stupid process

i've had an exhausting day, again. i hate how much of my brainpower this stupid show takes up. i wish i could be as confident as laura, who is sure that i will do fabulous. there's such a long journey from here to the end though. there's so very many steps to fabulous. and i take it all so fucking personally.

i asked laura out last night. i know it's silly that it's taken this long, as z, ch, g and a didn't have to wait nearly as long, but now it's official. laura shall be l, from here on out. you know i am always i, and so i and l will not be confused, regardless of this font's lack of serifs. and now the germans are back, with fabulous pictures from their journey, which i will post tomorrow. or the next day. or after tech. i WILL live that long. there is so much fun stuff to do when it ends!

anyway, about my fucking process. ( i hate these assignments) i sit down and i type. that's about it. no, i brood for a long time first. and ficition seems to be different than papers. i don't have much fiction experience. for non fic, i think. then i do my research. then i think, much longer. i think about the subject, how it goes together, how i will organize it. then i start at the beigining and write to the end. occasionally things need to be moved around. when i'm done writing, i stop, and walk away. hopefully overnight, but if don't have that much time, at least a few hours. then i spell check it, edit it, and read it through. then i mail it to my mother, who catches all the mistakes i missed, and the sentences that go on much too long. fiction i think usally deserves more rewriting, but i so rarely have time. but if i do enough thinking first, i find the writing easy for the most part. the important thing is to keep going, i know, but i don't usally find it hard to get back in the rhythm if i get out, so occasionally i will get hung up getting just the right word. (i know what it is, it sounds like elaborate, but it means something biggger....or whatever) but i don't do that every word, and if i start to get bogged down, i'll just put what i want it to be in parenthesis and move on to what i can write, then come back.

i'll drink tea when i'm writing, sometimes, but usally i just try and push through. i don't think about being hungry, it's not like drawing or painting, where i have to have my cookies or crackers and tea. although, i love having munchies. i would love to eat chexmix or pretzels and drink coke the whole time i'm writing. but i won't be drinking coke at night you know, and i never have munchies around- unless i'm planning on writing a term paper!! so it's not like sewing where i forget to eat, and i don't notice how hungry i am cause i'm in the zone. it's more lilke reading, where i go to the kitchen still reading, not noticing that i'm eating. or i feel hungry, but food will be my reward when i hit page 7 or something.

oh, and music. i don't type well to silence, but i also can't type well to anything with words. i start singing along, it's bad. i have new cds now that i can type to- the marty shaughnessy one, and pamela means are what i've most recently been writing to. and there's all those irish fiddles. those are good paper writing music. german stuff- not 2 raummwohnung, i know too many of the words. but, like, meike's old ararat. and of course cold calculating mathmatical classical. the well tempered clavichord- i have this huge box of records-every keyboard piece bach ever wrote performed on harspichord. not really that much fun- i'm a big fan of dynamics- but it's great mechanical music for writing papers to. esp. with my old record player- i could just stack them up and let them roll!

ugh. is that enough? i gotta go to bed. listen, that l, she keeps me up too late at night.