what a nightmare! i felt like no one was communicating with me all day. not ch&r about their post parade plans, not rebecca obviously, and when i found jen sara and garrett, we went to his apartment and watched bad movies till his parents came- then they left so he couldn't go out? and sara wanted to grocery shop instead of eat? and she didn't have money to do both? and jen wanted to do whatever sara did? i don't know. i certainly didn't understand anything that was going on, all i knew was i had to get out of that house so i could just GO HOME!
it was so depressing for me, it really got me down. i felt so so lonely. single people are supposed to stay at home and only go out in groups. love that patty griffin- everywhere is somewhere and nowhere is here/ everybody got somebody with their wine and their beer/ so i'm just this tragic figure in the corner over here...
fuck, everybody's got somebody. i have no pair, no mate, i'm not even looking for someone romantically, but just someone who i can rely upon to be my foil.
not that i have any fucking right to complain. jen's single and does lots of things with me(if we could just have her stop talking about garrett). ch & i always have a marvelous time together (but that doesn't mean that anyone but rafa comes first, of course) and gabrielle is of course wonderful to me, i mean really, whenever she's around... and joe isnt.
what do all the other lonely people do? do they sit at home and just watch tv? no, i guess they go around in large hordes of friends. how do i meet them?
fuck it. i'm just feeling depressed, and doing shots of my flower essences is helping enough to keep me from jumping out the window, i guess. still, i don't feel much better. i'll go to bed. we'll see what i'm like in the morning.
25.6.04
voicemail
just left a message for gabrielle. her mobile phone says not to, cause she's in mexico, but i left one anyway, saying i miss her, and saying there was a girls-only dance party tonight i wished she could go to with me. didn't mention that it was a special activity since this is pride weekend. planned to go alone (maybe meet someone there, write a blog about them?) i took my disconap, but was still tired when it was time to get up. decided that pride will happen again next year. perhaps i'll have someone to dance with then.
23.6.04
summers
one of the odd things about my and g's relationship is how it is so easily divided up. she goes away every summer for such a long time, that i really makes these separate chapters in my life. chapter one: we meet, and become friends as she's leaving, and i wonder if the relationship will even continue in the fall. chaper two: we become better friends though my crush- and the prevously mentioned frustrations- come to a head. this past year was pretty amazing, a complete turn around. who knows what the fall will bring? lots of blog fodder, i'm sure.
22.6.04
going public
oh, don't get too excited. there is still no connection between the real world and this imaginary place in my head and my blog. the title merely refers to the blog being published on the girl wide web. the link above will get you here. not that i think it will get me any readers. but the point is not to be read. the point is to write.
i just want one more chance for me to be "found out." someone who says, "hey, i found this site that sounds like you" or my friend said his sister told him about another g. in a blog in chicago" or whatever. i know this won't end without much pain and/or embarassment.
i just want one more chance for me to be "found out." someone who says, "hey, i found this site that sounds like you" or my friend said his sister told him about another g. in a blog in chicago" or whatever. i know this won't end without much pain and/or embarassment.
18.6.04
last night
perhaps it's all the blogging, but last night i had a dream about gabrielle. it was one of those "can't get to the right place at the right time" sorts of dreams. i was flying to pennsylvania, and i had a connecting flight. i had an e-ticket, and so all i had was a string of numbers, no actual paper. i had all these things i had to do during my layover- confirm the second half of my flight, go to the bathroom, etc. i was walking along one of those moving walkways confirming my flight, and i had 2 options to choose from, one in 20 minutes or one in 40 minutes. i chose the one in 20, and instantly regretted it, cause i knew i couldn't make it. i run all over the airport, the two terminals are miles apart. i'm hoping the flight is delayed, so i'm trying to find one of those tv screens- and there aren't any anywhere. i finally get to the end of the yellow terminal, and there's a screen, but it shows a map with the different flights patterns, and airline names, not times or terminal information. so i just start running from gate to gate, asking passengers where their flight is headed.
in the corner is a big gate with lots and lots of students all lined up. i ask a girl where they're going, and she says, this little town in mexico and points to it on the map. i start to think, "hey, i wonder if g...." then i turn around and i see her 2 back in the line. we kiss on the lips. i'm wearing this huge sweater, loops like feathers, and i rub up against her as we push through the crowd, holding hands, trying to find a travel agent person to help me.
in the corner is a big gate with lots and lots of students all lined up. i ask a girl where they're going, and she says, this little town in mexico and points to it on the map. i start to think, "hey, i wonder if g...." then i turn around and i see her 2 back in the line. we kiss on the lips. i'm wearing this huge sweater, loops like feathers, and i rub up against her as we push through the crowd, holding hands, trying to find a travel agent person to help me.
16.6.04
more info
so, i'm on to entry two. i read all these other blogs, and it's just what ever people are thinking about today, but most of my random thoughts are about how i just started this new blog, and what i'm going to say in it, and if i'm going to be a faithful poster, and if anybody will read it (which of course goes both ways- i hope random strangers will read it their lives will be forever changed, or perhaps a publisher becomes so facinated they want me to publish my memoirs, or the previously mentioned random stranger become my soul mate... but then most likely, there will be one person in the entire world wide web who notices it, and they promptly tell my father, my grandmother,and gabrielle.)
my personal blogging rules:
1. fewer run-ons (even when well-spliced with commas)
2. no more entries about blogging (we know you do it, for god's sake!)
3. tell your stories in order (chronological prefered, but at least introduce the characters first.)
4. stay short and readable (if you write every day there is plenty of time)
g.'s studying in mexico for 8 weeks this summer, so i have a bit of time to set the stage before she comes back and provides me with more fresh material.
how do i feel about this? stay tuned to find out. (well, actually, i promise to add a few clever turns of speech to keep you entertained even if you don't give a damn.)
my personal blogging rules:
1. fewer run-ons (even when well-spliced with commas)
2. no more entries about blogging (we know you do it, for god's sake!)
3. tell your stories in order (chronological prefered, but at least introduce the characters first.)
4. stay short and readable (if you write every day there is plenty of time)
g.'s studying in mexico for 8 weeks this summer, so i have a bit of time to set the stage before she comes back and provides me with more fresh material.
how do i feel about this? stay tuned to find out. (well, actually, i promise to add a few clever turns of speech to keep you entertained even if you don't give a damn.)
15.6.04
the start...
i suppose everyone begins with a blog about blogging. i guess my lack of resistance goes to show i can't really buck trends.
i've been thinking of starting this for such a long time. now i have, and what do i say? or more accurately, where do i start?
hi. i'm caitlin. i have a crush on one of my best friends, gabrielle, often abrieveiated as g. she is straight, a christian, and has a boyfriend i can't stand. this is the story i will be telling.
i've been thinking of starting this for such a long time. now i have, and what do i say? or more accurately, where do i start?
hi. i'm caitlin. i have a crush on one of my best friends, gabrielle, often abrieveiated as g. she is straight, a christian, and has a boyfriend i can't stand. this is the story i will be telling.
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