I WAS doing ok. just signed online for a second on lisa's computer to check when the library was open to return my overdue books. but then i clicked the link to dan savages blog and read his entry about never getting over your mother dying at christmas time, so then i got out elizabeth crane's when the messenger is hot to read about her mother dying over the holidays, and then i just curled up in lisa's bathrobe on the couch and decided to spend the rest of the day reading my favorite children's novels and eating the fancy truffles justin sent me. (thanks justin! ) i got new underwear for christmas. i can unpack, do laundry later.
31.12.09
138/365
home again. it's been so long, and so much has happened. when i left on the 17th, i was sad for a lot of reasons, the most banal of which was that i hadn't shown y'all a photo of my tree. here it is, though i am not in the xmas spirit. Lisa and i were both moody, though we had a nice time opening each other's xmas gifts. thank you charles for keeping the tree (and the other plants! and the cats!) watered! I don't have to work tomorrow, and my list of what needs to be done keeps getting longer and longer. but i think cleaning house may help me feel better.
137/365
Lisa's mom took me to Flagler beach and we walked to the end of the pier and around town. it was nice, though i'm feeling grumpy. that feeling of never being at home again is making me sad, and i'm just kinda ornery all over. i feel prickly, and that i'm soneone who has to be put up with rather than who's company is enjoyable.
136/365
Sunny! we were going to see the mantatees but it was too nice a day, apparently. so i just hung around and knit and read. the balcony faces the ocean, and it's wierd to have it Right. There. lisa! and i went for a long walk on the beach and it was cold but nostalgic. the atlantic is something i know, even though it's dressed differently here.
135/365
st. Augustine. yes it's crazy old, esp. compared to Chicago. but pa has old stuff too. the really strange thing is how it's always been a place for rich people to winter. the college used to be a resort, and instead of old churches and gov't buildings and stuff, it's mostly old hotels. it's like no one has ever really lived here, just visited. also, the ancient stone walls made of seashells? totally cool.
27.12.09
134/365
For xmas z took our nephew and niece to the jump factory, and Dude (what the grandkids call dad) and I went along. those kids are so cute. who knew people came so small? afterwards some cousins and amy came over and we played some games, while the kids napped and stepsister ran errands. then off to the airport to fly to florida!
133/365
nonchristmas. Allie (whom I will return to calling z, no reason to type all those letters) never got out of her pjs all day. we watched pixar shorts and other tv, and I repacked my suitcase to get it under 50lbs for tomorrow. then we started on the thank you notes. I am proud we got them all done by dinner. to the people who sent flowers, helped out with the services, or came from out of state. I also wrote the first letter for mom's life insurance. I'm still angry at mom for not having a will or anything. I understand she didn't want anything reminding her that her cancer = death, but boy would it have made stuff easier for us. I did go to the extended family holiday party, mostly to see my vegan anarchist cousin and say goodbye to everyone before leaving tomorrow.
25.12.09
132/365
my dad and stepmother are huge animal lovers. they are totally the people most likely to feed the animals at the zoo. they have a lazy plotthound they take for a walk around the lake down the block every day. and they've all made friends with all the ducks, who eat out of your hand and follow you around the lake. this is me feeding princess, who obviously ate very quickly. we had Christmas with stepsister, broinlaw, nephew and niece, and went to Xmas eve services. Allie tried to bully dad into going, ("you get to hear Louise sing and play with fire- what's not to like?") but he dropped off Allie poppy and I and picked us up. I know I am furious at all that hogwash, but I wanted the comforts of tradition and family. quack.
23.12.09
131/365
wore mom's makeup and her diamond studs to her funeral. surreal. exhausted. supported by family, but tonight it's just me and lisa! and marty on top of the mountain, and lisa leaves tomorrow before dawn, and i'm going off to my dad's for xmas. then it will just be marty. and tipper the dog. who is just as lonely as we are.
130/365
marty took me out to produce junction and then lisa! and i went to the florist for structural supplies, and i made the casket spray for mom- and a bunch of other arrangements too. my mom's parents and brother and his family all drove in and we had pizza and told stories, and it was really nice. even nicer was their bringing the pickup so allie and i can store stuff at the farm. all our old dolls and memory boxes and like mom's hats and stuff are going to be safely there until allie and i have homes and families of our own.
129/365
went over to the funeral home to write the obituary, plan the services, etc. mom'll be buried in Charles Evans Cematery in downtown Reading, where my grandmother and great-grandmother are buried, and where we used to go for walks- she would walk allie and i to our elementary school through it- children weren't allowed through on their own. when she last visited chicago and brought me furnature, she also left me the journal she kept when i was born, and it was amazing to read. i'm in charge of going through pictures, and making a slideshow for the screen and a poster for the print ones. i found this one of she and i and it makes me cry everytime. we were so cute, so unbelieveably happy, and had such cute wallpaper in the nursery.
128/365
post blizzard snow shovelling. lisa salted the driveway, i shoveled the walk, and amy dug out the cars. it was good to have some hard physical labor to do, something that we could succeed at. when we came in we took a turn sitting with mom. she was completely unresponsive, but just in case she woke up we always wanted someone to be there. in the afternoon her breathing got difficult, and with aunt janet, allie, john, lisa and i around her she passed away.
20.12.09
127/365
Lisa is here. her plane flew through a blizzard to land on the only plowed runway, and dad drove on the umpaved backroads because the airport exit wasn't plowed. but she got here. I am so lucky to have her. I feel like everything I hope for i don't get. but Lisa, I got her this time. now if mom just doesn't linger in this terrible limbo. it's so sad, so awful.
18.12.09
126/365
I was going to ask mom if she was ok being in my sp today, but she was pretty unresponsive all day. her speech is all slurred and garbled, and I'm honored to be pretty good at understanding. we had christmas today, which was pretty much the saddest thing ever. luckily mom's sister is here and her 2 best friends came over, so there were people around. she's obviously still alive, but she's also not here. it's so bizarre.
125/365
so. one of my favorite things about the Philadelphia airport is this sign- you can't read it, but it says "mayor Michael nutter welcomes you to philadelphia." and there's a cute photo of him smiling. but I've never been so unhappy to be here and I just heard he cut library funding, so it seems so much more sinister.
16.12.09
124/365
I'm missing all my adventy activities this weekend. i'm gonna miss tom and bob's holiday party, singing the messiah at the opera house, knit night's ufo party and the film festival party i was gonna throw. but i could still schedule christkindlmarkt with charles! we haven't gone every year, but we've gone most of them, and we have the mugs to prove it. it was actually one of the first things i did in chicago that i still do- so this is my 11th year. i've lived here a long time. lisa! came a long too, which makes me happy because lisa and charles are 2 of my favorite people in chicago. then i remembered the knitters, and liz, and pam & mike, and my co-workers at rock n roll heaven, and realized i'm not prepared to play favorites because i am surrounded by <3 here in chicago.
too bad i'm leaving chicago for an indefinate amount of time tomorrow. i think i'm all packed. toothbrush, deo, floss. 4 knitting projects, 5 books, a skirt for xmas eve church and a black dress for my mom's funeral. christmas gifts. handknit socks. yeah.
too bad i'm leaving chicago for an indefinate amount of time tomorrow. i think i'm all packed. toothbrush, deo, floss. 4 knitting projects, 5 books, a skirt for xmas eve church and a black dress for my mom's funeral. christmas gifts. handknit socks. yeah.
15.12.09
123/365
i was so stressed last night i realized that it had become worse to be here than be there. plus sara reminded me that my choices aren't just tomorrow or the 23rd, i can pick any day inbetween as well. and my little sister called again today to tell me mom only woke up once today and was pretty unresponsive, and i should think about coming soon. so i'm leaving on thursday morning. i have so much to do before then. like, tell my boss tomorrow's my last day in the middle of the holiday rush. and do laundry.
14.12.09
122/365
merry fucking christmas, mom. Have y'all heard the target radio commercials where the lady is so excited about what she buys at target she tries to get people to open her gift right NOW? that's what i feel like, i don't care about surprises at this point, i want everyone to know what i'm knitting them out of malabrigo.
i can't imagine mom's checking her friends photostreams on flickr regularly, so i feel fairly confident posting this picture because i mailed her this hat today, she should get it by thursday. of course, maybe she'll get me by thursday, too. i just don't know yet. i am so afraid i'll wait to long and she'll be too weak to move, to dry to talk, and too loopy to be familiar by the time i get there. i also know i can't handle more than a week or so of watching my mother die. i can barely stand to be around that long when everything's hunky dory. i feel like it's obvious why i'd want to go early, but i need more and more justification for staying in chicago. i can say it's stupid things like holiday plans or work or even gift shopping. but really, it's cause i don't wanna go. ever. i want to stay in this agonizing limbo for as long as possible.
also, i don't know why i insist on taking pictures in ellie's room. the light is warm florescent and it's just terrible. i just seem to be in there alot cause it's where my computer and sewing machine are.
i can't imagine mom's checking her friends photostreams on flickr regularly, so i feel fairly confident posting this picture because i mailed her this hat today, she should get it by thursday. of course, maybe she'll get me by thursday, too. i just don't know yet. i am so afraid i'll wait to long and she'll be too weak to move, to dry to talk, and too loopy to be familiar by the time i get there. i also know i can't handle more than a week or so of watching my mother die. i can barely stand to be around that long when everything's hunky dory. i feel like it's obvious why i'd want to go early, but i need more and more justification for staying in chicago. i can say it's stupid things like holiday plans or work or even gift shopping. but really, it's cause i don't wanna go. ever. i want to stay in this agonizing limbo for as long as possible.
also, i don't know why i insist on taking pictures in ellie's room. the light is warm florescent and it's just terrible. i just seem to be in there alot cause it's where my computer and sewing machine are.
13.12.09
121/365
i don't know what to do about christmas. my ticket's not till the 23rd and i have lots and lots of plans in chicago until then, but allie called and said mom is much worse and wanted me to consider coming back earlier. I don't know what to do. as of right now i'm just calling every day and seeing how things are. mom says for right now to wait til then, but i'll hope she'll tell me if things change and i need to go sooner.
So i had bad insomnia because of all this last night and so didn't feel like getting out of bed this morning. a christmas miracle happened- all three cats on the bed a the same time. as you can see they are as far apart as possible, and they are all pretending the others don't exist.
So i had bad insomnia because of all this last night and so didn't feel like getting out of bed this morning. a christmas miracle happened- all three cats on the bed a the same time. as you can see they are as far apart as possible, and they are all pretending the others don't exist.
12.12.09
120/365
lisa! and i are heading out to the suburbs to pick up her keyboard from the fedex offices, and then to the asian grocery store. we were hoping to hit up the thrift shop and the indian grocery store, too, but alas traffic is awful and we only have a small window of time on the car.
119/365
i do love my german advent calendar. i love it so much, in fact, i close the doors every year and put it away for the next year. the hinges are wearing out, though, so i'm not sure how much longer it will last. i used to have a janosh one, but one year i decided enough was enough. now i'm sorry.
118/365
didn't take a SP last night cause mom called. her scans came back, the tumors are growing in her liver. so she's stopping treatment, and the doctors give her a few more weeks, maybe months. supersad.
117/365
you take a picture with your phone in a snow storm while holding your christmas tree. yes i did take my tree home on the bus. my belief in public transit isn't some half-assed commuters only shit. it's not that tall, and it was wrapped up. more a problem was getting the snow off it before i took it inside.
116/365
so cold. wanted to photo the condensation beads on my scarf from my breath. unfortunately, all i really got a good picture of was my pimple.
115/365
SNOW! happy monday! on the metra tracks and though i'm not awake yet the world is beautiful.
113/365
today i'm not sewing but shipping. this is the other new space- the office is separate from the workspace.
112/365
days we've been at the new workspace- 2.
items i have bought from the vending machine- 2.
this is a disturbing trend.
items i have bought from the vending machine- 2.
this is a disturbing trend.
111/365
here's the new space! there's something i really love about this photo. although i realize you haven't seen the windows yet- the sills make for such good tripods. but here i am hard at work. we have so many holiday orders. i think some of the charm is how elfin i look with my pointy sideburns.
110/365
we had incredible food in new york. it was totally the trip planned by iphone, we kept going back and forth between the map app and the yelp app. we had hard times finding things that were open, but after a couple of false starts we had an amazing dinner in this italian restaurant. they said there were no seats upstairs but if we wanted to we could hear the spanish guitarist downstairs. we of course said sure and so the hostess led us through a door down a steep and rickety flight of iron stairs through a hallway which was like between the two buildings through an impossibly narrow doorway and then through the kitchen into the wine cellar, where there were tables and bottles of wine and indeed the guitarist. we had 3 courses of amazing food and the wine flight too. one of the types of wine was from heritage grapes from the specific region of italy- i forget which one. but i didn't realize most european wines come from grapes from africa or south america. when in europe you see the bombed out churches and stuff, but i never thought of war destroying vineyards to the point of making grape varieties extinct.
anyway, that's not what this picture is from. this is lunch the next day in the boathouse of central park. we can see the trees and the lake, but it was one of the most expensive salads i'd ever eaten.
anyway, that's not what this picture is from. this is lunch the next day in the boathouse of central park. we can see the trees and the lake, but it was one of the most expensive salads i'd ever eaten.
109/365
NYC! upon arriving, we went to our hotel, left our bag and went out to lunch. then we checked in to the hotel and headed way way way north manhattan to see the cloisters. this picture is taken right about when we realized there was no possible way to get there on time. so instead we walked around the gardens and watched the sunset over the bridge to new jersey. which actually was also very nice.
108/365
if i wouldn't wait until midnight to take my sps, they'd be less blurry. you can't even see my cute top. i bought it for amy for xmas years ago, but it shrunk and she grew and so she gave it back to me. it has a cartoon chick in it and says chicks rule. this is in my mom's office- again, it's so weird to take sps in mirrors that she used to take hers in.
107/365
when my mom did 365 about 2 years ago (www.flickr.com/photos/nancykatzen) she took lots of pictures in this bathroom- i don't know if it was the light or the striped wallpaper. but now it's my chance to take one, too. although i took this late, since i had already missed the oppertunity to take my SP with amy, or at thanksgiving at dads, or even with daylight. oh well. also, i have never heard of breezy corner, berks county. but as that's apparently what flickr maps thinks is the name of my mom's mountain, i'm going to call it that cause it's adorable.
106/365
thanksgiving! we flew in arriving in philly at 9am on thanksgiving day. longest thanksgiving ever! we'd been up for hours, and when we wheeled our suitcases in the front door everyone else was just getting up and eating breakfast in their pajamas.
also, i think this plate is a testament to what vegetarians eat at thanksgiving. i mean, come on, do these doubters just eat turkey and nothing else? maybe they cook everything in lard and stuff all the stuffing in the bird. but it is so not a big deal for my family.
also, i think this plate is a testament to what vegetarians eat at thanksgiving. i mean, come on, do these doubters just eat turkey and nothing else? maybe they cook everything in lard and stuff all the stuffing in the bird. but it is so not a big deal for my family.
105/365
last day at the old location of rock n' roll heaven. last day of my short commute, too. i am so excited to work in the new huge warm space, but i am not excited about my 75min on the bus every day.
104/365
new haircut! my mullet was getting unbearable, lisa! had to do something about it before thanksgiving. and didn't she do such a nice job? i dont' even mind that she only does one haircut- hers- cause it's a nice haircut.
103/365
as promised from last week, the disturbing animatronic creatures (elves?) in oglvie transporation center. there are some decorating a shoe, but these are baking cookies out of polyester batting in styrafoam. yum creepy.
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