last post

i was gonna get all bitter and say this is my last post if no one comments, but then cecilia emailed me and said my comments aren't working, so that made me feel better, but also less reighteous. to be brief- mom and allie are comming tomorrow, and i'm moving saturday, so i think this will be my last post for a while. keep checking back to be sure though! and leave comments, if you can, anyway! cause i'll miss you al while i'm hidden under boxes.



i picked up more from jen after work today. now i have to fill them up. see you again soon!

chocolate coconut ice cream

i've got some, homemade, in my freezer. aren't you jelous? not if you knew how hot my apartment is! i came home from work, made a salad for dinner, then went right up north to drop off more stuff at the new place and see if the gas was turned on. i definately smelled gas in the kitchen, but couldn't really tell cause i have no electricity, the sun was setting, and the flashlight on my keychain is aparently burnt out. a wasted 3 hours, some would say, but no time spent in ac is wasted, in my opinion, these days. how is this different than g's whining? i'm not sure, but it definately IS different. she wants ac everywhere to make chicago something it's not. i revel in the strength it takes to be a chicagoan, and seek ac as temporary relief from the adventure.
anyway, still too hot to blog. for being so small, this new computer gives off alot of heat. plus, i have an email from connie that's intitled BABY IS HERE! so i'm much to distracted to write more. there's a german one from ruth too. my email box is full of interesting things. i guess this should make me feel better about the lack of comments.

too hot to blog

it's been a hard day here. woke up, packed a bit, organized my closet and kitchen so i can pack everything but what i'll need for the next few days. when i couldn't bear it any more i went to the grocery store. i came home and made a cold lunch (tofu sandwich, blueberries, mike's hard lemonade) and watched but i'm a cheerleader- i'm so glad i own it now! i tried signing online then, but it was pretty fruitless. i'm trying to get a map for mom for how to drive the uhaul from the uhaul place to my old home then back to my new place. but see, the trick is, she'll be driving a uhaul. and trucks aren't allowed on lakeshore drive. there seems to be no way to generate an appropriate map. even mapquest's "no highways" button apparently doesn't count lsd as a highway. grrr. but i made up my own plan which i think will work ok. it will be long, and at 1.39 a mile i can feel the pain of it, but what other choice do i have? as long as she doesn't get lost, all should be fine. i made dinner, and then made my first icecream- a chocolate coconut. i can't wait to try it tomorrow, to see how it turned out. i have a great hand egg beater, which is awesome, but it still took a long time to beat the cream. prolly it being so hot doesn't help. but come on. it's summer in chicago, this is what it's supposed to be like. g sent out an email with her summer sublet address and she said at the end, "in texas, all the residences have air conditioning. stupid chicago." HELLO! this is the chick who spends every winter bitching about how cold it is and how nice it is in texas. SUCK IT UP. if you can't take the weather here, move to someplace else. i'm serious. lots of chicagoians go to the grocery store or the movies or the libraries or drive around in there cars. lots of chicagoans have a ac unit in their living room or bedroom, and i can understand that- it really is too hot to do anything. i think that's what summer's for- not to do anything. to go to the beach, to play in the fountain, whatever. g doesn't see chicago's trees, she misses the hills of texas- i thought it was to actually be in those hills, but i guess it's just to see them from out of the aircondtioned window. geez.
i packed a few more boxes, i have one left. i'm going to need to go get more from jen mid-week so i have something for allie and mom to pack when they get here. but now i'm hot and tired. i'm going to bed.

more adventurous

so, did i tell you last night i went to hear over the rhine? james couldn't find a buyer for his tickets, so he ended up taking me instead of his girlfriend. we got there at 8, and learned the sunday show starts at 8 but the saturday show starts at 10! what to do now? i was so glad to learn that he drinks, so he had a few beers and i had my cranberry vodkas, and we had the nicest time. it was great to hear his side of the story about breaking up (or being broken up) with mairee. it's so interesting to hear a guy's view on loving girls. his problem is his girls keep finding these supernice guys to marry instead. poor thing. it's too bad, he is so nice. i ended up coming out to him, always scary with xians. but it went ok. and after all this, how great could the concert be? they played all drunkards prayer and ohio stuff, and all i need is everything. it was good stuff, the whole crowd sighed in pleasure when they heard the begining of suitcase. but i like more oldies. but they always give me some sort of hook, and this time, it was their final encore- latter days. can you believe it? it was awesome. still, i have like 10 of their cds. how can they only play off three? (side note- did i mention the other day that ch has 26 tori cds and singles? that's not counting the ones at work, those are just on his rack at home...)
got home LATE last night, and with the heat and the drinking i felt pretty bad this morning- i should have drank water at some point during the night. but i did this morning, and then headed off to meet ch and jack for the pride parade. just walking to meet them i saw the best sign that made all of pride for me; "we're proud of our lesbian grandmas" isn't it wonderful in so many ways? there was also a guy near us with a great t-shirt- "but mom, he is the right girl" we were in the back of a mob and short me saw very little of the parade. it was long, hot, i got sunburnt.
afterwards we went to uncommon ground- it seems ch is showing me all the boulderlicous places in chicago before i go to colorado with a. hopefully i'll be able to give a a good hippy time while she's here. we walked up to irving park and there i caught the bus to pam's house.
pam and i made paper today. it was fun. calm, wet, creative- what more could one ask for? she made this awesome thai meal for dinner. and then we played with her guinea pigs and her and her husband gave me a ride home. really, can you imagine anyone sweeter? i gotta get her on my blogroll. i'm so lazy it's silly.

boxes and boxes

well, it looks from the comments like you haven't missed me much. someday soon i'll have to pack up my computer- but i'll put it off as soon as possible. i helped jen move this morning. got there a bit late, so i hope she's not too mad and will get to my place ok next week. i think it's fun to move, still, so i'm happy about that. my lemon sorbet turned out so nice! it makes me very happy. when i came home, i started packing all those boxes i brought home last night. seven more boxes packed! i'd say i'm about 1/3 of the way done with my apartment... but it gets harder from here on out. i may just leave the kitchen for my mother- i'm not sure i'm up to it. did i tell you james couldn't find a buyer for his tickets, so he and i are going to hear over the rhine tonight? doesn't that just rock? but i still need to eat dinner and shower- again- before i leave, so i think this will be it for now.

markham, etc

god, it seems like forever since i've been here! i'll be waking up early again tomorrow, so i shouldn't be staying up, but i'm hoping you all have been missing me, and so i thought you deserved a new post.
so markham- it was fun and exciting to ride the metra- i'd never been to the station since they rehabbed it. it's really nice now. i only had a 20 to buy my ticket with, so i got 17 sacajaweas in change- ugh! makes me feel like a german with all those dollar coins. my wallet ways about 20 pounds. i got off in harvey, transfered to my pace bus- it got me excited for traveling this summer. when was the last time i was out of the city? (i mean, since mairee's weddding) i was wearing a short dress with my high boots, as i wanted to be grown up looking and professional. little did i know that it was 6 blocks from the bus stop to the court. and it's the suburbs- no sidewalks, it's walking in the grassy median between the busy street and the shopping plaza. whatever. i got there only a little late, watched their video, knit, watched tom cruise on oprah, watched bob barker on the price is right (is he enbalmed? how can someone be so old? he's really charming, i like him alot.) at noon, we were told both of the trials that needed jurys had been settled, so there wasn't going to be any need of a jury today, and we were all free to go. horray! it was the 6 block walk back that killed me. when i got home, i have enormous blisters on the balls of my feet. ouch! they're all goo filled.
why didn't i blog then? well, i was too busy being useful! my icecream maker had come from amazon.com! it's really cool. i made a lime sorbet last night. yum! i wish i could eat it and type at the same time. i'm so glad it works. i need to get some heavy cream now and see if i can make icecream. anyway, i washed the dishes, did laundry, packed 7 boxes (which is about 2/3 of my bookcases) and talked to my mother. then i decided to watch league of their own instead of signing online. i can't remember the last time i was home and didn't check my email. made me feel funny, as i'm waiting to hear about otr tickets from james, and waiting for this picture from charles's cell phone: it was from last weekend's andersonville midsommarfest. remember? i wore pants, drank raspberry bacari from the beer stand, and the girl with the mohawk was checking me out? well there's proof.
today was slow, but aircondititoned at the flowershop. it's awful out today- the hottest day in 6 years, since the heat wave of 99. we passed a thermometer that said 100degrees- that's 38 celcious! right now my apt. is like an oven, i'm sitting here in just my underwear, sweating onto the keyboard. ch and i decided to have our weekly friday night dinner up north- first we went to jacks to pick up boxes for me and ch is watching poky this weekend as jack's finishing up cleaning in the suburbs. so me and ch and jack and the dog and my boxes went to ch's house, and his ac was working, so we just stayed there and ordered pizza. ch and i had some cd bonding time- reminds me of the evenings a and i would spend. but i had to get my boxes home. such a long commute, and i broke the side of a box at state and washington. but i'm home now. but i have to wake up EARLY to move jen tomorrow.

no time to post

after work margaritas with ch, then home to pay bills but g came over (finally!) to wax my hair. and now it's past my bedtime because i need to go to MARKHAM, il tomorrow for jury duty. blech.

wanna be brando post

1995
i'm 14 years old, watching tv with my dad in his living room. my parents are recently divorced, and so the tv divide becomes very apparent- dad watches alot, mom keeps hers in the basement. it kind of provides a backdrop for my depressed excapism- i'm so unhappy with my life i read voraciously at moms, and i watch tv programs at dads. but this night is after my programs are done, dad has control of the remote. he's unhappy with all of his sports games and there are no sci fi programs on, and he's just flipping through channels. he stops on one with a blonde chick entering an apartment with another woman who has a huge mane of curly flaming red hair. the red haired woman takes off her jacket and procedes to walk around naked hunting for her clothes, much to the embarrassment of the blond chick and her tv audience. dad quickly flips the channel and says, "i didn't know you could show that on tv. it's sad how far things have come."
2002
i'm working with ch, who tells me all the media i need to know. i am often appalled of his discriptions of tv shows. when i watch tv, i find myself ironically saying dad's quote. people will swear and i will say, "i didn't know they let people say that on tv."
2005
i'm getting bored with the movies on my neflix queue. so i decide to move some up. i move up tales of the city, and plan on watching it with ch, but then i get impatient and watch it myself. it's so fabulous, this is what 28 barbary lane looks like, there are mrs. madrigal's pot plants, and then there's the scene! between mona and maryanne! how in the world did san francisco subculture in the 1970s make it to my pennslvaninan tv set? would dad and i have watched it if we had flicked it on at another moment? i'll never know. it's really creepy, though. it's like it really is one of my postcards, sent to the past.

search functions

wouldn't it be cool if you could search amazon by pictures? there's this book i saw people reading on the el, and i have no idea what the title is, or who the author is. but i can see the cover so clearly- it's a light sky blue, and there's this photograph of a hand covered in the round, colored, candy sprinkles. i was looking in the bookstore today but i guess i missed it's peak. anyone out there know?

the wedding

feels like it's been a long time- i don't miss posting often. it makes me proud- i always love being busy enough on weekends not to blog, makes me feel like i have a life. when i got to work saturday morning i already had everything so neatly organized i just started wiring orchids with my nervous energy. my ride arrived right when i started to worry, and they did have a big car- no problems with fitting the garland box in. i didn't really know how to direct people so i ended up setting up myself, which was fine, i had plenty of time. it did look really nice. i hope my pics turn out. g came, driving joe's car. she was a help, if it was anyone else i would be mad at her for her lack of emotional support, and how she left right after the wedding and decided not to go to the reception. but she has her own vineyard ghosts to exorsize, i can''t expect her comfort with mine. and along with ghosts, for me there were also old friends. all those people who live all over the world who were the reason i moved to hyde park, why i stuck with the hyde park vineyard for almost 5 years. when i was starting talking about the flowers here, i realized no one who i've given this address to reads here. then i remembered- christie. she knows i'm out. she's mairee's friend...or at least jon is dave's friend. so that gave me alot of confidence. the wedding was bad- afterwards there were all these people who were like, hey, where've you been, i haven't seen you in a few weeks? and i wasn't falsley self depricating, or cruel, saying, a few weeks? try a year? haven't you noticed? but i was straightforward, looking them in the eye, saying, "i've been in hyde park."

i sometimes think i've forgotten how to deal with babies, but there was this great moment at the reception after i'd redistributed all the flowers and was finally free, and could get something to eat. i was ladleing my drink and i hear a knee high voice say "chuse" and there's lily, holding her cup. i was glad to see her as that meant christie was there. so i poured her juice, and felt like a baby recognixed my comfort with her. i do better with something to do. i tend to ignore beings who can't make conversation. it's not a prejudice against babies in particular. i hung out with christie and lily mostly at the reception, i think she was glad to have an adult keep her company.

the reception was better. the truely rediculous had left, and the people who i've missed where there. however, it seemed i had to keep explaining over and over the story of not being a christian anymore. it's very exhausting to me. the whole thing was. the nostalgia, for this community but also for the way i used to feel about jesus, and love. i'm so jaded. i had such bitterness in my heart, knowing that this was what mairee had been longing for so long, and here is the production, and it's just the way it should be. they believe all this religious stuff, so the service makes sense in the concept of mairee and dave. and knowing it will never be this way for me. i will never again have such focused devotion to god. we sang blessed be, the song that taunted me when i was loosing my faith. it's a good verse then a bad verse, about always praising god: "Blessed Be Your name/ When I'm found in the desert place / Though I walk through the wilderness / Blessed Be Your name / Every blessing you pour out / I'll turn back to praise / When the darkness closes in / Still I will say / Blessed be the name of the Lord...Blessed be Your name / On the road marked with suffering / Though there's pain in the offering / Blessed be Your name...you give and take away / You give and take away / My heart will choose to say/ Lord Blessed be your name"

and the idea of finding your True Love. first i don't know if i believe it, true love always and forever, i want to desperately, but i'm not sure i do. i can't really imagine that happening to me. to either find someone who fits all my exacting standards... or to find someone i feel so pasionately about i don't mind setting aside all my exacting standards for. (but never the bacon thing. i will compromise on much, but never the bacon thing.) and no matter how much i live in denial, lets face it, that person's not gonna be a guy. the whole me in the white dress with my 4 best friends and sister flanking me in blue dresses and orchids while my beloved is in his tux with his groomsmen is not gonna happen. if nothing else, how could i get married without ch being one of my attendants? (and let me tell you, the day i'm supposed to look my most beautiful i will NOT be wearing white!) the thing that hurts the most about the future is the thought that i'll never have that congregation of adoring friends and family from all over the world, looking up at me with love and approval. if i would ever manage to stand up there with a guy, i'd be feeling "this isn't me, they're all sending their adoration to someone i'm not, i'm using him for approval, a passport, his money or cooking skills or something." and if i stood up there with a girl, i would feel all those disaproving vibes, that this couldn't be true love, that this is wrong, that the're here to let me know they'll love me through my stupid decisions and to pick up the pieces when such a doomed love is bound to fail. the only time i'm ever gonna be in front of everyone who knows me from all over the world, and they'll all be united in unconditonal love for me, surrounded with flowers, is at my funeral. and i won't be around there to enjoy it. i guess other florists talk about what kind of flowers they want at their weddings... ch and i do discuss funeral flowers (he wants arabicum and eremerus. i want viburnum and alium... i better die in the spring...) i guess it's macabre, but perhaps that's just the plight of gay society...

anyway, i had a few good conversations at the reception. sarah v was there, who i was so happy to see. she was the first christian i ever talked about my sexuality with. i had such a nice long uninterupted conversaton with her- quite a feat at a wedding. she amazes me by asking about the same old thing with totally different questions, questions that take so much thought and i never feel quite able to answer sufficiently. discussing my loss of faith was totally different with her than anyone else. she also asked me an awesome question, what do you miss most? and i said the community, and everyone getting together once a week to sing. i never sing in public anymore, just my home and the back of the flowershop. i want to become friends with her again, even though she's in boston.

another amazing interaction was with one of dave's friends, james, mairee's exboyfriend. he was so real in the way he said he missed me, and noticed i was gone, and asked such real questions, and gave such satisfying excuses. he's such a kind person, and not a pothead. he was the one that got us tickets to the indigo girls show at the metro. i think i want to be friends with him, too, but i don't know how to be friends with straight boys. the pressure is rather on, as he lives in chicago.

there were a couple i was sad about, nan didn't come to the reception, claudius always surprises me with his coldness, and mairee's little sister... i don't know how to be friends with her, maybe she's not looking for friends, especially not far away ones her sister's age, but there is something in my heart that just calls for her. i see something of me in her, perhaps, and i know how much i needed someone like my current self in my life then, and i wanna be that person for someone else. you know, a grownup who thinks i'm cool and beautiful and turning into an amazing person, and encourages me to do the things my parents hate, but is wiser than my friends, and has an appartment in a far away city... it all comes back to the nields' this town is wrong- "you only need your toothbrush, 50 bucks, that velvet shirt that brings you luck, the voice that's your mother's investment. by morning will be long gone, on the run, city bound, i know someone, i'm sure we can stay at her apartment." i wanna be that someone.

anyway, christie and jon gave us a ride home, and i was too exhausted to be much of a friend to anne. i felt like i wasn't making very good use of our precious time together. but it was fine. funny to have her stay here- i stayed at her apartment so many times when i was flying out of o'hare or shooting the movie on the northwest side. today she went to church and i putzed around the house, then we went north and she saw my new place and we met her brother for dinner. there was a moment, and it's that moment that i hate, it was like my mom on the bus ride home from charles' party last year. when i know i'm not gonna come out to her, there's just no way it's gonna happen this trip. and if anne is the most likely christian i'll tell, where does that leave me?

it leaves me in a place where i should stop worrying so much, stop being so obsessive, and trying to organize other peoples lives and my own emotions. that's where it leaves me!

personal flowers

no ch today, he was helping jack move. it was an average day, but i didn't seem to be able to manage to get the wedding stuff done. today's list was all the boutonierres and corsages, as well as the flower groupings for the tops of the garland. and organizing everything. jim came in at 2, and he's almost a help. he left a little after 5, and i'd gotten all the corsages done. i was there for another hour and a half. there was a bit of panic about the bridesmaid's boquets- because they're orchids, we left them out overnight, but all the ivy that didn't have a water source and was terribly wilted. so i added orchids and more ivy to them, and clipped off the wilted bits, and stuck as many ends as i could find into the wet foam. now i just have to decide if i want to waterpak them on the way there- how long can ivy be out of water before it starts to droop? everything has to last 5 hrs. from when i take it out of the cooler- from 9 when i get there until 2, an hour after the wedding. that's all the more i care about.
anyway, i need to eat dinner, go to bed, so i can wake up early tomorrow. wish me luck!

more flowers

wasted so much time online today. ugh. my apartment is still a mess. there are still radishes to be drawn. anne comes the day after tomorrow. mairee's wedding is the day after tomorrow. today i prepared all of the stephonotis. you pull off their stems, push the pistils out, and push the spongestem up through the middle of the flower. then you put a pearlheaded pin in the middle to make it look pretty. they smell marvelous. also processed all the roses, plucked them down and cleaned them up. today was boquet day. i made 5 bridesmaids boquets, which are purple orchids and ivy. ch made the altar arrangements, wild spring explosions. i'll see if i can find a picture for you. then i made her bouquet. it's about a dozen ravel roses with a bunch of the stephonotis stuck in between and ivy all curled around the outside: i'll take pictures on saturday, hopefully it will all work out. talked to g today, she sounded stoned. though i know she would never, she's just tired. she moved, she graduated, her parents and sisters came and left. i wouldn't be surprised if she stood me up on sat. i'm beginning to wonder if she's even worth breaking up with. naw, she's just tired. and look at my mother. her ability to carry on her own conversation regardless of if or what i have to say continually amazes me.
i bought my ticket to michfest and am now trying to find a way to get there. it's not looking good. say a prayer for me.
finally, i uploaded more pictures! see, grandma sent a letter to me saying she's still willing to pay for my ticket if i want to come to the riddle reunion (fat chance, it's on ch's birthday party) and saying that they're making a family tree and they need a pic for me. i wanted to send one from ch's housewarming when stacy was in town, so i got them all put on disk. i'll post them all tomorrow, but to whet your appetite, here's the pic of myself i'm sending to my grandma in west pa for her to put on the family tree:

wedding flowers!

all of mairee's wedding flowers came in today. so many boxes! such a high bill! oh dear oh dear. we'll have lots of extras. ch didn't seem too mad at me- i guess that's just how weddings go. and he was the one to give me quantities for the greens, so it's his fault we'll have 1/2 a box of scrub ivy left. yesterday we made our big checklist, so today we started following it. we processed all the flowers and put them in buckets in the cooler to stay lovely until the event. i soaked the corsage and stephonotis stems. and we made all the garland. 19 pieces at 2 ft. for the backs of the chairs, and 2 pieces at 7 ft. for the railings. yes, we made 52 feet of garland today. it's sprengeri fern with bits of scrub ivy and regular varigated ivy, and gypsophilia. the day of the wedding, i'll add a hot pink ravel rose and two bits of yellow solidago to each one. hopefully it will look like a jungle!
at the end of the day today we had a balloon delivery. they were going to an event at the allegra hotel. crazy, walking with ch through rush hour traffic, with these enormous balloon boquets. only one annoying guy asking what happenend today. i said, um, i think they're for a party. ch was laughing and when we passed the guy, he said, they're for a funeral, sir. i laughed and said i wanted balloons for my funeral. he asked what kind, and i said characters, because we don't order those at our classy flowershop. and he laughed and said i'd have helium veggie tales pallbearers. sounds like good times to me- too bad i won't be around.

photos, etc.

since i didn't get north yesterday, i decided to go after work today. so i drug my big floor pillow and the rest of my cds to work. it was pretty silly. when ch heard i was, he suggested we go out to celebrate, since we're both going north! he's into taking the brown line and transfering at belmont, which i CANNOT understand- when we both live north i don't think we'll ride home together. anyway, we dropped off my stuff. the door to the bacony was shut, so i don't know if it was the wind or if someone was there, but nothing else was done. the stove still isn't hooked up, and we discovered the electric really is shut off. sigh. i hope everything starts the day it's supposed to. we headed one stop north to the heartland cafe, which i'd always heard of but never been. it was fine, not amazing, but i may have ordered the wrong thing. tasted like healthfood, which i think is good if you're in the mood. i'll take a when she's in town, it's a place full of personality, ch said it's boulder of the east. it's funny for this native pensylvanian to think of chicago as east of much, but i guess it is.
any way, you don't really care about that, what you're waiting for is pictures. so here they are, enjoy and comment:

leah and i
g and couscous
the questionable tube top (with and without sparkly belt, head)
drawn on wrist tatoo
ripped up rendering and g's gift
fields of lavender, research books

jamie commented!

... and my response was getting too long for the haloscan box, and you all can take it as a comment to you, too, you lurkers. so,
thank you, thank you! i am officially moving july 2nd. the 4th is one of our few national holidays, so we have a long weekend. so all are invited to come and help- you don't have to be strong or drive, just be enthusiastic. there will be indian food when we're done!
i am starting to move a few pieces here and there, though. i'm really enthusiastic about having it over with, and i hate the idea of trying to live in two houses, but i don't wanna wish away half my summer.
it's too hot here to do anything- which i think is how it should be. you shouldn't have to write papers in it, but you also shouldn't lock yourself up in artifically cold environments all day so you can be productive. we have all sorts of street fairs and markets and a BEACH by jove, and i think chicagoans need to love the humidity and the snow. it's just CRAZY- it's hard to imagine wearing any clothing these days, and impossible to look at my coat.
pictures tomorrow! honest!

finished!

hey kiddos, the paper is done. this means that i'll post NEW PICTURES if anyone ever comments.

hottie

guess who didn't spend a single moment on her paper today? finally got out my pastels from meike and drew her a beautiful pepper last night. i'm really into vegetables. it was so freeing, instead of these itty bitty details on these teeny tiny renderings painted with 00 brushes, i scribble RED and BLUE in these big lobes of pepper on 11x14 paper. i really like it- it's rather luminecent. it's totally different from something frances would critique and something that i'm proud of everytime i walk by. now i just need to by some fix so i can close the notebook...

woke up rather early out of habit and packed my backpack full of cds. i took a milk crate of 1/2 finished sewing projects and 3/4 of my cd collection the new place (officially named lucile). i've never been to lucile by myself before, and had a horrific time with the keys- everything needs to be wd40ed. but now that i know what keys are SUPPOSED to work where, i should be able to jiggle them. my stove's still not hooked up and there's still wires all over the kitchen. by myself in the incredible humidity, i could see it more of the hovel it is. the mirrored doors are all warped and green. i got my first piece of mail in my new mailbox- the electric company wants a deposit from me. and EVERYTHING sticks. the kitchen is cemented in paint. the windows don't open, the cabinets don't close, none of the fixtures, the knobs and things, work. but it's ok, mom's comming, she's done good work here. i opened the balcony door, and i always want to sit in the doorway like cecila, and never can because there's all these frames and stuff, but i noticed the windowsills on either side are really deep, and there's enough room for me to sit on them. so i CAN sit on my balcony! i suppose if i tried really hard i could get a litttle forman grill to sit on the windowsill. if i wanted to. if i ate meat. so anyway, i dropped off the cds and sewing stuff, then headed a few stops south to meet ch, jack and joe at the andersonville midsommar street fair. ch has dubbed it the 3rd gayest neighborhood festival in chicago (after pride and halsted market days) it was fun, your basic stuff, the irish stepdancers (though the boys are disolusioned now that they know they're wigs) the blooming onions, the silver ring vendors and chicago t-shirts.

OH! i forgot to tell you all what i was wearing!!! top down- dreads tied up in g's silk scarf. barbie heart sunglasses. vintage halter bikini top with bambi print (like from when bambi first came out!). and g's jeans. oh yes. pants in public. they're too long, so i was trying them on with my vintage clogs and platform target sandals and sexy southstreet heels, and they all look fabulous, but i can't walk long distances in any of them, so i ended up wearing my good old docs.
ch gave me SUCH the proper response. he's like "hi..." then he notices my legs and goes, wow. he was pretty speachless. joe, jack didn't really understand, and he's like, "you don't understand, this is the first time i've EVER seen her in pants." he stared and they were admiring, and it made me feel good. we started to walk down the street, and he turns around and says to me, "all this time, i thought they were wheels." gotta love this guy!
as opposed to jack- ch says they look good, i say thanks but they're tight, ch says they're supposed to be, and i say, "yeah, i guess that's how the kids are wearing them these days" and jack gives me a disparaging look and says, "honey, you ARE a kid." DUH! it was a JOKE! geez. but when i was whining about my apartment, he said he had a palm sander and would help me grind my cabinets. we made a couple of lewd jokes from that one.

anyway, the beer tent was selling this good fuzzy bacari raspberry stuff, it reminded me of mike's hard lemonade. it was fun to be able to drink at a street festival! ch has a new phone so my pride flipflops don't show up when i call anymore. he needs a new picture of me, so he took one today, in my heartshaped sunglasses, pants, and holiding a plastic beer cup. yeah! i feel more in than a sorority girl!

we're kinda standing around, waiting for ch and jack to finish their wursts, and they're all checking out guys, and these two chicks walk by- if there are any lesbians in chicago, they live in andersonville- and ch stops midsentence and says, she was totally checking you out! i say, which one! and he says, the one with the mohawk!

all right! how can i whine about not getting my paper written if i'm being checked out by a mohawked chick?

when i got home, anne called from sanfranciso and we made plans for mairee's wedding next week, then i ate dinner watching the simpsons. got another loving email from leah, how could i not go to michfest with such a charmer? she assaged all my fears.
now if only i could get this paper written. thank god i'm off again tomorrow. viva la summer! (or sommar, in swedish)

book meme!

well, actually, i've filled out a book meme before. it's here, surprisingly enough there is little overlap.


Number of books you own:
214, give or take a few. that was my count, anyway.


Last book bought:
persepolis and the ecology of desire, but they were gifts. so, romeo and juliet, the contemporary fim the classic play- i bought it for a class. ch gave me mystery by peter straub but i haven't read it yet.


Last book I read:
culture shock germany by richard lord and a door in the hedge by robin mckinley, and a million costume history books for my paper.

Five books that mean a lot to me (aka. changed my life):
The teenage liberation handbook, grace llewellyn. got me out of high school. kept me from insanity.
drawing on the right side of the brain, by dr. betty edwards. taught me to draw. amazing.
the drifters, james michener. incredible readible cultural history novel on the 1960s. got my curriculum my senior year from it.
am i blue? ed. mariane bauer. young adult coming out short stories. showed me a whole new genre.
flower essence repertory, patricia kaminski- my guide to mental health

five books that mean a lot to me (aka i read over and over again):
the outlaws of sherwood- robin mckindley
and both were young (or small rain)- madeline l'engle
enchantment-orson scott card
dancing shoes- noel streatfeild
little lord fautleroy- frances hodgston burnett


The rules:
I’ve got to answer the four questions, then tag five other fellow bloggers. If I tag you, copy the questions from here, then post the questions along with your answers on your own blog. I’ve done my part. Now you do yours. Here’s the list of the folks I chose to tag:

umm, memes come here to die?
samir, jamie, tre? anyone interested?

next post: photo links!

friday random 10

1. if you intend- 10,000 maniacs
2. merry blues remix- manu chao
3. rimshot- erykah badu
4. beautiful turn back time machine- dada
5. so far, so pleased- prince
6. what's the only thing worse than the end of time?- katell keineg
7. deserve it- madonna
8. you made this love a teardrop- nanci griffin
9. a different point of view- pet shop boys
10. the gentleman who fell- milla

so, what's the connection? i feel this list is a) very appoachable (everone knows at least one of these artists, it's not as obscure as my random tends to be), b) rather depressed, in either a sad or angry way, and c) full of very long song titles.

Hug an artist today you cockjuggling thunder cunt

well! all sorts of unrelated things to blog about! i think i'll just post 4 or 5 different entries. i'm HOT and tired. i should be doing research and writing my paper, but i can't move. i walked to rajun cajun and got indian food for dinner (i HAVE been eating the same salads for 3 meals straight and deserve a change, and it's too hot to cook) and am reading my robin mckinley fairy tale book. it's a happy world view. culture shock germany is just making me depressed. i don't know why anyone would want to go to germany after reading it. i want to go and prove him wrong, but the hoops are just incredible. it seems there are only 2 easy ways of moving to germany, and that's joining the military or marrying a german. being a lesbian pasifist, this is obviously not happening. grrr. i just need to stop being so lazy and learn the language. even the grammar. (well, i should probably write this damn paper first...)

so, continuing to procrastinate, i signed online. the other day, mac at pesky apostrophe was mocking the dress code at bob jones university. i could almost relate, so scary. anyway, i was drawing a guy in a suit yesterday and telling pam about it, and then i sent her the link. she responded back today, saying,
"oh HELL NO. I'm sorry, but victorians change their
clothing less than these people have to. You might as
well make a cot in your room for your mom to stay,
since you can't even dress yourself.

And, while I do admit that abercrombie probably is the
devil's work, really, how is their shit ANY different
than most of the other name label shit out there? Did
anyone really ASK Christ if he was offended instead of
so rudely assuming? Geez.

I'm going to start my own college where everyone must
wear fishnets, even the men, with a minimum of 2 holes
per leg. And if we can tell what color your hair
naturally is, you have to get a mohawk. There must
also be a 3 piece minimum of vinyl in your wardrobe,
and wearing beige will get you expelled."

i thought this was SOOO funny, i started clicking on her links at the bottom, and would you believe it- she's got a blog! it's here, and even though she doesn't post very often, what she does post is amazing. after our lunch in the park (i love being mentioned in others blogs!) she had a crazy woman on her train ride home, and posted a beautiful spew about art. the title to this post is a quote from that post, btw. and the previous one. OH MY GOD. it gets a link all of it's own, GODDAMNIT! the musical. and the musical has such a great scene with the infamous frances:
"Evil wheelchair bound villain rolls on as loud wind noises are heard. She is wielding an orange jacket that looks like a rug and cackling with glee. behind her, the costume shop sings the Hurricane Frances song:"It looks like we're gonna be blown away, Hurricane Frances hits today. She decimates all that she touches, runs you down with her chair, you'll be on crutches. She is the definition of pain...look out, it's a hurricane!"
and then, later,
"Lights up slowly as sinister music starts. We see the costume shop. The staff is humming the hurricane song and trying not to look disdainful as villain is waiting for heroine.

Villian: HAHA!!!! Villain throws out a long piece of piping with a bloddy rubber finger on one end and chases heroine with it.
Heroine is once again cornered by sewing machine, as a giant orange jacket unfolds itself from the scenery behind her and looms menacingly over the stage.

heroine starts a medley of I don't want to be here as staff continues to hum the hurricane song and the villain exposits to music.

"I'm here to drive you crazy, you've got nothing better to do. So stitch and stitch and stitch and stitch, remember I'm paying you! Just stitch and stitch and stitch and stitch and stitch and stitch some more! And while's you're over there stitching...I'll go home and watch cartoons!!!

Villain leaves in a gail of laughter. Fabric blows on to simulate hurricane cloud. Debris flies across stage striking the staff."

it's so perfect. i am happy to be an extra being hit with debris in the musical of pam's life.
and i know better, i will never stich for her! as if the whole figure drawing stuff isn't enough.
anyway, kira's book meme and friday random 10 coming next.

picnic

last night i told more of what was going on inside my brain than the exterior stuff. what i was doing was cooking- i had these beets and this eggplant, as well as the leftover salady stuff from monday's cooking extravaganza. and see, pam and i had made plans to get together and work on my people drawing skills. we live too far away from each other, so we decided to meet downtown, and since it was noon we thought we'd just find someplace to eat first, but then when i got cooking last night i decided to make it a picnic, so that's what we did. she had a book to return to harold washington, so we met in the children's library. i'd gotten there early of course, and found an old friend- some fairy tales of robin mckindley's- and curled up on a brightly painted bench next to my german shopping korb. good ol goth pam came flowing in with her cooler and sarcaoughogus backpack, and we were off. we wandered east to grant park, trying to find a good picnicking spot (though lots of streets run through it, grant park is almost a square mile) the west side of congress was crowded with setup for this weekend's festival ( i don't know which one, gospel, maybe?) so we contiued east to buckingham fountain, and found a nice knoll under some trees by the rose garden. i laid out my aguao blanket and my spread of jicama arugala fennel salad, odessa beets (beets, pinapple and walnuts) and macedonian salad (roasted eggplant in a lemony herby vinagrette with parsley, peppers, and tomatoes). they complemented so nicely with pam's cheese cubes, buns, and fruit (nectarines, watermellon, and strawberries!) it was lavish and delicious. we chatted and then closed up the food, and talked for awhile about her sketchbook and her projects... then got down to the dirty work. i had to actually DRAW. ew. it was so fun, last night, choosing a new sketchbook, buying some good drawing paper (i lost all of my paper in the fire, and have only been replentishing it for classes, and no one's required drawing in the past year. so i only have tracing paper and watercolor paper and blocks). and getting other random things i neede while i was at utrecht, a silver rollerball (where DID mine go?) white glue, and then paintbrushes were on sale so i bought a size 1, but it's cotman, so we'll see if it's worth the 3 bucks. pam was a great help. she really quized me on my drawing history, and came up with the good suggestion of going back to drawing on the right side of the brain and doing activites from there, to see if i could shut up the frances voice in my head. it's funny, when i first started drawing i amazed myself, and i've always had that mean nasty voice, but now it definately sounds like frances. i can just hear her sighing, "now, shoulders don't look like that." i whine while i draw, as i'm sure g knows, but today it was all frances related, and i could hear myself. i said that that was it, i wasn't gonna talk about her anymore, but that shut me up. however, the person i'm happiest with came from that. pam's taken anatomy for the artist at her other school, and i can say things like, "now what in the world DO legs look like?" and she can say, well the knee curves like this, and the curve at the outside of the calf is smother and lower than the one on the inside, and the outside of the ankle is more lumpy than the inside..." and i kinda followed her suggestions, and what do you know? i've got decent legs. and then i'm like, wow, with legs this good she needs a short skirt! so i draw on a short skirt, and some fishnets, and then i give her a leather bra, and tada! unfortunately, i had some face issues, and the current one isn't phenominal, but it's ok. so one week done. now i just have to do it for the remaining 12 weeks of summer vacation...
but i'm gonna draw other things too! i'm gonna take pam's advice and go back to doing what i like to do- or what i feel like i can do. i haven't used pastels since i moved to chicago, i think, and meike gave me such a nice set for christmas, i really should do something beatiful for her. (unfortunately, all the beautiful veggies which were in my fridge are now cut up into salads...)
so, the conclusion is, drawing is still agonizing, and i still suck at it, but i may be able to make myself get the practice i need. and at least from the exterior, it was magical- a snapshot of my present i'd like to send back to my past. brando is always going back and visiting his younger self, and i can't do that, but one time in high school i'm walking home dejectedly down march street, and i see something colorful in the grass, and i pick it up, and it's a photograph of me and pam under our tree on my bright purple blanket, with the skyscrapers behind us and the picnic basket beside us, and there i am, with a friend, with our sketchbooks, and i'm wearing teh same outfit- meike's brown gauze skirt and the first amanda top i'd ever made. but the older me is obviously so much cooler- even without the sketchbook and cityscape, i've got my little dreadlocked bob tied up with the scarf i got from g, i've got a silver ring in my nose, and my acne's cleared up. and knowing that this photograph came from my future is enough encouragement for me to stick around long enough to get there.
that was supposed to be the end of the post, but now i'm wondering- why do i always send back photos to high school? have i taken any pictures yet to send back to su casa? lord knows i needed them then. and what about now? i should be receiving photographs now from my future. what do they look like. i have the feeling that i will be sending postcards then to me now, but unfortunately they're in german and i can't read them well enough yet to know what i'm telling me. but perhaps thee fact that they're postcards, and they're IN german, should be enough.

stereotypes and stories

riding home after work today, the bus was packed as usual. it's a million degrees, and it seems none of the #6 have airconditioning. sigh. i'm standing in front of this sleepy asian girl, she looks about my age, and she's wearing a skimpy shirt like everyone else on the bus and you can see her 2 vaccination scars, a smallpox one and another. she's too young to be vaccinated for school (like, say, my parents were) so she must have gotten it done when moving to the country. i start thinking up stories for her- was she old enough to remember immagrating? do her parents speak english? does she still speak their language? what is it like growing up with parents who speak a different language than you? then i realized how many assuptions i was making about her- maybe this isn't home for her, and she's just traveling. it's always interesting to me when my boring commute home is someone else's excting adventure. i wonder if she feels the same way about chicago as i do with germany, full of excitement and adventure... of course, she could be american born and bred, and she went to, say, south america or someplace and had to get vaccinated for that. who knows? after all this surmising, perhaps i should have asked her, and found out which was right.
i think i'm aware more of sterotyping since i'm reading culture shock germany, recomended by jamie. i'm not convinced, actually. he makes some sweeping generalizations, and a few of them are kinda true, but lots aren't. for one thing, the book was written almost 10 years ago, and that changes the general attitude of a culture, i think. i mean, american culture is definately different than 10 years ago, so i'm sure german culture is too. i think goethe's split soul that he talks about is true, though- and with a past like germany's, who wouldn't be confused about nationalism? it's very different from americans, who are PROUD to be americans ("where at least i know i'm free") regardless of all the bloody, shameful events in our history. and yes, americans say things just to be nice, but germans aren't that brusque- at least not the ones i've encountered. perhaps the north germans are rudely (but not meanly) straightforward, and the south germans seem to tell you the brutal truth as nicely as possible. he says germans are pessimistic, and i don't know if i run with the wrong germans or the wrong americans, but i think people here are much more pessamistic- we exaggerate too much, germans are more realistic. finally, he talks about how wonderfully mild german climate is and what a difference there is from north to south. yes, i guess the beach is on the north coast and there are the alps on the south, but please, compared to america- it's like a 5grad difference from north to south on the weather map. and ever german i know complains bitterly about the weather. i know alot of americans who complain about the weather, too, but i think there's more reason in most of america... of course, any time germans are in america, they seem to be much more optimistic and view extreme weather as an excting adventure!
anyway, before that i was reading short stories by lesléa newson (of heather has two mommies fame) and learned all sorts of lesbian stereotypes i didn't know. at least, i think they're stereotypes. the biggest is the whole butch/femme thing. and how they are only attracted to each other and there has to be one of each in a couple. or the concept of "lesbian until graduation." i believe it, but it's disturbing anyway. all in all, i guess i just found the stories depressing, for the most part. things i learned: jewish relatives are unbearable and ununderstanding (hey, no surprise for me, but still...) moving in together ruins relationships, and no one ever wants the same amount of sex, and if that doesn't kill the relationship, having kids will. ugh. makes me happy to be single.

life is short

the butterfly boucher song is playing in my head. long day at work today, so so tired. could barely keep my eyes open. don't know what's going on with ch, if he just had a headache or if it was something bigger. but there were numerous tense moments. example- he's all obsessed with anna nalick right now, and one was playing, all power chords without alot of dynamics, and he said, "i think this should be her next single." and i say, "i think the other one should be, the bird one, um, like, everything will be ok, fly little bird away..." and he gives me this disparaging look and says "i don't think she sings anything about birds." he thinks it's the hit, breathe, and i say no of cousre not, and finally i get the lyrics, and it IS paper bag, and the lyric is "it'll be okay, fly little BEE away" which i think is pretty damn close. but maybe he was just feeling fragile, cause earlier someone came on and i looked at itunes to see who it was, and ch said, "i really like this new moby album" and i could say, "um, it's not moby." he listened for a moment and and recognized it as snow patrol, but i still got in my moments of schadenfreude. during his breakup, he texted me lots of song lyrics, including ana teroja's "tan fragil como el cristal" and i think it's often appropriate- that played today, too, btw.
talking with both g and ch about michigan womyn's music festival was helpful. g was like, "but how would you feel if you were all by yourself there?" and i'm like, well, lots of people seem to go by themselves. it's more being surrounded by people who know each other and are exclusive than being alone. i don't expect leah to follow my every move, but i know whatever the situation she'll be kind to me. then ch... god, it's so wonderful, he's so male sometimes. my mother used to be the one to give me perspective in my life, but now she doesn't really care. but she's so fast to give advise, and ch you have to actively ask for it, usally. anyway, i tell him the situation, and he asks, "what are your options?" so instead of saying i could go or i couldn't, i surprise myself and tell him my transport options- hitching a ride, flying, train. i guess i really do want to go, regardless of company. i try and backpetal to less-definate-plan ground, and say, "so i guess the big question is do i want to camp with all of her friends who don't like me?" "how do you know they don't like you?" he asks. "cause they don't wanna roadtrip with me!" i say. he laughs at me, and says, "um, i think this is something you should discuss with your councellor, not with leah's friends." it was good confirmation to me that that part of my brain is being a whiny bitch and i should ignore her. plus, i think it's always good advice to ignore g and do what ch recomends- it's always worked for me in the past.
i've been reading chicklit lately, lesbian brain trash mostly. so that and talking to g about her roommate's engagements has me thinking alot about relationships. i've never been in a relationship (of the romantic sort, i mean, and my qualification is to like each other and hold hands together) but i think i know who i'd be- the clingy one, the one loves the other too much, and is too jelous, and eventually drives them away. it's a poplar theme. i can't imagine loving someone and growing old and finding them unsexy. i don't think i have it in me to be the type to withold sex to get what i want. you would always be able to win me over saying life is short- you don't know what tomorrow will bring- is it worth it? a long time ago when i was whining about being lonely, g said she thought i was the kind of person who didn't date around but when i found the right person, i would know, and boom, it would be first and only together forever. i wonder if she still thinks that of me now that she knows i'm not looking for boys anymore? while it's a novel idea, i still kinda waffle between my past philosphy from church- "one of my spiritual gifts is singleness" and future one from kissing jessica stein, "i don't believe in that "the one" stuff anymore... i think there's more like...um...seven."

christopher!

all i did was cook for christopher. all day today. it was lovely! not letting myself worry about anything. i got up early cause of the construction, and i did the dishes and started the cashew barley buns and made the pinapple salsa. then i went downtown to turn in my renderings. i came back, punched down and kneaded the dough, made the chocolate strawberry cobbler for desert, baked the buns, and made the salad- arugala, orange, jicama and fennel. i vaccumed around and wiped down the bathroom. when the buns were done i turned off the oven and opened the door to let it cool, then i went out, cause it's so hot here, and my oven makes the kitchen unbearable. i got potting soil and chocolate and sugar and paperclips- almost everything on my list (didn't have time to go to the natural foodstore for arrowroot powder- what is it, anyway?) then i came back home and made the brazillian black bean soup.
it was all a success except for the buns. they are little hockey pucks, with the barley getting stuck in your teeth. but christopher seemed to like them. it's so gratifying to feed a boy. they eat so much. and christopher is such an adveturous one. he liked it all, and i felt gratified. i think i have a new friend. he's so crazy- serious add or something- maybe too many drugs. he just talks nonstop, but is easily interuptable or sidetracked. it's a lovely combonation. i can answer the questions i want to and just let slide the rest.
actually, thinking about it, the cobbler kinda sucked, too. it said not to stir it- a bad idea. it needs to be stired. but there were strawberries and strawberry sorbet to go with it, so how bad could it be?
christopher brought wine, and we drank enough of the terrible stuff i asked him to do the dishes and he did, so that's always delightful.
on a sad note, i got an email from leah that i can't roadtrip with them. i don't know what to do now, if i should try and get to the michigan womyn's festival on my own, or if it's a sign i should stay home. g's on im right now and am talking it over with her. i always go against her advice, so we'll see what she says.

uncomfortable

always makes me think of ruth- i taught her to sound more american by saying it with 4 sylables instead of 5. un-comf-ter-ble. anyway, paintings are done. to my liking, anyway. another 4 hrs. worth of work on the dang things. i think there's little difference, but hopefully frances won't think so. and after all my procrastinating, my house is clean, my groceries are bought, and my library books returned! all i need to do is vaccuum and dishes (of course!) and i'll be ready to start cooking for chris! it's after midnight, but i feel like staying up. this is a big problem, because even though i have tomorrow off, the construction crew outside my window doesn't. so there's no way i'll be sleeping in. plus, it's a million degrees here. ok, only in the 80s. but 100% humidity. so i probably won't even fall asleep to begin with. so i'll be exhausted all the time. but think of the cute little sundresses i can wear!

i don't WANNA paint

well, today i've read both of my overdue books, picked up my books from the library, cleaned my apartment, written all kinds of quotes in my quotebook, went grocery shopping, did laundry....
anything to avoid redoing these renderings. talking of the phone, typing on my blog...
but i'm out of distractions now. no movies. i must do them. now.

unacomplished, pants

do you all like the green? i couldn't find a good purple that didn't glow. today's been hopeless. woke up in a bad mood too early- grrrrr construction! i managed to switch com ed and start people's energy up, but sbc is proving troublesome. also- i haven't cleaned my wallet and balanced my accounts since the end of april. so i spent some serious time in front of the computer, ended up not leaving the house for the library until 1. g and i were gonna get together today, so i called her and let her know my plans, and she said she wasn't doing anything today, so whenever i was available it would be fine.
i put in my contacts before leaving the house so i could wear my sunglasses, and that was my mistake, i think. i saw the bus go accross as i crossed cornell, so i was like, shoot, i'll have to wait 10 min. well. 20 min. later, still no bus. the sky gets darker and darker. the wind starts blowing violently. major thunderstorm. at 35 min, a bus comes by, packed to the gills, and there's no space for me. 40 min before a bus with space comes! this is incredible! luckily z called and told me all about the galapagos trip, so that was good, but i still felt like it was alot of wasted time. i'm SO not into researching my paper. certainly not into painting. but i find some books, drag them to circulation, and learn i have an overdue book that can't be renewed because someone else wants it. sigh. so i couldn't even check them out. what a waste of 4 hours! g calls when i'm in the lib. i call her back when i leave, and she gets a hold of me when i'm on the bus back to hyde park. she's just remembered a dinner she has to go to tonight. so will that give us enough time? grrrrr. i'm like, whatever you think. she says well, but i want to see you today! so i'm like fine, ill be right over, but how can you live this way? i'm such a planner girl, i can't understand it. i feel so shafted all the time. i don't think she ever calls anyone else up and says, "you know, i just remembered i'm hanging out with caitlin tonight, can we reschedule?" i just get whatever dribs and drabs of her time is left over. it's not like she's all spontaneous and calls me up and says we're all on our way north, you wanna come? or i'm bored wanna watch a movie now? anyway, she's sorted through her closet for things that she's giving away. i've taken her jean jacket i love so much, a little purple bag, a silk scarf, and her bluejeans that i patched ages ago. they're really tight, but i guess that's how the kids are wearing them these days. i haven't worn bluejeans this millenium. they're so thick and constraining! but i don't know. i think it's time for a major change, and working a few choice pairs of pants back into my wardrobe may be sufficent. so while there, i shortened her red dress straps while she waxed my hair. we were sitting on her bed, but my back was getting stiff so we moved to the living room. anne was there, playing hansen mp3s and asking spanish questions. the ceiling fan was on and i was so cold, and i was really hungry after rushing right over there. organic root stimulator products are CRAP and my hair's been bad since i've been using their locking gel, so g was doing some serious ripping to get the locks apart. and i'm thinking, why am i here? what am i doing? is there any part of this that is ANY fun? perhaps this dinner was a good thing. i'm so over that bitch. didn't even feel all funny inside when she was standing in her undies changing into the red dress for fitting, though did of course stare a bit. came home and cooked, and read the newspapers. i've been trying to read them up to date, but i never get to the bottom. so i've been saving wend, thurs, fri and working through the stack= the bottom was from march 20. so now i'm still half a week behind, but i'm sure now that i'm out of school (kinda..) i'll catch up. did i mention i watched beyond silence last night? really good. i thought it was just a movie from mick's intro to design class, but it was in german! it could have been from design, too, cause the cinamatography was beautiful. i wish i was patient enough to try and watch german movies w/o the subtitles. but they're either too interesting, like this one, and i want to know exactly what they're saying, or they're too boring, like rio des mortes, and i don't really care. what i would REALLY love would be to turn on german subtitles, but that's not an option on stupid zone 1 dvds. or i could just learn german well enough to not need them- what a thought. although i did find that when yelling at the characters, even though i was reading the english subtitles, i did my yelling in german ("nein! das ist nicht ein gute idee! in berlin, bitte! nicht in deine vaters haus!") instead of english. i love the feeling of understanding, even if i'm not, really. i wish i could subtitle the world.

roses everywhere

haven't sleeping well- hope i can fix it by just changing my duvet. i think i still have the winter one out. also- dang construction. it's just so loud. all they were doing this morning was hitting metal things together and using a crosscut saw, but it was still loud enough to wake me up- but i'm sure it's not loud enough to call 911 about. delt with the stupid flowershop in pa that didn't get my mom's plant to her. evelyn and mia and diego came downtown to have lunch with ch. they went to dos hermanos- and the kids got sombreros! i'm jelous. ch way overordered roses last week, and so there were just buckets in the back at the end of the day. 22 pinks and peaches- then i took home the last 7 ambiance roses. i think they're my favourite variety. red intuitiion is my favorite red, and i usally don't like yellows much, but ambiance is such a nice rose- it opens so full, holds so long, has a high petal count, adn the pink blush is beautiful. they came in last thursday, i think, but we could still sell them monday, perhaps- they last that long. anyway, i brought them home. the plan was to give away the pinks and just keep the ambiance, but i couldn't find any takers. g is too tired to go to jen porter with me tonight, so i won't see her after iv. i called the purifoys and no one's home- i'd just leave them on their doorstep, but they travel so much it could be days before they get them. so they're all over the place. 3 ravel in a coffee mug on the back of the toilet (ravell is the rose in mairee's wedding). two laguna in the cruet on the sewing machine. three pinks of some sort in the three vases amy gave me for my bday. and the 14 light pink/peach (i am totally clueless as to the variety) in my big pitcher. they're not really arranged, just sort of propped up, so if someone calls me, i can wrap them up and give them away. please- who would not want to be my friend? (that is, unfortunately, too easy to answer!) the place is a bit of a mess now, i should clean tonight before i go to bed. i certainly have to clean before chris comes over monday. i'm excited- i hope the roses last that long!

media update

oh, and here's this month's links to the booklist and the rather lame movielist. i promise to continue reading and watch many more movies now that i'm on vacation!

better

was goth today- all black clothes at work. ch was in a bad mood too, rafael's been annoying him again- phone calls, email epics. while i was sad ch wasn't able to cheer me up, i'm glad i wasn't feeling giddy and his mood brought me down. we were very clear and careful with each other, and got through the day togehter. and honestly, i was feeling better. after signing off last night i took a bath- i was able to crack my lush insomnia bath bomb in half and that made me happy as i can use it twice. so i climbed into my bath with a bath bomb and my vintage lesbian pulp fiction and my pint of godiva ice cream, and i sucked one of amy's mood drops, and i took lots of flower remedies (gentian, which inspires a positive additude when you feel discouraged or despondent due to setbacks; gorse, which encourages a brighter, more positive perspective when you have no hope left; hornbeam, which restores energy when you are mentally weary, procrastinate, and doubt your ability to face the task ahead; and larch, which instills a greater sense of self-esteem when you feel inferior, fear failure, or lack confidence) then got a pretty good night's sleep. so i was doing everything i could think of to free myself from this mood. but i knew after work today, i'd have to go to the costume shop dinner. i guess lots of people this year ruined costumes and had to pay for them, so we had extra in our fund and got to go out as a big group. i had a dream last night that i was stitting on the end next to frances, and it was awful, and i couldn't stand it anymore and left to go to the bathroom. and i had a little breakdown, and pam eventually came to find me, and i said i couldn't go back to the table, if she could tell them i'd gotten sick and bring me my bag i'd just leave.
it actually turned out to be ok. everyone but michelle was there when i arrived, and there was one seat left on the end. it was kinda segregated, with the students at one end and the professors at the other, and the empty seat was at the professors end, but i sat next to jackie and across from tom. jackie was between me and frances, and though she wanted to switch so i'd be closer to the students, i refused. she told lovely homey stories, and patty too, so that was nice, and i did feel connection with the other end of the table. pam and i made a date to paint next thursday, and chris is coming over for dinner next monday. look at me, making friends with my classmates! tom was great, too- he asked what i was doing this weekend, and i said renderings, and he said, "oh, yes, that's right" sympathetically. then he told me all kinds of encouraging things, like my renderings are fine, ,they'd be able to build from them in the shop, and although they are not the end all and be all, they are a good place for me to be at this point in my journey, and i'm still learning and i just need practice, but i'll get that without trying too hard. isn't that sweet?
it was my mom's birthday today- 50. i sent her some plants, hoping i wouldn't have to talk to her while depressed, but they never got there. she called when i got home. luckily i was pleased that the costume dinner had gone well, and i'd had a bit to drink there, and so i was prepared to talk to her. she ended up giving me an in, and i decided i was feeling good enough and healthy enough to go for it, so i launched into my tale of woe. i go through it all, the crying in the bathroom, the ripping up of the painting, and she says, "well, aren't you glad you got a good night's sleep last night?"

this is the epitome of my mother. can we say PAINFULLY optimistic? i'm SO glad i didn't call her yesterday. but we ended up having a good talk. aparently her boss at widow finney's was just as much a bitch as frances- and what's most facinating to me is- about the same thing: lack of attention to detail. it's always nice to know i'm not the only person in the world who's not a perfectionist. but with her, meanness inspires her- she gets an "i'll show them!" attitude, and goes to nursing school or joins the team or whatever. whereas i'm more like, maybe they're right. i'm probably not good enough. i should probably stop trying so hard. poor me. i'm trying to get up the energy to say "i'll show her!" to frances, and find a fucking figure drawing class.
but god, it's gonna be hard.

no good, very bad, horrible

god i was so excited this morning. i had everything all laid out, all my books and notebooks and papers and modelpieces. i turned in my r+j paper and signed the incomplete form for the other paper- i have until july 1st to do it. i went to set design and everyone was working on their projects, trying to finish. i was so proud i was finished i thought i'd turn in my costume renderings to frances. i went to her office, i got her to clear me for a class i needed, then i got out my renderings.

slash!

burn!

awful, awful critique. i told kendal i was going to hand them to her and say, "i've done the best i could, i can't work on them any more, give me whatever grade i deserve, if it's a c then i'll take it."
but of course i don't have that kind of guts. there is one that's ok. but they're not advanced costume design quality work, they wouldn't fit into my portfolio, this is not acceptable for a bfa canidate.
i asked for specifics. there was alot of your basic "more shading, fix this collar, fix these cuffs, i need to see shirt sleeves, what IS this trim?" there's one rendering i have to completely redo, reswatch, redesign, repaint, everything. fucking barbie bows. she tried to find me research to back up her point, but i trusted her- it doesn't even matter what's correct historically, all that matters is what she wants. she sketched for me, she did more explaining, she wouldn't let me free. and she ended telling me i have to take figure drawing if i want to be a bfa. i said i'd already chosen my electives, and it doesn't fit into my schedule, and she said very definately that i have to, if i want a bfa. i should take a community college course if neccessary. and i must keep a sketchbook this summer, i must draw at least one person a week and show her how i've progressed by this fall. i explained i don't wanna design, i just wanna stich. and she wants to know why i want a bfa. she thinks maybe i should change my program. finally she gave them back to me with instructions to work more on them and turn them in before grades are due next friday. i quickly fled.

i felt a little proud- i responded to her honestly, i didn't just meekly nod, and i didn't start crying until i left. there are little changing rooms with benches in the bathrooms, and i curled up on one of those and sobbed for a little bit. i ripped the rendering i have to do over into pieces. i washed my face and went back to the design rooms, and she's there, critiquing costume design classes renderings. well, i cannot sit back down in my chair at the other end of the design table and watch her critique someone else, so i stand in the back of the classroom with all of my classmates still furiously drafting. i try to chat, but i can't quite pull it off, and christopher's like, "are you ok?' and i say, um, well, no. and i start to tear up again, and he's like, "let's go have a cigarette." so we go out to the front of the buliding, and he pets me. niether of us smoke, but that's what the smokers say and do when they have problems. so i told him how it was with frances, and jessie (who does smoke) and grant came out, too. they distracted me, and chris brushed away my problems from my skirt and shoulders with his eraser brush he had carried out with us. i wiped my eyes and we went back in, to present our projects. i was so unhappy that i had to do it in front of frances, but luckily it was a set with a really cute model, and it was jackie grading me.

work was better, the scene shop barbeque, and bitching to michelle and pam, who were properly sympathetic. pam was aghast when she saw them- she thinks frances is crazy. she says she will help me with my drawing, if i want. i think pam would make a good drawing teacher, so i hope that works out. michelle says she's always asking for these things then doesn't care or follow up, so not to be too obsessed with the figure drawing thing, see if it works out or goes away. pam was shocked when i put together the pieces of the trashed rendering- she said she wouldn't have ripped it up. and tom says over his shoulder from his sewing machine, "yeah, but i totally understand the feeling." that made me feel really good, that he was on my side as a real adult- later he said to me, "you know, in the real world it's not like this. in the real world, if you can justify it, if you can explain it, you can do it." that was encouraging too.

still, i feel like roadkill.

g was supposed to come over for dinner, but she had something else to go to tonight. when i came home i just curled up in bed. she called and said she'd stop by for an hour if i wanted. so she came by. when she came in she laughed at me under my misquito netting and said, "if i wasn't afraid it would hurt your feelings, i'd call you a drama queen." it didn't work. it did hurt my feelings, i don't have nearly enough reason to be this sad. i'm just a lazyass sorry for my self chump masqurading as an artist- i almost started to cry again. but i sent her to the closet for an extra pillow so she could climb into my tent of self pity with me, and she gave me a little scrap of watercolor paper and said, "i painted this for you a bit ago, but i didn't know when to give it to you, and i think now is the right time." on the right is an ogre-y thing, with long hair, donkeyish ears, and a big nose, all curled up in a little ball hugging its knees and saying, it is sad today. on the left is a small girl with a furry accorn hairdo and a blue smock, holding her cupped hands out to the ogre, and in her hands is a little grey bird, and above the bird's head is a little red heart. the back says its to me from her, and "a songbird for a sad day." then i really did cry again.
tomorrow when there is natural light i will photograph it for you. i hope i can finish my roll soon.

i think i've had enough. i'm going to take a bath now.