grrrrl...

what 'chu doing blogging when there is so much packing to do? i have no idea what i did last night. made dinner with the last of my veggies in the fridge. talked to dad, talked to mom. paid the bills. i guess those are all important activities... still, there's so much to do! i should clean my desk and write some letters, but i also have to figure out what in the HELL i'm going to pack. ew ew ew. i'm so stressed by bermuda weather. i just have no cruise point of reference. i don't know how i'll be spending my time or what it will be like or...

ugh. this is so terribly banal. i will TRY and spend a paragraph or so on something INTERESTING. this wil be my last (or perhaps 2nd to last if i am useful tomorrow) blog entry until i fly out, so i should try and leave something worthwhile behind for my readers. thinking about the fambly thing, as a said. i'm again struck by the horror at my lack of love- this seems like the most popular theme when i think about my family. i'm such a wuss. i should love them in spite of their problems, like z, like l, like most people. you know, the fambly way. but i don't. i can't. i can only love the money they funnel into me. isn't that sick? if i'm going to say, your hatred or hickness or whatever is so big i can't stand you, i need to come clean, and say fuck it grandma, that statement offends me cause i'm a pagan pussylicker or whatever. and then see where the chips lay.

when reading a's comment about grandmas, i was thinking alot about drinking in particular, and why i make it such a big deal- or how i rate it on the grandma scale or something. (ch took me to boni vino after work for graduation, and i'm a little buzzed, so i'm sorry if i have to many somethings and whatevers- that's how much focus i have right now...) i think i make such a big deal out of drinking because it's safe, and i feel like drinking is easily justified, christians drink, jesus drank, it's in the bible, it's ok. and i pick on this in my grandma because it's so much easier than dealing with things like christianity and homosexuality. and even amongst my hippy dippy bathroom grafitti, if i look deep down in my soul, i still think being a lesbian IS a good enough reason for my grandma to be seriously disappointed, disgusted and appalled in me- not to even mention how jesus feels about me. back when i left the church, i think i was pretty solid in beliving jesus loved the gays, but me, well that was something entirely different. i mean, i left the church because i felt jesus didn't care a fuck about me, but i have to remind myself that i don't think jesus would give a fuck about me if i was straight, either. which then makes me wonder how that's tied to my perpetual lonelyness- like, is feeling loneliness on such a cosmic scale because of jesus's lack of interest in me (i.e. grandma thinks that i won't be lonely if i just trust in my saviour) or is it because my nature is cosmic loneliness that i spend so much time doubting l's love and z's love and j's love and jesus's love for me?

so i gues it comes down to, get some self-esteem bitch, and you won't be so scared of grandma.

and i should focus on a different aspect of the family- namely the relatives coming to my party on saturday (marty's mountain mansion, as ch has been calling it) bearing graduation gifts, or the steps,etc i'll be on the boat with from sunday to sunday. and i need to prepare my portfolio for said party. and i need to pack that suitcase i'll be dragging round airports and up stairs and across the gangplank. dad says it's a freestyle cruise and we only need to dress up one night. he's wearing a sportcoat and tie, and pam's wearing a dress. so what do you think i should take? my suitjacket and tie? or should i take my black velvet mini, corset, fishnets and lepoard print boots? help!