contemplative

my days are so boring, any excitement that happens has to be in my head. work is slow, slow, slow. this past week has been better than the rest of the week, but after lunch there seems to be nothing to do. ch had paperwork today, and so i couldnt' even sit in my chair and read old magazines (cause he was sitting in it to do his paperwork). so i was playing with the pens on the front counter, and he taught me how to take them apart and use the springs to send pieces flying everywhere. i amused myself for quite some time with this. i put all the pens back together eventually, and threw away the one that didn't work. he discovered the ring that screws between the top half and the bottom half of one of the pens, and was worried that it came from one of the pens i took apart- but i assured him it was from the one that was thrown away. so what does he do? (or perhaps a more appropriate retorical question would be, does a customer walk in? does the phone ring? no.) he gets a pair of clippers, snips a clip in the ring, and bends it onto his nose. so now he has a nosering too. it was so funny, i was like, i wish i had a camera phone. and he says, well i do. i tried to take a pic of him with it, but it didn't turn out well. so, he took a self portrait. upon seeing it, i told him he HAD to send it to me to post here, and i didn't think he would, but he did! here it is!


after work today i went to target to try and buy risk. they were all sold out, except for an attack of the clones verson. thank you but no. where does one by a boardgame? i wish i still lived in hyde park, i'd go to toys etcetera. so i came home, made spicy sweet potato coconut soup. it's a little too spicy for me- it called for a tablespoon of red curry paste, and i being dubious put in a heaping teaspoon, but that was still way too much. i hope it doesn't get worse by tomorrow. does anyone know if i can make it milder somehow? today's album in the kitchen was melissa etheridge's first one.

that's kinda how my contimplating goes. i'm reading a lesbian romance from the 70s right now, along with the nonfiction tome lesbian/woman first published in 1972. the world is so different then- its barely relateable to my experience. it makes me feel almost guilty for having such a hard time coming out, knowing that society is so much more open and accepting of different lifestyles. i'm sure if i was comming out then, i would just hide- i could be a happily married housefrau popping out babies. but i think i say this just cause i've never really been in love. it seems once that happens, one's sexuality is much harder to deny. still, i can't seem to walk into the gerber/hart library. i don't know what i'm embarrassed of- i don't really care what my fellow train riders think. maybe the librarian being unhelpful, giving me a degrading stare? i have planned exactly what i'm going to say;" hi, i'm caitlin, i just moved into the neighborhood, i'm starting to come out, i love libraries, and i am so excited to walk by you every day. i was wondering if you could tell me what sort of resources i have here?" and smile a charming smile.

but i continue to hurry past- i have dinner to cook, i checked these books out of the library- isn't that out enough for this week? the conversation in my head's just crazy. the librarians at the public library NEVER look at my books, except for occasionally in the children's library. sometimes it upsets me- i would love to surmise about people by the books they check out, i would totally talk over the ones i'd read... but they never do, yet somehow, i'm SURE they're going to, or at least look at the book, then look at me, then wiggle their eyebrows, the day i check the enormous lesbian/woman out. she didn't. of course.

i'm so confused- all i do is read. i go back and forth, thinking that though i feel this way in my head, no one else will believe me... or thinking that everyone's out to get me, they're going to see the way i slow down as i walk past the gerber/hart and tell hitler, senator mccarthy, and my grandmother. (stacy made me realize how much i talk about my grandma when i talk about my sexuality. i wonder what she'd think if she knew how involved she was?) i do need to go in one day, find out what my resources are. i still feel iike i'm the only one- everyone else comes out in high school, when the fall in love, after they're married and have lived a "normal" life... and i know that this is an annoying and cocky additude, thinking others struggles are better than mine. i just gotta find them. i wouldn't go back to being a teenager for ANYTHING, but it hurts a bit to see the age cutoffs for their groups so low. but then i have to remember, the idea is that they have somewhere to go besides bars, as they're underage. and i do go to bars, gay bars, lots of them. i just wish, i don't know. for a place for adult lesbians to go and play board games and figure themselves out.

i'll even contribute, but i'll have to bring vintage clue- target was sold out of risk.