graduationy thoughts

went to work today- so tired. the typical monday morning. nothing really exciting there, although i did get to put together my thoughts on the weekend. i thought alot about comparing the end of college to the end of high school. i was so bitter at the end of high school, even though i wasn't really a high school student (the whole unschooling thing, remember? i only went to school for math and choir.) i remember thinking it was such a farce. they treated us like shit all those years, then the last week they act like it was this magnificent place full of people who you love. yeah right. all of it is lies- it's a hellhole full of people who are only being kind to you cause they're escaping the same thing you are. it doesn't mean anything.

i was afraid i'd have the same feeling in college, but i really haven't. i haven't been good about participating in school activities, but i really feel close to the people in my classes, and i'm going to be friends with them after graduation. it was so nice we were allowed to graduate with our friends- as long as we were in our major, they didn't care what order we were in. i'm really happy i'll remember the ceremony as giving running commentary with christopher and josh the lighting designer.

i'm uploading spectacle pictures after i'm done typing this, you'll see how cool it was. it made me glad to go to an art school. and there i am, in the list of names, under bachelor of FINE arts. beautiful. but back to high school lies, and how college is different, i didn't feel like i was pandering to the man or whatever for the manifest festival, etc, because this is what real life is for me. i go to street festivals, art shows, create with friends. i'd been so mopey friday about doing so little manifesty things, but then when they played the video montage at graduation, i realized i'd seen almost all of it- the master's of interdiciplinary arts (that was jill's exhibit last week), the book and paper center, the bfa fine artists, stage combat finals, the spectacle, etc. it make me feel like a participant, a part of comunity, and an artist in a larger movement.

i've been listening to a's time to move on mix. it's such lovely life-transition music, if a little john denver heavy, if a little colorado-crunchy-granola-hippy-folky, well, that just makes it more a-ish. it's got some classics in my collections, indigo girls get out the map and reunion, michelle shocked's come a long way, dar's traveling again, otr's suitcase and go down easy. and there's some new stuff, tom petty's time to move on and wildflowers, and nick drake's hazey jane. but then there's some very a tracks, like cat stevens and rusted rööt and a denison whitmer song i can't get enough of, called where the river bends. it's got such lovely specific lyrics, him being from lancaster and all. "you don't feel at home, underneath our pennsylvania skies / covered in guitar, deep inside the music there's a place for you / your parents and your friends, you don't think that we know how you feel / wavin' to your car, if we had our choice, we'd go along with you"

i have one more item on my list, but no transition- i think there was one earlier, but i missed the oppertunity. it's more grandma whining. she really got to me this visit. ch said he doesn't really get the relationship, and he didn't come to play cards with us because he'd be so biased knowing how my mom and i feel, and he'd have a hard time not telling it to grandma like it really is. he said he can't figure out if she's so lovelable no one can stand to disapoint her, or if she's this monster we're afraid to come up against. i wasn't sure, myself- niether really fit, but why are we so scared of her? i think it's her narrow worldview- she can't fathom the world any different than hers is. the problem with her in my life is i don't know what she does to have fun- her world seems so very, very small. she was just obsessed with buying ice cream last night for my graduation. we're like grandma, it's 40 degrees out. (yes, that's like 4c) but we bundled up and bought ice cream and came home and scooped it into bowls, and grandma had us clink our bowls together like wine glasses. she giggled and was happy. it made something clear to me, though: the idea that i'm not willing to settle for substitutions. i wanna drink real wine, not grape juice or ice cream, goddessdamit. i wanna really live. i can't believe i bought into the christian substitute for rock music, all those years ago. i don't wanna go to a nice coffee house- i wanna go to bars, to discos. i don't wanna just have deep friendships with girls. i wanna fuck 'em.

one of the hardest things about grandma being here was the whole entertainment factor- what does she do for fun? i guess, ice cream eating and playing cards is the best it gets in her world. not to demean that in any way, but that's just a small portion of the fun to be had in my world, in chicago. you can't take grandma out dancing. she doesn't drink, not in bars, not in kitchens like some people's family, and she's so disapproving of it you can't even take her to bars to, say, hear a concert. she doesn't appriciate modern art, so the staid museum option is out. we were invited to josh's graduation party, but i didn't feel like it was safe to take her, because i'm not sure how wild it would be, our how disaproving she'd be of my friends or their parents from kentucky and kansas. she does have something over my grandfather in that she's a slightly more adventurous eater, but still, there's a pretty big curb on most ethnic foods.

but maybe i'm just being bitchy, because i didn't even do the big thing we have in common, which would be take her to the library. we went to edgewater branch, but not harold washington. and there's always the church thing, which i know she's into and i'm not- so it's more that we don't have fun in common than she doesn't have fun.

anyway, i think that should be enough thoughts that someone should be interested enough to comment (not whining about lack of comments- you all have been fabulous, thank you for your care and interest in my time of transition- but it's made me a bit of an addict, and wish that i had a comment on every entry) and i can get on to the all important photo uploading....