pause

ok, here´s a post a bit out of the timeline. but i´ve just arrived at ruths and her boyfriend has dsl! so i´ll get lots of, uh, research done here...
will come back soon with christmas posts, and will try and get the dates in order. thanks for reading all this- meike is shocked at how full my journal is already. who reads all this? she asked me. glad to know you´re out there! thanks for the comment, jamie! i´m sure it´s crazy what i love- and what drives me crazy about your country. feel free to post as well, all you americans. or don´t- or email me. i´d love to hear from you.

kaub

her mom had gone early, so wew were driving up alone. i love driving to kaub- the snakey little road right along the rhein, with all the castles and little villages on the steep banks with the steep vineyards that make rhein wein so expensive. and the poor sheep! i hope the woool is more expensive, too! i also love how we´re not just the tourists taking the boat up the rhein, we are going to visit meike´s oma and opa. it´s always a bit of a trial, as i´m always so sleepy and there is such pressure to eat. and i can´t understand their german, and i´m too self concious to yell my german loud enough for them to hear, so... it´s fine, but alwazs seems a rather long afternoon. meike´s oma made me miss my oma. it was still raining when we left, and so late the ferry had stopped running. the only bridge is in mainz, so we had to go all the way back there before going to kibo. we saw michi´s car on the autobahn (he drives a ford fiesta!) he arrived a few minutes after we did, and martin came over a bit later. we watched when harry met sally. and under the christmas tree is mail for me! jamie has sent me the high july cd! they won´t let me open it till christmas, though.

altstadt nochmal

the first thing i did thursday was go back to the altstadt to return my tights. it was so sad to wake up and see the snow replaced with uglz grey rain! all the magic of the night before was melted away. all went very sucessfully at the sockenladen- the salesgirl remembered me from yesterday, and i communicated what i wanted to do- there even wasn´t pink left in the right size, so i got blau instead :-) felt like i putzed around alot in the altstadt, but when i got home it wasn´t even noon. ate indian leftovers and repacked my suitcases. i had just sat down to journal when meike got home and announced it was time to go to Kaub!

indianishes restaurant

afer that we had such a nice evening. we listened to xmas music on pearl while meike wraped gifts and i journaled. then we drove in the snow to breitestraße to find the indian restaurant. it wasn´t hard, and as i predicted, it wasn´t hard to find parking on BREITEstr. there were stone elephants guarding the steps, and they had snow collecting in little piles on their heads and trunks. our poor waiter´s german was about as good as mine, but communication mostlz happened, and the food was really good. the people who sat at the table next to us kept having these academic discussions, meike said. at our table we just gossiped. a fun evening.

THE conversation

meike was home already when i arrived. she was very excited about the kaktus and wanted to hear all about my day. then she asked if she had to wait until tonight to hear my stories. so i told her. it went better than my wildest imaginings. well, in al my worrying i was much more eloquent and she was much less understanding. i had faith she´d be cool with the sexuality thing, she´s friends with michi, after all. but i didn´t expect her to be so understanding and sympathetic about the christian thing. i guess we´re just beyond the point where it´s possible to stop being friends. i´m always so pleasantly surprised when i realize this. i felt so light and free after telling her this- no more secrets and lies. made for a giddy evening.

altstadt

on wendnesday, meike said i should go to the art exhibit myself, so i figured out the bus route to the hbf and walked from there. i didn´t know it was in the altstadt! it was so adorable! all sorts of fun shops in the bottom of these tut bisch german german buildings on the narrow cobblestone streets. the exhibit was good- downstairs famous pop artists from the 60s then upstairs, their later work and how they influnced later artists. i was more proud of getting there myself than anything else, though. bought some socks at a sock store- fun striped strumpfhosen. but the guz told me to get an enourmous size! i´m going to try and exchange them tomorrow. it was snowing when i left. so beautiful! yesterday when i was looking for a very german thing to do- this is what i was looking for. buying meike a weihnachtskaktus out of a green smelling blumenladen in a halftimbered building and slipping on the cobbelstone street. the german word gemütlich fits much better than cozy or charming or sweet.

janik (& ramón!)

meike and i went shopping downtown when i got home. i love wandering through all the little shops on the pedestrian streets! we had decided to eat indian food for dinner, but then michi called- janik was there! so we decided to go there and i´d meet him- finally it seemed to me. we´d run out of time to go out for dinner, so we went to the HL and bought more pizzas for ramón. ah! how could i have written so much about mz trip and not mentioned ramón! he is michi and his roomate jürgen´s new oven. he´s very sleek and sexy, super space age design, so that even straight jürgen thought he needed a porn star name. it is the sexy ramón that´s been heating up our pizzas. before i talk about the pizzas, though, i should mention the amazing parking platz we scored right across the street from michi´s wohnung. m&j have spent 2 hrs. searching for a spot in neustadt before, so one of their requirements for their new place is a designated parkplatz. anyway, meike squeezed into this place with about 15 cm in front and back. michi and analise heated pizza in ramón, and janik and meike and i chatted in michi´s room. it´s hard to get to know anyone in one evening, esp. someone who doesn´t speak much english, but janik seems really funny, and a totally nice guy.really hot too, it a verz german way. definately a couple to make straight girls sad. he has this flight simulation program that goes to chicago, and so we talked about meig´s field. he said i speak "hoch american" which is so nice to hear! analise had to leave to catch her train, but the rest of us drank wine, ate chocolate, and watched "all over the guy." thought of ch when christina ricci had a cameo. michi gave me a look at one point that just screamed "did you tell her?" to me. and i was so ashamed i posted a note on the bathroom mirror telling meike i have stories that i´m afraid to tel her because i think they´ll make her sad, but she is important to me, so make me do it!

lazy

i am so lazy! i´m in germany! i should be out doing german things, but i am so content to just lie lazily around meike´s apartment every day. i´ve read a whole maupin book, painted a picture of meike´s living room, listen to pearl and the radio, eaten alot of toast and drunk alot of tee. all this free time would be great to do homework in. but to be lazy feels so good! all i´ve done is journal and type emails. i´m im urlaub. on vacation. i don´t have to do anything.

analise

she seemed like a really cool person, and i was excited to meet another english speaker. but all my attempts at small talk were rebuffed. i don´t feel like she liked me much. everthing i said was either met with disbelief or correction. the 3 of us went to the christmas market and drank glüwein- actually one step up- they pour brandy over a cone of sugar and set it on fire, letting it melt into the wine. i forget what it´s called. it was good, though. meike called us after her nap and we decided to go to her house to eat dinner and play games. i let analise take control of the vegetable cooking and the rice, and wasn´t whiny or cocky at all when it stuck to the bottom. after all, i didn´t speak up and say to add more water. however, it did give me the courage to stand up to her and say there are about 9 sq. ft. in a sq. meter. it became kinda a big argument, and iäm like, why are we fighting about this? i don´t care, it´s just that i´m right. it´s not that i care if anyone here thinks i´m right, i just want you to know iäm not convinced by you. we played games and drank bailey´s and it ws fine. after they left, i told meike, i thought she didn´t like me. and meike, bless her, didn´t say "girl, don´t be silly!" or " your´re just jelous cause she can speak german and you can´t." she gave me the benifit of the doubt, and talked about dominant personalities. finally she said, " we had a fun evening and we don´t ever have to see her again- rrrrrrruks!" and gave me a hug. it was just what i needed- to hear she loves me even if i am as stupid as analise made me feel, and i had fun anyway, and i need to remove myself from this vortex, stop obsessing, and move on.
vocabulary:
die schildkröte- turtle

tag mit michi

on monday, michi was back in mainz and ready to hang out with me. so nice to see him! it seems like it hasn´t been that long- i guess since at 2 years ago, he´s the german i´ve seen most recently. and we email often enough. he reads here. and so on. we talked about meike, how i haven´t told here i´m not a christian yet. let alone the whole lesbian thing. he assured me it´s only gonna get worse as i wait, i have to do it now. he was really nice- i felt a bit ashamed, like i was using him just for my own purposes. i mean, i always make us talk about me and my same old problems. he´s got a life of his own, changing his major to one he adores, finding a new apartment and moving in with his boyfriend. i do care, and should let him tell me about his problems insetad of just going on and on about mine. we chatted, played games, listened to cds and ate frozen pizza while waiting for analise to call. frozen pizza always reminds me of my first day ever in germany. i love how german frozen pizza has directions in 9 different languages on the back of the box. you would not believe how hard it is for an american to type "type frozen pizza" on a german keyboard. we walked downtown to go christmas shopping. finallz got in touch with analise and made plans to meet up with her.

baumschmuck

i woke up with meike again, but then i fell back asleep until 11! i think i may soon be on german time, and not bombay or whatever anymore. i painted a little, but then i realized that meike would be home soon and i haven´t left the house AGAIN, and so i put my key in my pocket and went out to wander. meike had left me a map, so i did´t worry about getting lost. there was a sign saying "Fußgangerbrüke" so i followed it. thought i might see water, but it just went over the Allee. on teh other side is the uni campus, where michi´s classes are. i wandered around. there was a sign for a pop art exhibit. i asked meike about it when i got home, and she said perhaps we´ll go there this week. she was there when i got home. we chatted and ate doritos. "cool ranch" is "cool american" here. then we headed off to kibo again. meike´s basketball party is tonight. i finally got online to type emails! that was when zou all got the first set of these. while meike was as the party, birgit and i worked hard- she prepared her english and french christmas units and i typed emails. then we made schwarz und weiß plätzchen where you make plain and chocolate dough and roll them out on top of each other, then roll them both up into a tube and slice it to make little spirals. und wir hat tannenbaum geschmuckt! the first time i was in germany i helped decorate the tree before i left. this time i´ll stay for the celebration!

korb-kugel-spiel

after meike came home, we went right to kibo to see her mom and go to her basketball game. she was so tired i didn´t think she´d make it to kibo, let alone have enough energy to play basketball. but she dropped me off at home on andreaestr. and her mutti fed me soup and asked me to help her grade some english tests. (her mom teaches highschool english and french) " i think that sometimes i don´t exisit for you." where does the "for you" go? i said "i feel sometimes you think i don´t exist" would be better, but it´s not a very direct translation. reflexive is always hard. when we went to the basketball game, one of birgit´s friends was there, and i felt that familiar shunned feeling- until i listened closely and found i could understand what they were talking about, oh, 50% of the time. it was just enough to assure me the rest of the time they weren´t talking about me. i occasionally made a comment in english to prove i was following along. i had to really concentrate though- i could either follow the game or the conversation, never both. vocabulary´s so funny. eis is ice cream, but it´s also ice on the roads. when i think "Korb" i imagine a wicker basket on the arm of a hausfrau in the grocery store with a leek sticking out of it- but it´s a basket in basketball, too! when we got home i helped birgit with dinner and more english. when meike came home, my mother called and we both talked to her and allie. we watched while you were sleeping with dinner. unfortunately, meike had bought it in kanada, and it was in english! oh well.
vocabulary:
teilen- to share
auszeit- time out
begeistert- enthusiastic

meikes schöne wohnung

it´s great, 2.stock, with a balkon, an american closet, an open kitchen and a bedroom. it´s all bright and yellow and orange- sunflowered and sponge painted. very meike. when ikea sorts things, vases or wrapping paper or whatever- i´m such a sucker for the green-blue-purple combination (see kitchen cabnets). meike is the red-orange-yellow version sort. that´s us, 2 completely different color schemes, but we both shop at ikea. we bonded in the bathroom about both having sparren undersink cabnet. we both took a nap, then michi called.* we ate dinner and looked at pictures, listened to christmas music. (i pod is currently named pearl. mom´s idea, since it´s pearlywhite, and it makes mine and allie´s a nice sisterly pair- ruby and pearl) i slept fitfully and woke up about 5. no clue as to what time it was. it seemed so dark, but i felt i´d been sleeping forever. when meike got up an hour later, i finally had a point of reference. she sounded like she was trying not to wake me in the kitchen, so i tried to say in german, "i´m not really asleep, zou can be loud" she said in english, "oh, i think it´s too early to be loud" and i tried to say in german "then your bread can be loud," cause i don´t know the word for toast. she laughed so i felt successful.
words of the day:
rolletreppe: escalator
rastalocken: dreadlocks
einschüchternd: intimidated

kultur

arriving was so exciting. all those ads in german! people will care about my crazy german obsessions! i love saying "entschuldigung!" when i bump into people. during that unending hour in the train station, i was surrounded by all those people in such a hurry, who all could communicate with each other by speaking german into their cell phones´- i have none of these things. (after mom bought me good rates here, i get no service. doesn´t it figure?) i want to live meike´s life in her little sunny apartment in grey germany. but i kept realizing no matter how hard i try, i can never be german. no matter how many americans think i´m crazy for cutting apart and resewing together all my pillowcases so they´ll fit my german pillow, for having a wasserkocher and drinking so much tee, for trzing to conserve water and electricity, and recycling; it will never be enough here, with their wierd toilets, wierd lightswitches, wierd money. Chris Rea´s driving home for chistmas came on FFH, and stefan the dj came on and talked in german about how the song was about driving home and visiting family for christmas. i felt so foriegn and started crying- what is wrong with me, that i am choosing to spend chrsitmas so far awaz from people who know me, in a place where even the christmas lights have bizzare plugs?

morgen allein

never did fall back asleep. what´s wrong with me? how can someone so tired lying in the dark for so long not sleep? took a lovely bath with this öl meike had been saving for me, her tub is huge and i almost got my book wet. turned on the radio while tidying up, and am listening to shtefan on ef-ef-ha.

sehr müde

so tired in the airport! customs line was long, but the pink haired official barely looked at me. i didn´t even get a stamp in my paßport. my suitcases were the first i saw in the baggage claim, and i was on my way. i found the right train, and i was amazed at how much i understood the conductor. i could tell which side the doors were going to open on. i understood when he said we´d be standing for a few minutes but hoped to be moving shortly. then there was an announcement where i thought he said "we´re not stopping at the mainz hbf and if zou want to got there zou need to get train s# on track # at this time" but i was tired and didn´t trust myself and didn´t believe it would skip over the hauptbahnhof, esp because the sign on the platform had said it would stop there. Well, wouldn´t you know, i ended up in wiesbaden. the wrong side of the river. had to take another train back. then i proceeded to make bad desiscions from arriving in mainz- i was sooo tired. i found the schließfacher sign pointing DOWNSTAIRS, and decided i was too tired to drag my suitcases down more stairs to store them for 2 hours and pay 1e for the privelege. so i schleped them with me all the way to the fachsnachtsbrunnen where i bought my favourite little breadstand roll, a laugenbrötchen (forgetting how VERY hard it is to say) and sat on a bench near the fountain to eat it. this is when it started to rain. wandered about trying to stay on familiar streets without cobblestones. got back to the trainstation at 10 to 2 and spent the next hour counting the minutes, falling asleep, shivering, waiting for meike to come tickle me.

air india

when last you heard from me, i was in chicago, too sick to move and lots of homework to do. now... well, as i write this, i´m in kirchheimbolanden, with my christmas cookie dough chilling in the refrigerator. thursday i only felt gross, a considerable improvement over wednesday. i went to mz first class and called in sick to the others, and to work. i returned my library books and went to the flowershop and said goodbye to ch and gave him his christmas gifts, and did the rest of my packing. i loaded as many albums as i could think of onto my ipod. left for the airport. arrived a little more than 2 hours before my flight left. well, the air india line was the whole way to the end of the terminal! it was crazy! all those indians and their fancy suitases! chatted with the beautiful girl in front of me in line. she rode the train with me to the airport and was on the same flight- i quickly learned thez were all on the same flight. there is only one flight. stops in frankfurt, bombai, and one more indian city. i was less worried after seeing how many people were behind me. it only took me 1 1/2 hrs to get to the check in counter. i was at the gate with all my baggage inspected before the scheduled take off. the plane was HUGE! double decker, 84 rows, i was 1/2 way back, 58. my seat mates were other single women, a girl transfering in frankfurt to spend a year working in istambul, and a phd student at UIC going home to bombai for xmas. before we even took off the adorable little purple and turquoise saried stewardess was passing out orange juice. the student told us the joke that on air india, they are always feeding you- they wake you up to feed you. it was true. after take off, we had our drinks and ''snack'' which was spicy and yummy, and will make me more adventurous next time i'm in a snackshop on devon. then dinner- yellow rice with cashews and rasins, pea and cauliflower curry, and these fried potato filling balls- will have to ask samir about this. by far the worst indian food i´ve ever had- but also the best airplane food i´ve ever had! after 3 mizerable hours of sleepless darkness, they really did wake us up to feed us breakfast! very continental fruit and crosant. the barf bag was beautiful too- printed with this fancy indian design. i brought one home with me.

"he's starting to recycle"

hey y'all! check out my blog! i'm getting comments! nothing a poor sniffly girl likes more than comments. the subject line's a text message between my mom and allie- mom's big example of how marty is changing, and she'll soon have him trained as well as the dog. we'll see. so glad to hear allie makes mom uncomfortable, too. it's not just neurotic worried little old me. most people's parents are pretty uncomfortable with "stuff like that" i guess. but probably other people's parents aren't such good resources. i mean, i recomend mom to friends with birth control problems. i guess it's just generational baby steps. again, look at my grandparents. i think grandma had "the talk" with mom by showing her the bra section of the sears catologe.
onto christmas markets: chicago actually does call theirs the "christkindlemarket" with that english propensity for vowels. it's all the little booths with the red and white striped tents, in "daleyplatz" downtown- all around the piccasso sculpture, in the shadow of the mies van der rohe buildings. the shops are exactly the same- cutwork lace, straw ornaments, the little wooden smoking people- it's crazy. there are a couple of places to buy beer and soft pretzels or potatoes in various forms (i've never understood the american view german=bavarian) but there is a glüwein stand, just what one needs in frigid windy chicago. i never seem to be able to finish mine before it gets cold. and there's few things nastier than cold glüwein. they have the liebkuchen hearts of course. almost bought one for ruth, who lives in nürnberg. but it seemed the joke wasn't worth lugging it so far, worrying about it breaking. we were gonna have our "company christmas party" (ie, charles and i going out) after work today, but i'm unfortunately to sick to move. there's certanly practically a culture of stories involving getting drunk at the holiday party at work. i thought this was a stupid amerian thing. funny the things that are universal.
meike lives in a tiny town outside of mainz. she won't be able to meet me in the morning when my plane comes in, so i'll take the train to the mainz bahnhof and meet her there in the afternoon. where else but in europe can you say, "coming out of the train stations there are 5 streets, take the 2nd from the right..." bit different than chicago's grid system. if i had more time, and now, if i wasn't so sick, was thinking of taking a daytrip up to köln to meet jamie. if for no other reason than to beg her for a copy of high july (have i mentioned they have to print more and my copy won't come till after the new year?) but my time with meike and michi will be so short as it is. i would be able to take daytrips from ruth's after i've recovered and when she's working, but that's much to far to be a daytrip. but perhaps some other time. i try to be a frequent traveler to europe. we're already making plans to watch christmas movies, i hope it works out. i love watching wärend du schlafst in german, and i hear michi has national lampoon's xmas vacation, too. i'm taking mine. how lovely, to be curled up under a fluffy decke with my friends watching christmas movies in german.

sick

god, i'm so sick. i can't be, but i am. it started yesterday in classes. drenched a hankerchief during text analysis. drank so much water during fashion history. on the way to work at the costume shop, bought some dayquil, some nyquil, and a big box of tissues. was counting the hours before i could go home. got sympathy from my therapist. she thinks i have too much stress and scarry work too. came home and started working on the list. packed, called grandma, called aunt janet, thanked them for the xmas gifts. slept fitfully all last night then woke up this morning too weak to move. couldn't make myself get to work. called off, called g and asked her if she would go to walgreens for me. and she did. this is why i want to keep her so badly as a friend. she comes over with more drugs and ginger ale and crackers and cough drops. then she pulls out a little stuffed lizard she got to keep me company. she pours me so me some ginger ale, and asks if she can have some too. then she comes into the sickroom and sits down with our ginger ale and says i'll just drink this with you, then i'll wash your dishes. !!!! and she did. can you imagne the weight that is lifted from my shoulders? i absolutely will be able to make it to germany knowing that my dishes are done. i've slept on and off all afternoon. i have no idea how this is going to all work out. i have faith that it will though. what is my other option? stay home? no way! i'm so glad meike is a kinderkrankenschwester and will take care of me when i arrive. uggh. if i live that long.

wasted time

72 hrs. left and what am i doing? printing out papers for class tomorrow? doing very necessary research for my show? mailing back the rebate for my printer my mother needs me to do before i leave? of course not. i'm replying to one of those stupid questionaires ruth send me. you know, what's your name fave toothpaste flavor color of your car etc. in german. i've been online an hour and a half. this is crazy. i was gonna pack tonight. figure out how i'm gonna get all her frosting to germany. now it's nearly bedtime. and i've done nothing. eaten dinner. wow. haven't even updated my blog readers. mom left today, so now i can get packing for my trip. ch made me feel really bad. he was angry at me for yet again bringing up how mom's favourite movie is chocolat and we dis her for it. why can i remember everything about ch's life and nothing about mine? he was angry at me last time she was here and i did this. why can't i remember? he also thinks she's different- relationships do change people. haven't gotten a chance to see what it is he's noticed. perhaps at the company christmas dinner wednesday night. i can't even remember what i've written and what i haven't. yesterday mom and i went shopping. all the way up north to waxmans for candles. we went to su van's for lunch. i haven't been there since they moved, and it was SO nice. their veggie chili is AMAZING! and still just $3 for a bowl. anyone in chicago must eat there! we met g downtown. she was late showing up, so mom and i went shopping in borders. i'm so embarrassed. it's not hard for me to boycott starbucks or walmart. but borders i have a hard time with. it's so tempting! we bought me christmas dvds- it's a wonderful life, miracle on 34th st, and the muppets christmas carol. joe finally dropped g off, and she was walking to meet us when i was stopped by the channel 7 news people. they saw my wonderful hat and wanted to ask me person on the street type questions about the wind. it was pretty mundane. g and mom and i wandered around christkindlmarket, drinking our glüwein and chatting. my mother is such a chatter. she just adores small talk. she seemed to get along well with g. being my mother, i bet she's prolly figured out my crush on her. my sexualty is pretty much a nonsubject, though. i wonder what makes her so uncomfortable? (perhaps she isn't. it could very likely just be me. but assuming she is...) granted, i can't imagine her or anyone else talking to her parents about sex. (if anyone can get babies from a cabbage patch, it's my grandparents). but it's pretty much been my mom's job for a long time to talk to girls about sex. perhaps she's better in spanish at this point? she gave me the line that it's just as wierd to think about your kids sexuality as it is your parents. but i don't think it's cause i'm her daughter- she doesn't seem to have any problem working my sister about birth control. perhaps she doesn't want me to be thinking about her fucking marty? but that's not because she's my mom- i don't like to think about the freaks ch fucks either. on that thought- i don't want to skip over coming home and watching a movie and ch calling and saying i WAS on the news, but- you'll never guess who called me tonight! r. yes that's right, of ch&r. he was in a fabric shop in pilsen and thougth of me. he was raving about it. it was totally wierd. it's like he wants to still be connected in my life, he kept saying, it's not like i dissapeared. but it is, for me. he and i had nothing i common besides our love for ch. and now that he and ch aren't together, i don't know why he would want me in his life. esp. as i'm so very inclined to take sides- and the the side i'm definately taking in this one is ch's. however, it's always nice to know of new fabric shops in the city. i wasn't rude to him particularly. it was just super wierd. can't wait to tell ch.

guys and dolls

i was gonna be such a worker today. so i can play tomorrow. then anne called, then meike called. oh well. at least i got the paper written. mom's great at cutting people out of magazines for the stupid fashion notebook. if i could only get someone to do my research for sweet water taste. god, i can't believe i have to meet with frances again tuesday. so mom and i went to see guys and dolls tonight. the show i didn't assist in. it was really good. it was fun to tell mom everything i'd made as it walked on stage. glad to go with another pro-40s-musical person. rachel, a knitter in my theater history class was there- she was the lighting designer. she looked SO sexy, in this slinky halter dress- but then when i saw her at intermision, i saw it was pants not a dress. that made it seem a little bit more like her... i was gonna introduce mom to her, but then she was talking to the guy she was with. then she smiled at him, reached her arms around his head, and kissed him! i couldn't believe it! she was living with her girlfriend last year! girls are so wifty about their sexuality! even at this point, i'd feel a little ashamed dating a boy i think. but i also can't IMAGINE dating a boy at this point. did i tell you all i called justine friday night to try and cheer her up after her bad and lonely day? she and i had a really awesome talk, and i hope she felt as energized and connected as i did after it. anyway, one of the things she mentioned was how wonderful samir is, and how glad she was for allie, and how she'd want him if he wasn't allie's. now granted samir is the perfect guy (well, perhaps he could learn to pack lighter, but still) but i don't even want a guy like samir. i'll leave the samirdouble to justine. it's odd, sometimes, what can make you feel like a lesbian. i guess it's no wierder than the things that remind you of your childhoood, or your dead grandmother. or whatever it is that my laundry soap smells like. mom did laundry for me friday (i leave thursday!!! that's like in 4 days!!!) and the towels drying above the heater smelled like it. what is it? i had this vision of being at this big party and a girl walking by in this sexy blue dress, and me catching a whiff of her, and saying to whoever i'm with, "who was that? i have to meet her! i'm going to spend the rest of my life with that woman! she smells like THAT- it's the feeling my laundry detergent gives me!" i guess perhaps this woudn't be a good thing to pass onto my admirerers. i can see the guy who likes me in my text analysis class hearing about it, and i'd smell it on him, and think, shit he must be the one, and then have to date a BOY. eww. i'll leave em to rachel.

partiette

everyone was in a bad mood with opening of guys and dolls on thursday, so mom didn't get the good side of anyone when she came to the costume shop. when we came home we had a nice dinner (i'd had the crock pot going) and she started on the dishes. while i was at work all day she cleaned my apartment. i had a nasty produciton meeting, and then mom and i met at marshall fields (she needed more madea and she doesn't have a pa source for north american remedies) and then went to charles's for pizza. he got broccoli and garlic for me. how charming. no one ever buys broccoli unless i beg for it. i love being known. i felt kinda out of it- mom's such a good small talker, i just sat back like in highschool and listened to her engage charles. funny, as opposed to other friends who i feel i have to buffer between them. mom and ch would get along just fine without me. lovely to come home to a clean appartment. worth any trouble of having a guest.
if i would have posted last night, i would have entitled it "end of an era." i threw away my german toothbrush that i've had for 4 years. don't get worried- it's the kind you change the heads on. but i've been having a harder and harder time finding the heads, and when mom was in europe in the spring, she couldn't find them at all and bought me a new replaceable head toothbrush and a year's worth of heads. it feels like such a major change.
lots of dreams last night. dreamed the same one twice, variations on a theme- it's thursday, mom's still here in the first one, i'm not at work or school, but i realize- i'm going to germany, have to leave in a few hours! so i'm frantically trying to pack... it was good use of REM i think. i now have a whole mental list of things to pack, and not forget. i'm definately doing a good enough job at the countdown i won't need to worry about forgetting how soon it's coming.
i'm gonna try and work all day tomorrow and get it done so we can have fun on sunday. i invited g to christkindlmarkt. so mom and i and she and joe and her roommate jess may all go. as always with g, we'll see what happens.
to allie- got pam and marty books- pam a fiction one that's popular and highly recomended, and marty a little one on feng shui. hopefully no offence will be taken. thanks for the encouragement, though.

off again

so, mom comes tomorrow. i don't think i'll be able to post.... again. it was luck that gave me my own room with the computer over thanksgiving, so i don't think i'll get such an opertunity in my very own (very small) home. got work done last night after i posted, but still have so much to do before friday. no energy. same old story. g wrote be back a very cold email. "finals are not over for me as of thursday. i will most certainly be frantically finishing things up as on friday! ugh. but it's
unavoidable. and then i will have to recover for a day. worst finals week ever. at least joe has volunteered to take carolyn to the airport at 5AM saturday. i wasn't saying i wouldn't see you before we left. i just wanted to know when you'd be back." ouch. i deserved it, though. still don't think i'll see her, but we'll see. allie's xmas gift came in the mail today! i'm just waiting for some stuff from the bookstore, and i have a few places to go to w/ mom, but i'm almost finished with my shopping. what in the world does one get a stepfather one doesn't like very much? see you all soon. promise.

time sucked students

looks like ruth will be writing her ba the whole time i'm there. no different from being here- g sent me an email saying she wouldn't be able to see me till i come back from germany. yeah, her ba proposal is due friday, but her bf comes home thursday, so apparently once he's here there's no time for me between then and when i leave next thursday. grrr. not that i'm bitter or anything. come on, though. i'm a student, too. along with all these nasty classes i'm still working 30 days a week. and i'm making time for her. of course, she's making time for him. it's me who gets shafted. it's like me being too busy to ever get around to seeing jen. there's just not that drive. falling asleep sun. i realized that i was more behind than i thought- i had a paper due tuesday i had forgotten about. so after work monday i went to the library to do research and came home and wrote the stupid thing. i was so bitter. was gonna bitch about it here, but there was a problem with blogger and i couldn't post. and it doesn't get any better. still haven't done a bit of research or sketching for sweet water taste. haven't written the thesis and outline for thursday. haven't done a thing tonight but make dinner and read books. i suppose making dinner is an accomplishment. haven't done that since the caulflower curry i took to g all those weeks ago. it's crazy. i used to cook all the time. now i just throw my money away at restaurants or boil in a bag indian boxed dinners or frozen perogies or whatever. don't have the energy to do anything after work or school- not till i get a decent amount of sleep over the weekend. i'm gonna have to find the energy this week though. there's alot due before this weekend. and even more before my plane leaves a week from thursday. 9 days. god.

the other side

Well. so thursday was so awful, and friday a slight climb upwards. well, yesterday was the manic side of it. i felt amazing. i met with jen for about an hour, then did all my christmas shopping on michigan ave. then i went to work, made the arrangement, delivered it, and headed home. i was listening to my new ipod, and had that glorious feeling of being in a movie- being blessed enough to live in a big city. looking cool, spending money, the soundtrack of my life playing in my ears. i love it. when the bus dropped me off to meet jen it was right by millenium park and the rink's open. i love that feeling of flying- mom and i will have to go skating when she comes next weekend. if a girl owns ice skates, she should use them, no? paid my rent, depostited my paycheck. the people at the opera house said that my arrangement was beautiful- and they liked my hair. what more could a girl ask for? drug my purchases home- and the sun was setting as i left the sears tower. it was so gorgeous- these little strips of vibrant colors, pink and orange and blue, bordered by the black of the skyscrapers' silloettes.
then last night ch was having a housewarmning/christmas/smash&grab with stacey in town party. g and i went! it's finals week for her, so that makes her whiny, and she's starting to seriously worry about writing her BA. so i was sure she was gonna wimp out. esp. when she called and said, how bout i drive? but no, we went, and she actually met the ellusive johnny b! so now everyone believes he exists. he's beleived by all now, i think. the party totally rocked. such a wierd combo of people. i was sure there'd be alot of spanish, but everyone stuck to english mostly- there was this guy oscar there who did an amazing job of translating for the spanish speakers. i looked fabulous, of course, with big hair and false eyelashes and my best black dress and my best black shoes... and red fishnets. g and i are a great pair going out, because i'm such a spectacle, and she's so hot... i'd look lame beside her if i wasn't so wild, and she'd be bland next to me if she wasn't so beautiful, so imagine us arriving at a party together! it was a wierd dynamic also being so very out there... i don't know if jim or johnny b or his boyfriend knew that i was gay before, but they do now. g was the only straight one, and she handled it very well. i guess i'm used to her-or whoever- being on my side at such parties, since i always feel like i stick out more by gender rather than sexual orientation. but there were 3 of us girls there, and she was in good company as far as people who like guys go, so perhaps she didn't feel uncomfortable being the only straight one there. she actually commented to me when everyone was talking about hot guys, "wow, this must be hard for you, at least i like guys too..." like she had just had this big moment of epiphany. i would blow it off like, well duh, but then i realized that having stacy there who likes girls was probably influencial in my feeling so out- there is so rarely an outlet for me to talk about girls. i certainly don't know any unmarried straight guys, and who else would talk about girls? i think we stuck out most by being so very young. and inexperienced. not that anyone is experienced compared to gay men, but christians in their early 20s are pretty close to the bottom of that list. we tended to tell other people's stories rather than our own. agan, worried a bit about g, but i knew she could handle it- she certainly had a good time- we stayed till 3. i was so shocked and pleased. thought stacey trying to come on to her would make her uncomfortable, or being so young and straight, but she as always was cooler than i am. and of course, everyone at the party adored her. she makes gay boys bi, she makes confirmed bachelors hum wedding marches, she makes felines wish they were human. it makes me confused- how can one person be so hot?- but also feel more confident- no wonder i'm in love with her, it's forgivable, everyone else is, to some extent, too. well, perhaps not allie and samir. but given a chance i bet they'd fall too.

cozy

well. i've gotten 2 calls today from faithful blog readers to make sure i'm ok. how more loved can one feel? it's been another long day, but it got a bit raucus at the end when stacy appeared- it was terrible fun. before that, jim and ch were delivering the balloons (have you ever seen 2 people carry 160 balloons? it's quite a sight) and the museum closed at 4 so stacy came back and she and i were alone in the shop. we had a delightful talk about ch. it's nice to chat with someone who adores him like i do. and to get her take on r, and the breakup and such. ch and stacy and i went to boni vino afterwork. that was another really rocking thing. somehow with stacy i'm so out- it's like i'm in philly w/ leah and dana. she and johnny b are my fave friends of ch's. they are such cool people i'd like them to be my friends on their own. it kinda kicked me out of my mood remenants... that and it being the weekend! not that i have free time. so much schoolwork. but even g canceling tonight couldn't get me down, and i'm sure i'll see her tomorrow night, and i got unpacked Finally, and my old computer all packaged up. if i could just recycle the newspapers, i could have a party. oh, and i need to finish putting up the xmas decorations! still no word on the storm windows. still a chill blowing through my apartment. i get so hot in the real world, cause as soon as i crawl out of bed i crawl into my flannel petticoat and wool socks. i can't afford to leave my heat on all day though! brrrrrr. not very cozy. and my hot water bottle has a leak. keeps my feet warm... but damp. wish i could just go to the apoteke and get a new one. i don't know if i can wait 2 weeks for a new one. i leave in 2 weeks! how can that be! to jamie: americans don't know who janosh is. they don't even know what hot waterbottles are! but we do have dr. seuss who is not just cute but rhymes, too. i have to sign off. i'v been typing this and uploading mp3s for over 2 hrs now. and iming. mom got ichat to work. so now her kitty can talk to my duck. how charming.

breakdown

it's been a bad, bad day. after all the online problems last night, i realized as i was falling asleep that i didn't have the paper due today printed out. so i woke up early to take care of that- installing the printer software on the new computer, etc. it printed out my bibliography before jamming. i can't get it to take up the paper correctly. i flipped out. was screaming, crying, swearing. kicking things, throwing paper, throwing my breakfast (bagel) against the walls. didn't know what to do. finally showed up at class 20 min late with the last 3 pages of the paper. kept tripping over the phone cord strung across my appartment, and so just plugged it into the back of the new computer. somehow, that fixed the online problem, so now i'm typing on the new computer. and more importantly, it let me email my essay to myself so that i could retrieve it someplace that doesn't have a printer that's a piece of shit. was bitter, bitter. when i arrived in my next class i was so tired. sean (the professor) said good morning to me and i grunted. it was rather rude. i wasn't prepared, hadn't done the reading, didn't participate in the discussion, and it was 80 degrees in the classroom. i took off my long sleeved shirt and my shoes. didn't think i could survive text analysis. it's brecht. no way could i sit through epic play discussion. i can't even finish mother courage and her children. so i skipped, walked all the way to the english building on congress, the only computer lab i know still takes the old universal print cards. so i printed the paper out there and walked back to the 600 building to put it in my professor's mailbox. i didn't know what to do then. go back to class? go home and climb under my duvet? go to belmont and get another piercing? i decided to just go to the theater annex and read my book and eat my soup and see how i felt. then it hit me- i forgot to bring a spoon. i couldn't eat my lunch. this was the breaking point- and i called my mother. it's just that feeling of not knowing what else to do. of needing someone else to acknolage me and my paranoia. i need to grow out of this. i need to handle things myself. i got a plastic spoon from a coffee shop. i ate my soup and felt a little better. went to work at the costume shop, and that was good- people (and people who i like) being forced to relate to me. jared told me i'm not his assistant anymore. i've been a totally sucky assistant, and haven't done a thing, and have felt totally guilty about it. and he was polite, but still, it hurts, you know? didn't say a word to risha all day- too much effort to make conversation with anyone. but we walked out together. and she's like where are you going? when we get outside. she offers me a ride- so i have her drive me to the bus stop. we talked about christmas. she's turning 21 right after it. i told her i'd take her out. what is it me with the young curly headed ones? called mom back as i promsed her i would. it turned really really awful. more damn marty talk. i know i need to be more openminded or forgiving or whatever. this is NOT the day to talk about it. i finally burst into tears ( this is the 4th time today- over the printer, on michigan ave, over my soup and this) and say, "i can't talk about this today i'll call you back sometime later goodbye." the bus driver looked up and asked me. "are you ok?" it was totally sweet and caring. i had a really nice chat with him. gave me back faith in humanity, that there really are intimate strangers out there who give a damn. mom texted me to call back and she promsed not to talk about marty. i said i'd call her after dinner, and that's what i did. whatever. i need to get OVER it. i need to figure out what the frock's wrong with me and how i'm supposed to live my life. there's so, so much to do and i want to do so very little of it. i called g last night, about lack of internet connection, this morning about printing out my paper- she called back when i was talking to mom mid-day. i texted her that i was to mizerable to have anything to do with, but would still hang out with her tomorrow if she wanted to. then we have ch& stacey (who's visiting him for the breakup and move from co.) 's smash n' grab party on sat. night. i don't know how to balance this fun with my schoolowork, and my basic downtime of blogging and cooking. i just need to go to bed. after i wake up tomorrow, i won't have to do it again for 2 days. there's hope there somewhere.

the most depressing thing

so i was feeling down anyway, right? ch was moving and so i worked all by myself today, there were icicles falling off the sides of buildings, ch came here while i was at work and took micho away, and i was late to my counciling session (10 free as a columbia student) and she cut me off. i mean, how low is that, when your therapist cuts you off? got amy's voice mail, and she actually called me back, providing a little human contact. however, she couldn't use up daytime minutes if i was doing ok, and my new toy is broken. there is something wrong with my new computer's modem. aol's tech guy, reading off his screen in india, was not able to fix it. apple help isn't open. there is nothing that depresses me more than not being able to get online. esp. when i know there's an email from g awaiting me... she didn't answer her voicemail either. but now i'm signed on and i won't see her till friday. currently i'm typing in the dining room on the old computer with the phone cord on extentions draped all the way across the room. it would be nice if more than one of my phone jacks worked. fuck it all. i'm going to bed.