halloween

nothing interesting, much. went to boystown with charles, lots of bars, lots of fairies in their wings. most interesting costume- a guy with his pants around his ankles and a large plastic chicken pinned to his crotch. i was wearing allie's witch dress, sparkly tights, big black boots, false eyelashes on the top and bottom, glitter lipgloss, a purple wig, and my big turquoise velvet cape. though, what exactly i was, i couldn't have told you. slowly getting osx to do what i want it to. everyday is a new adventure. read ibson's a dolls house this morning, trying to do brecht's mother courage right now, and it's unbearble- possibly impossible. ufta. ch and i went grocery shopping and made blueberry pancakes this morning. it was totally charming. whatever. i'll try writing again tomorrow.

trouble with updates

the problem is they take up all your time. add to that homework and guests, and the thought of blogging is completely hopeless. so i still haven't told you all about wendsday night. g came over and brought the tea i ordered with her. she is infatuated with stash tea co, and is always mail ordering tea. this newest offer was for these herbal teas, chánakára. they're all based on the body's chakras. she got the 5th, blue ginger tea for expression and resonance. i got the 2nd, dragonfruit tea for passion and creativity. as we drank our new tea she waxed my hair and i read traveling mercies. we're almost done. i stopped right at sister, the next chapter we have to read, about annie getting her dreadlocks, it seemed timely. then we're just sitting on my couch, talking finishing our tea, and she's got this curl caught in her eyelash. i really want to lean over and brush it away, but i know this would be totally sexy and the next step would be to kiss her. i then wonder, wait- is this me, or the tea? i don't believe in aromatherapy, but flower essences do work... i can't look at her, i let my eyes drift beyond... and then notice the clock, saying it's past my bedtime, which gives me the exuse to jump up and go into the kitchen to put my mug in the sink, clearing all the tension that was building on the couch. i wonder if she feels this tension? i wonder if there would be any way to find out without telling her why i cause it? and i won't do that. not unless i know something good is gonna come out of it. i do not want to be someone coerses straight girls. you can't help falling in love with somebody. you can help what you do about it. ¶ she's in colorado visiting her sister this weekend. i've been trying to get panther to work. can't connect to the internet with it, even with an updated version of aol. infact, can't do anything with it but look at my pictures and listen to mp3s. ch stayed with me again last night, and micho didn't cry at all , all night long. currently he's... well, this is another story, cause i know many of you haven't been to my studio.¶ so, i have this awesome ikea furnature (beddinge) and it's a bed that folds into a couch. it's kinda like a futon, but with a real matress and springs, so more comfortable. and i usally don't put the slipcover on (ok, i usally don't even turn it into a couch, but if i'm gonna be hanging around or know i'm gonna have company, i do) just smooth out the duvet , making it look even more like a futon. well, the cat has climbed up under the duvet, and is sleeping between the covers. it reminds me of curling up under the covers when i was very small as my mom was making a bed, and her hitting me with a pillow, trying to get the "wumps" out. i was apparently so young i couldn't even say ls. i have so few memories of my childhood, and we're talking alot about them in the jung lectures in my psyc class. what does that say about me, if this is what i remember?

panther

how could i possibly have time to blog when my dad has just sent me os 10.3? the x is on my desktop, baby! unfortunatly, can't figure out how to connect to the internet. need to keep using the old os for that. what else- i think there's a boy in my text analysis class who likes me, risha's back and we spent the whole day talking at work while draping, patternmaking, cutting, etc. she's not having her party, but that's ok cause ch is taking me to boystown on sat. micho peed on the pillows on my computer chair. they need to be washed, again.

comments

it's been a day full of annoyances. handed in both my papers. only have 10 more lectures for fashion history to sit through. really, it's way too long. i don't know if i could make it. if ms. b. a. church (feel free to exploit as much as you want, evil lurkers, she deserves it) was at all a loveable, interesting or redeamable person it would be one thing. if she was knowlagable about her subject, that would be another. if she gave interesting lectures, sure. if she always provided correct information, perhaps i'd be able to stand it! but no, none of these things happen in her class. i do hope the fashion department has evaluations. cause i want someone in the college hierarchy to hear my pain. and frances has thrown the costume shop into a rukus this morning, so by the time i got there everyone was stressed out and dying to go home. as for comments. well, as soon as i walk in the front door i got some nasty ones. micho looked at me with his disparaging "who do you think you are? certainly not charles!" dismissive glare. then hissed, meowed, and started to pant. like the mere sight of me was giving him an allergic reaction, or a panic attack. but then i thought he was looking for petting, so i started to brush him, and he was purring, but then he got angry, and bit me, and there's blood. i take it all very personally. i think micho's a misogynist. so this glum day is what makes it so delightful that i've gotten some comments! maya's blog is like this big public forum, with all sorts of people commenting every day. it's so validating, to hear that people are actually reading, and want to make this a little community rather than a crazy person's ranting and raving. and not only is it my friends, who have to love me, but someone intirely new to my little world! welcome, jamie! amy doesn't like to post comments, but she emailed me hers:
"as for gabrielle, i think a simple "let's agree to disagree" is appropriate? or is that too flip? obviously "your views are bullshit" isn't quite appropriate. do you have tony and peggy campolo's article or did i lose it forever? that sure changed my worldview. i'm sure you can find articles on pro-homosex christians. if not, i'll ask around for you." ¶what did i actually do? well, i just wrote back to g that wends is fine to hang out, and i'm not prepared to answer right away and i think she knows what i think anyway. i can't really give into the agree to disagree, beacause i want to change her and make her have a more worldly and loving opinion. i was pretty riled up, and wasn't sure what to do with it, so i ended up comming out to my mom. ! yep. she was on im, and i was buying my ticket to go there for thanksgiving, so we were talking anyway. she said exactly what allie said she would, "i just want you to be happy." which i think is such a funny way of putting it. at this point, what would make me happy? i am such a people pleaser, i want my grandparents and society to be pleased, if a little in awe, of my life. no one wants their friends to think they're living sinful disgusting lives. is love worth it? i think happiness is gonna be pretty difficult to accomplish.

homosexuals

sorry for three posts in one day! but people keep sending me stuff! i guess i shouldn't feel so lonely with justine iming me and g emailing me. she sent me a forward, saying, "Here is something that IV is doing for community service. It sums up
their views on homosexuality, esp. in the somewhat complicated (for
Christians) position of thinking about homosexuals who consider
themselves Christian. I think that I agree with the stance, for the
most part. It at least succinctly sums up my thoughts, as far as they
have gotten, although it doesn't really answer all of the nuanced
questions that will always arise out of the discussion of
homosexuality/religion/Christianity. What do you think?"
then the article says:
"what is IV's stance? According to what we see clearly presented in the Bible, IV currently understands that homosexual behavior is sinful (see passages such as Romans 1:26-27.) However, to quote from a report put out by IV in 1995: "Homosexual orientation (that is, psycho-sexual attraction to persons of the same gender) is not the same as homosexual behavior. While homosexual orientation is not in and of itself sinful, it is a distortion of what God originally intended resulting from the fall. As such it is also a point of temptation and a possible doorway to sinful behavior." But I think that another statement in that same report can help us understand exactly why, though disapproving of homosexual behavior, we should partner with a group like QueeReligious: "Homosexuality is not to be considered differently from other categories of distortion and sin insofar as Christ's redemptive work is concerned. Our true identity is given to us by God's creative and redemptive activity and is not to be derived from how we view ourselves. We must not root our core identity in our brokenness or sinfulness. Therefore, homosexuality cannot serve as a basis of true identity." Homosexual behavior is no different from other forms of sexual sin, or sin in general, that everyone experiences. It is another possible form of the general brokenness experienced by all mankind. Our goal, then, should be to overcome our brokenness in general, not to emphasize certain forms of sin as more deviant, and in doing so alienate some of our brothers and sisters in Christ. Jesus approached sinners as people, not identifying them as synonymous with their sin--it was never "'Prostitute'" this or "'Tax Collector'" that. Instead, He addressed them as people, often by name ("'Zacchaeus!'" [Luke 19] for example). In the same way, I believe that Christ would never have addressed a practicing homosexual by his or her sin, but would have approached them as people in need of His love and grace. Along with this, Christ understood the needs of the people around Him, and also understood the reality of their situation. If we are to attempt to emulate His love and grace, we must also emulate this understanding. Our chapter has posed the question this quarter, "What is the Christian life at the U of C?" And for some students at the U of C, the Christian life is one of trying to understand themselves as homosexual and as Christian. If we are to understand the broader answer to our question, it would serve us well to see also the varied, more specific forms the Christian life might take." ¶ WHAT DO I THINK? WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK? i can't even get into what i'm feeling/thinking right now. please, dear blog readers, if any of you ever think of posting comments, this is the one to do it on. what is my response to this supposed to be?

teener

so, my cousin justine started a blog about her new life at college. her first entry sites me as inspiration, and is a nice complement as well-
"i was reading my cousin's and just thought it was very cool. though i'm really not one for publishing outright my thoughts, and i don't think my blog could ever be as interesting as the blog of my hip chicago- dwelling artist cousin. "
thanks justine! hope you don't mind the advertising! if you're not a fan, i'll delete the link. love, your hip chicago dwelling artist cousin.

lonely

when i came home after work today, and called and search, micho eventually sauntered out from under my bed. he walked over to me, was petted twice, then hissed furiously and climbed back under my bed, where i'm sure he's sleeping to save up his energy to caterwaul and cry at the door all night long. ¶
g finally emailed me after my barrage of telephone calls. (one friday, one sat. night...) all she has left free are wends and thurs. i'm like, you know i don't know anyone else in the city. of course i'm free.

micho

i've got a cat! i'm watching miecho while ch is homeless. i hope we get along. so far, he seems pretty stressed out. as long as he's a better cat than Tag was, all should be ok. sorry i've been so remiss in writing. it seems like ages, but i guess i've only missed 2 days. friday ch came home from work with me and we made these awesome quesodillas for dinner. then we watched the matrix. i was trying to get g to come over so we could watch my new pedro almodavar from netflix ("what have i done to deserve this?") but she's all miss IV and didn't return my call till 11.30that night. i told her to call me tomorrow. kind ch said he'd watch something else if i wanted to save it for her. sat. i spent the whole day writing my papers. 2 of them. but dad sent me new RAM for my birthday, and os 10.3. and i didn't want to fuck up my computer before the papers were printed. ugh. when i was done i called g again to make plans for today, but she wasn't home, and hasn't called back. her loss. so i wrote them both, then tried to instal the OS last night, but it's on burned disks, and my computer won't read them. so i decide to install the RAM, and got the first few layers of plastic pulled out. BUT, when it came to unscrewing the handle to pull the motherboard out, i realized i'd totally stripped the heads of the screws last time i took it apart to clean it after the fire. so i called dad. he suggested pliers, but it's just in too tight. so this morning i went to ace hardware, spent $20 on a screw removal bit- and no, i couldn't get em to work. so i put my computer all together again so i could write to you all, pay my bills, etc. but when charles comes i'm gonna have him see if he can do anything about it. god, i hope so. what use is RAM if you can't get into your computer? and why do computer problems stress me out so much? nothing can make me depressed like not being able to sign online. kinda sick, eh? ¶ did i mention i have my airplane ticket? arriving in frankfurt 17dec. god, i'm excited. i had many problems with cheap tickets, but it ended up ok, i gave up on them and bought it directly off air india (!)'s web site. non-stop! vegetarian! yeah!

curly headed girls

was planing on getting definates from risha today about her halloween party. but she's been out sick all week- they say she's gone to the hospital. this makes me very sad. also slows down my new best friend plan. really, work on thursday is the only bearable thing about school. we started guys and dolls today! i've been assigned my dress and i draped it and started making the pattern! there is little i love more in the world. ¶don't know when i'm gonna type again- ch is staying tomorrow night with me, and i have 2 papers to type this weekend. ugh. went to the library today to get my research books. was exhausted when i came home, but g had invited me for dinner, so i went over there and while she was cooking i baked stuffed apples. it was very autumnal. and it's so nice to have someone cook for me. when g was writing her paper last weekend, she sent this to me, saying it's a quote that reminds her of me:
"We are cups, constantly and quietly being filled. The trick is, knowing
how to tip ourselves over and let the beautiful stuff out." -Ray
Bradbury

nothing interesting

went to work. thought about doing research for said paper at library. decided not to. came home. "what have i done to deserve this?" had come in the mail. going to make dinner.

complicated

life is, no? it's hellish right now for ch. rafa's going crazy, it seems. to have so much and loose it all. he's bouncing around right now, johnnyb has a date wendsday night so he's staying here. i'm gonna watch the cat till he has some place permanent. it's all a big hairy mess. it makes me so sad.
¶was iming allie, and think i've decided to come to east pa for thanksgiving. with any luck hit an amazing number of people- leah, amy, mom, dad, and some assorted aunts and stepcousins. when she signed off, she gave me a great honour. a quote i said in our im conversation is her away message. check it out!
¶welcome back, amy! can you imagine how much blog reading she has to catch up on the last two weeks? she called me in the grocery store, home and finished with tales from the city. it's so great after texting all my anagrams of anna madrigal to ch last week to have her say, "did i miss something?" today. how could maryanne burn the file without reading it?
¶classes continue to be awful. fashion history is indescribable. after studying dadaism in theater history, we had to write our own. here's mine: Hope is the most necessary human drive. Who can live their days striving at work that does not feed their soul? How can one live for hours working at tasks solely for income, in hopes that whatever it is they really enjoy can be squeezed into the leftover hours? I ache for those who must toil at mindless tasks to provide for society's needs. I urge all who have the opportunity to pursue work that fills them with joy. Artists should work not to impress others, not for the finished product, to emerge with some creation, but for the process of creating itself, should work because the smell, the touch of their medium fills them with joy. It is this joy all should pursue, artists or otherwise. To do less is to deny oneself an essential aspect of existence. To do less is to bind oneself to a bitter, unfulfilled life.

communication

mom called again today and it went very well. i was quite pleased. she asked all sorts of questions about what i've been doing, remembered other things that i've told her of my life, and let me intertupt her when i had something relevant to say. lovely things happened then i when i got home- learned nolan had fixed my toilet, the elevator stops on 8 again, and i got lots of good mail. thank you cards from mairee and uncle billy, a birthday box from ruth in germany, and my order from syracuse cultural workers. which includes my xmas gift for my little sister- the first one bought!
on the downside, after my dad had a letter he sent to me returned, after ruth said she emailed me but i didn't get it, and meike called me yesterday and my answering machine died, i was texting leah today and she said she sent me an email too- so all forms of communication seem to be having problems! just waiting for the cell phone to die. so i'm thinking about changing my email acct. horrors, i know. but i need to be able to get these things!

weekend activities

things finally took a turn for the worse between ch&r. the bitter end aproaches (the last end was still savory, i guess) i got a call early sat morning- ch asked me to come work boss's & sweetest day for him- he didn't think he could handle it. of course. what more can i do? that's a great boss's day gift, i guess. didn't even get a chance to give him a hug. all buisness. i guess that's the most difficult part of the employee/employer relationship. ¶did i tell you i finally emailed g? then she returned my call yesterday aftternoon and we made plans to go shopping. it was late in the evening. yeah. g, helen and i went up to belmont about 6. unfortunately, other than a wig to wear to risha's halloween party (! i hope it really happens and that i'm really invited!) i didn't need anything on belmont. still, i had vicariously had a bad enough morning i somehow justified some cash therapy. beautiful black lacy gloves with sequins, also for the costume i guess. then some mod swirly tights and a gold glitter chain wallet. like i need a new wallet. i love my wallet. however, i've always thought it would be cool to have a chain wallet. and it's gold glitter. and it was only $5. and it's tall enough to fit european money, which was a major problem with the previous wallet. so i'll just use it for special ocasions. like when i'm wearing something that has back pockets. g neeed more nose jewelry, so we went to our piercing parlor. helen was talking about getting her bellybutton pierced, so we went to a bar to have a drink and discuss it. so the big question- WHICH gay bar do i take g and helen to sat night? i wimped out, and took them to the quiet old neighborhood place with the friendly bartenders. helen decided to do it, then i was hungry, so we went to a diner. it's so wierd to me, this diner just like PA, and you look out the window and it's clark street. ¶ i actually spoke with the amazing, charming curlyheaded ruth today. she said come for new years. so it's official. michi and ruth said come. i left a message for meike and when i got home from g's today (just went to do homework and escape the sameness of my bed) was so sad to have missed her sweet voice, and her message said, "of course you're welcome anytime, but the thing is i work night shift until dec. 23rd, so grmromrogioruernve" i hate it when my answering machine does that in the middle of messages. so i'm not sure what my itnerary is going to be. as if the thought of thanksgiving isn't bad enough. so far it seems mom is staying home in the new house, and alli will be there while samir is with his parents. i asked dad what he's doing, who his crowd is, and he told me, then said "go wherever you feel most comfortable." it was a really wonderful thing for him to say- i'm so tired of the feeling i should do this, cause i want to be a faithful daughtersisteretc, or cause i owe people, or to be well distributed or whatever. so that's what i'm gonna do. weigh all my options of chicago, west pa, east pa, south carolina. then go wherever i feel most comfortable. when amy called today she had great enthusiasm about hearing this- it makes me happy to have her know how great that response was. but then i guess i did the same for her, as she went to anne lamott's church today. how incredible! i wish i could hear anne lamott pray.

another one

another nightmare last night. this was more of an impending doom one, rather than shock and scaring me awake. what do you think this means? is there something wrong with me? with my subconsious? i'm loving armistead maupin. current fave quote about mona's law: you can have a hot job, a hot boyfriend, or a hot appartment, but not all at the same time. it's true! i put a hold on a meg cabbot book so i could read them in order... then realized when it came in i'd already read it. what a bummer. haven't seen g since the marathon. she emailed me a silly link that didn't work, so we were back and forth via email about that for a few days. but nothing else. come on chorus, strike it up again- i know she ain't worth my time and energy. i can't help it, ok? so i sent off another email to her. we'll see what happens next. blah.

all over the map

staring at this blank box, again. i feel like i have no cohesive stories, again. today's snippits: worked with risha again. she was more friendly with pam and i today, she really does seem like a winner. she's never met alexia, and pam gave her a rather unfavorable review, so that made me feel better about my bad first impression. i always think that if i have a bad feeling about someone, it's my problem, not theirs. glad to hear she makes others uncomfortable, too, beacuse that makes it seem less my problem. anyway, risha seems like new friend material and i am excited at the prospect. she's from pittsburg originally. she likes cat power. i don't know. i feel out of practice. it's been so long since i got a new friend, it seems. other worries: still haven't heard from the germans, except michi of course. i wonder if they don't want me? so sad to think of. things are still so strange wtih mom. my blog readers know so much more about me now. i found maya keyes blog. did i mention this? i forget. anyway, now there are 4 i keep up with: beth, sarah ryan, and meg cabot. too bad i can't figure out how to put web sites on this this new template. ah, i give up. i promise to be more interesting again someday. for now, i'm gonna go read more tales from the city.

nightmares

been having a bunch of them recently. wonder why? dreaming alot, which isn't abnormal when i change my sleep patterns, but nightmares are strange for me. not my usual sort of dream.
the first: i read about this special new wheeled thing some guy has invented in the reader. he's having a group roll sort of thing downtown, and i decide to go. when i get there, it's actually in philadelphia. i try the log rolling things down the sidewalk for a while, but then there's this pedal one i want to try out. now allie is at the head of the pack, wearing old fashioned rollerskates: the kind with the white leather lace up boots? i ask her if i can hang on to her so i don't fall off these fast moving wheels. and we're rolling along the sidewalk, under highways, and there's this grassy patch, and i know we're gonna hit it and go flying. i don't know if we jump or what, but we seem to pick up speed instead of slow down. we're going way too fast for my comfort. and we can't seem to slow down- it just keeps getting scarier and scarier. and then we can't steer, and we veer off the sidewalk and launch out over the river. there are still pylons holding up highways, but i don't know how far we can go before they run out. there is no exhileration from flying, just the terrible knowlege that we will eventually run out of momentum and come crashing down. i wake up flying over the middle of the river- no conclusion. dream number two: ani difranco is playing at this tiny coffee house- acoustic, and she's great, it's totally low key. ch and i are totally siked, but justine is being really fauning, and it's kind of embarrasing for ani and her manager as they're sitting at our table between sets. (ani's manager is the cute but difficult customer ch and i had in the shop that day) but we're all rocking out, chatting and having fun. one of my dreadlocks feels funny, like it's caught in my glasses or behind my ear, and i try and fix it without my whole precarious hairdo faling down. my mom comes over, and things are so tense with us right now, i'm almost wishing she didn't, cause though she'll make good conversation with ani she'll be so motherly, and stop me from feeling cool (when DID this start happening?) no big surprise- she pulls up a chair and sits down next to me, and imediately starts picking like a mother monkey at my hair. i yell at her, and finally get the misplaced dread into place, freeing this ENORMOUS millapide centipede bug of some sort, long and black and walking across my glasses. bugs don't usally bother me, but this terrified and shocked me so much i woke up. then last night i was at summer camp, and the work aids were in my cabin. for some reason i was sleeping with jen, but all these people kept coming into our cabin- moving tvs, setting up stuff. and there were all these people from school, and i was trying to keep a "i don't care" additute with them, but there there were lots of christians, too, and i really didn't want them to know- it was a really miserable head game i was playing. this one made much less sense- even at the time. and it wasn't scary, but it certainly wasn't a happy, comfortable, or even restful dream, so i'll put it in this catagory, too. i feel these are just ripe for interpretation!

bits and pieces

feeling discombobulated again. like i want to post one liner posts. but i have a series of them. i've found maya keyes's blog. one of my final paper topics for styles and crafts is "what the frick is up with blue man group?" (no word on if frick is appropriate for a term paper) why can't i get it together to clean my house when i know the window guy's coming tomorrow? no motavation to do anything- repsond to emails, do the dishes, make dinner- heck, do anything besides read more tales of the city. seems to becoming an obsession, like sex in the city watchers i know (yes, i'm talking about you! ;->) to lazy even to go over to g's house- obviously beoming pathological. oh wait! i have a topic!

all sorts of people

sunday night, ch was finally hitting the bars again, and we had the nicest textmessage conversation we're both really good at witty reparte, i think. i called anne today- it was her birthday. it was good to talk. i need to write michi back, he's sent me another of those charming emails- one that indicates he reads my blog! rock on! i love to hear about y'all reading it! it sometimes feels like it's just me, and perhaps amy, but this is out for the whole world to read, and i am steadily gaining a little ring of friends who do! this amazes me. who wants to hear my whining? of course, i'm so interested in other people's.... speaking of blogs, the reader published "the story the tribune won't print." it was about the republican senate canadate allen keyes- can't win, running against obama. so his daughter (who is super cute in the family photo, y'all know how i feel about little afros) who is 19 has this blog and she wrote about being a lesbian, and a political blogger found it. when all the reporters came flocking the entry in question was removed. i know it's a cruel thing to wish on anyone, but i hope she is- the entry made her seem strong, well balanced and charming. and keyes is one of those people you want to punch every time he opens his mouth. even the republicans here don't like him. he thinks jesus would vote for him, cause obama votes for baby killers and on other pro-life issues. the best keyes quote is that relationships are created to produce offspring, and therefore homosexual relationships are "selfish hedonism." someone then asked him if mary cheney was a selfish hedonist- and he said yes. then he was asked what he would do if his daughter was a lesbian (!) and he said he'd pray for her, tell her he loved her but she wasn't walking the right path or some kinda crap... he deserves a selfish hedonist daughter. she just doesn't seem to deserve that kind of dad. why can't politicians children have their own lives?

tired dirty lonely feet

what sort of a freak do you have to be to dislike returning calls so much you turn down a pedicure? who knew i was so scary?

chicago marathon

it was today. mairee and dave came back from baltimore to run it, as well as carolyn g's roomate. i was there at 8.30, cheering, all dressed up with big signs. i was at 4 different spots. never saw anyone. got sunburnt and hoarse. now i'm tired and depressed. went out afterwards with mairee and dave and their assorted fans, but blah. i was too tired. i can't believe i wasted 1\2 my weekend this way. and all for naught.

books books books

charles brought me another maupin book today- more tales from the city. we went out after work and spent most of the time discussing mary anne, mona, brian, dede, beuchamp, anna madrigal. but i didn't even bring it home i'm so engaged in libba bray's a great and terrible beauty. i currently have so many books from the library i'm dying to read- another jean ferris, a new philip pullman, franchesca lia block, nancy garden, plus home movie, everything on a waffle, rubyfruit jungle, gravel queen.... it's rediculous. especially with the amazing amounts of reading i have to do for class. it's a play, 3 eras of costume history, and a psychologist a week. what am i gonna do when i have to start doing projects, taking tests, writing papers?

work aids

two new workaids in the costume shop this year. well, three counting chris, but i already know him. two new girls i haven't met yet. i met lexie(?) last week, and i didn't get a glowing first impression. she reminds me alot of how i relate to people, being quiet and shy, overwhelmed with their relationships, but not afraid to act like i know what i'm doing, too. we were talking about the programs, and she was saying she was going for a BFA too, it only made sense. it's not that hard. i'm like, honey, you need to do more than change it in the computer. you need to apply, write your letter of intent, get your portfolio together. i sound like an old queen. like jim. like i'm her worldly old gay uncle or something. so i don't know. right now, i think of her as kinda whatever. but who knows, she may warm up to me, and i'll be giving her this address and hoping she doesn't click on this entry!
as far as the other one. well. let's just say i'm intimidated. she hasn't been overly friendly, but that could be cause i'm overwhelmed and she knows chris. she hasn't been rude or obnoxious, either. i'm still holding back judgement on her character. she has hair just like gabrielle's. longer, actually. need i say more? i think i may have someone new to lust after. and this may be a good thing.

xmas plans

mom called yesterday wanting to talk about them. so we finally did today, and she seems to be ok with me spending my savings on germany. so it looks like it's gonna happen. what i'm gonna do about thanksgiving i haven't decided yet.

been a long time.

knowing that amy's in ca. takes the preasure off of me, i think. does anyone read my blog besides her? and life is so boring and rote, it seems. school, work. you don't really want to know what's going on in my classes. it's just boring and exhausting. personality professor lectures in tangents. theater history professor has ADD and can't sit still or talk quietly. Text analysis is full of over analitical actors. Fashion history is the bane of my existance. the professor is CRAZY. i wish i didn't need the information so badly. i need to start working with my remedies again, cause the people around me seem to keep getting me down. i need more optimistic friends. of course, more friends in general would be good. went over to g's today to pick up the leftovers i'd left there sat. night. caroline had been eating them all week, and she thanked and raved, but there was just enough for dinner tonight, none for work tomorrow. but then she gave me a back rub, so it's all ok. it's cold here in chicago. windy and cold and dark and unfriendly. i'll try and go to bed early tonight, and be cheery again soon.

late and drunk and smokefree

i shouldn't write when i've had this much to drink. g said perhaps saturday we can get together. in regular g terms, that is not a promise, but she knows how important it is to me, and so she called me. she wanted to watch a movie so i went over to her house to do that and then she waxed my hair. her roomate jess really wanted to go out, but she's only 20, and we couldn't find a single under 21 club to go to in the entire city. boo. finally, i'm like, i've got amaretto and hard lemonade. come on over to my place. so g and jess got all dressed up, i put on my false eyelashes and cleaned my house, and they came over. so charming. jess saw my place for the first time, we dressed up, listened to dance music, drank fancy drinks, played cards. they all got tired too quick though. it's only 3! so now i'm finishing my wine and blogging after they've left. how fun.

sleepy saturday

more contimplative musings on what it means to be an artist. it's the label i'm constantly seeking, yet never seem to find, as elusive as cool. or even hippie, for that matter. artist is the hardest one, yet i think it comes from not being able to have distance from my own life. i spent the afternoon drinking coke, listening to pink floyd's the wall. painting a stepstool and being mesmerized by the rainbows my prism makes. i think hearing about this from someone else would make it a day (life) to be jelous of.

boring

nothing has happened to me since i last typed. woke up early to see my advisor (still not over with yet) went to work, came home. i'm steaming the last wonton from ch and my's night in. OH! i have a great story about that! so i left the end of the strawberry margaritas in the blender. ch and i were talking about how we felt we were in some sort of chick flick- i come over to his house after work and we make margaritas in the blender and chinese food and swap breakup stories. anyway, i left the blender melting in the refrigerator, and when rafael found it in the refrigerator, he said "i feel like i'm in women on the verge of a nervous breakdown!" which killed me! yes, of course, being bright red, it looks like gaspacho. and who knows what sorts of pills ch and i have disolved in it....
no plans for the weekend, beyond nasty homework. will only blog again when i have a good story to tell.