better

was goth today- all black clothes at work. ch was in a bad mood too, rafael's been annoying him again- phone calls, email epics. while i was sad ch wasn't able to cheer me up, i'm glad i wasn't feeling giddy and his mood brought me down. we were very clear and careful with each other, and got through the day togehter. and honestly, i was feeling better. after signing off last night i took a bath- i was able to crack my lush insomnia bath bomb in half and that made me happy as i can use it twice. so i climbed into my bath with a bath bomb and my vintage lesbian pulp fiction and my pint of godiva ice cream, and i sucked one of amy's mood drops, and i took lots of flower remedies (gentian, which inspires a positive additude when you feel discouraged or despondent due to setbacks; gorse, which encourages a brighter, more positive perspective when you have no hope left; hornbeam, which restores energy when you are mentally weary, procrastinate, and doubt your ability to face the task ahead; and larch, which instills a greater sense of self-esteem when you feel inferior, fear failure, or lack confidence) then got a pretty good night's sleep. so i was doing everything i could think of to free myself from this mood. but i knew after work today, i'd have to go to the costume shop dinner. i guess lots of people this year ruined costumes and had to pay for them, so we had extra in our fund and got to go out as a big group. i had a dream last night that i was stitting on the end next to frances, and it was awful, and i couldn't stand it anymore and left to go to the bathroom. and i had a little breakdown, and pam eventually came to find me, and i said i couldn't go back to the table, if she could tell them i'd gotten sick and bring me my bag i'd just leave.
it actually turned out to be ok. everyone but michelle was there when i arrived, and there was one seat left on the end. it was kinda segregated, with the students at one end and the professors at the other, and the empty seat was at the professors end, but i sat next to jackie and across from tom. jackie was between me and frances, and though she wanted to switch so i'd be closer to the students, i refused. she told lovely homey stories, and patty too, so that was nice, and i did feel connection with the other end of the table. pam and i made a date to paint next thursday, and chris is coming over for dinner next monday. look at me, making friends with my classmates! tom was great, too- he asked what i was doing this weekend, and i said renderings, and he said, "oh, yes, that's right" sympathetically. then he told me all kinds of encouraging things, like my renderings are fine, ,they'd be able to build from them in the shop, and although they are not the end all and be all, they are a good place for me to be at this point in my journey, and i'm still learning and i just need practice, but i'll get that without trying too hard. isn't that sweet?
it was my mom's birthday today- 50. i sent her some plants, hoping i wouldn't have to talk to her while depressed, but they never got there. she called when i got home. luckily i was pleased that the costume dinner had gone well, and i'd had a bit to drink there, and so i was prepared to talk to her. she ended up giving me an in, and i decided i was feeling good enough and healthy enough to go for it, so i launched into my tale of woe. i go through it all, the crying in the bathroom, the ripping up of the painting, and she says, "well, aren't you glad you got a good night's sleep last night?"

this is the epitome of my mother. can we say PAINFULLY optimistic? i'm SO glad i didn't call her yesterday. but we ended up having a good talk. aparently her boss at widow finney's was just as much a bitch as frances- and what's most facinating to me is- about the same thing: lack of attention to detail. it's always nice to know i'm not the only person in the world who's not a perfectionist. but with her, meanness inspires her- she gets an "i'll show them!" attitude, and goes to nursing school or joins the team or whatever. whereas i'm more like, maybe they're right. i'm probably not good enough. i should probably stop trying so hard. poor me. i'm trying to get up the energy to say "i'll show her!" to frances, and find a fucking figure drawing class.
but god, it's gonna be hard.