life is short

the butterfly boucher song is playing in my head. long day at work today, so so tired. could barely keep my eyes open. don't know what's going on with ch, if he just had a headache or if it was something bigger. but there were numerous tense moments. example- he's all obsessed with anna nalick right now, and one was playing, all power chords without alot of dynamics, and he said, "i think this should be her next single." and i say, "i think the other one should be, the bird one, um, like, everything will be ok, fly little bird away..." and he gives me this disparaging look and says "i don't think she sings anything about birds." he thinks it's the hit, breathe, and i say no of cousre not, and finally i get the lyrics, and it IS paper bag, and the lyric is "it'll be okay, fly little BEE away" which i think is pretty damn close. but maybe he was just feeling fragile, cause earlier someone came on and i looked at itunes to see who it was, and ch said, "i really like this new moby album" and i could say, "um, it's not moby." he listened for a moment and and recognized it as snow patrol, but i still got in my moments of schadenfreude. during his breakup, he texted me lots of song lyrics, including ana teroja's "tan fragil como el cristal" and i think it's often appropriate- that played today, too, btw.
talking with both g and ch about michigan womyn's music festival was helpful. g was like, "but how would you feel if you were all by yourself there?" and i'm like, well, lots of people seem to go by themselves. it's more being surrounded by people who know each other and are exclusive than being alone. i don't expect leah to follow my every move, but i know whatever the situation she'll be kind to me. then ch... god, it's so wonderful, he's so male sometimes. my mother used to be the one to give me perspective in my life, but now she doesn't really care. but she's so fast to give advise, and ch you have to actively ask for it, usally. anyway, i tell him the situation, and he asks, "what are your options?" so instead of saying i could go or i couldn't, i surprise myself and tell him my transport options- hitching a ride, flying, train. i guess i really do want to go, regardless of company. i try and backpetal to less-definate-plan ground, and say, "so i guess the big question is do i want to camp with all of her friends who don't like me?" "how do you know they don't like you?" he asks. "cause they don't wanna roadtrip with me!" i say. he laughs at me, and says, "um, i think this is something you should discuss with your councellor, not with leah's friends." it was good confirmation to me that that part of my brain is being a whiny bitch and i should ignore her. plus, i think it's always good advice to ignore g and do what ch recomends- it's always worked for me in the past.
i've been reading chicklit lately, lesbian brain trash mostly. so that and talking to g about her roommate's engagements has me thinking alot about relationships. i've never been in a relationship (of the romantic sort, i mean, and my qualification is to like each other and hold hands together) but i think i know who i'd be- the clingy one, the one loves the other too much, and is too jelous, and eventually drives them away. it's a poplar theme. i can't imagine loving someone and growing old and finding them unsexy. i don't think i have it in me to be the type to withold sex to get what i want. you would always be able to win me over saying life is short- you don't know what tomorrow will bring- is it worth it? a long time ago when i was whining about being lonely, g said she thought i was the kind of person who didn't date around but when i found the right person, i would know, and boom, it would be first and only together forever. i wonder if she still thinks that of me now that she knows i'm not looking for boys anymore? while it's a novel idea, i still kinda waffle between my past philosphy from church- "one of my spiritual gifts is singleness" and future one from kissing jessica stein, "i don't believe in that "the one" stuff anymore... i think there's more like...um...seven."