the wedding

feels like it's been a long time- i don't miss posting often. it makes me proud- i always love being busy enough on weekends not to blog, makes me feel like i have a life. when i got to work saturday morning i already had everything so neatly organized i just started wiring orchids with my nervous energy. my ride arrived right when i started to worry, and they did have a big car- no problems with fitting the garland box in. i didn't really know how to direct people so i ended up setting up myself, which was fine, i had plenty of time. it did look really nice. i hope my pics turn out. g came, driving joe's car. she was a help, if it was anyone else i would be mad at her for her lack of emotional support, and how she left right after the wedding and decided not to go to the reception. but she has her own vineyard ghosts to exorsize, i can''t expect her comfort with mine. and along with ghosts, for me there were also old friends. all those people who live all over the world who were the reason i moved to hyde park, why i stuck with the hyde park vineyard for almost 5 years. when i was starting talking about the flowers here, i realized no one who i've given this address to reads here. then i remembered- christie. she knows i'm out. she's mairee's friend...or at least jon is dave's friend. so that gave me alot of confidence. the wedding was bad- afterwards there were all these people who were like, hey, where've you been, i haven't seen you in a few weeks? and i wasn't falsley self depricating, or cruel, saying, a few weeks? try a year? haven't you noticed? but i was straightforward, looking them in the eye, saying, "i've been in hyde park."

i sometimes think i've forgotten how to deal with babies, but there was this great moment at the reception after i'd redistributed all the flowers and was finally free, and could get something to eat. i was ladleing my drink and i hear a knee high voice say "chuse" and there's lily, holding her cup. i was glad to see her as that meant christie was there. so i poured her juice, and felt like a baby recognixed my comfort with her. i do better with something to do. i tend to ignore beings who can't make conversation. it's not a prejudice against babies in particular. i hung out with christie and lily mostly at the reception, i think she was glad to have an adult keep her company.

the reception was better. the truely rediculous had left, and the people who i've missed where there. however, it seemed i had to keep explaining over and over the story of not being a christian anymore. it's very exhausting to me. the whole thing was. the nostalgia, for this community but also for the way i used to feel about jesus, and love. i'm so jaded. i had such bitterness in my heart, knowing that this was what mairee had been longing for so long, and here is the production, and it's just the way it should be. they believe all this religious stuff, so the service makes sense in the concept of mairee and dave. and knowing it will never be this way for me. i will never again have such focused devotion to god. we sang blessed be, the song that taunted me when i was loosing my faith. it's a good verse then a bad verse, about always praising god: "Blessed Be Your name/ When I'm found in the desert place / Though I walk through the wilderness / Blessed Be Your name / Every blessing you pour out / I'll turn back to praise / When the darkness closes in / Still I will say / Blessed be the name of the Lord...Blessed be Your name / On the road marked with suffering / Though there's pain in the offering / Blessed be Your name...you give and take away / You give and take away / My heart will choose to say/ Lord Blessed be your name"

and the idea of finding your True Love. first i don't know if i believe it, true love always and forever, i want to desperately, but i'm not sure i do. i can't really imagine that happening to me. to either find someone who fits all my exacting standards... or to find someone i feel so pasionately about i don't mind setting aside all my exacting standards for. (but never the bacon thing. i will compromise on much, but never the bacon thing.) and no matter how much i live in denial, lets face it, that person's not gonna be a guy. the whole me in the white dress with my 4 best friends and sister flanking me in blue dresses and orchids while my beloved is in his tux with his groomsmen is not gonna happen. if nothing else, how could i get married without ch being one of my attendants? (and let me tell you, the day i'm supposed to look my most beautiful i will NOT be wearing white!) the thing that hurts the most about the future is the thought that i'll never have that congregation of adoring friends and family from all over the world, looking up at me with love and approval. if i would ever manage to stand up there with a guy, i'd be feeling "this isn't me, they're all sending their adoration to someone i'm not, i'm using him for approval, a passport, his money or cooking skills or something." and if i stood up there with a girl, i would feel all those disaproving vibes, that this couldn't be true love, that this is wrong, that the're here to let me know they'll love me through my stupid decisions and to pick up the pieces when such a doomed love is bound to fail. the only time i'm ever gonna be in front of everyone who knows me from all over the world, and they'll all be united in unconditonal love for me, surrounded with flowers, is at my funeral. and i won't be around there to enjoy it. i guess other florists talk about what kind of flowers they want at their weddings... ch and i do discuss funeral flowers (he wants arabicum and eremerus. i want viburnum and alium... i better die in the spring...) i guess it's macabre, but perhaps that's just the plight of gay society...

anyway, i had a few good conversations at the reception. sarah v was there, who i was so happy to see. she was the first christian i ever talked about my sexuality with. i had such a nice long uninterupted conversaton with her- quite a feat at a wedding. she amazes me by asking about the same old thing with totally different questions, questions that take so much thought and i never feel quite able to answer sufficiently. discussing my loss of faith was totally different with her than anyone else. she also asked me an awesome question, what do you miss most? and i said the community, and everyone getting together once a week to sing. i never sing in public anymore, just my home and the back of the flowershop. i want to become friends with her again, even though she's in boston.

another amazing interaction was with one of dave's friends, james, mairee's exboyfriend. he was so real in the way he said he missed me, and noticed i was gone, and asked such real questions, and gave such satisfying excuses. he's such a kind person, and not a pothead. he was the one that got us tickets to the indigo girls show at the metro. i think i want to be friends with him, too, but i don't know how to be friends with straight boys. the pressure is rather on, as he lives in chicago.

there were a couple i was sad about, nan didn't come to the reception, claudius always surprises me with his coldness, and mairee's little sister... i don't know how to be friends with her, maybe she's not looking for friends, especially not far away ones her sister's age, but there is something in my heart that just calls for her. i see something of me in her, perhaps, and i know how much i needed someone like my current self in my life then, and i wanna be that person for someone else. you know, a grownup who thinks i'm cool and beautiful and turning into an amazing person, and encourages me to do the things my parents hate, but is wiser than my friends, and has an appartment in a far away city... it all comes back to the nields' this town is wrong- "you only need your toothbrush, 50 bucks, that velvet shirt that brings you luck, the voice that's your mother's investment. by morning will be long gone, on the run, city bound, i know someone, i'm sure we can stay at her apartment." i wanna be that someone.

anyway, christie and jon gave us a ride home, and i was too exhausted to be much of a friend to anne. i felt like i wasn't making very good use of our precious time together. but it was fine. funny to have her stay here- i stayed at her apartment so many times when i was flying out of o'hare or shooting the movie on the northwest side. today she went to church and i putzed around the house, then we went north and she saw my new place and we met her brother for dinner. there was a moment, and it's that moment that i hate, it was like my mom on the bus ride home from charles' party last year. when i know i'm not gonna come out to her, there's just no way it's gonna happen this trip. and if anne is the most likely christian i'll tell, where does that leave me?

it leaves me in a place where i should stop worrying so much, stop being so obsessive, and trying to organize other peoples lives and my own emotions. that's where it leaves me!