morning

things = much better today. was shaving in a desultory way, whatever i could reach- mostly my left side. did my stomach, left thigh, left armpit, left knee, and was starting to rake away at the left side of my pubes when l called. so i stopped, and she told me to get out and dry off and climb in bed and call her back, so that 's what i did.
we talked, so long. still not sure what happened. not sure how it happened. talking to people never works well. my worldview is just so entirely different when i'm depressed, i can't communicate what i'm thinking, but i have very set ideas about how things are. i have so much schoolwork to do, but thought you all needed this entry, and now i don't know how to write it. and really it is dangerous to talk to me in such a state. there's a logic, but it's very warped and twisted. l worried about saying the wrong thing, and really it would be so easy, there's such a list. but she didn't at all.

things l did not say:
-i don't know what to say
-just go to bed, it will be better in the morning
-look on the bright side
-do you ever think about therapists, drugs?
-AHH! STOP IT! that's all wrong!
-you think that's bad, today i...
-well, i'm sorry you feel that way, but i need to tell you...

if i flip out on my mom, she does everything she can from 4 states away to try and fix me. g is so rarely available to flip out on, and when i do i am always so unsatisfied, i want her to be someone she's not. a is so good for letting me be in my sadness, but it doesn't help me move out of it.

i guess i keep trying to figure out what l did that was so right, that moved me out of it even before i slept. saying you poor thing is of course so very important. she made me talk, which i think is very significant. mom won't let me, a and g don't know how. i think the thing that turned it all around for me is when she wanted to share. that i'm not alone, even if i am geographically, she'll walk with me, i need this, she'll give it to me. i think my whole life has been subtext, or actual spoken text, of "this is what i need from you." and the response has always been "no way." or "i'm sorry i can't" or "well, is this an acceptable substitute?" and i've always been glad to reply, "sure, that's fine, thanks for considering me, thanks for giving what you can, i really appriciate it." or whatever. and that's fine. but to have someone who says, i will change what i can, i will give more than i can, i will go beyond what is comfortable if that is what you need.... who does this? and for me? really, i'm not worth it. i think in the long run she will be disapointed.

ahem. none of this is getting me to the south loop any faster. girl, you have a schedule to keep! so much homework, so little time!