remembering

so many things i've wanted to blog about, but haven't been keeping good notes. last night i actually plugged in my ipod so i would remember to talk about it, then i never did. when i was all smiley after talking to s, i was listening to pearl and the shuffle was just awful, but finally amy corriea's life is beautiful came on, and it was SO perfect. the song ariving at and leaving ch's house was over the rhine's moth, and as i'm turning down greenwood, i think, why don't i just WALK home? i felt like i could go forever. it's only 14 blocks, that's less than 2 miles. it takes a little more than half an hour. but then i thought it was silly, the mix wouldn't keep being that good, i might feel sad, and then it would just be long. so i took the train. i was sorry i did, because next it played india.arie's video, ana teroja's wish you were here, and as i was walking from the train to my place an amazing dance song from the cheeze and wax mix. i was so pumped, then to prove me wrong, patty griffin's makin pies was next. oh well.

when i told ch about being nervous about my last date, he gave me a great quotable line which i'm not sure how i forgot to post. "dating is like chewing through an electrical cord. it's stupid, usually useless, and sometimes deadly. but sometimes if you hit it just right it can make you feel all tingly." isn't that just lovely?

ch wrote a note about l in the TOC today, so i called her to read it. bad idea, she was at work, so she took her 3 minutes to say, "where have you BEEN?" i want to know, if s thinks i'm amazing and understanding, why l can still make me feel like such SHIT with so few words. but anyway, that was not supposed ot be the introduction to l- it was supposed to be because i was thinking of her since i bought my first hair product. first, because she has five different kinds that she is very adept at using, and secondly because mine is called, "rubber spiking cement". and i'll always think of her whenever i buy rubber cement. because i DO NOT have a problem. i just like the stuff. i can stop anytime i want to. i swear.

the first day i wore it a balloon popped as i walked by. was it really my crunchy hair? i doubt it, but i told the story to s and she called me "spike." i told my uncle billy that i buzzed my hair, so he'll be able to find me in the airport tomorrow, and he called me buzzette lightyear.

the other amazing thing of the day was also in time out chicago. ch had written at the top of the page, "this is amazing." he told me i'd cry. and i almost did. it was about the editor of time out beruit. and of time out tel aviv. they'd met at a conference in cypress. and so they sent some emails back and forth. it was so human- respecting people, but also so much anger and lack of understanding. it was so completely real. i'd just posted on thymewarp.com that i prefer local news because i can't comprehend the large scope of global news without some kind of human touchpoint. this was really the touchpoint for me. i mean, sure, it's lebanon, an entirely other world, but there are people there just like me-young artists in a big city who read TOB instead of TOC to find out what they're gonna do this weekend. or at least, they used to. there is no TOB anymore. there's no culture in beruit to report on and no buisnesses left to buy advertising. the TOTA crew wanted to help them get back on their feet but couldn't as it would be seen as conspiring with the enemy. so that's what's made the world seem a little closer for me today.

now if you'll excuse me, i need to buy cat food before i leave tomorrow. eep! and i will miss you all. i'll be back on wednesday, and you know i'll post as soon as i unlock the door. have a fun weekend, everybody.

practically useless

it's impossible to sew, let alone pattern. it's just too hot, i'm too in the pink room, i'm too close to vacation. i packed this morning, and discovered i can't leave without doing laundry. summer clothes are just too thin- i washed everything that wasn't black or hot pink together and still only filled half the washer. i need someone to do laundry with. i am just wasting my quarters there. i love to do people i love's laundry. here's how it works: you just call me up when you have a load, i get together all my stuff, you drive to my place, carry my laundry down the stairs into your car, and i sort yours and mine. you just drop me off at the laundrymat, come 40 min. later, and carry all the wet stuff up the stairs for me. then all you have to do is stop by the next day and i will have your clothes all dry and neatly folded by type and color. an easy service, no? this could really be a mutually benifiicial relationship. any takers?

ch called all day today- he was so lonely. i was glad to entertain him, i wasn't excited about working either. s also called- i know how busy she is, and it makes me feel so special when she makes time for me. i ended up spending the rest of the day dancing around, giggling to myself, smiling at the cat. ch invited me over to watch a movie, and since i wasn't able to get ANYTHING done here, i decided to go eat my scrambled tofu hash over there. (it was actually quite good- tofu, sweet potatoees, one scallion, a few tablespoons of cabbage, a bunch of tomatoes, cilantro, some salsa, the rest of my frozen corn and what was left of the orange cheese once i cut the mold off. obviously a well planned, specifically shopped for sort of meal.)

it was anything else, a woody allen movie with christina ricci. i do love woody allen, although it is just agonizing to watch his movies. ch was saying how annoying he is, how there are so many people who can't stand him, and i said he reminded me of marty. anyway, christina ricci says to the guy, "of course i like you. i had a crush on you from the moment i met you! couldn't you tell by the way i was ignoring you?" and he responds, "yeah, your apathy was really compelling."

this is HILARIOUS to me. i have NEVER ignored someone i liked. my apathy has never been noticed by anyone but drunk men on street corners.

single in SF!

g called me last night as i was procrastinating!! we talked for like an hour and a half- it was crazy. but of course i had to tell her all about my personal ad and it's repercussions, and she had to tell me all her new news- she and joe are split up! the straight girl i'm in love with is SINGLE! i'm so happy for her. fun times are going to come in SF for her, i am sure. i'm so excited she's going to start living her own life out there, and stop being so ani's fixing her hair and betty serveert's something so wild. but i didn't get any bags done- what a looser! i MUST finish them tonight.

meeting with the fashion designer today went fine. and she paid me (the pennies that are her rates) so i was happy about that. i really think i'm making enough to survive like this. it makes me so glad. i really wanna be able to not just make ends meet, but save or travel. maybe even both? i want to work hard enough for that to happen. i wish she gave me more confidence about my work, though. she makes me feel so slipshod and careless. ch laughed at how everything about me changes at her aproach. anyway.

answered the phone all bored doing my balloons this afternoon, and it was s! she'd found me at work! and she called to chat while walking the dog. i felt SO special that she went to all that effort to talk to me. she says all of her friends are hounding her these days about how she's so busy, and she says, "man, why can't you be more like caitlin?" and they say, "who's caitlin?" and then that's how she introduces me. are you charmed? i am.

also- a, to celebrate her poor self-image these days, bought herself a bikini. and sent me a photo of herself in it that i'm not allowed to post here. but i can tell you, she is hot. CO guys, head to the lafayette pool. so now i have the grand total of 3 pictures of my friends as porn stars that are too slutty to upload to flickr, so they are destined to never leave my phone. listen girls, i love you, but your crotch shots are filling up my memory- oh no, i don't mean i want you to stop! i just have to delete more of mitzi...

but now i'm off to ravage for sustinance so i can keep up my energy hot gluing these linings all night. alright, alright, i'll quit my whining. i know it's a good gig, and it's not even very hot here. plus, i'm going to the BEACH on saturday. still not sure how this happened. kind of in denial. the BEACH! i mean, really. i think i need to buy fun house to read there. and i'm going to get to wear the fabulous new swimdress that z bought me that never got much of a showing in bermuda. hell, i'm gonna SEE z! and the vegan anarchist cousin! and the party in a box! and uncle billy! really, the people who thought up this family reunion on the BEACH thing- you have my undying gratitude.

wasting time

what? how can i not have a post called this already?
anyway, i sewed bags all day today. all day = lies. i spent only about 4 hrs on them. if that. did go to hancock for supplies, bought new sunglasses at walgreens. and chips to eat with my salsa. so that's all i've done since. no hot gluing. just surfing the internet, eating chips and salsa. but, i did have this lovely im conversation:

unglaublichecaitlin: hey, did i tell you the fashion designer is stopping by tomorrow morning?
michoandcharles: no! I am shocked! I better dress up!
unglaublichecaitlin: so i don't have to go over there. but still, the thought of her being in the flowershop totally freaks me out. i may just throw the jackets at her and run.
michoandcharles: you are such a pussy! Lure her into the back and we'll tie her up in a balloon bag!
michoandcharles: And then I don't know what we'll do...
unglaublichecaitlin: wait, thinking, thinkinkg... something with kling, maybe....
michoandcharles: kling her to the ceiling!
michoandcharles: kling her zippers shut!
michoandcharles: kling her flip flops to the back door!
unglaublichecaitlin: good job! i'll provide the suplies, and you can put together the joke, it's a great relationship!

another date, etc.

not sure why i didn't blog yesterday. i guess i never really realized that i hadn't. anyway, yesterday morning was brunch with becky. i like her too, i like them all. (just none as much as s.) on the train to the wicker park place we agreed to meet, she called and said her friends suggested a place in humbolt park. i mentioned how hard it would be for me to get there, and she said she's pick me up at the l stop. i KNOW it's not a good idea to get in a car with someone you've only met on craigslist and never in real life. but you know, i did. and it was fine, she's fun and not creepy at all, so it all turned out well, this time. as i told ch afterwards, explaining the story to him, "i know it wasn't a good decision, but i thought it would be fine, and it was fine, but i know i was taking an unneccesary risk and i promise to use a condom next time" which made him totally laugh.

i was a little nervous meeting her friends, with the whole brunching with 3 strangers (who knew each other) instead of one. but it was really good, there was much less pressure and i liked her friends alot. jami was full of adventure and interesting questions, she's an architect, an artist and a gallery owner. her husband dani is italian with wild curly hair, and is funny and makes really interesting observations- he sorta reminded me of rafael. anyway, while i was looking around the cute little cafe, at the table next to us was johanna! from su casa! yes, another of my friends from my first life in chicago, who i haven't seen in 6 years. what is WITH that these days? i was TOTALLY freaked out. but- i really DO wanna be johanna's friend again. she was amazing then, and i never had reason to think she isn't anymore. she's married now, was brunching with her husband, and i got her number to invite her for dinner. i really willl. i need to call. anyway, i was also a little nervous about the idea of brunch, because i'm not a breakfast food eater, but the menu rocked- lots of vegetarian options. i had a hash that was fried tofu, sweet potatoes, and kale. and sweet apples on the side. and toast. and everyone's food looked ymmy and nutritious, even the meat eaters. so if you're near california and division, i say check out the flying saucer.

also, lots of good body art. our waitress had the nicest sleeve of these big 70s sort of wallpaper flowers. and becky's mermaids are beautiful. the one on her left arm is black haired with the tail reds and oranges, and the one on her right is red haired with a gorgous blue green and purple tail. she told the funniest story of her conservative mother clicking her tounge and saying,"i just don't understand why you would want naked people on your body. let me get a magic marker and draw a shirt on her."

after i got home i called ch, of course, to tell him all the details. after that, i tmed s briefly, but she mysteriously dissapeared. i worried more than i should have, today she told me she was at a terrible party. it's hard for me to remember that not calling= busy, not upset or angry.

what else is new here? lucy's gone. her 2 owners have apparently moved out, because i walked by the empty apartment yesterday with the door open and 3 new people sitting inside. it's wierd. a new girl below me, agatha and cailen gone, hannah in 3w (sniff, so sad) moved out- do these people know something i dont? because this building KICKS ASS. i'm so nervous about paying month to month. i would sign a five year lease, it's so perfect. unless i had, like, a partner with a killer onebedroom or something, there's no reason to ever move.

work was unexceptional today. processing flowers, paperwork, balloons, listening to the mixes. ch went to see an apartment on my street, which i was so excited about. and he said the management company was UNBELIEVABLY nice. they gave him a starbucks gift card for checking it out!! but it was tiny, on a three way intersection so it was triangle shaped, and so he couldn't fit both his bed and his sofa. this makes me quite sad. hopefully he'll find another place that's just right. after work i went to the library. ah, i love the library. now i just have to decide which of my 8 books i want to save for the weekend beach reading. i def. wanna read FLB's necklace of kisses on the airplane or the beach, but i don't think i'm comfortable pulling lesbian pulp like return to lesbos out of my bag. maybe ch will recomend something. i've always taken his books with me before- it was rough music last year, and middlesex the year before that. in fact, it took his recomendation of mystery by peter straub with me to bermuda, and that was a great recomendation, too. so perhaps i should ask him before i do any packing!

work work work

woke up early to ride my bike over to the bag lady's house. she's so odd. but she gave me 4 more bags- unfortunately she's selling in a street fair this weekend, so she'll need them before i go to the beach. sigh. but the faster i work, the faster i get paid. so who's complaining? after that, i went straight to the fashion designers. she has a bunch of changes for me, a bunch of new jackets to make. i don't understand how she can be so proud of my work that she picks my peices for macys, but can make me feel so slipshod and untalented. there are still so many things wrong with my samples. how will i ever produce bulk amounts of work to make her happy? she always gets me down. s was on a job west of the fashion designers, so i had a cup of tea and a chocolate crossant and finished my book, and then she came to pick me and my fabric up and take me home! so sweet, don't you think? i was terribly awkward- i can be so smooth and sophisticated and well spoken in emails and blog entries, and the like, but the real life scenes never play out quite like the ones in my head do. she sent me an email saying she had a nice time driving me, so luckily she doesn't think i'm as dorky as i do.

i was so tired when i got home from being out in the sun all day that i lay down to try and take a nap, but wasn't able to. however, mitzi laid down on me and did. you KNOW how i feel about a cat sleeping on my legs. she was totally redeemed for the past week of waking me up between 4 and 5am. i finally dragged myself off the couch and made dinner- zucchini feta pancakes with mint from my garden! it was pretty exciting. i wish i knew how to use my chammomile. do i clip it and dry it, or can i use it fresh?

now i'm just laying around like a bum, procrastinating sewing. i just don't know how to make myself start working on the looming projects ahead of me.

can't stop

i swear, this is the LAST post tonight. but my goddess, how could i not link to this softer world?

btw, i gave ch the softer world book for his birthday.

and then there's the day to day...

it's OBVIOUSLY a friday night, with me feeling all alone and lame and friday nightish, if i'm putting up not one, not two, but three posts. (and another question must be asked- why am i avoiding those pants so much? i've had them since monday, only about .5hr of work needs to be done on them... why haven't i done any sewing all week?)

last night after i got all that stuff done, i went over to ch's and returned his cat carrier. he gave me his old costuming books, and he cut my hair for me. it was getting downright shaggy in the back.

and today we were happy coworkers. i am so pleased at how my life has changed in the past two weeks, from being so sad and pouty to being in the pink room. and ch is there to watch it all- to help me compose my ad, and then to be a goofy floral employee with me.



i got the most amazing phone call today. the fashion designer called, and i didn't answer because i knew she would tell me things i didn't want to hear. but no. her voice mail was amazing.
1. she didn't forget about me, she's calling me back, she wants me to come by tomorrow (when i wanted to!)
2. she thanked me for all my work on monday, the photo shoot went great she said.
3. marshall fields is going to carry her line!!!!! so three pieces i'm sewing for her wil be sold in macy's (just doesn't have the same ring to it, does it?) it's going to be the brown jacket, which i love and will be glad to make for her, but don't have any pictures of. and the white jacket, which i hate, which is very close to this:

amd the pleated pants, which i enjoyed, but were so much work:

and they are the ones with the zipper fly i was so proud of:

so this is really exciting news for me. unfortunately, it means i'm going to have to start working really really hard. fortunately, i should get paid well for it! so that was good news.

becky wasn't able to come to the liquor liscence party, she was working. joe cancelled, too. i tmed ashley and carrie and they were road tripping to family reunion. so it was just ch and i. we were pretty tired from a long day, and margaritas didn't exactly help. the commute home was so long tonight.

then i sat down and started the obsessive posts previous to this one.

and then, when i was feeling just a little too sorry for me, j drunk dials me! so i got the family gossip- sooo glad i've been avoiding the farm. she swears she didn't out me to her mom & sis. i know z says i can't trust her, but she does read my blog every day- and what more can one ask for, in anyone?

a pair of rants

a wrote me an email that i guess asked all the write questions, cause i just went off on her. it was rather cruel in places, and deserved a much better forum than a "kicking you while you're down" email, so i thought i'd repost it here, so y'all know what i've been thinking about, as always.

as far as your body, i'm sorry if it's painful to hear, but your body image disturbs me. what shape do you want your hips and ass to be, goddamn it, a triangle? what the fuck do you thing women look like? who taught your ideal to you? do you know the source of your ideal? why do you believe it? why are you content to live in such a boring world where everyone is achieving the same sort of identicalness? (also, as a side note, i read that the ideal ass is changing in the newspaper. apparently these days people want their asses bigger and bigger, and their partners are obliging.) there was an artist at michigan womyn's music festival who did breast portraits. what a concept, that peoples breasts could be as different and identifiable as their faces. maybe it's different for me because i have both my images of the woman i am and the woman i want in bed with me, but let me tell you my body's pretty fucking perfect (except for maybe an extra cowlick) and i wouldn't sleep with anyone who didn't think so. which is my next question- if you're so alien looking why do you fear all these boys just sleep with you for your body ? are they into aliens? (early on, s wrote "I also don't mind if you're butch, femme, andro, or an alien." to which i replied "i'm 2'3", moist skin, green/green, cute perky antennae, and pointy ears..." ) i am sick of this american ideal of corporate consumerism and competition. like there is only one perfect product which is only cost effective if we produce as many exactly the same as quickly as possible. so we have to consolidate it all down into a binary code, on/off, 1/0, ugly/beautiful, happy/sad, male/female. THE WORLD IS NOT A PLACE OF ONLY TWO CHOICES. we are all skilled and talented and beautiful in different ways, and no one is considerably better or worse than others. just some people are kinder. that's all.

i guess that fits in nicely with your first gender lesson. today's gender question: what makes gender so important? why is it the first question that people ask new parents? why do we gender our pets? we blame it all on sex, but so little of gender is based on whose genitals we want to rub up aganst our own. that's certainly not the reason we dress baby girls in pink and baby boys in blue. why do men wait until i leave the elevator first? that doesn't have anything to do with me getting in their pants, or even me being strong enough to hold the elevator doors open. what makes things gendered, anyway? sure, it makes sense that girls play with dolls, but who chose blue as the boy color? why is hair masculine and no hair feminine? why does it stress people out so much when they can't tell if s is a boy or a girl? why do they give her such dirty looks- what does that matter from someone fixing your phone line? why is sex the most hallowed distinctition in american culture? why aren't bathrooms designated by age, or what you're going to do in there, instead of sex? and again, why are there only two options? do you know how many intersex babies are born in the us every year? ( don't remember the exact number, we learned in my gender and culture class) it's only our culture that creates two separate ideals, boxes we shove people in. actually, everyone's genitals fall someplace on the continuum. as the woman in transamerica said, "i didn't cut it off- i just made it an innie instead of an outie."

compromise

so i just had this little exchange with my aunt, j's mom:

Mimm862 (7:26:53 PM): oops uncle david is ready to go spotting deer. big date night you know. gotta go. talk to you again soon.
Rainheads (7:27:07 PM): yep, have fun with the deer!
Mimm862 (7:27:13 PM): yea as always
Mimm862 (7:27:32 PM): his idea of a fun night. i guess it is quality time together though. thanks we will

i was going to copy and paste, post and mock, then i realized: oh, fuck. i'm probably going to learn the rules of football this fall.

industrious

woke up to a thunderstorm today. as s said, a good day for sleeping in and watching old movies. i called the handbag designer to say i will not be taking her handbags on my bike in the rain. we rescheduled for saturday, depending on the weather. then i started working on my list. i did all those nasty things i've been putting off so long. paid my bills. i called the mutual fund people my grandma's savings have gone into and told them to send me a check. i called the credit card companies and told them to credit my finance charges, to transfer payment, to redeem my points- send me cash and gift cards! i called about insurance- the insurence people are emailing me more info. i called americorps- they're sending me a voucher form to get some big money paid into my loans. i called the irs to find out what i need to do about paying taxes this year. i cleaned all the cds, coupons, and little notes of paper off my desk. and i called two tattoo parlors, doing research for my tattoo.

i also giggled about love with a, bemoaned being a starving artist with christopher, made plans to meet up after work with ch, and chatted via phone and tm with s.

AND THEN, i made a grocery list, cleaned the cat litter, took out the trash, and went to the grocery store! have you ever heard of a girl who's acomplished so much! i think i deserve some frozen blueberries.

undeniably

yep, it's happened. after a flurry of instant messages monday night, i met s yesterday, and i'm in the pink room. after i took mitzi to the vet, we went to the cafe on the corner. (s and i! not mitzi!) clicking definately happened. she is hotter in real life than any photographs i've seen. amazing green eyes. it made me think of a- you know how i never ever notice eye color- but i noticed hers. we chatted for a very short hour before i had to leave to go to renee's. i gave her a mix cd i'd made for her, and she was so sorry she'd forgotten mine- then she read the liner notes and said, actually maybe it's a good thing i forgot mine, because there are 3 of the same songs on yours!!!! isn't that AMAZING? because you want to know, the three are:
the mixed tape by jack's mannequin (when i told z, she's like, "well she sure gets points in my book for that!) which was the track my title came from
say goodnight and go by imogen heap
and mr. harris by aimee mann! (when i told ch, he's like, "how specific." but it made perfect sense to us, and shea's a big aimee mann fan)
we said goodbye at her truck and i was terribly awkward- all i could think about doing was throw my arms around her, but i was afraid it would be too much of a just friends gesture and didn't want to give that impression so i didn't do anything. i was kicking myself all the way home, sure it was going to go the way of the first girl, but then she sent me a tm saying how much she liked meeting me and she was already in love with the first song on my mix. so all was good!

i still don't know what i think about my dinner with renee. it's wasn't, oh, it's so good to have this friend back in my life, i've missed her! but it also wasn't this was a bad idea i can't get out of here fast enough. trying to figure out where in between it fell, and what i'm going to do next. i did find out, though, that maria who we used to work with recently had a lesbian wedding! wow! i do wish maria would email me back someday. but i'm patient. maybe she's like leah. someday it will happen.

after that i had made plans with s to see rebel without a cause in grant park. that's one of the very few activities i don't like doing by myself- it's just soooo cold and couple-y. and i was underdressed, so i was hoping s would be butch and prepared. unfortunately she got a call and had to take a job! so she wasn't able to come. i was so dissapointed, but it was really ok. let me list the reasons:
1. she actually asked me. "what should i do?" and i got to be the one to say, take the job of course- work comes first!
2. she texted me sweetly the whole way through- she waved as she drove by, she said.
3. she looks a good bit like james dean, so it was almost like she was there.

so i've just been giddy all day today. she left me a voice mail this morning that said, i'm glad you didn't answer because i didn't want to distract you at work, but i just wanted to call to say good morning. i hope you have a great day, and hello to ch, too.

all together now: awwww.

however: i must needs to start saving my quarters, because judging from today my text message bill for this month will be THROUGH THE ROOF! my mother will kill me.

ugh. i've gotten nothing done tonight. no pant fixing, no bill paying. what a lazy bum. but undeniably smitten.

model world

goddess, it was nice to go into work today. i actually (like normal) put on my cardigan half way through the day. sweet bliss! after work i had to go to the fashion designers. the blue line is still running slow because of the fire. it's so hot. i'm miserable.
i just want to go home and check my email. so, i was going to do that handsewing on the train today? well, i didn't have them marked so i couldn't. so i was going to call the fashion desinger and say i'll come tomorrow- but i had left my phone at home! with her number!so i HAD to go, and all day i whined to ch about how i had to do this yucky thing when all i really wanted to do was go home and check my email and i got there, and there are ALL THESE PEOPLE in her studio. she was having a photo shoot tonight, and wanted the jackets i was making! so i had to stay, no dinner, little ac, and sew on all those hooks and eyes and tack down the flaps! i was there for almost an hour. with the stereotypical gay hairstylist, the cubby mohawked makeup disigner, the mysogynistic photographer and 3 tall thin blond models. they upset me SO much. they were just these anamatronic maniquins. it was so freaky and scary. and the photographer talked to them, oh it was awful. "leah! you need to eat dinner! you are falling out of your clothes! can i get you some carrot sticks? ha ha!" leah smiles. it's one thing to have your craft critqued- you need to redo this zipper, can you make this waistband thinner? but when your craft is your body, when all there is of you is your physical form, you have no spirit or personality, it creeps me out.

garden photos

sorry it's taken me ages to post them!

here's the planters, early and recent:


here's kinda the setup, and the geranium:

my herb garden, dill, chamomile, mint and basil, from l to r.

and here are my vegetables, zuchinni and tomatoes. look how they've changed!



and finally, mitzi's take on it all:

i have to go to work now. but sewing photos this evening!

ahoy!

since i'm up, you know, dreamin' about a girl, i thought it would be a good time to upload my photos. but first i checked out my friend's pages, and my mom has posted some from their sailing trip. so without further ado, my mother the pirate:

all she needs is a parrot and an eyepatch, right?

garden!

I HAVE TOMATOES! the zucnini blooms don't seem to stay open very long, so i was keeping an eye on the tomato blooms, just making sure they don't need water, and i saw- above the bloom- a slight roundness- a little green ball- a REAL LIVE TOMATO! i have, like, three. they are all about 1 1/2 inches diameter. they bring me so much joy, it will almost be a pity to eat them. but not quite. there will be more. i am so happy about my garden.

sweatshop

have i meentioned how hot it is here? usally i don't mind... but usually i don't have to sew at home! my closet = agony. i have the back lining for jacket #2 draped over the back of my chair. and every time i lean back against it, my back sticks to the lining and i have to pull it off when i sit up. isn't that disgusting? but these will have to be dry cleaned anyway, because my HANDS are sweating, and there's just no way to keep them clean while i'm working.

that damn white jacket took so long. i'm going to be up till midnight if the brown one is similar. it went really fast last time i made it, so i'm praying to the goddess it wasn't a fluke and i can still go to bed on time. and, you know, email my two new girlfriends.

yeah right. i've eaten nothing but frozen blueberries all day, so i finally had to stop, and i just heated a lentil walnut burger from the freezer. i'm only allowed to type this because i'm eating at the same time... getting lentils in the keyboard.

bags done!

finally. my bags are done. now it's on to suits! but i don't have much time to work- ch's birthday party is tonight. i really wanted to see the cheerleading competition at the gay games tomorrow... but i have to swatch too, for the rear window dress. and i don't think i'll have time to get the jackets done if i don't start until 5...

anyway, none of this is interesting to you, i know, but it's too hot here to go back into that closet with the iron. maybe i'll just read ch's birthday gift until it's time to wrap it.

first date

it went fine. she's nice, good conversationalist, loves to ask questions. she's only 19, cute, and i think we could be friends, although i'm not sure, there have been missunderstandings. ethiopian food was good- overpriced, and i didn't like the sour bread, but i loved the curry stuff. afterwards we came back to my place and ate ice cream. in general, it was fun- horray! and i'm on to the next one- my mailbox has a number of delightful mails that need replies!

freaking out... just a little

ummm, so, i've got a DATE tonight. dinner with a craiglist girl. can't even tell you how nervous and excited i am. actually i can= i woke up at 4.30 this morning unable to go back to sleep. thinking about lots of things- the date, all the other girls, getting out of the city and maybe going to the BEACH with the fam for a weekend, how it's been 6 months and my piercings still hurt too much to comfortably sleep on my right side- this is a pretty major problem, isn't it? i just CAN'T take them out, though. i've put too much time and money into them, i like them too much. but enough. i need to get ready for WORK now. i'll type again after my date of course. unless, of course, it's all lies, and she's an ax murderer and she hacks me into bloody pieces. in which case, i'll still try and post, just to let you know, before i die completely.

oh, oh, but i forgot to tell you how MARVELOUS pamela means was last night! i'm so in love with her- she has such beautiful beautiful hair. i laughed, i cried, i sang along- it was perfect. she played all my favourite songs, restless, augusta, postcards... it was so chill. and there were like TWELVE of us there. literally. counting pamela. we chatted afterwards, and she said next time we'll just all go to my house.

distracted

have gotten NOTHING done today. i cut out the jackets. that's it. no work at all on the bowling ball bags. they have GOT to get done. i want them done before sat. morning. i started sewing the pocket on and realized i'd done it all backwards. i needed to cut the hand-sewn snap off, and everything. i'm just not gonna be able to sew today, i guess. but that means i'm gonna have to work hard this weekend.

but i did the dishes, that's the important thing, right? and cleaned the litter and took out the trash and bought ant traps. i'm just making excuses. i'm addicted to my email. writing to my 5 new friends. i can't stop. a new epoch is about to begin!

going to hear pamela means at the speakeasy- i'm worried because it's a supper club, which sounds expensive. but i can WALK there. and it's PAMELA MEANS! it should be chill and delighful.

shafted

i'm sorry, dear blog readers. you have been shafted. see, last night on big chicks patio ch helped me write my personal ad- finally! and i came home, and posted it, and so now i have 4 emails from cute girls, and i think they need responses tonight, don't you?

ode to deb talan

so ch had gone to water plants, and subsequently stopped at dunkin donuts on his way home. and i was listening to the weepies while he was gone. and he came back, and was checking our numbers on the computer while i was doing paperwork. and we were singing along to each other, " no no no no no, nothing else will do i gotta have dunkachino..." it would have been slightly funny if one of us did it. it was frightening when we both sang it at the same time.

still sewing. the jacket got a good review, minimum to fix tonight. still. it seems a bit much.

i'm thinking of spending a weekend on the farm in august. i just hate that i'm going nowhere this summer. i know it's probably a bad idea, but i wanna get out of this place. some times i feel so all alone in the city i call my home. i guess someone's saying hey you're one of us- but it's funny, i feel so annonymous. i'm just feeling lonely and like my friends don't really love me, or care about me, and my grandma will always love me- i'd have to do something really awful to loose it, like be gay or something.

radio

i can't believe i'm a radio listener! i've never liked listening to radio. they never played enough music i liked, never any music i knew. but now pandora has changed my life. i seem to listen to it exclusively. if i'm feeling folky, indigo girls or girlyman radio. if i'm feeing like rocky punk, put it out for good radio. if i'm feeling 80s, eurhythmics or everything but the girl radio. or older, joni mitchell radio. if i just want good quintessential caitlin music, over the rhine radio is always always good.

took a break midday today to hear alison bechtel at women and children first. she read from her new graphic memoir, fun house. it was really fabulous. i was glad i went- it was really good. and you KNOW how i feel about the graphic memoir. didn't buy one then. will have to buy one soon, though, i fear.

came home, made some stir fryed rice, and sewed in the lining of this really really cute jacket. i like it alot. it's so much better than that damn white one. but my poor iron! the shiny stuff in the fabric melts onto the faceplate. and i fused some interfacing to it, too. so i had to press everything with a sheet of paper overtop. and damn, it's sticky. it's a huge hassle.

i wish i could take a pic of the jacket for you all, but it's already dark out. i'm sure i'll be making more soon, so i'll have to take a pic then. also, i have pictures of my garden and other sewing projects. i just need to upload them. soon i promise. and thank you, a, for commenting! it's been over a week since i've gotten a comment from anyone else- no one but a has yet commented in july. so without her i'd be just languishing!

enough! work tomorrow= bed. now.

lalala

thank goodness the sewing today is going faster than the cutting yesterday. i'm going to be so glad if i don't have to stay up past my bedtime tonight.

things the cat broke yesterday:
- tumbler off desk
- plate off table
- peace in the home

she LOVES sleeping on my cutting table. i don't care if she lies on the patterns, but she just can't be getting fur on the fabric!! she gets so miffed though. "how DARE you move the paper so you can trace the other side! didn't you realize i'm trying to sleep he...woah! whoa! edge of table, edge of table!" then she falls off and shakes herself and jumps back up. etc.

so all i have left on the jacket is to sew in the lining. i only have the little pieces left to do of the pants pattern- waistband, pockets, fly extention, etc. then i MUST make lauren's skirts! it's been like 6 weeks- i feel terrible. but the whole getting a job thing has been kind of overwhelming.

maybe it's asking alot, but i'm gonna TRY and go out too, today. grocery shopping- what a concept!

sewing day

yeah right. i would love to start sewing. 9 hrs. of patterning. but the suit is cut out and all 3 of the bag linings. i'm half-way through copying the pleated pant pattern. i promised the jacket completed tomorrow- what was i thinking? but i wanna get the copy of the pattern done, too. cause that means i'll get paid for it.

anyway. nothing interesting. work work work. think how miserable i'd be if i didn't enjoy doing it.

some better some worse

my mending for the fashion designer still isn't right. it's so finiky. but she wants me to start on a new project, so i'm glad to at least have a change. however- bye bye, weekend. i pray this jacket goes well.

and, and, i'm trying to whine, cause i don't feel things are going that well, was feeling esp. bitter and lonely walking home from ch's at midnight, and everyone on the street was coupled- the teenage lovers, the dykes not holding hands, the breakup of the blond and the mohawk at the train station... but then a stylish girl with properly layered hair and noisily grown up heels got off alone at my stop, so i had no right to complain.

oh, and i keep thnking of good things, office depot let me return my ink. SO, even though i don't have a printer, at least i'm not also down $60 in ink for a printer that doesn't work. although, a broken printer- isn't that just heartwarming.

anyway, all this to say, i couldn't whine if wanted to, because the world is an ok place and the goddess is looking out for me, because i took my serger tweezers (instead of my mustache plucking ones) over to ch's with my flashlight, and he poked at my eardrum a couple of times with the, and i finally said, this isn't working. and he said wait. and he extracted that mizerable piece of cotton.

the joy. oh, the elation. you have no idea. my world= a magical place.

awful

NOTHING got done today. forgot to go to office depot. the library didn't have all of my books. the sewing machine place can't fix my buttonholer without my machine. the numbers for the serger needles are old fashioned, i'll have to bring in an actual needle. i called the printer repair place, they said it's cheaper to buy a new printer than have it repaired. the fashion designer didn't like my gathers on the jacket, asked for more changes to be made tomorrow. and the rise is all wrong on the pants, i have to do them again. i called howard brown to make an appointment, and the first one they have is august 4th. mom says i need to call them back and tell them what's happened in my ear. i told l the story of getting the qtip stuck in my ear today, and she was apalled and thought i should go to the ER. then she hung up on me with no explanation- did i say something stupid? or was she just in a hurry to tell all her friends how STUPID i am?

picked up mitzi from the vet, at least that went well. her poor shaven tummy. she's moving slow, but she seems glad to be home and recouperating. ch said i should ask the vet to dig around for me. goddess.

and on an entirely different note, i bumped into renee at the library today. from su casa. who gave me a place to stay till i found my first apartment. whom i haven't seen in, like, six years. it was a very overwhelming experience, i feel like i need alot of processing about it. both ch and l asked me how i feel, but i'm not sure. i'm not sure what i'm supposed to feel, and i am feeling something very strongly, i just don't know what it is. also, she's the straight christian version of l- have i mentioned this? it makes my heart hurt a little.

saving lives

so i stayed up finishing my sewing last night, and i broke one of the zippers. so i said fuck it and went to bed. woke up in time to take mitzi to the vet, hopefully the last time. i'll pick her up tomorrow morning- it's quiet without her. on the way in i left a message for the fashion designer saying i'd be bringing everything by tomorrow. well, she called me in a panic, saying she wanted me to bring it by yesterday, but she neeeds it this afternoon, shipping out to lake magazine, for the 40 year old women who live in the lake houses. luckily it's july. ch gave me time off, so i left early, rode the train home, got the garmets, then back again to her studio. but she was so greatful. she said i saved her life. that made it almost worth it. and i have a FABULOUS book i'm reading right now. it's so beautifully written, and the characters so relateable. it makes me ache for the particular sad lonelyness europe instills in me. the main character's grandmother calls his depressions his "mouse moods." i like it muchly.

still, i have hours of alterations to make before i go back to the fashion designer's tomorrow. and i spent way too much time gossipping with z about her weekend at the beach with j and her fam.

4th of july

to celebrate independence day, i've added pandora to my sidebar to celebrate one of the best things about living in this wonderful country. i usally listen to pandora while sewing and can't always pay enough attention to bookmark the best songs, but now that i know that they're appearing in the sidebar for you and the rest of the world to see, i'll try and keep updating them regularly. enjoy!

quote of the day

from sunday's paper:

"imagine the Creator as a low comedian," said H.L. Mencken, "and at once the world becomes explicable."

it's from an article about frank tashlin, a director of janye mansfield movies (whose only cultural reference i have is francesca lia block) and my fave quote from him is "there's nothing n the world to me that's funnier than big breasts." which the reporter follows up with the line, "thanks to the models rolling off the assembly lines of Detroit and Hollywood, the decade was nothing if not aerodynamic."

thank you, thank you very much. i'm going to go sew now.

twice burnt, not shy

so hugo and ch and i went to grant park to see the fireworks and listen to the symphony tonight for independence day! i hadn't gotten nearly enough sewing done, but i packed the most beautiful little dinner and laid down my sarong and just had a cozy little time. ch and hugo were very greatful for my lovely food, and brought the most perfect complements and additions. it was perfect. here's hugo and i before dusk:

and here's the glowing buildings:

and here's the lovely fireworks:

and here's a photo that i found in my photostream that i guess i've forgotten to blog about. this is the fat suit christopher was making while i made the wedding dress last week. i tried it on (being about the same size as the 8 year old it was made for) and if i'm already in a fat suit, i might as well put on my fave reba mcintire wig and carry a parasol, no?


anyway, the first burn was my tounge on the clementine chamomile tea that i took in my thermos. channelling ruth. i miss her! and it's a good thermos, so hot for so long.

not shy refers to being crammed with my picnic basket into the subway car. it's incredible, to be part of 2.5 million people in the same place, but it's less fun to funnel into an L car with a picnic basket. luckily i was smashed against some nice gay guys, so it wasn't like some guy was trying to rub up against me in a crowded subway car. i almost waited for the next train, making room for a stroller, but a nice suburban mom pushed me on. then we chatted on the way home- now channelling nancy katzen. she had a daughter who graduated columbia in the same cermony as me, and another who lives in my neighborhood who goes to loyola.

after i got home i fired up the machine, and sewed my darts and assembled my lining. i'm a bit worried about my connection between the motor and the power source. the cord keeps falling down, i thought the light bulb was burnt out and touched it- that's the 2nd burn.

and at this point, i'm just blabbering, waiting for the pictures i've already written discripions for to finish uploading.

listen to your mother

got a decent amount done yesterday- stayed in bed for a while, then ch called to invite me over to watch beautiful people, my newest dvd aquisition. i rode my bike over there, quite nice, we watched the movie, surfed the internet, and i rode home. then i started sewing. actually, i never got to sewing. i made both the pants pattern and the jacket pattern, then cut out the fabric for them both, marked them, fused the interfacing. i wanted to get them at least serged, too, and i was hoping for some construction, but it didn't happen. about 11.30 i got hungry, so i went out onto the balcony and picked some basil, and i cut some cherry tomatoes and mozzarella balls in half to mix with it and a little balsamic vinegar. it was the first thing i'd eaten from my garden and it was delicious and made me very happy. then i went back to my cutting, cutting, cutting.

still haven't done the dishes. MUST do that. right NOW.

and then, i did the stupidest thing. i was cleaning out my ears with q-tips, as i am wont to do, though i know i shouldn't because it's so dangerous... and i was using my cheap devon market qtips, and while i'm digging around the cotton tip falls off and becomes deeply embedded into my ear. i have no idea how to get it out. everything i think of seems even more dangerous than the stupidity that got it stuck there in the first place. but i feel a bit like my cat with her halter on- i keep wanting to rub up against things, in the fruitless hope that will help. i can only pray i get used to the feeling before it drives me fucking CRAZY.

acomplishment

i feel when i'm sad i will just feel sorrier for myself if i lay in bed all day, reading books and watching movies, occasionally getting up just to waste time online. and i feel proud of myself when i get stuff done when i don't feel like doing anything. the key is to set small goals. today my plan was to
take a shower,
eat breakfast,
clean the catbox,
clean the refrigerator,
take out the trash,
go to the hardware store,
eat lunch/dinner,
and then sew until the midnight showing of superman.

now, i originally woke up at 10, too late to go to the dykes pedalling bikes, but still early enough to go to the farmer's market and still get my whole list done by noon. but acompishing anything has just taken hours today. but i've done almost all of it! sure, it's 7pm, but everything but breakfast and the dishes are done, and i'm ready to start sewing. i'm really proud of the hardware store- i left the house, and i can cross a couple of things off my list. and i didn't feel like eating, but i tempted my self with beautiful basic homey things, and i nibbled, and soon it was almost all gone and i felt better.

i was telling a about my food and she reminded me of the homeyness factor of it- this is how my mom does snacks, infact eats in general. so that brought me comfort, too. but still. i now only have 4.5 hrs before i need to leave to see the movie, and i really, really wanna get something done in that time. cause my new boss won't care that i'm depressed, she'll only care if my work isn't done on time.