so it seems. did i mention in g's last email to me she called me dear twice? when i got so mad at her for not letting me meet her sister, she made me an apology cd full of love songs. i showed the list to charles and he's like is this supposed to be that sort of christian love? i'm like, i guess so. but hmmm. i think if i wasn't so used to these intimate friendships, it would be even easier to misconstrue this, to make it be what my imagination whats to think, esp. with that kiss on the lips under our umbrellas in the rain when we said goodbye for the summer...
on a differnt note, very unemotional and straghtforward, i got another utne reader in the mail today (headline on front cover: how blogging ruined my life.... forshadowing?) that gives me two unte readers, one organinc style, and one real simple to read on the plane. i want to seem an interesting seatmate.
29.7.04
26.7.04
more mairee
got an email from g today, which was so wonderful i have to deal with it in two parts.
she wrote cause she'd gotten mairee's bulk email, and she said the first thing she thought was, how is caitlin handling this? she asked me how i felt and i wrote back an anne lamottian list as my reply:
"abandoned. angry. blue. crestfallen. cynical. dejected. depressed. desolate. despondent. disapointed. disillusioned. dismayed. dispairing. distressed. down. forlorn. frustrated. gloomy. glum. grieving. hearbroken. hurt. infuriated. isolated. jilted. marooned. miserable. sad. shocked. sorry. tearful. traumatized. unhappy. upset. wretched."
she wrote cause she'd gotten mairee's bulk email, and she said the first thing she thought was, how is caitlin handling this? she asked me how i felt and i wrote back an anne lamottian list as my reply:
"abandoned. angry. blue. crestfallen. cynical. dejected. depressed. desolate. despondent. disapointed. disillusioned. dismayed. dispairing. distressed. down. forlorn. frustrated. gloomy. glum. grieving. hearbroken. hurt. infuriated. isolated. jilted. marooned. miserable. sad. shocked. sorry. tearful. traumatized. unhappy. upset. wretched."
25.7.04
surprising news
just got an email from mairee. she's moving to baltamore, she got a good job there. makes me glum. who's left? i keep saying to myself it will be better when everyone comes back after summer's over. this means gabrielle. there's no one else to come back.
i'm sorry, i'm in a bad mood. i went to church this morning, compelled for some reason. i don't know why. it always makes me so depressed. was walking down 53rd, in serious need of cash therapy, but still, not being allowed to buy anything. so i went to the grocery store, the only place i permit myself to shop, and blew $30 on crap.
i came home, drank hard lemonade, ate chex mix and watched legally blonde 2. i felt better, till i checked my email.
i'm sorry, i'm in a bad mood. i went to church this morning, compelled for some reason. i don't know why. it always makes me so depressed. was walking down 53rd, in serious need of cash therapy, but still, not being allowed to buy anything. so i went to the grocery store, the only place i permit myself to shop, and blew $30 on crap.
i came home, drank hard lemonade, ate chex mix and watched legally blonde 2. i felt better, till i checked my email.
23.7.04
wedding blues
sigh. just talked to my mom for the first time since she left. i called her- she's much to distracted to remember anything about me. i'm so cruel... no, her discraction's understandable, fiance and him recovering from shoulder surgery at that, but still, i feel lonely. especially since ch told me that he won't be able to come to the wedding. he and i can't both leave the shop at the same time, and that gives us so little time we'd have to fly. and he can't afford it, and of course r should come too, and that they really can't afford. there is of course no better date, but i'm looking around for a reasonable substitute. i love amy, but i took her to my stepsister's wedding, and she's invited to this one on her own (and should be allowed to bring her own guest). and no matter how marvelous she is, she's still the best part of my life in pa, and i want to take a part of my life in chicago. don't see how it could work, though. i don't feel i know jen well enough yet. mairee will have already started school. g doesn't have a car. perhaps she's rich enough to fly. who would do that for me?
22.7.04
changes come
it's so odd, pleasantly odd, how enthusiastic gabrielle is about our friendship these days.she writes me back the next day from mexico (making her usual excuses of business ring true) and her letters are full of and it reminded me of yous and i told them about how my friend caitlins and i can't wait to be back- 3 more weekses. i feel like she's so aware of me- what a wonderful feeling! i don't think the aching in my heart for her has grown any less. so i guess she really has been changing for the better. this is why i need to stay a secret. cause i like her much better as a friend than a far away uncomfortable crush. and if she's the sort of friend i require... well then, more's the better.
changes come
it's so odd, pleasantly odd, how enthusiastic gabrielle is about our friendship these days.she writes me back the next day from mexico (making her usual excuses of business ring true) and her letters are full of and it reminded me of yous and i told them about how my friend caitlins and i can't wait to be back- 3 more weekses. i feel like she's so aware of me- what a wonderful feeling! i don't think the aching in my heart for her has grown any less. so i guess she really has been changing for the better. this is why i need to stay a secret. cause i like her much better as a friend than a far away uncomfortable crush. and if she's the sort of friend i require... well then, more's the better.
20.7.04
$$$
hot and humid here in chicago today. i tried so hard to get things done, but mostly sat around the house. checked my email 5 or 6 times, but it was always just the same 2 emails i've been keeping as new- the one from g and the one from her little sister. apparently too hot to respond to even those. paid my bills....kind of. i'm in big trouble with money. think i'm gonna be able to pay august's rent, but don't know how i'm gonna do september. i am hot and sad and poor and worried. no more cash therapy for me. .
19.7.04
la araña no tiene telaraña
la araña no tiene telaraña
what does this mean? something doesn't have something else. it was the subject of g's most recent email to me from mexico. she said she was thinking about me, as she committed some Cash Therapy with friends
thinking of doing some cash therapy myslelf, as i leave for the beach in a week and a half, and i only have one bathing suit and h&m has so many cute ones. is more than one necessary? what if something happens to it? i will be there almost all week.
however, i can't, i can't. i need to pay off this incredible credit card debt. i want to escape to germany this christmas. i can't bear the thought of being trapped in pa with my mother's new carnivorous husband. surely a lack of junk i would buy just to forget my hopeless love is worth a european trip?
a french guy in a well tailored suit was sending flowers this afternoon. he made me feel longing- i bent over backwards for him, mostly beacuse of his accent. isn't that sick? however, longing for europe seems to be a much safer passion- something achieveable, something i can whine to others about- in comparison with my passion for g.
what does this mean? something doesn't have something else. it was the subject of g's most recent email to me from mexico. she said she was thinking about me, as she committed some Cash Therapy with friends
thinking of doing some cash therapy myslelf, as i leave for the beach in a week and a half, and i only have one bathing suit and h&m has so many cute ones. is more than one necessary? what if something happens to it? i will be there almost all week.
however, i can't, i can't. i need to pay off this incredible credit card debt. i want to escape to germany this christmas. i can't bear the thought of being trapped in pa with my mother's new carnivorous husband. surely a lack of junk i would buy just to forget my hopeless love is worth a european trip?
a french guy in a well tailored suit was sending flowers this afternoon. he made me feel longing- i bent over backwards for him, mostly beacuse of his accent. isn't that sick? however, longing for europe seems to be a much safer passion- something achieveable, something i can whine to others about- in comparison with my passion for g.
18.7.04
mom
so, she's left now. poor thing is under alot of stress with being engaged. makes me wish i liked her fiance better. there really isn't anything endearing about straight men, in my opinion. perhaps i haven't met the right one yet.
kept thinking that at one party or another i'd get drunk enough to give her this address or something... didn't happen. can't quite imagine it. i mean, my mom's pretty cool. we went to the used cd store together, and the big birthdaybbqfiesta ch & r had for ch's birthday. "there weren't very many girls there" was her comment on the bus ride home. i do think it's ok for ch & r to be gay, but me? whoah now!
kept thinking that at one party or another i'd get drunk enough to give her this address or something... didn't happen. can't quite imagine it. i mean, my mom's pretty cool. we went to the used cd store together, and the big birthdaybbqfiesta ch & r had for ch's birthday. "there weren't very many girls there" was her comment on the bus ride home. i do think it's ok for ch & r to be gay, but me? whoah now!
13.7.04
nother hiatus
well, faithful readers, my mother comes tomorrow, so i don't think i'll be able to clandestinely blog while she's here. i can just see what trouble that would cause. she's getting married soon and her fiancee has a dislocated shoulder which will need surgery. i don't need to be adding to her stress.
g sent out a bulk email a few days ago. i was glad i'd been getting personal ones too. however, a day or two after that, i got a short goofy message from her sister rachel. it was in spanish, something like my big sister has a cat in her pants. she sent it to everyone who was on g's address list, i guess. i wrote back about it, and she wrote me back. it was odd, but kind of cute. perhaps a new friendship i can buld up, strengthing my ties even more with g?
g sent out a bulk email a few days ago. i was glad i'd been getting personal ones too. however, a day or two after that, i got a short goofy message from her sister rachel. it was in spanish, something like my big sister has a cat in her pants. she sent it to everyone who was on g's address list, i guess. i wrote back about it, and she wrote me back. it was odd, but kind of cute. perhaps a new friendship i can buld up, strengthing my ties even more with g?
10.7.04
added to the list
when michi wrote back, he said i should come out to people BEFORE i find a girlfriend, fall in love. he says he's so glad he did. there's something that makes it all seem more urgent these days. don't know what.
anyway, told ruth via email a few nights ago. got a response from her today- very positive and encouraging.
so. now all the pagans know. just the christians and the family left. oh goody.
anyway, told ruth via email a few nights ago. got a response from her today- very positive and encouraging.
so. now all the pagans know. just the christians and the family left. oh goody.
8.7.04
tattoo, etc.
beth and i talked about tattoos when i visited her, and it reminded me of the week before g left for the summer, last year. i was forced to go back to pa a week or two after she left for my grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary. so i was dreading that, but i decided to make myself as hip as possible to annoy them, and i wanted to enjoy the time i had with g. and i had alot of time with her, as she stayed with me for a few days after she left the dorms before she left for texas. we had a lovely time, reading out loud to each other, she sketched lizards on a stool for me, i patched her bluejeans, and she gave me a henna tattoo. (that's the connection, get it? aren't you glad you read this far?) then when she left, she left her army jacket on my coatrack! so all summer long, every cool night (well, all 3 of them) it was this terrible dillema- do i wear it cause it's cool and g's- or not, because i'm a pacifist and it's an army jacket for goodness sakes!
7.7.04
last june
i feel like i have three threads running through here- the history of g and i, the current things between us, and then my current thoughts on blogging and my everyday life.
i sent both michi and beth links the past few days, and both worried about privacy. and their fears are absolutely true- it must be something subconcious, that i really want other people to know... of course, i don't have enough friends, and they don't know enough of each other, for me to be too terrified. just worried... aparently not enough to stop typing!
i sent g an email about st. paul, and she promptly wrote back with movies she's seen in mexico that have reminded her of me. i'm used to her being in texas and distracted all summer, it's so much fun that she has time to reply this year. like she has a life of her own that goes on outside of mine, she doesn't just pop in and out from time to time...
i thought i'd get to more history by now, but things keep happening day to day to keep up with. and i thought when i got current on history i wouldn't have anything to write about until g got back to the us! but it will save, and i do write every other day or so.
i sent both michi and beth links the past few days, and both worried about privacy. and their fears are absolutely true- it must be something subconcious, that i really want other people to know... of course, i don't have enough friends, and they don't know enough of each other, for me to be too terrified. just worried... aparently not enough to stop typing!
i sent g an email about st. paul, and she promptly wrote back with movies she's seen in mexico that have reminded her of me. i'm used to her being in texas and distracted all summer, it's so much fun that she has time to reply this year. like she has a life of her own that goes on outside of mine, she doesn't just pop in and out from time to time...
i thought i'd get to more history by now, but things keep happening day to day to keep up with. and i thought when i got current on history i wouldn't have anything to write about until g got back to the us! but it will save, and i do write every other day or so.
5.7.04
weekend away
i've missed you all. was in st. paul for the weekend with my amazing friend beth, and was too busy to stop and sign online. she was very generous in listening to my stories of g, and so i didn't feel the burning need to blog.
st. paul was full of things i wanted to share with g. garrison kiellor's prarie home companion, painting flowers in the conservatory, even the way beth feels about the city. listened to the rasputina cd she made me on the greyhound there. and now i'm going to email her in mexico, and tell her this.
st. paul was full of things i wanted to share with g. garrison kiellor's prarie home companion, painting flowers in the conservatory, even the way beth feels about the city. listened to the rasputina cd she made me on the greyhound there. and now i'm going to email her in mexico, and tell her this.
1.7.04
taste of chicago
ch and i went to see melissa etheridge at taste of chicago tonight! sure makes me feel like a lesbian. i don't know very many of her songs, other than the radio hits from highschool and the albums ch keeps at work. still, it was fun, she is quite the crowd pleaser. and it's always nice when you find a song that you can sing in your own life. i, of course, am relating alot to "angels will fall" these days.
"So I'll come by and see you again
I'll be such a very good friend
Have mercy on my soul
I will never let you know
Where my mind has been
Angels never came down
There's no one here they want to hang around
But if they knew
If they knew you at all
Then one by one the angels
Angels would fall
I've crept into your temple
I have slept upon your pew
I've dreamed of the divinity
Inside and out of you
I want it more than truth
I can taste it on my breath
I would give my life just for a little death
So I'll come by and see you again
I'll be just a very good friend
I will not look upon your face
I will not touch upon your grace
Your ecclesiastic skin
I'll come by and see you again
I'll have to be a very good friend
If I whisper they will know
I'll just turn around and go
You will never know my sin"
as we were parting, i gave ch a big hug, and as he stood up (i'm short, you know) he petted my shoulder and said, "wait, what's this?" i was afraid he'd say sunburn, but he said, "is this ecclesiastic skin?"
i love this man.
anyway, i'm leaving for st. paul tomorrow. have to escape the caucophony of the southside of chicago for the 4th. but i'll be back soon, with more of the same. i love you, elusive reader.
"So I'll come by and see you again
I'll be such a very good friend
Have mercy on my soul
I will never let you know
Where my mind has been
Angels never came down
There's no one here they want to hang around
But if they knew
If they knew you at all
Then one by one the angels
Angels would fall
I've crept into your temple
I have slept upon your pew
I've dreamed of the divinity
Inside and out of you
I want it more than truth
I can taste it on my breath
I would give my life just for a little death
So I'll come by and see you again
I'll be just a very good friend
I will not look upon your face
I will not touch upon your grace
Your ecclesiastic skin
I'll come by and see you again
I'll have to be a very good friend
If I whisper they will know
I'll just turn around and go
You will never know my sin"
as we were parting, i gave ch a big hug, and as he stood up (i'm short, you know) he petted my shoulder and said, "wait, what's this?" i was afraid he'd say sunburn, but he said, "is this ecclesiastic skin?"
i love this man.
anyway, i'm leaving for st. paul tomorrow. have to escape the caucophony of the southside of chicago for the 4th. but i'll be back soon, with more of the same. i love you, elusive reader.
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