yesterday's worthlessness

actually, i ended up riding my bike downtown. i was going to go to the library and ch's recomended produce store (which is too far to walk to) but once i was on clark i decided to keep going. clark street is such a nice tour of chicago neighborhoods- edgewater, andersonville, uptown, wrigleyville, belmont, lincoln park, gold coast, loop... other than the bus it was fun, though very urban riding on the northside. once i got into the loop there were a scary number of busses (happy rush hour!) i just moved over into the center of my lane and stuck my elbows out and pretended i was a minicooper- a very small, yet worthy vehicle due her alotted space! it's much farther from my new house- i think i rode 10mi. all together. 9 to columbia, then another 1 heading north waiting for it to be late enough for me to take my bike on the el (forbidden during rush hour). the lake isn't nearly as nice heading north as it is south... and the wind is so bad! i was too tired to deal with it at that point. there was a game going on- the trains were so packed i had to let 4 go by. i eventually got back home, but god, those back steps are steep. any sore muscles i have today are from lugging that bike up the steps yesterday.

and other events

the fabulous thing i didn't tell you about yesterday: i got a package from leah! it has a new nalgene for me, with bumperstickers of "girls do it better" and "read a fucking book." also, allegra, praise to the gods of sinuses, and PICTURES! i'll go to walgreens soon and get them digitalized for you.

also my dad called last night to thank me for the cookies, and discuss the mizerable aspects of my package: insurance and textbooks. he asked about the festival, and i said i learned to walk on stilts and somehow this deteriorated into him being convinced he can teach me to juggle. he teaches his special olympians how to juggle. i can't say learning things from him has been a pleasant experience in the past. but perhaps, well see, this holiday season.

don't even want to start thinking about this holiday season. grandma's been getting really passive agressive about me returning to the farm. i get back by lying to her. i can't lie, generally speaking, but i love making these bendable stories to tell my grandma what she wants to hear. "i went camping at a music festival in michigan with my friend leah. i met her at berkshire baptist youth group. i camped with 3 of her other friends from philadelphia. no, she's not a christian anymore. yes, i had a good time. i learned to walk on stilts."

z hates the holidays perhaps even more than i do (although with marty around, we're probably about equal). i made a joke with her that we'd just say fuck everyone else and have our own little vegetarian thanksgiving in north carolina. wouldn't that be nice if it was true?

blue roses

i forgot how busy it is to work mondays. a big order for a office that's moving today. so lots of work, but no cash in. ch and i were crazy till about 2, then there were no more orders to take, so we went slowly crazy. have i mentioned yet i'm all into sudoku? i've been picking up the stupid free red eye newspaper every morning to do it. i'm trying to get ch into them, but he's afraid of numbers. he picked up his red eye today too, and so he said we should have a competition. i beat the pants off him, finished, went to the bathroom, gave him a clue, and swept the floor before he finished.

but it was only his second one... and he finished, isn't that what's important? plus, he totally whooped me on the crossword puzzle. so if all those song lyrics don't keep the alzheimers away, our newspaper puzzles will.

we were really slow this afternoon. the driver was sad. i was sad. ch was sad. even the flowers were sad.

just kidding. i was happy, because i am still in love with erin mckeown! both ch and laura gently made fun of me for sending her cookies. but it was her last stop on her tour, she's going home now, and besides, my postcards from g just came. she has her art store set up. (i'd like to think this one was at least inspired by me, but i think that's a bit cocky.) ANYWAY, how could anyone with the new album not be tempted to send erin mckeown

i have birds in my heart? i mean, really, please. i didn't even have to send the cookies.

after work i went to the library and got a delightful selection of books. had to go to the grocery store, AGAIN. by that time it was too late to cook, so i just bought mozzarella and cherry tomatoes... they were on sale, ok? and now i have a three cheese basil and tomato salad in my fridge. life is good. that's one of my favourite things about laura. how she makes me see how good my life is. i'm never very impressed, but telling her about it makes me look like this amazing artistic creative domestic hippie diva. come on. who wouldn't want to be that?

in love

so i've got my list of the best concerts i've ever seen. there was david wilcox in the rain at the philly folk fest. there was over the rhine at the chamelion club, from the balcony when i was underage. there was amy rigby at schubas when she played till 2am. there was the indigo girls on the 4th of july at taste of chicago.

and now there's a new one for the list.

i was in a gnarly mood last night. it seemed so late to be going out, i'd gotten nothing done all day. ch was at danny's b-day party at mi tierra, and when i called he said, "you're going?! i thought you weren't allowed to spend money on anything other than food!" -shut up you're not being encouraging. "well, we're almost done here, danny's got his sombrero, we'll probably be gone in 10 minutes." - well it will take me about 20 to get there. even on the northside i'm not close enough.

so i was pouty on the train, but i called laura and she cheered me up. then as i was walking down belmont i peeked in the window of mi tierra and they were still there, so i stpped in to say hi to them for a few minutes- they were really drunk. a called while i was there, and i called her back for the rest of the walk down belmont. connections with 3 friends- made me feel social enough to go to a concert by myself.

when i got to the doors, learned it was $17. damn. better be worth it. and it was. oh it was.

didn't like the opener very much. she was from south dakota. her music was fine, a bit bluesy, twangy for me. her nose was pointy and she reminded me of my set designer, who is pushy, cocky, and talks too much. so the poor opener could have sung anything and i would have been prejudiced against her.

after a brief wait, erin comes out... she's just adorable. she's maybe 5 feet tall, in her sparkly belt and orange tshirt. she's got product in her hair and it's all twisted up- goofy looking at first, but as it falls throughout the concert, it falls in such an endearing floppy way. her electric guitar is bigger than she is. and oh, she's a rocker.

she had her andy-stochansky-of-a-drummer with her, and it was that great sound when just two people make an entire rock band. he played drums and sung back up. she sang, played rhythm guitar, lead guitar, and bass, all at the same time. sometimes ch and i talk about musicians who just stand and sing and dont know what do do with their arms ("just give her a guitar necklace, just to entertain her!") then there are the mucisitans who focus so much on their playing, they get really into it. but erin's guitar is like an extention of her body. playing it is like anything else she does- walking, eating... just effortless. i remember in color guard, that's how you could tell those who were really good from those just learning. the so so ones manipulated their poles to make them do the right thing. the really good ones' poles were an extention of their body. they didn't have to look. they just were their flags. erin IS her guitar.

she's so small, she reminded me of a high schooler with a band in her garage. she has all her rock star moves- she pounds her fist in the air, she plays on her knees, she goes out past the lights for the solo on the apron. i hope we were a good rock crowd for her. i didn't think we were dancing or singing nearly enough. i was singing. i'm so glad i bought her new album. she played just about every track from it- i think every one but the one i wanted to hear, we are more. she played 2 brand new ones, and 5 the crowd knew and loved. i wish i knew and loved them, too. i am so charmed.

i was all alone, and had no one to say goodbye to, and since i was standing right out front, i left via the stage door. there were erin and neil loading up the van. i said, "thanks so much! it was fabulous!" and she gave me a generic harried smile and said "you're welcome" i was so glad i wasn't drunk and babbling.

she is fabulous. i am so crushing. i want to follow her to the ends of the earth, french braid her hair on the tour bus, tune her guitar and buy her beers.

and i can't even buy her albums, because i already spent $17 frivolous dollars that i don't have.

and i've just spent the last THREE HOURS finding free downloads of mp3s. how sick is that?
not that i can figure out how to save them. what's the deal with appearing 0:00 on itunes? that shit don't work for me.

i think i'm gonna send her cookies.

laura's fabulous hair

can't you just tell by this picture that she is cute and smart and funny?

nothingness

my life is just nothingness. i've finally disovered the time sucker: the cd spin doctor software. so at the end of the day, what do i have to show for myself? 2 meals eaten, a read newspaper. dish drainer emptied, radish drawing finished, studio tidied, thread and sewing machine accessories organized. LONG conversation with laura. eventually we'll know everything about each other and we'll just have to stop talking to each other. nah. we'll just keep telling the same stories over when we get to that point.

so that sounds like i've done something today, right? so i'm allowed to go to hear erin mckeown at schubas tonight, right? even though i'm only allowed to spend money at the grocery store and post office until my credit card debt is paid off, i can make an exception for her, right?

meme round up

february music meme

march bookmeme

hair wannabe meme

if i could be meme

second book meme

history/ faves meme

new year's meme

friday night exhaustion

so very tired. i should go stop going out for margaritas after work with ch. especially sad, as when i passed the gerber hart library today, i saw that cinema lesbiana was playing tonight- the children's hour, which as you may recall, i wrote a paper about last winter. but it started at 7.30, which gave me about 5 min. to eat dinner. i was too tired to do something new and slightly scary, so now instead i'm in my messy house feeling sorry for myself. mom was texting me from the philadelphia folk festival, but then she went contra dancing. but i've had more than my fair share of connecting with people this week, and so i'm not allowed to complain!

yesterday, well, it was just fabulous. what to wear when i see g? always the question. i settled on my black sandals, black vinyl pants, ditc black tanktop, dangly star earings and dad's ratty old bandana. i felt hot, in a very goth, protected sort of way. i definately wanted some sort of armor, going to hyde park. it was SO WEIRD to get back on the #6. it felt so normal, like i've been doing it every day for the past 2 months. i got their really early, in just a bit more than an hour. so i went back to cornell towers. i wanted to find out about my security deposit... and they had a check for me! SCORE! i talked to denise a few minutes, and she said there were 3 people left living in the building. creepy! she said i should go up to the third floor, and see what they've done. so i did, and all the walls to the east of the elevators had been torn down. the stairs looked right out onto the windows of the front 4 apartments. i wasn't sure if it was a good idea or not, but i kept climbing and went up to 8. actually, my apartment looked alot like it had after the fire, with the baseboards all pulled up and the carpet rolled up in the middle. but the kitchen cupboards i'd painted purple were all torn up. my blue and green windowsills were still untouched. the bathroom... the sink was broken off the wall, and the bathtub was smashed into 4 huge pieces. in the closet there was more rubble, and hanging from the light was the ceramic flower i'd used as a light pull. i took it with me this time. so strange to see my ex home in such disrepair. broken krab, other trash, was still there.

met with g and we went shopping down 53rd. made me really nostalgic. i miss 53rd so much. the ethiopian phone card places just can't compare. we went to the lovely health food store, toys et cetera, hyde park records, the co-op, and finally, the produce market. there MUST be a place like this on the north side, near a train, within biking distance, something. sigh.

we went back to her sublet, which is right on woodlawn, in the heart of quintessential hydeparkness, and we up to the 4th floor to her quintessential hyde park apartment: a huge rambling 4 bedrooms or something in decrepid condition. we cooked with the random utensils the renters had left behind. i was so glad i'd suggested chocolate pudding for desert- we got 2 spoons and ate it right out of the pot. then, g waxed my hair, for what may be the last time. i read stories from francesca lia block's rose and beast to her. it doesn't get more delightful than this, folks. on the train home i ripped an enormous hole in the thigh of my vinyl pants. they REALLY weren't worth even the $5 i spent.

talked to both jen and laura on the way home. felt all loved and super connected. wednesday night i'd stayed up SUPER late baking cookies (and chatting to laura and leah on the phone) so that's why i'd gotten such a late start yesterday... and then that's why i felt compelled to stay up so late preparing the packages. i have noticed the lack of comments recently. so since you haven't said you wanted one, you're not getting one. it's not too late, though. there's still plenty of cookies in the middle of my table. you just have to ask, and they will arrive in your mailbox! i made chocolate chip butter, and lemon gingersnap.

so now i'm just sitting in front of my computer wasting time. turning cassettes into mp3s, uploading photos. you can click here for pictures from the beach

commute drama

i'm going south to visit g tomorrow- my first time in hyde park since i moved out the begining of july. i'm excited to see the lake again- i adore my new commute, but i do miss seeing the lake every morning. so ch left work early again today. i was left with the task of new customer letters. the type says, "thanks for ordering with rosexpressions! we hope you had a great

with our shop." within the big blank space, i have to take our little alphabet rubber stamps and stamp in F-L-O-R-A-L E-X-P-E-R-I-E-N-C-E with curlicues at the end. the first 5 times, this is fun. the next 29, not so much. was going crazy, but finally got out of there, and called laura on my way home. was merrily chatting along when the conductor came on. said the train in front of us was on fire, and we were stopping at lawrence. ok, i said. i got off, walked to broadway and waited for awhile. but no bus was forthcoming, so i decided to hoof it- it's only 2 miles. laura says i'm crazy. there was a jewel about 5 blocks into my walk, so i stopped for butter- now i can make cookies for ya'll. (wondering if you're on the carepackage list? you're not! email or leave a comment if you want some- i'm very generous!) laura's moving, and so had to pack. so i was racing the bus, traffic was so bad, and at hollywood caught it. good thing, too: broadway was closed there, and the 36 turned on sheridan. so i got to see the lake today!

but all ended well. now i'm home, and hungry. gotta cook those radishes. and bake the cookies!

same old life

i'm broke again. really broke. that grand tax return? after moving, going to CO, the beach and michigan womyns music festival, well, there's nothing left. there was nothing left months ago. i hate begging for money. i wish i wasn't a student anymore and could get a real job.

at my current job, the balloon shipment came in today. ch decided we need to clean the balloon rack before we hang the new balloons. so i've been scraping tape off them with a razor blade, while he rubs the gummy stuff off with goo gone. ah, the glamor of a flowershop in the summertime. saw so many people carrying their glads home from the farmer's markets. bastards.

left my phone home to charge today. it always makes me feel naked. i love my cell phone and how it connects me to everyone. i miss laura. it's been almost 24 hrs.

i still have to eat dinner. i was going to cook my radishes today, but i'm not done painting them yet.

how to charm me

laura writes:

"I think that the whole "getting to know a new friend" process is highly overrated. I just want to know everything all at once so we can proceed to the actual friendship. "

i want you all to think she is as fabulous as i do.

goddamn right, it's a beautiful day

well, when i got into work this morning joe was there, looking confused. ch told me i wasn't supposed to start working mondays until next week. oops! since i was up and downtown i decided to make the most of it, rather than wait till tomorrow for my day off. so i went to columbia and got my fafsa. they said i'm probably too late for a map grant, but hopefully i'll still be able to get loans and shit. so that wasn't quite as much of a nightmare. it was a beautiful day to be downtown, so i decided to walk to the art institute.

i started to walk down wabash, but it seemed dark lonely and introspective under the el tracks. so i went up michigan ave instead. i stopped at the raindog cafe, and agonized over overpriced used books. i almost bought tale of two cities, but dickens seemed so long winded, i didn't feel quite up to it. tom wolfe was apealing in a tangerine colored way, but i didn't feel ready- both that and zen and the art of motorcycle maintainance seemed very masculine and looking for me to care. i ended up getting sir gawain and the green knight, which asks for no emotional committment, reads fast, is skinny, and makes me look academic and inteligent (the author is a contemporary of chauncer!) when really, i'm just reading fairy tales. my iced chai, cranberry scone, sir gawain and i sat on the side walk, basking in the sunshine, and texting laura. we planned a beautiful day- photographs in milennium park, the art institute, lunch at su vans, shopping at waxmans, a disco nap at my place, then dressing up and going out to big chicks. it was really ideal. afterwards i popped in savvy traveler, but picked up a book on cycling in germany, and there was this photo of a street in munster that was so tut bisch deutschland, i started to cry with longing. i put it down, left, and focused on the task at hand.

i didn't have enough money to go to the big fancy toulouse-lautrec exhibit, but i always have fun on my pocket change general admission. to go along with t-l, i guess, the main photography exhibit was on paris it was fun comparing the 19th c ones with the 20th c ones, and there was a man ray and a lee miller. i gotta find more of her work! but sadly, only 4 of the room were surrealistic... but the best ones were in a side exhibit, called "camera obscura." this is such a lame example. this guy makes hotel rooms with great views into camera obscuras by blocking all but a small dot of a lens in the windows. then he takes photos of the resulting image. so there will be, say, this hotel room in paris, a bed with a poster of the eiffel tower above it- and projected all over it is the real eiffel tower, upside down. i LOVED them, but as i was leaving, a mother and her little boy walked in. i heard her say, "i don't like the upside down ones" in that "i don't understand modern art" tone. i wanted to take the kid and say, "look, this is how it works- he's turning his room INTO a camera, isn't that cool? this is what the camera sees-what it's like to be inside a camera. he didn't turn it upside down to be cool, that's how nature made it. isn't that awesome?"

the children's museum is also downstairs, and they were having an exhibition of caldicott illustrations. it was almost as cool as the gallery at celestiall seasonings. it reminded me of g, of course, and her work. (more of that here) filled me with longing- i want to be able to do that. some amazing watercolors- it's so, so small. there was this beautiful one, a gentle story of a cat and dog, i wish i could remember their names, so i could put in a link. they were so soft and fuzzy, brush strokes to small to see. and originals of olivia were there- the only one i recognized. another fabulous one was the three little pigs: i was all sucked in. and i haven't even gone upstairs to the galleries yet!

so the grand staircase goes 2 different directions- usally with company i go to 19th and 20th century art, with the famous rainy day paris street. but i was just there, it seems, with leah, so since i was alone i went towards el greco instead and worked backwards through time to the 10th c or so. i love how the timeline just ENDS. you're wondering what comes before all this gold guilding (is the earliest image i think they have online)... and you're spit out in the middle of monet. after that, i headed over to surrealism to see if i could get leah's beloved joseph cornell boxes. i'm getting better at the suspention of understanding, but i gotta say, it would be easier for me if they were brighter colored.

i went straight downstairs then, and much to my surprise found sculptures from my favourite missing gallery! they've turned the east asia gallery into the t-l gift shop, and so i didn't know where to find my favourite indian works. but there were east indian religious sculptures at the bottom of the staircase- buddahs and dancing shiva and my personal favourite, ganisha. he's the god of auspicious beginnings. and a ps to a: the hand signs that the gods make are called "mudras," so if you want to learn what they mean you can probably look them up from that.

i left feeling alive and the need to create. once i got off at granville, i decided to explore the neighborhood east of my place. i found left of center bookstore, and a cute coffee shop- good to know for visitors. then of course comes the lake. i walked under the el tracks at rosemont and it made me sad for hyde park- there the viaducts are covered in crumbling murals, and this was just so very white. it hurts my soul- as i was just telling laura, part of my mission statement in life is to infuse the world with color.

and i don't thing typing a blog has quite filled the creativeness i need to expel. so if you will excuse me, i'm going to go make a pastel drawing of the radishes in my fridge.

quick random thoughts

i've done nothing all day yesterday, and today's shaping up to be the same. i ate an intire bag of chocolate and read 2 books yesterday. i didn't leave the house. however, i did tidy under my desk, which was getting very volitile, and i learned how to use my spin doctor software. so i'm converting my cassettes to mp3s. how cool is that? i also took a shower and washed my hair- with dreadlocks, don't i get some point for that? just cause i didn't get moving until 4pm, well, it's saturday. who can blame me?

well, i guess i can.

so anyway, does someone want to tell me how this RSS thing works? cause i can't figure it out, and everyone seems to think it's SOOO useful.

that's enough for me. i'm going to start scrapbooking 2004 and text messaging laura.

top 15 best text messages saved on my phone

it's been a long time since i've added a numbered list to the sidebar. this one is inspired by laura (who's now apparently a reader: hi laura!) who's been stalking, i mean, text messaging me constantly. i adore it- i feel so connected. it's not like wasting hours talking on the phone, or feeling like i only spent 5 min. of my day talking to someone. esp. as a's not in a phone phase right now, it's good to be communicating with someone. anyway, she's filling up my phone memory, so i have to keep deleting. but the following will never be deleted:

#15. mom: it's ok. i hope gramma can't see me texting...i must feel a little guilty and an transferring to gramma.

#14a. ch: you are demoted to vp of floral diversions. ps. i tried on leather pants last night!
b. there was a lot of squeeking and rearranging of my internal organs- it was sexy!

#13a. leah:on the plane. a+ on navigation. hope your day is smooth & thank u again 4 a fantastic twenty hours (send same 2 charles please)
b. landed in the motor city safe and sound
c. i lost my voice!
d. lancing is fun but chicago was better. i had sutch a great time. and i am almost recovered. can u send me your blog name?

#12. laura: see i imagine your life is VERY interesting... i mean you have a pink cowgirl hat...

#11. a: this was a garden variety depression born of boredom and lonliness and a pervasive sense of the immense trivialty of life.

#10 a: smooth drive home. call about stopping for boots. have fun in the sun. hydrate well. hello and thanks to all. ps. clock ticks slightly.

#9. ch: SGM seeks non-scene, non-camp, non-crying cat for possible LTR...

#8. laura: this is true...Leah was in bad shape... what do you do to girls in chicago?

#7. ch: fern bar light/ free peanut reservoir / another salty talk by phone/ everything disassembled / bone by freaking bone.

#6. a: sober? drunk? in? out?

#5. ch: is that his natural hair color when he's sober?

#4. ch: "i'm sorry you sprayed for nothing"

#3. laura: oh do not worry... the fruit bra is safe!

#2. ch: hope you have a dental dam!

and the number 1 text message saved on my phone...

#1. a: should i tell him i fucked someone else last night when i break up with him later today?

newsblog

so i've been trying to catch up with my newspapers. i'm always wanting to talk about things i read with people, but so rarely remember. i cut out articles yesterday, though, in hopes of remembering how i felt about them. and i have, for 2 of three. in elderly women knit, crochet for abused kids i thought of the classic getting to know you question, would you rather be blind or deaf? it doesn't matter much to me, i think i could learn to live with either. but to not be able to use my hands? what kind of life is that? if i couldn't walk, well, i'd learn to manage, i could learn sign language and get around with a white cane. but to not be able to knit, cook, arrange flowers, turn the pages of books... i'm just too independent. i couldn't bear being so trapped. in computer applications we learned about input and output devices. to be connected to the internet, have a keyboard, mouse, joystick, but to have no printer or diskdrives... i don't think i'd be able to bear seeing and hearing and everything and only being able to blink or talk about it. but who knows- maybe my drive to live is stronger than i think.

article number two is forget the mush: she's got a crush on her which is about the now popular "girlcrush". i feel so strongly about this, but what the specific emotions are, i'm not sure. first i think i'm glad someone is writing about what really happens, how women relate to each other and form deep friendships. but i'm angry at the inherent sexism it shows. i'm even more angry with the way it only mentions friendships as a result. sure love and lust come from different parts of the brain, and i'm often contimplating those feeling for the same people. but homosexual relationships are only mentioned as a fear that kept women from admitting girl crushes in the 60s and 70s. i finally end with feeling, maybe i'm wrong. they say that there is so much difference between romantic love and sexual love, and all these straight girls seem to know the difference, maybe i'm wrong, and i just have these girl crushes, and i'll grow out of them and into my feelings, and i'll meet the right boy, and although i'll still bond with my sisters in michigan, i will come back home to my happy family that pleases grandma so much.

funk free friday

i was so glad to be home this weekend, without my play looming quite so heavily, i didn't even think about it being friday night and the horrors that occasionally befall me on such nights. but even without my worrying i was given fabulous evening plans!
jack had a business trip this week, so he was too tired to go out with ch. i was telling ch about my netflix and... well, i'll just tell you how it all ended up.

after work we went upstairs to the restaurant level and had margaritas. then we went to our respective homes, i cleaned up and hee walked the dog. then he came over with his portabello mushrooms, and we made millet-polenta triangles with sauteed portabellos and roasted red pepper and garllic sauce. and nice weedy salads. ch fried the triangles for me (him being more experienced in such things) and so i set up the card table by the balcony. i sat in the wicker chair, he sat on my new orange footstool. it was SO charming. the balcony breeze, candles dripping everywhere, the glow of the xmas lights, the mirrored french doors reflecting it all- i love my new appartment. i think if it was less cool it would be eaiser for me to feel at home here. and the food was of course fabulous. then, after dinner, we watched tales of the city disk 2. he helped me wind more yarn from a skein to a ball (i'm one ball into my sweater, now!) and we ate dove mint chocolate ice cream. can we say lovely?

we are mona and mouse, in a 2005, chicago sort of way.

if you don't like bodily fluids in a blog, skip this entry

i've been living my life in running monologue again. i don't have enough time to sit down and blog, so i just collect the things all around me, and make up blog entries. i'm looking for a good transition here into my story, and it seems there's not one. so i'm masturbating last night, and there's something IN there, something that doesn't belong. it's moving around, and so i fish it out, and it's this rock, hard and black and sticky. i'm totally freaked out and grossed out and scared, but i realize: it's plastic wrap- i must thave put in a tampon without taking the plastic off the top half first. i was so glad to have hard things i'm digging out from inside my body identified, but still, it took me a while to stop obessing. i went on and on last night, i had an entry pages long, and i was so obsessed i feel compelled to try and write it up today. but really, it's a pretty lame story now. i may just save this as a draft and never post it.

umbrellas

it rained today on my way to the production meeting so i stopped at walgreens to buy an umbrella. they only had black ones and i refuse to buy a black umbrella so i mustered on. at jewel i tried again, and they had 2 i adored. i didn't get the tiny lightweight purple one. i got the pink one with magenta and orange flowers and the squishy ball handle. you know what i look for in an umbrella.

i am terrible at loosing umbrellas and sunglasses. i keep them for years. i have to be very careful making sure that i get ones that i really like, or else i'm stuck with them forever. i bought my current pair of sunglasses in 1999 at the dollar store. finally last year i bought a second pair cause i was so tired of them.

now, people like my mother should only have one cheap umbrella because they have to keep buying them over and over again. for my lifestyle, i am a firm beliver in three umbrellas. i have my good umbrella, which i got as a gift in 2001. it's long, covers the shoulders without knocking people off the sidewalk, hooked wooden handle, art reproduction- cezzane, i think. an excellent high quality umbrella garunteed to keep you dry all day. but not as goofy as a poncho or a raincoat.

second umbrella i keep at work. also a long (not a folding) umbrella with a wooden handle. i am very vehement about folding umbrellas in chicago. they are a BAD idea. it's just too windy. they turn inside out. they're more trouble than they're worth, i just get wet. so this umbrella is a bastion of my childhood, bought in, oh, 1993 or something. i know it was from before my parents got divorced. i love being prepared when it starts to rain midday.

and the third, which i've been missing ever since the umbrella i bought in germany 2002 broke in strong winds, is the disposable umbrella. something brightly patterned that fits in your bag. for when you think it might rain, but don't want to lug around and be embarrased by a big umbrella all day if it doesn't. something that's good to travel with. something to keep the water off your glasses. i don't ask for much from this umbrella. just please, no black. rainy days are dismal enough.


i know, i know, ya'll wanna hear about the marajuana. i'll get to it. it's really not that exciting. i've had an emotionally draining day, i need a break, ok? the meeting is over, it was fine, i survived, i'll get back to real life and blogging soon. for now i'm just gong to ignore my list, eat chocolate and finish lesbian /woman.

finally something encouraging

my mom called, and she finally had a good piece of advice- call pam. so i did, and it was so nice to talk to her. the more difficult i find it to talk to jen, the easier it is to talk to pam. and she was so encouraging. she knows frances, she knows what my portfolio looks like, and she's got a KILLER portfolio- really superb drawing skills. and so i drew while talking on the phone, and i got 5 drawings done. so i painted one, and it looks nice. i like to paint so much better than draw. i'm happy with my new medium of choice- watercolor backrounds and colored pencil details. it was the first time i'd painted in the new house, but stuff fits the same on the table, the record player still needs to be tapped every once in awhile. i made my dragonfruit chakra tea, for creativity, and was looking for something suitably munchie. i had a baguette, so i broke out the nutella meike's oma and opa gave me for xmas. it was good and chocolately, and then the hazelnut hit me with a huge wave of nostalgia and i was in bergit's kitchen and i was there in another place and time and i was lonely. but it's just nutella, they have it in america too. it reminded me of a quote from a, complementing a letter i'd written to her about 5 years ago, she said you make me forget about the opened jar of nutella on my kitchen table.
but i have 5 drawings and a rendering. look at me. it's done and i'm still procrastinating.

so fucking much

there's so fucking much i'm thinking about, and i want to share it with you all, but i can't. i have to draw. i'm a wreck from this play- it's just like it always is, i hate it, i don't know how to fix it. i hate doing it so much- actually, the actual doing it isn't horrible, it's starting to do it, and then presenting the final product i dispise. and i just procrastinate and procrastinate, and i don't do it, i just worry more, and it's a mess. i've been taking my larch, hornbeam, white chestnut, but i'm still not moving. finally did my costume plot at 10 last night, then left work at 3 today to go swatching. went to vogue in evanston, amazing and close to me, and handcock but didn't find anything. i'm pretty confident about my swatches. so i've caught up what i was supposed to have done for the last meeting. now i just need to draw the fucking costumes, transfer them to watercolor paper, and paint them. the meeting's at 1 tomorrow. 17 1/2 hrs. from now.
my life is selfimposed mental hell. i will never survive the hours between now and 3 tomorrow.
i want to tell you all about lyon/ martin's lesbian / woman. i want to tell you about my thoughts on the michigan womyn's music festival and the history of lesbianism as i've learned through this tome.
i wanna tell you about how delightful it is laura is stalking me via text message and email.
i wanna tell you about the sweater i'm knitting.

i need to unpack, clean the fridge, go to the library, figure out how the FUCK i'm going to pay for my last year of school (hint: it won't be involving financial aid, someone never filled out a fafsa) pay al my bills, and do a shitload of laundry.

somebody kill me now.

the third post about wasting time

why do i blog?

not because i have anything interesting to say, because i need any sort of release, because i think anyone is interested in my thoughts or life.

just so i have something else to do when it's time to start working.

why can't i procrastitate these damn drawings by unpacking my camping shit? by making dinner? huh? huh? what is WRONG with me?

got my charge card bills- $1100. happy moving expenses. got my paycheck- $179. won't be getting one next pay period. happy vacation.

production meeting thursday at 1. i'm supposed to have everything ready. i've done nothing. not even what i was supposed to do for the last meeting. my god. would they just fire me now? i need a vacation! oh wait. i already tried that.

facial hair, pot, and lansing girls

a's got it right. i am FINALLY home. it's been ages and ages since i blogged. i don't know how i'm going to rein in this entry, make it complete and understandable. i continue to suck at analog blogging- too much to do on vacation. i guess i should tell it all chronoglogically.

my ride showed up with pink flamingos on the top of her car. probably the most fabulous thing about her. she wasn't scary or dangerous or really wierd, but she also wasn't charming or interesting or cute, either. she really overestimated our time- when we got to hart, MI at 4.30AM we pulled into the mobil parking lot to nap till we were alowed to get in line.
not everyone follwed the 7AM rule- we were 10 min early and we weren't in the first 200 cars. we'd been waiting for maybe 10 min when i heard leah outside! i hopped out of the car and hugged her and rachel. i continued with them on their walk to count cars. when we got back to the flamingos my ride didn't seem to be having any fun, so i went on to their cars, where their girlfriends (dana and erin respectively) were sleeping. they wanted to find their friends from lansing, MI, so we continued walking...the lansing girls' car was in the 400s. Lots of people at this festival. 6,000 some, actually.

the lansing girls are who leah went to visit after she came to visit me. when i met laura, i remembered leah worrying about how cuddly laura is. laura's friends were heather and another laura. we all went back to leah and rachel's car and woke up erin and dana and the 8 of us hung out on the bumper. they said, this is what life is like at our campsite, only with alchohol and beer. it was a long wait, but i was glad to get to know my fellow campers better. the lansing girls were a a bit tiring, and i was glad that they'd just be hanging out with us, not actually camping at our place. but it ended up as the week went on, i really appriciated having single friends who weren't caught up in the drama of leah and dana, rachel and erin (heretofore labled "philly dykes") and having this group, these SEVEN people to hang out with, was pretty fabulous. at 1 the gates opened and i found my ride, and we inched up the road for 2 hours, unloaded the car, and said goodbye for the week. i did orientation, signed up for my workshifts, and then there were the philly dykes, ready to haul our stuff onto the tractor, and be driven onto The Land.

they got the space they like the best, where they've camped the past few years. we set up our 3 tents, the living room tarp, all our chairs, the hammock, clothesline and banners (the "philly dykes on a move" and "Fucking Insane S(omething) Totallyhotmamas") to make some pretty posh camping.

gosh, i need to condense. i'll make lists for awhile.

new things:
i learned how to walk on stilts
women with facial hair
the majority of women being gay
gendered language (not saying, "you guys," reading womyn and saying "herstory")
i smoked pot
eating dinner with 6 clothed people and one naked one
lots of music: alix olsen, bitch,
pamela means, ember swift, the butchies...

things that made me uncomfortable or sad or confused or lonely:
going to the christian workshops
complicated relationships: leah and dana breaking up, dana and erin being together, growing relationship between heather and leah
my stuff getting wet in my tent after the rain
walking around after dark with my very weak flashlight
being very cold (or wet, or hot)
knowing nothing about flirting, sex, or relationships

things that made me comfortable or happy or excited:
just leaving my bag lying around, my dishes hanging by the kitchen, etc.
hanging out in a large group (look at me and my 7 friends!)

vegetarian food prepared for me
seeing leah

having her friends like me
singing along with the indigo girls at the top of our lungs in a big heap at nightstage
cuddiing with laura

walking on stilts in the parade
dancing with the lansing girls the last night

things i bought:
lots of fudgecicles
a tiedyed dress
3 cds- the new pamela means, erin mckeown and amy ray
fest shirts (have you seen their great logo?)
a d.i.t.c. tanktop (dykes in the city, doncha know. it makes me sing "dykes in the city look prettty to me, dykes in the city look fine. music comes spilling out into the street, colors go waltzing in time..")

i think that's a pretty complete picture. i don't think i took any actual photos, but i have lots of those life postcards to send back in time.


for the moment i first saw the "and it was my rebirth" on leah's sketchbook, i'd like to send the postcard of us on the tarp at the indigo girls. i told them all afterwards, what i miss most about church is getting together with all my friends and singing my favourite songs together. and this was the same feeling, it was fabulous, it was spiritual.

to me all by myself at the philadelphia folk fest when mom was working in the annex: the postcard of our fabulous campsite with a bunch of us hanging around talking and drinking.

to me in michael's apartment, turning down the joint- the postcard of us on the top of the hill, passing the lovely blown glass boll, someone lighting it for diffencient me (i can't work cars or lighters. so sue me.) i feel like a christian talking about sex, but i'm glad i waited, cause i wanted it to be someting really special.

to me in the train sitting 6 inches away from a: the torchlit postcard of laura and me cuddling at closing cermonies. how happy i am to find someone to fill the cuddling shaped hole in my heart.

me selling ice cream bars on my workshift, drinking woopwoop wine from the bottle, letting a stranger take a picture of my lepard print boots. being a socialist and sharing my nalgene.

these all should be sent back. leah's sending her pictures out on disk, so hopefully i'll get a copy of the one with me walking on stilts in the parade. but no one else but me has the movie of walking 3 feet above the admiring throngs, turning the corner and picking faces out of the crowd, smiling and waving to me, erin on the right and leah on the left, crouching behind their slrs- i feel it was perhaps my 15 min. of fame.

beach pics

here they are! not mine, of course, but amy z's.

dad putting suntan lotion on me


cowgirl on the beach


dad and i playing waveball


reading on the beach


dad, me, and my great uncle billy

beach report

i'm feeling stressed on time- less than 24 hrs. left in chicago. i still have to unpack, repack, and sleep. my goodness!
the beach was great. i did a terrible job of analog blogging. it's really pitiful. most of my musings were on family or body image. all that trimming i did before i left made no noticable difference. i was very uncomfortable with my upper inner thighs, but walking down the beach i had a bit of a revalation. i'm used to hanging out with my cousins sarah louise and celeste (aka partyinabox) who at 21, 18, and 14 are all perfect brown bodies with interchangable skimpy bikinis. but i started to see that everyone else on the beach had a body flaw or 2 they were flaunting- just because they didn't have perfect bodies didn't mean they couldn't wear bikinis on the beach. that made me feel better, but still i usally kept a skirt or a towel around my waist. louise kept talking about this chick with her buns falling out of her suit ("geez, lady, just buy a bigger size! you're not fooling anyone!") and it made me paranoid that the people on the next blanket were talking about me.

i'm confident in my own circle, and that is comfortably huge there. aunt ellen (also part of partyinabox) says we were over her 50 person estimate. it's so fun to be hanging out together.

we'd have an island of 8-10 umbrellas in the sand. there'd be 10-20 of us in the water at any given time- more than that this week, as the ocean calmed down after monday and got stiller and stiller until yesterday it was bay quality waves- prety boring, if you ask me, but it got those that married in or whatever into the water.

dad was telling stories of taking z and i into the ocean our first years at the beach, and uncle craig (father of partyinabox) said, "sure, you gotta take them in their first year, otherwise they'll be afraid of the ocean." i wonder if it's true. i mean, i was always a fearful child, and i was taught to respect the ocean (it doesn't care, it's not kind, it's blugeoned your sailors, it's spat out their keepsakes). when a. suggested nightswimming last year i thought she was crazy- i was hoping it was just cause she was drunk she'd consider something so stupid. i would never go in the atlantic after dark without guards intoxicated. on the other hand, there are all these chicks who are TERRIFIED of waves. i don't get it. it's salt water- even i will float over them. or you dive under them. if it's really wild or you make a poor judgement choice, you may get rolled... a little sandburn, a lot of water up your nose, some lost dignity- this doesn't strike terror in my heart. i feel a bit distainful of them. i guess when i'm feeling self concious in my suit it's good to feel brave and and good at something.

i caught very few things thrown at me, but most of them i was able to chase down.

the vegan anarchist second cousin twice removed was there with her boyfriend.

it's so fabulous to have someone in my family know me and love me. we rarely talk when we're apart, but we don't need to, cause we're bestest friends when we're together, and we know that will happen at christmas and the beach. they rode their bikes to the beach everyday, and i was jelous of how close they lived to rodney street and the freedom the bikes allowed them. but then, i know how to walk under the underpass, and i learned that route 1 isn't that hard to cross at the light. and so my dad's geography didn't separate me as much as it had last year, though my awareness of not exactly a curfew, but sharing a small cottage with early risers kinda cramped my style. was getting a bit stiffled by friday, but the zrews offered to take me shopping. (they get the cottage next to us. they're not really related- they are the vegan anarchist's father's ex-wife's sister's family- but they come anyway.) i borrowed dad's bike and we rode down rehoboth ave shopping. then when i got sick of wasting my precious day, i left them and rode to the beach. oh wonderful feeling of freedom! to be on such a nice bike, at the beach, alone! i was moving, connected, independent, alive. the ride was oh too short- there is no reason for us to drive everyday. but as soon as i got there i had to hand the key over to dad- he immediately put it on the top of his car, he says the salt air is terrible for his brakes.

so sarah turned 21, but the vegan anarchist (who, incidentally, is going to mexico soon to study and so is eating cheese) and i never made it to the double L with her, or alone for that matter. i'm still not really comfortable drinking with my dad, so though i got mike's hard lemonade and drank all margaritas offered, i didn't ever drink even enough to feel it. not liking beer helps. also fear of dehydration- i would never drink on the beach. i don't care if you do, but i think it's something like tanning- cool, but i can't make it work for my body. gatorade for me!

anyway, i wanted to come out to sarah and or louise, but the opertunity never presented itself. there is lots we didn't get to do: kayaking, building a sand castle or sculpture, playing risk or 5 crowns. but all in all, i'm happy with the trip. there is more to type, i'm sure, but i don't think i'll have time. i need to go meet ch to pick up the vases from the wedding at midnight. it's the least i can do for him, poor thing. but god do i need to get working on packing and unpacking!