exhuasted

i know i told you i went over to g's tuesday. i think i told you how i whined all over mom. did i tell you she said i should let mom know how i feel? well, she did, so i called mom last night. It was a stupid idea. first, wednesday night was dumb. i knew i'd have to get through 2 more days. second, i should never ever confront anyone without a plan in mind. i mean, i need to know what i want changed. and as i was just blogging a few days ago, i don't know what our relationship is supposed to look like at this point. i know it can't go back to what it was. she's someone totally different now. someone who would give up her cats, her house and her garden to marry a man her family hates. she had no idea how i felt, not that this is really out of character, because she's always been blissfully unaware of uncomfortable things around her. and she saud she did notice how distant i'd become, but she thought i was just growing up and separating from her emotionally. she knows that her storise don't interest me or allie, and then she started to cry and say how hard it is to always be the nurturer. i felt awful. what was i trying to do? i still have no idea what i want to acomplish. and i still think that the working definitin is going to be different than what i think should be happening. i think we're gonna try to pay more attention to each other, but i still feel like a slimeball- and one who's hanging on to her mother's apron strings. really, now. i'm 24 years old. there is no reason at all for me to need to share every detail of my life with my mother. i need to grow up. i won't be able to stay friends with g when she marries joe and doesn't have time for me. why would i be able to do so with mrs. nancy katzen? i was just a mess in a dress when i hung up with her. i took chamomile and my fave forget me not before talking to her, then afterwards i had some rescue remedy and gentian. i took a melatonin and went to bed. kept working and working over what i should have said, what i shouldn't have, what a mess i'd maide of things, what a looser i am, etc. took another melatonein 1/2 hr later. pulling myself into a darker depression. took 2 more a half hour after that, and some mre flowers. didn't even make a moticble impact. I haven't felt this way since february when i discovered bachs. i mean, i've been depressed since then, but i could feel how much worse it would be without it. and i knew i'd be fine in the morning, if i could just get to sleep. i had a 8 am midterm this morning. i was panicing about that too. there is no crueler insomnia than the kind caused by worrying about not getting enough sleep. i couldn't come up with any fantisies to escape too. it was awful. i finally got out my sleeping pills, knowing it would ruin today. and that finally put me out. but oh, the agony of waking up this morning! and leaving the house, and classes! but i slept, and that is all that's important. i made it to class, and i think the test went fine, so this afternoon's headache is worth it. risha wasn't in the costume shop today. i couldn't really ask chris where she was because i'm so self consious about stalking her. but rebecca was there- rebecca who was my friend last year, the first person who i came out to face to face, who graduated last year- she's working on an outside show and patty let her use the shop. so that was charming. but i'd rather have risha. charles sent me a text message while i was working- his date tonight turned from a sleepover to just dinner, so he wants to come here. i said it was fine, but oh, i'm dead. i needed cheese for breakfast tomorrow, so i went to jewel after work, and i needed coke too, so i bought the 24 pack rather than the 12 and had to lug it all the way across the 11th street bridge. ugh. i thought i was going to die. now i'm home, but i'm too tired to make dinner. i tried looing around my kitchen for something easy, but nothing was magically apearing. sigh. perhaps i'll just have a cup of soup. it feels wasteful to have such handy food for dinner, but ugh. i can't move. i can't even sit up straight enough while typing to see how my spelling is. so if i missed errors only visible from closser than a yard from the screen, i'm sorry. i hope you all love me anyway. feelin in need of a little love.