feels like home

this morning i did my usual lay in bed, eat candy, read an entire novel bit. it felt fabulous. i mean, i was wracked with guilt, but i still coudn't make myself do anything else. the bag lady canceled AGAIN, i don't know if i'll EVER get more bags to do. i'm sorry i rushed on them. sigh. it's a bit tiresome. anyway, took my laundry, and the laundry d left here to the laundrymat and did it. started writing letters- i am so so so behind on my correspondence, i feel terrible about it. i started a letter to mairee, and got sorta stuck in memories, trying to describe my summer. i got quite an ache for l. i've been missing her a lot recently. i wish having a real live girlfriend could make up for the absence of her in my life, but somehow it doesn't- they're on different planes, my sadness and the pink room. and i really wasn't feeling very pink room. d continues to be sick, and i'm finding it hard to deal with, the endless whining and ill health. i mean, i know she's more tired of it than i am, but i feel worn down by the misery that is her life right now- her cold, her ex, her son, her car, insurance, the police, on and on and on it seems to go. there seems to be the devil on one shoulder saying "what the fuck are you doing here? get out as fast as you can!" and an angel on the other saying, "what the dickens is wrong with you, you cold hearted callous bitch? have some compassion and patience!" and i'm right in between, always wrong, never loving the right way, never satisfied.

i was gonna go over to d's tonight and carve pumpkins and take jr trick-or-treating. but d's so sick and it's so far away and i'm feeling self-hating because i got nothing done today and don't feel like traveling in my costume and her ex took the pmpkin carving kit and it was just all a mess. so instead jr went trick or treating with aaron the upstairs neighbor kid, and then they drove up to my place, and jr and i showed each other our costumes, and he showed me his booty, and we played games, and got dinner from blue elephant. i taught him to play crazy eights. when they first came in, d said to jr, "did you see caitlin's bookcases? look at how many books she has! see, she doesn't need a tv, she has so many books!" he's like, "wow. do you have a hundred books?" and i say, more like 300. he starts to count, but gets quickly distracted. anyway, some magic did occur at the end of the night, with jr picking out which book he wanted me to read. he picked bartholemew and the oobleck by dr. seuss, and so the three of us cuddled on the couch and ate halloween candy and d and i drank tea and i read and linford detwiler played the piano in the backround.

weekend recap

to my dear faithful readers-
so sorry the week with d has made me such an infrequent blogger. it's not because i don't love you. it's because i don't know how to manage my time when my girlfriend's living with me. so friday. went to work with christopher. i was a little freaked out, cause after tuesday's fire the harrison stop smelled like smoke. and the spectacle windows face right out onto the still smouldering building. i was having some major issues with it, but i got to work and distracted myself and was able to calm down. still scary though. i guess i was always afraid of fires, it's just so much worse now. so anyway. then came home to get ready for pam's halloween party. d decided to be a vampire, and so it took us a long time to get ready, with me doing her makeup and trying to find parts to our costumes. but we headed out, feeling conspicuous on public transportation. we got there quite quickly. mike was dressed as the crocodile hunter- he had this amazing wig that made him look JUST like him, it was quite creepy. pam was v from v for vendetta. i'd forgotten about that movie and how much i loved it. horray for bald natalie portman! horray for questionable terrorists! we hadn't had time to eat, so i pretty much parked in front of the munchies. i'd gotten a bad cold- awful sore throat on thursday, and friday my nose was running like a faucet. so i was sniffly and soaking through hankerchiefs at a breakneck speed. so i was tired and drippy, but still had fun. jen was there, so i caught up with her too. and she gave us a ride home!! horray!!

saturday i sadly had to go work at the spectacle space. wah-wah.



luckily, my co-workers were also late and hung over with traces (or full) makeup still visible on their faces. we are just the type that goes all out for halloween, i guess. after work, i came home and deb made dinner. ah, so lovely. and she brings the dishes fairy back- you know there is no greater love in my mind than having the dishes magically appear clean while i'm at work. we ended up fooling around after dinner, as we are wont to do, and so we had to get ready really fast for carrie's birthday halloween surprise party! i was so worried we would get there the same time as ashley and carrie and ruin the surprise, but no worries. the host tina was someone fun from dyke march, so it was a good start, and the evening was actually full of interesting characters. and i wasn't the only one in costume. when ashely and carrie came, ashley was in a bright orange prison jumpsuit, and carrie was her scantily clad corrections officer. it was pretty hot. we stayed late, till everyone was ready to go to stargaze and dance. d was yawning, so i took our leave, saying there was a vampire who was itching to bite my neck, and ashley was like, so? i've got handcuffs!

it was so nice to be able to sleep in on sunday! i did some beautiful body painting on d, but of course won't post pictures without her permission. not even sure what the rules are about such things on blogger. anyway, boobies to come- someone let brando know. i returned some phone calls, (the fun, as always, of chatting with grandma) and we started a big pot of bean soup. i left d to chop veggies while i went to hear marjane satrapi speak at women and children first. i was o-so-late (fucking clark street bus on sunday!) and didn't know the address of the museum and was ready to bail, but i didn't. and i was really glad, cause she was fabulous. so funny and personal and political and made me wanna buy even MORE copies of persepolis and give them to all my friends. d and i wanted to go out with christopher and david, but we ended up too tired after dinner. plus, d's still been feeling pretty bad. headaches she thinks are from the accident, and then she got a worse version of my cold.

alarm went off way too early this morning, typical monday at the flower shop, blah blah blah. came home and got all dolled up in my halloween costume- again, for event #3, the halloween square dance. d came by in her rental car (!) to pick up her stuff, and she dropped me off at the dance. her son came back to chicago tonight, and so she's heading back to her own home. so hopefully i'll have more time to blog now! i was telling ch today how through all of this drama, it's important for me to remember my place. i of course care for d and i am going to walk with her as she journeys through all of this shit in her life, but i need to step back and remember it's not my problem, it's not my ulser, and she can stress about it on her own. it's a narrow line, and one that i tend to fall heavily on the empathetic side of, so i've been proud of myself in the way i've been walking it.

i had a good time at my first "real" square dance, after all our lessons. costumes, of course, are always fun, although my hoop skirt was rather frustrating because i couldn't grab my skirt fabric and swish it the way i usually do- and i kept bumping people. and my corset was feeling really constricting. but i had fun, and the last tip ch helped me take my dress off and i danced it in my victorian underwear- bum pad, hoop skirt and corset. it was a bit risque i guess, but they seemed to enjoy it. someone take a picture for the web site- that will draw in the young women, they said!

so now i'm off to bed. i need to catch up on sleep, seriously behind. but i guess that's the price you pay for sleeping with your girlfriend. i have paid it willingly, but i still need to function in the rest of my life!

snip snip

after work went to ch's again to day for a haircut. now i look like this:

oh, wait. that's from the spectacle space on saturday. hair pictures will have to wait. the girlfriend's falling asleep in my bed, and i think i want to join her.

hyde parkian

i just don't have as much time to blog anymore, being attached and all. but then, there's little incentive to blog, it's easy to forget about, when i get so few comments these days. anyway. enough bitterness. tuesday i had my dentist appt. d was still not feeling well enough to go back to school, so she came with me for my mini tour of hyde park. no surprises- my flossing is attrotious, but no cavities. i know i need to quit pushing my luck on that one.

d and i walked down good old 53rd st. we stopped in hyde park records, and i bought a new eurhythmics album, and they might be giant's flood. some old memories, there. we went to the produce store and loaded up. then we went to noodles etc for their delightful pad thai. love the purple cabbage. then off to the co-op where i bought 6 boxes of my fave instant indian meals, and baked tofu, and anything else that i thought i can't find on the north side. i know i can get more fresh indian food for the same price right down the street- but sometimes taking the bus is just too much.

we worked hard after coming home- cleaning the house, d did her lesson plans, then while i paid my bills she made dinner- carmelized brusselssprouts and chestnuts with whole wheat egg noodles, one of my absolutely fave fall meals! horray! we ate it while watching her fave lesbian flick, imagine you and me, about a lesbian florist who falls in love with a married woman- sound familiar?

today was much less exciting. yesterday's sore throat turned into a full blown cold. i was miserable for most of the day, but still wanted to go to circus class. i only have 2 left, now. i wanted the third to last to really count. it was a good review of skills- we did more balancing on the ball, more juggling, and work on the swag, which is a silk loop - sort of halfway between a silk and a trapeze. i feel like i'm finally getting the arial stuff- that i'm conquering my fear and being more comfortable off the ground, and getting at least a LITTLE bit stronger.

came home and d was at the laundrimat. so nice to come home to clean laundry, a tidy house, and washed dishes! i know she misses her son this week, but i'm glad she is staying with me while she's alone. it's very nice. would be nicer if we didn't both feel so badly, though.

longest weekend ever

ARGH!!! so much has happened, and i was almost done blogging about it all, and then the plug fell out of the wall, and i lost it all. argh! so many deep thoughts that will never be recovered! i will try again.

so friday night, i was wearing light pink because the chix mix party theme was breast cancer awareness. i was feeling so unsexy because of it, and not prepared to go to north and clyborn, which was filled with pretty people. i felt very awkward, but the 21year old's friends were fun, and d and i spent a nice hour drinking drinks more expensive than most of the MEALS i eat. then we went to our first anniversary chixmix party, and we danced on the dance floor and reminiced about meeting a month ago, and sat in our dark corner and commented on how much lighter it was this month, and laughed at how we couldn't believe it was really US that did that last month. but we didn't stay late, cause who can spend all night dancing with a girl, when you know you're going to take her to bed when you get home?

saturday mornign i had to work for christopher, which always starts too early, but is always a lovely experience. after that i went to ch's for a party with his niece and her baby, and joe and danny and hugo were there too. ch made some lovely delicious pizza, and we all played apples to apples, and it was a hit. ch and i talked to day about how nice it was to do something with the baby there that wasn't all about the baby. they don't always need to be the center of attention.. but you also don't have to ban them from any adult activity.

sunday d and jr and i went to church. d had said she wanted to go, and it was really important for me that she find a new church, to the point i'd help her look. i don't have a faith journey anymore, but i can appriciate how important hers is to her, but i can't be with a woman who believes that our relationship is evil, sinful, or condemning. so i wanted her to find a welcoming church. she grew up methodist, so that's where we went. i enjoyed it... back when i first lost my faith, it was so hard for me to go to church- i felt so empty surrounded by people who were getting something, or convincing themsevlves they were getting something, that i was unable to tap into. but now i can apriciate it as nostalgia, a pleasant tradition that won't hurt me any to sing along with. and they looked at deb and i, obviously a couple, (i wore my suit and tie) and they smiled their christian smiles at us, and it was all very nice.

i had more poetic waxings on religion, but i really need to get to the meat of my sunday. i'd just changed into my jeans to sacred harp sing after d dropped me off at home when she called- she'd gotten into a car accident. jr was ok, but she'd hit her head pretty hard. it wasn't far, i walked over there and arrived as she and jr were getting into the amulance. i rode along with, to hold d's stuff, and take care of jr and be the sensible one. d called her friend sue to come- sue had told her earlier this week that she was going to hell for dating women, but she's the only person d could think of with a car. when sue showed up at the hospital, she called jr's dad, who started on the long journey from champaign to pick him up.

i had hoped when sue arrived she'd be able to take over entertaining jr, her being more accustomed to kids and all, but apparently she doesn't be lieve in entertaining. so it was left to me. what was i gonna do, sit there with my ipod on, and yell at him when he rutched? so we looked through magazines. we told each other stories. he's a good story teller, and not a half bad listener. we played i spy. we played rock paper scissors. we made friends with another boy in the waiting room. we took a break and went outside to race and run and yell. we took lots of trips to the bathroom and drinks of water. eventually when d was seen, sue and i took turns going back to see her. she'd been x rayed and cat scanned and monitored. she had contusions (my new favourite word) and a mild concussion, but was ok. except for sore muscles and the worlds worst headache. so i asked triage for a sheet of paper and a pencil. jr and i played dots. we played tic tac toe. we drank hawiian punch and ate pringles from the vending machine. when i was in with d, sue convinced him to try and watch some of the world series. finally about 9pm his dad got there. so then it was mostly organizing and stuff. so i've met d's ex-husband now. and he's met me.

d says that when he went back to her, he's like, who's caitlin? she's a friend, none of your buisness was d's response.
"does she live "that lifestyle""
"what lifestyle are you talking about?"
"you know what i'm talking about?"
"do you mean is she gay? "
"yeah, that's the lifestyle i'm talking about!"
"yes she is gay. why does that matter?"

so i've been outed to d's exhusband!! i was asking for it though, with my parted hair and my boy jeans. the kid we made friends with in the er asked me if i was a boy or a girl. i was so excited. it was my first gender inquiry! i've always wanted to be mistaken for a boy! anyway, d's ex was still nothing but nice to me, even after that. i can tell, he's a charmer. the ones that i never quite trust, the slimy ones. as ani says, when they smile, watch the eyes. i wish he was nicer to d. but jr was so happy to see him, and he did take him off my hands. and sue drove them home, and then it was just me and d. i petted her and cried a bit, and then the nurse came with her discharge papers. i called a cab and took us to my place.

where i proceeded to coddle her in the most hippie ways possible! i'm glad she felt loved and not freaked out when i made her bagels and annie's organic no chicken noodle soup. when i put tea tree oil gel on her contusion. when i dripped rescue remedy under her tounge and gave her melatonin to sleep. and rubbed aromoatherapy balm into her temples. pretty silly. i did walk to walgreens to fill her perscription, too, though!!!

so that's the big news. work today, square dancing, poor d's still here, unable to find a way to sleep comfortably. there's still drama with her car. we'll get her healed up first then worry about it. so if the blogs are sparce, well, you understand i have an excuse.

oh so tired

happy sweetest day, everyone. my feet hurt. i didn't sell very many flowers today, which was a bummer, but i sure did make a lot of deliveries. we have about 7 red roses left. it was a frustrating day, one of those everything happens at once, then nothing for 3 hours sort of days.

but i had a delightful surprise in the afternoon- d came by! she had a workshop at a nearby school, so she stopped in to see the flower shop and me and give me chocolate. it was so charming. i had always hoped someday it would be me kissing behind the green curtain. she even went with as i did all my friday waiting in lines- at the bank, the copy shop, the post office. even though i'm way too tired to make conversation. it's terrible. i MUST take a nap before i go out tonight. i can't believe i have to work in the costume shop tomorrow morning. it's really cramping my friday night style, let me tell you!

since then

so much of life catching up to do! i wanna talk politics, nature, but there is so much basic storytelling, first....

ok, so my new skin came for my ipod on monday! it was a CRAZY day, bosses day and us totally unprepared, so i just threw the package in the back and kept working. when i went to leave at the end of the day, lo and behold, the back was clean- our driver had taken out all the cardboard for recycling, emptied the trash, and my unmarked envelope with the new skin was nowhere to be found. so i headed out to the dock. luckily our trash was right on top. i flipped through the cardboard- no sign of it. i waded through the floral garbage, climbing through the dumpster. nope. nowhere. desparate- it HAS to be here! - i searched through the boxes again, and it was folded up at the bottom of the last one!! horray! so now pearl is a diva. ch doesn't like it, he says it looks like a creme saver. i agree, i just don't think that's a bad thing. i do wonder if i should have gotten blue instead of pink though. oh well. breast cancer awareness and all that i guess.

i did post on tuesday, i think- i got the bags done, though i d showed up whil i was still gluing the last one. so we didn't have much time to chill before it was time to pick up jr. we went to see open season, and deb and i cuddled under my coat- it was very sexy. i wonder, though, how much does a five year old catch on to? it's always such a delicate balance, this thin line we walk. jr had gotten his alphabet flash cards at school that day, so i kept quizzing him in the car. he knows all his letters and all the sounds, but he doesn't have great success at putting them together, yet. you know the way to my heart is learning to read- there is nothing more amazing and wonderful to me than literacy, and i imagine being a first grade teacher somewhat on par with being a labor and delivery nurse- ie, not a job i could ever handle, but that amazing feeling of being around while something is being BORN. perhaps i'll put film director in that catagory, too. we went for dinner at our fave mexican place- i love it because their vegetarian options are not just meat-free, but they have VEGETABLES in them. horray for replacing the carne with zucchini, broccoli, carrots, corn, etc!

so then the hotel cafe tour. d dropped me off at park west about 30 min. after the concert started. i asked when i bought my ticket, how it worked, and she said they were all mixing it up. NO!! they were all taking turns!! and i learned, after i bought my ticket and went in, that the weepies were first!! i MISSED THEM!!! i was so so sad. to spend so much money on a ticket for a show i didn't wanna see. i just went home. it was a school night, after all.

so i worked yesterday, pretty unexciting, although we are getting a stack of sweetest day orders. made me worried about working alone thursday and friday. ch is off- his niece jasmine, and her baby are in town visiting. i told him i planned on going to d's after circus class last night, and he's like, "girl!" and i said if i can pull off a wild life, i might as well live one. we can sleep when we're dead and all that. and he's says, "oh, sure, i don't care. i just like it cause she gets you to work on time."

circus class was the tightrope and real silks. the silks are so much fun- if i ever pay off my charge card bill, i'd like to take another introductory aerial arts class, cause that seems to be my fave part. my arms are reasonably strong, and my body is so small it's not much weight to hold, so i can do a lot of the pulling and hanging sorts of things. i think getting over your fear of being off the ground is what's most significant. also, doing things like the basic figure eight hold on the spanish web was very helpful with the silks- and they are much more comfortable on your feet! and, you know, if i'm ever, say, in a cartoon and am hanging by a rope off the edge of the cliff, i know a few tricks to be able to stand there until help comes, or climb back up to the top. the wire was much harder for me- i use my hips so much for balance, it was hard to get the feel of waving my arms for balance= it looks so ungainly. but i did end up getting it, kind of, though i never did have much success.

i was really rethinking my decision to go to d's afterwards. it was raining and i was tired- i should be at home in my cozy house getting stuff done, not riding a train to go hamster shopping with a 5 year old. but d picked me up at the trainstation (ah, a girlfriend with a car!) and the 5year old was asleep in the back- hamsters will have to wait till tomorrow. on my seat in the car was a card addressed to "my sweetheart" (side note- the phenomenon of greeting cards. its so strange to me to get contemporary greeting cards- like, not ones from your grandma. my friends are either not the senimental type, or are all lterary and write sprawling letters on notebook paper, or are all artsy and craft someting with dried flowers or stickers. so this is ne!w!) d and i had had a conversation the day before that i still haven't decided how i feel about. she'd asked for my blog address, and she asked me about the "major reservations" i'd talked about in a previous post. and i went for it, and said, your house stresses me out. she was cool, and didn't make me feel like i had a stick up my butt. SO ANYWAY, she'd stayed home from school sick, and instead of going back to bed and nursing her headache like i told her to, she had cleaned the living room. and the kitchen. and the bathroom. and baked my favourite kind of cookies (the peanut butter ones with the kisses in the middle). AND downloaded a variety of ani, melissa etheridge, cardigans and weepies songs. the amount of work was just mindblowing. instead of singing slow pony home i've been singing somebody loved these days.

Rain turns the sand into mud
Wind turns the trees into bone
Stars turning high up above
You turn me into somebody loved

Nights when the heat had gone out
We danced together alone
Cold turned our breath into clouds
We never said what we were dreaming of
But you turned me into somebody loved

when i expressed my admiration, she just said, ah, something else i can check off the list. and she was serious. she downloaded my list of 50 ways to love me. she's working her way through, checking them off. seriously.

wonderful weekend

hey all, thanks for keeping up around here, even when i haven't been good about updating. i've really appreicated your comments, even when i'm not posting new entries. readers rock! thank you all.

so when we last left our heroine, she was planning a quiet weekend in with the woman she had begun to address as "girlfriend." friday night she took a bubble bath, with sexy smelling candles and tea and luka bloom playing and i read her fairy tales. saturday morning we were pleasantly awakened by christopher calling and letting us know he was sick and i wouldn't have to go into work. so d and i could move much more slowly. she drove us to devon market, and we got a CART (cause she can drive, you know) and bought feast items. we came home and started peeling and slicing apples. we only peeled and sliced, like, 1/2 of the apples she had, but we still had 15 cups. we made an apple strudel and apple pie, for which i wove a beautiful latice top. then we made vegetarian chili, and blue cornbread, and guacamole for appetizer. yum! the house was so hot from the oven being on that after we were done cooking, when we still had time before the guests came, we took a walk around the block. it was so charming. i couldn't help but think about last year this time, when i was in irish play hell, and mom came to see it and i walked around the block to get privacy when talking to l on the cell phone. how different to have a real person here this year!

ch and hugo came over and we had a delightful evening. full of cheese and wine and lots and lots of apples. deb had expressed interest in playing games, so i got out (keeping with the theme!!) apples to apples. it was lots of fun. except hugo and i tend to shut out all others when we play together. when we went out to change the parking permit on deb's car, i asked her if she liked my friends, and she's like, you're crazy- just having adult conversation is a wonderful new thing i've been missing in my life!

we were just lazy and slow all weekend- stopping to cuddle or chat no matter what we were doing. we watched high art, which was much more depressing than i had planned on. we went to the laundrymat, and i graded papers for her. the blue elephant is open again under new management, so we got takeout from there.

it's just all nice, you know? a weekend living in a surrealistic dream world. all the good things about being on vacation, but all the good things about staying at home, too. like taking a vacation in my own apartment. so that was perfect. and i guess it pushed me into the pink room. to have met someone who lives in the same city as me, who thinks i'm sexy, who lets me warm my feet up on her- what more could i want?

bloody cold!

it was just frigid out today. i was worried because i was going to wear my pink wool sweater with the big cowl neckline, and it didn't overheat me at all. it also didn't do much to hide my neck, but that's ok because i wore my scarf most of the day. i went to the spectacle space and met my real boss, and filled out all my payroll paperwork, so if i ever get my times set i'll be able to get paid for the time i work there. i went to the city clerk's office and got some parking passes for my neighborhood- so i can either have one friend over for 15 days, 15 friends over for 24hrs, or any combination of the 2. now deb will be able to park on my street this weekend.

deb. i think she'll be officially changed to d. we had the girlfriend chat last night, so i guess that's what she is. i don't know. i'm having such fun, definately falling into pink room land, but i still have some major reservations that i am trying to ignore. i wish i was stupider, and believed i could change people. then i could mold her into the ideal girlfriend and everything would be perfect. as for now, she's pretty cool. we talked for a while on the phone today (her driving, me curled up like a cat on the kitchen radiator) and then decided to have sushi at the indie cafe while her son was at youth group again this week. it seems to be becoming our spot. anyway, we're spending the weekend together, having ch and hugo over for dinner, etc. should be fun times. still need to get these bags done, however. there's one particular curvy one that's thrown me for a few loops, and is really draging down my process. hopefully it will go faster now that one's patterend and sewn.

Knutschfleck

today's german vocab word....

so after school yesterday deb came over and we fooled around until it was time to pick up jr. we went to the grocery store, bought sugar, and then went to her place to peel and chop lots of apples for applesauce! it was quite good. i spent the night, and then woke up this morrning looking like this....

i felt like i was in high school. how embarrassing. and i didn't have a good shirt to cover them up with. trouble! ch had the best response, "they always seem like a good idea at the time." joe came by and taught me the german word for them- knutschfleck. which really does have better onomopia, and just sounds so much nicer than hickey.

had to have an even lower neckline at circus class, of course. we did these really annoying things called poi, wich are sandbags on strings with tails. it's basically chain flags- nothing new or interesting there. then we did all sorts of stuff on knotted silk. it's not REAL silk work, which is much too hard for beginners, but it was lots of fun and empowering.

i just had applesauce for dinner, though, and i'm starving. and freezing- it just got SOOO cold in chicago. i don't think my tomatoes are going to make it. am crushing on deb pretty badly right now- would like to cuddle. but we're spending the weekend together, so that will be nice.

so little time

i have these bags, see, and they need to be done. cause bags pay. so i don't have time to blog anymore, because the bags have to be done during the day, cause i keep doing things, like, oh, having deb pick me up after school and go to her place to make applesauce from the apples they picked in iowa with her and her son. but since i'll spend the night, then work tomorrow, then go right to circus school, you can see how i need to take care of so many things before i leave. my life seems to be full of minivacations. not that i'm complaining.

contemplations from granville and broadway

1. when walking home from the train today, there was a big suv with a chick driving. the window was rolled down and "thoughts of you are picketing my mind, they refuse..." drifted out. i felt a bonding happened. but then she pulled off down broadway.

2. my absolute favorite mom-ism from this trip. we're leaving the trainstation, and she says to me, you know, the cta map always reminds me of a breast. the one with the suburbs on it? and i'm like- the train lines are the milk ducts? and she says, more like the loop is the nipple. ah yes. nancy katzen, ibclc.

first grace kelly pics

i KNOW it's past my bedtime, but i've finally figured out how to use my scanner. and so i wanted to show you how i created this
to look just like this:

i think that's pretty fucking cool, don't you?

sometimes

sometimes myspace stalking does pay off. usually it just makes you sad, because you feel far away, lonely, ignored, or out of the loop, with all those comments happening without you. but every once in a while, you crack some one's top 12. and that's, somehow, really important. or something.

lost day

i KNOW i've done something today besides staring into space, but what could that be? i really can't remember. usually i'm distracted for hours. i hate it when i miss days.

starting spectacle work

SOOOOO tired when i came home yesterday. i'd had a hankering for indian food, so i went to anapurna for vegetarian fast food. came home, opened all my little containers and ate dinner... then i crawled into bed, called deb and chatted, and fell asleep. when my alarm went off i rolled over and went back to sleep for another few hours. i got a good 12 hrs, which made me feel MUCH better. though a little late for work. spent good time with christopher in the spectacle space. we went over the supply list, did some veil draping, and then decided we needed to make backs of the heads for the masks. SO, we built a mold and paper mached it. luckily, we had classy macheing clothes.

i also made a pattern for a tshaped garment, so all in all it seemed to be a successful day. at home, i folded the laundry, then re-arranged the closet. put away the summer sundresses-- sad! sad! and got out the undershirts, thermals, sweaters and velvet. i guess there was stuff i missed. still. winter is too long and summer too short in chicago for the amount of clothing i have. paid the bills, did a lot of amazon shopping, and didn't get to cleaning the desk or letter writing. no wonder i didn't get but one birthday package. i've been a terrible correspondent.

too tired to blog

barely slept last night, worked all day alone today. at least not hung over. still, have a headache. feeling sorry for myself with the whole no-birthday-packages, no-comments-on-the-blog thing.

then i got a birthday package!!!! a sent me a coffee cup from her new job, homemade bread and HANDKNIT MITTENS! so someone out there loves me!! and actually, i think deb's rather fond of me, too.

also...

it would be nice if someone else had something to say here. i'm just saying. you know, they like the dots, they like the deb stories, they're jelous of my cat's new organic catfood, anything. no pressure or anything. it's just lonely, you know, to get a haircut and not have anyone notice.

embarrassing habits

i've not been doing much today, but i did get done things i've been putting off forever- grocery shopping, library, laundry. lots of fun new books, breakfast foods, clean clothes. right now i'm waiting for deb to pick me up- we're going out for dinner, then i'm spending the night at her place. of course, i'm completely out of sexy underwear, and i always hang up my laundry, so right now i have to take my most synthetic sexy pair and dry it with the hairdryer so i'm not wearing granny panties tomorrow.

the stories, they just don't end. oh and there's more dish on deb's dirty and deep side, too. gotta remember to update you on that. but not now. i've got undies to dry.

the dress!

is done! yesterday i worked in the costume shop, made the facing, hemmed the sleeves, put it on the form and took it for it's photoshoot! then i pulled the dry cleaning bag over it and gave it to it's owner! and he gave me a whole stack of 20s! isn't that fabulous! unfortunately, i only took film pictures, so i have no cell phone ones to show. i guess i can give you an incomplete one:

oh, and here is ch and i, being serious at the flowershop;


after another long day at the flowershop today , i headed off to circus school. i had horrid insomnia last night- fell right asleep but woke up at 3.30 and couldnt' go back to sleep. so i eventualy got out my book, hoping that would make me drift off.. well, i finished it. it was amazing. 13 little blue envelopes. so then i had something ELSE to mull over, and i finally took another melatonin and dropped off about 6. so i'm SO tired before circus class, you can only imagine how i felt after circus class. i was finally in the group to do aerial first, and i was so much better at it than usual- not as scared. it was spanish web again, but without someone at the bottom to hold it taut. just a rope. we learned how to climb up and down it, and how to make a figure 8 to stand on, and then how to lock it upside down, and make a lovely arabesque. i could do all these things. horray!

then i tried juggling 1 club. awful. 1 club + 1 ring = impossible. i don't wanna talk about it.

hobbitish

went to work yesterday, square dancing last night. the weather's been just lovely here, i've been getting in my last wears of the sundresses, which you know i've been waiting for. wore the tie-died one to square dancing last night, cause it has a pretty swishy skirt. i always wear a swishy skirt for any kind of folk dancing, i can't really understand how i am the ONLY one of our whole group who does. saw ashley for the first time in ages- since july sometime- she came down to pick up a co-worker's plant. of course i was wearing my swishy sundress, so she still hasn't seen my new butch look! anyway, as we were dancing, i started to see lightning through the stained glass. soon there was thunder, and we ended up dancing while a huge thunderstorm raged outside. unfortunately, it was still raining when the dance was over, and i wasn't prepared for rain. ch shared his umbrella- pretty useless- till clark street, where i saw my bus. i ran to get on, to learn she was out of service, but the driver let me wait inside until the next one came by. sigh. it took a while, while i watched it pour and pour and pour. had to chase after the next bus when i came- luckily it stopped in the middle of the intersection for me. then i had the 4 block walk home... luckily it was a warm rain. you just have to accept your wetness, and know you will be home soon, and it's fine. i was drenched through when i got home, walked right into the bathtub to take off my jacket and shoes and everything else. my socks and shoes are still wet this morning. ew. i dried off and put on pjs and made tea (ruth's erdbeer-cream rooibus) and got a bowl of chocolate covered digestive biscuts and curled up in my pillowfilled wicker chair and curled up with my quilt and finished my novel (meg cabot's avalon high, highly recomended). i told ch today my storm stories, and he said i sounded like a hobbit. which was exactly how i felt.

now i'm going to stop wasting time online and am going to go downtown and finish the grace kelly dress. whoot!

wild life

hey, could someone leave a comment so i know they work? i know blogspot comments are sucky, but i can't figure out how to get haloscan back now that im on beta. sad. sorry. but do you like the dots, though?

the bag lady was designing this music spectacular thing at old town this weekend, and when i saw it was kid friendly i invited deb as my date, and she could bring her son along.... so i finally met the 5 year old. spend the day with him, in fact. it's crazy to me. i'm having a lot of fun being the bad one, playing some serious footsie in ihop and the like. i mean, i want to be all over her, but i also know the kid can't see any pda, so it's allways this balance of holding her hand in the car, wondering if he can see it over his carseat, wondering if that's ok, figuring she'd put my hand back if it's not.

deb dropped me off at liz's party. it's crazy, just a few blocks away. why am i not afraid to go to a party where i don't know ANYONE? i guess cause liz writes such charming emails. and i figured she'd have fun interesting educated friends, which would be a nice change from watching cartoons on tv. what i didn't count on was her group of friends being the gays from chicago theological seminary. not just still christians, but REALLY christian. my nickname for the night was "who the hell are you" and it was lots of fun. they were all nice, i mean, how could they not be? but still, it was strange nostagia. i'd never met anyone before... but i'd kinda met liz 3 years ago. and as if christianese doesn't throw me back, hyde park does. you know how i still wax nostalgic about hyde park. so it was all fun, but a bit stressful... like we were talking about knitting, and a guy brought up an exboyfriend who he didn't like knitting in public, and i asked if he had the problem with all knitters in public, or just his bf, and he said he didn't think men should knit in public, and i said, "oh, so it's a gender issue!" excited because i love to talk about gender, and i was TOTALLY shot down, don't bring that up in this group, you don't wanna go there, and i'm like, woah, what? i was very quiet till the topic change. later, my fave guest was asking me if i went to church, and i made some disingagement signals, kinda i don't wanna get into this story, and said not anymore. and he said that i should totally feel ok with that and everyone in this group is absolutely ok with that, and i'm thinking, cool, that's nice... so talking about not being a christian is ok, but gender isn't? ok then. but some really fun people, a nice assortment, though all from the same box. they were kind to me, and that is important. i can't wait to see how it goes. all these aquaintences i meet places- i wonder if i'll ever run into them in bars or busses someday.

and what i find most interesting is how careful i am about deb, though she doesn't have the blog address and i don't think i'll be giving it to her anytime soon, and i'm giving specific examples of what i was thinkign about conversation and liz's friends, and i know she not only reads but leaves comments! (which no one can read anymore because i can't figure out how to turn haloscan back on. damn them! damn them all!) anyway, way past my bedtime