so we went to bed about 3:30 last night. i woke up at 11.15, it was fabulous, horray for sleeping stoned. i woke up at 11.15 and mom came almost at noon. i invited her in and we opened gifts. eventually rachel woke up, then leah and heather did too! so me and mom and heather and leah went to the cheese steak place- horray for vegan cheesesteaks! leah and heather went errand running, and mom and i tried to go to the free library, but it was closed today, so we just came home, got her tent, and then nora called to say it was snowing in reading, so mom went back home. i feel so free, no longer have to worry about family at all. am so sad that i only have 1 full day left to look forward to. it will be fabulous, our dinner party, going out tonight. it will be even more fabulous whatever we do tomorrow. i live a fabulous life.
not as fabulous as laura, though. it's true. her everyday life is as exciting as my wildest vacation.
31.12.05
30.12.05
more jewish holidays in chestnut hill, etc.
so it was pretty fabulous. it was the vibe of my dad's family. i mean, it's not like they were the same as them it's just... i guess i like this as a discription of family and each one acts differently inside the same form. we played the dreidl game for books instead of chocolate. i left with a whole stack- some i will leave with leah and rachel, but i'm taking jonathan strange and mr norrell with me. rachels parents are big hippies, and a joint was always going around the table- even those not smoking were pretty high on second hand smoke. then we came home and it just got more magical. i patched a shirt of leahs and sewed buttons on things for her (and you know how i ADORE mending for people i love- there is little i'd rather do)and she and heather waxed my hair. i was drinking vodka and cranberry (i have fewer choices because they have 15 different types of whisky, 2 types of beer, 6 fancy wines, and vodka) and conviced heather to work on my shoulder a while. she unraveled knots in my back i thought were there perminately- i didn't know they CAME out. but they do. by then, leah was tuning her guitar, and when heather was done working on me she played her new obsession, then some dar williams for me, then some indigo girls for heather. so so fabulous, to sing emily with heather while leah sings amy and plays guitar... it was some sort of dream. definately a postcard- a singing postcard, though- like some sort of telegram- i don't know. am a bit high while typing this. what did we do today?
oh, that's right! we walked to people's market and bought eggs and veggies and heather made us fabulous omlettes. then we walked to the thrift store and bought outfits for new years. see, see, see, it's fabulous, fabulous. since i'm wearing all of leah's clothes this weekend and being all butch and shit, we decided:
sunday, i'm dressing as heather, in her clothes, and she's dressing as me, in mine.
i'm doing the preppy boy look- we bought me this fabulous shirt, vest, tie, jacket. i'll wear heather's dress pants. heather's more slinky hippie- a black laungere top with pink lace and a little rose, a white jacket that ties on the side, and my purple velvet broomstick skirt.
can you wait? i know i can't.
so anyway, when we come home we showed rachel all our purchases, and she approved. then it was leah's turn to leave for work. heather went to rachel's room to keep her company while she cleaned it, and i finished my nancy garden book from rachel's bookshelves. when i went to join rachel and heather, i found heather in the bed covered in clean laundry while rachel tidied. so i climbed on the bed and started folding. rachel really does have the most fabulous bed. once all the laundry was put away and the room tidied, rachel climbed into bed with us and the three of us cuddled. it was quite charming.
dana and erin came over for dinner, and rachel's little brother ben, too. he's really awesome, as i suppose one would expect to match the rest of the family. but he was certainly my favourite guest of the evening (no offense to any other guests who read this!) we watched supernanny, and i missed ch, and passed a bowl around, which made me miss a. and they still mock me, since i make heather light it for me. SORRY! i can't drive, either. i really am not as independent as i look at first glance!
really, it's the dreadlocks that make me look independent at first glance, as kira said. that and the leaving home at 19 story... it's all very ani difranco. she was the host of a gay kids program we watched on tv last night- she's all old- 35- when did that happen? she looks like she's been on tour forever. ani i mean. not kira. is this comprehensible at all? heather's just flipping through channels now... as soon as i'm done here we're putting in a movie. so i better go do that. and start drinking water, what a headache i had this morning! and there is so much drinking to do the next few days!
oh, that's right! we walked to people's market and bought eggs and veggies and heather made us fabulous omlettes. then we walked to the thrift store and bought outfits for new years. see, see, see, it's fabulous, fabulous. since i'm wearing all of leah's clothes this weekend and being all butch and shit, we decided:
sunday, i'm dressing as heather, in her clothes, and she's dressing as me, in mine.
i'm doing the preppy boy look- we bought me this fabulous shirt, vest, tie, jacket. i'll wear heather's dress pants. heather's more slinky hippie- a black laungere top with pink lace and a little rose, a white jacket that ties on the side, and my purple velvet broomstick skirt.
can you wait? i know i can't.
so anyway, when we come home we showed rachel all our purchases, and she approved. then it was leah's turn to leave for work. heather went to rachel's room to keep her company while she cleaned it, and i finished my nancy garden book from rachel's bookshelves. when i went to join rachel and heather, i found heather in the bed covered in clean laundry while rachel tidied. so i climbed on the bed and started folding. rachel really does have the most fabulous bed. once all the laundry was put away and the room tidied, rachel climbed into bed with us and the three of us cuddled. it was quite charming.
dana and erin came over for dinner, and rachel's little brother ben, too. he's really awesome, as i suppose one would expect to match the rest of the family. but he was certainly my favourite guest of the evening (no offense to any other guests who read this!) we watched supernanny, and i missed ch, and passed a bowl around, which made me miss a. and they still mock me, since i make heather light it for me. SORRY! i can't drive, either. i really am not as independent as i look at first glance!
really, it's the dreadlocks that make me look independent at first glance, as kira said. that and the leaving home at 19 story... it's all very ani difranco. she was the host of a gay kids program we watched on tv last night- she's all old- 35- when did that happen? she looks like she's been on tour forever. ani i mean. not kira. is this comprehensible at all? heather's just flipping through channels now... as soon as i'm done here we're putting in a movie. so i better go do that. and start drinking water, what a headache i had this morning! and there is so much drinking to do the next few days!
more and more fabulous
we're meeting erin and dana for dinner soon, so i'm not sure how much time i have to type. yesterday ended up really fabulous. i met with kira for dinner and that was totally fun. i think if i lived in philly we would be friends... but i guess we are anyway, so there's no need to be wistful about not. i really do need to move here, i wonder when it's going to happen. she waited for the septa with me. wasnt that sweet?
then rachel picked me up at the trainstation and we all partied at her parents house.
ok, we gotta go- the rest later!
then rachel picked me up at the trainstation and we all partied at her parents house.
ok, we gotta go- the rest later!
29.12.05
just a little fyi
so i have a little time by myself before i go off to meet kira for dinner, then take the train to the suburbs for hanukkah. so was reading my philadelphia magazine and learned the mummers have a website. so i thought you really needed a link, because ch didn't know about the mummers, and i learned it's really just a pennsylvania thing.
but really, that's all. i'm a lazy bum. went thrifting with leah this morning. ate a can of ravioli (annie's organic ravioli, thank you very much) and watched all my children with her this afternoon.
please, leave her alone about it. everyone's allowed their embarrassing quirks. i drink cases of coke. and if you make her feel bad, then she might trace it back to me. and then she'll shank me. she really would, you know.
but really, that's all. i'm a lazy bum. went thrifting with leah this morning. ate a can of ravioli (annie's organic ravioli, thank you very much) and watched all my children with her this afternoon.
please, leave her alone about it. everyone's allowed their embarrassing quirks. i drink cases of coke. and if you make her feel bad, then she might trace it back to me. and then she'll shank me. she really would, you know.
more pics!
watched 2 girls in love, uptown girls last night. then went to bed. woke up, and started blogging again. really, i need to do more. but i can show you more pictures!
here is the 30th street train station, making me feel all grace livingston hill... or perhaps more anne bannon as the case may be...
some of the snowflakes we've decorated the kitchen with
the trolley museum at septa, where i caught the trolly home last night:
and finally, puffer, our old old cat. z wanted this pic to come up instead of one of her when she calls...
here is the 30th street train station, making me feel all grace livingston hill... or perhaps more anne bannon as the case may be...
some of the snowflakes we've decorated the kitchen with
the trolley museum at septa, where i caught the trolly home last night:
and finally, puffer, our old old cat. z wanted this pic to come up instead of one of her when she calls...
28.12.05
split personalities
so, my adventures today = pretty unsuccessful. didn't leave the house until 4, got directionally disoriented around the courthouse and walked the whole way around it, adding blocks and blocks to the already long walk. ended up at the visitors center as it was closing at 5. oh well. i did take the trolley and bought fireshooters for the stove (since i can't light lighters and the matches scare me)so i guess it wasn't a total wash. now i'm back at home, making dinner and getting cozy.
i feel a little odd. when i get depressed i want out of my life, to be someone else. and i feel like that's happening here- what i wish for, comming true. perhaps i should feel like an ursuper, abusing someone elses things, but i don't...i guess it's because it all fits so well. it's more like a picture of someone else i could be, if i'd made different choices in my life. i could be some hot chick in jeans and a blue and white striped oxford unlocking the door to a 2nd floor walkup in west philly. the girl who lives with people who keep these things in the refrigerator, who creates in this space. i feel very partisan, not the longing of it, but the actuality of it being achieved. i know it's just a temporary aquisition of personality, but it still feels complete, and lots of fun. if i could add footnotes i would credit that indigo girls song, but i don't, so i won't. no one recognizes it anyway.
leah has her date tonight and rachel is working, i think- i'm not sure when she's coming back. so now that i'm fed, i'll need to decide what i want to do with my quiet evening. should i read some of their facinating books? ( really should take this laptop over to the hallway to give you some titles, it's a fabulous collection.) i think i won't, cause 1. it will be too quiet without music on and too distracting with, 2. i'll never be able to choose and will end up curled in the hallway starting the beginings of 7 or 8 different ones. so i could put on some of their cds and knit, but i think i'm going to watch their movies instead. piled under 15 or 20 blankets. don't you wish you were here? i'll sit on your feet and keep them warm. but we can't talk, or our books, movies, and knitting will never get finished.
i feel a little odd. when i get depressed i want out of my life, to be someone else. and i feel like that's happening here- what i wish for, comming true. perhaps i should feel like an ursuper, abusing someone elses things, but i don't...i guess it's because it all fits so well. it's more like a picture of someone else i could be, if i'd made different choices in my life. i could be some hot chick in jeans and a blue and white striped oxford unlocking the door to a 2nd floor walkup in west philly. the girl who lives with people who keep these things in the refrigerator, who creates in this space. i feel very partisan, not the longing of it, but the actuality of it being achieved. i know it's just a temporary aquisition of personality, but it still feels complete, and lots of fun. if i could add footnotes i would credit that indigo girls song, but i don't, so i won't. no one recognizes it anyway.
leah has her date tonight and rachel is working, i think- i'm not sure when she's coming back. so now that i'm fed, i'll need to decide what i want to do with my quiet evening. should i read some of their facinating books? ( really should take this laptop over to the hallway to give you some titles, it's a fabulous collection.) i think i won't, cause 1. it will be too quiet without music on and too distracting with, 2. i'll never be able to choose and will end up curled in the hallway starting the beginings of 7 or 8 different ones. so i could put on some of their cds and knit, but i think i'm going to watch their movies instead. piled under 15 or 20 blankets. don't you wish you were here? i'll sit on your feet and keep them warm. but we can't talk, or our books, movies, and knitting will never get finished.
ben franklin's pink striped penis
having a wonderful time in philly. really. it's amazing. don't even have the time to tell you everything i want to. had a fabulous time feeling strong corageous and independent taking the train from the airport to 30th st and figuring out how to get the trolley and stuff by myself. then rachel was here, she was worried about me after hearing leah's lack of directions- and she proceeded to be a fabulous hostess and tour guide all day while leah was at work. she drove me all over the place, i had a lovely time seeing where leah works, meeting children rachel loves, shopping at a fantastic co-op, and hanging out in an anarchist community.
this morning leah was so excited to have a day off she raced around cleaning and tidying while rachel and i sat on the couch and cut out beautiful snowflakes. we listened to pearl and i drank tea and it was all perfect.
after they left i spent way too much of my time alone talking to people on the phone. i talked to ch, who gave me the subject line. it's a combo of mocking:
-all the tourist things i'm doing today, if i ever manage to leave the house
-the blue striped shirt of leah's i'm wearing
-the plethora of vaginas in the art adorning this apartment
but we love him otherwise. and he gave me good stories of the people he's been sleeping with over christmas, so i can mock him back. i also talked to a and she said she was wearing my xmas gift and it made her boobs look fabulous. y'all know my obsession with boobs, so i told her to send me a picture and i'd send her philly pics. she said i should post them on the blog instead, so here they all are. hers first:
then, here is the green and purple house across the street. it's a fabulous paint job:
here's the living room, complete with guitar case and all the blankets they gave me cause they love me and want me warm at night:
and finally, here's me being all butch dressed up in leah's clothes:
hopefully that is enough to whet your apetite until i can post the rest of my adventures!
this morning leah was so excited to have a day off she raced around cleaning and tidying while rachel and i sat on the couch and cut out beautiful snowflakes. we listened to pearl and i drank tea and it was all perfect.
after they left i spent way too much of my time alone talking to people on the phone. i talked to ch, who gave me the subject line. it's a combo of mocking:
-all the tourist things i'm doing today, if i ever manage to leave the house
-the blue striped shirt of leah's i'm wearing
-the plethora of vaginas in the art adorning this apartment
but we love him otherwise. and he gave me good stories of the people he's been sleeping with over christmas, so i can mock him back. i also talked to a and she said she was wearing my xmas gift and it made her boobs look fabulous. y'all know my obsession with boobs, so i told her to send me a picture and i'd send her philly pics. she said i should post them on the blog instead, so here they all are. hers first:
then, here is the green and purple house across the street. it's a fabulous paint job:
here's the living room, complete with guitar case and all the blankets they gave me cause they love me and want me warm at night:
and finally, here's me being all butch dressed up in leah's clothes:
hopefully that is enough to whet your apetite until i can post the rest of my adventures!
24.12.05
fambly
z's in the shower, i should be wrapping gifts. but if she's obessive about her aim list, i can be obsessive about blogging, right? i have a feeling this is gonna be a long post, though, so i'll probably save it in chunks and post it all when it's all long and i'm ready. zoe rose is sitting on my lap as i type this. good kitty.
so i'm still analizing my preparations (or lack therof) to come here. i left in such a hurry i didn't bring any jewelry. i barely brought my contact stuff. what happened? i was so enthusiastic about going to anne's for the bricker christmas, seeing the vegan anarchist second cousin, the party-in-a-box, etc. i think my change came from having so many people around me in horrid family situations. you know? i feel like i can't complain about my family when ch is gonna be celebrating with his roommate and all the dogs they're watching for all the friends with real families. but i think that's put me in denial about my well rounded family, that yeah some parts are better than other peoples, and i get along with z again, but there are also hard things, like not having an immediate family of my own, having it filled with strangers. and there's always the lack of independence and the playing of mom and dad off each other- easier with mom out of town, but still an issue nonetheless.
yeah, i guess i just keep coming back to balance. we were stuck in traffic behind a really bad accident on the blue route coming home from the airport last night. dad was playing his christmas mixes and the three of us were singing along. and we'd do parts, not like harmony or anything like that, just goofy stuff like z would sing the lead, dad would sing the choir, and i'd whistle the guitar solo. and there was a certain freedom, a small feeling of home, in being with people who like christmas music, and know the words to these particularly melancholy christmas rock songs. but then we got to his house and the living room was taken up by my stepbrother tim and his girlfriend and another friend of theirs playing monopoly and watching willy wonka. the three of us hung in the kitchen for a little while, and it was ok, but still felt so segregated to me.
and grandma is everywhere. i know this is healthy, but i notice it so. my dad's mom was a small, quick moving woman who loved to cook enormous quantities of food in her tiny for as many people as she could stuff in her house. she changed the drapes twice a year and decorated for every holiday. she and pop-pop lived across the street from the hospital and grandma was always inviting in invalid relatives and their visitors. she nursed her brother and her husband back to health one year after they both had bipass surgery the same week. then the week before christmas 2 years ago, after raking the leaves in the yard that very morning, she went to a meeting for church and had a stroke she never woke up from.
it's so hard to imagine, because grandma was always so active- everyone just talks about how she was RAKING LEAVES that very morning. and especially compared to pop-pop, who's had 2 bypass surgeries and can't really walk, and has been living his last few days for the past 25 years or so. it's like i can't really picture grandma gone, since i'm so rarely home, and don't see her that often anyway. but the intensity in which pop-pop misses her is hard to avoid.
and then you all know i missed her funeral for an acting class. everyone wanted me there- here- in pa- as soon as possible. all i wanted was to stay in chicago and morn, but i knew that was unacceptable. i was expected to be there for the family, so i went. but i should have waited until service dates were set, i could have skipped that class instead. my professor was so mean about rehersals for the final, but really, your grandma's funeral would be a good excuse not to be there. i have so few regrets in life, especially now that i have the red skirt. but missing grandma's funeral is definately one of them. z and i stopped talking for a year or so after that, and another incident at our stepsister's wedding. i didn't deserve the wedding thing, but i did, about grandma.
so now i'm in pa for christmas again- haven't been since then. and she's everywhere. we baked cookies together without her, in my dad's kitchen. i think this was the first time my dad's eaten a christmas cookie without her. we found her cookie press, cause i wanted to make the peanut butter dogs. she even has the recipie book still with it, and the norwegian cookie recipie has the note at the bottom in her handwriting, "these are lousy."
you've noticed the shift in time here, right? i wrote the first part of this entry at the beginning of the weekend, and now it's tuesday morning,i've left the family, and i'm analizing how it went. but there wasn't really a good transition to make it into 2 separate entries. so. i guess the family rundown. the party-in-a-box was subduded. sarah has a boyfriend, and she missed both cookie baking and the movie for family activities with him. i definately spent time being jelous. z and i were a united front, for the most part. she makes me feel like it is only her inherent kindness that she puts up with me, but that's ok. as long as she does, i don't mind her distain so much. she only let it realy show when we were scatagories partners. i don't think my off the wall suggestions were THAT weird. (and of course, aunt ellen still keeps the old scatagories papers in grandma's handwriting at the bottom of her box.)
dad, well, i guess it went ok. i was going to type pretty positive and kind about him, then he had to go and ruin it last night when we were at the party-in-a-box's, being homophobic and racist over dinner. thank god: though the homophobia jokes got laughs, no one thought the concentration camp jokes were funny. when he kept going, louise next to me asked, "what is he talking about?" and i said, "he's trying to dig himeself out of a hole, and it's not working." i don't care if he heard me, i was feeling exceptionally cruel after the imitation of the gay figure skater. i don't understand how my family can be so sypmathetic about some things and not about others. one of our cousins has a bone disease, she's always been in a wheelchair and her lower body has never grown. she's got a new boyfriend, and pop-pop was talking about how good he is with her, and louise said that his family is really angry and hates that he's with her. and i'm like, what, her nails are too long? and she rolled her eyes at me and said, "some people are just like that."
weird, as always, to be out to z and no one else. at the big extended family gathering christmas night, 40-50 people smashed into my godparent's very average size home, the vegan anarchist 2nd cousin once removed asked what was new in my life and i told her my usual, i met this girl... and it was just too uncomfortable to go very far with it, with my dad sitting just across the couch from me, sure his attention was focused completely on the game, but still. makes me nervous. especially there. he doesn't like dealing with his whole family at once, i don't think... this christmas extended family gathering is the same one where he abandoned z and i the christmas of the divorce. mom had to come back and rescue us- i think that was the moment z started hating christmas.
the stepfamily relations ended up differently than i expected. i always forget how CRAZY my stepsister vicki drives me. she just talks all the time. it's nonstop, it's obsessive, it's this constant current that exhausts me. i DO care about her adorable baby and the poor trama he's going through. but i just can't keep up. i actually had much more fun with my stepbrother tim. i think i am usally surprised by this, because really, i'm creeped out by straight boys. but he can be clever and kind, and he has a nice girlfriend who z says is good for him (which i believe, though i'm not close enough to make my own judgement). in general, we all played games, watched movies, ate, did the typical family stuff. and z helped me pinpoint something that has always made me feel uncomfortable at pams house, but i never realized why: my stepmother is a perpetual tidyer. you can't leave a drink alone for a second, or it's dumped and the glass in the dishwasher. all of your stuff is quickly piled and deposited in your room. your bed is made for you the first time you leave your room and she or dad get a chance to go in. it totally creeps me out.
so i guess i should end with a quick overview of the gifts: dad gave me a portable dvd player as well as the reciver, so that should be fun to play with on the plane. completely unexpected, i don't know how often i'll use it, but whatever, it's small.
z got me a red kitchen aid toaster. me and my highfalutin' kitchen appliances. i love em.
but the winner is mom, who got me a camera phone! photos in every blog entry coming soon! aren't you excited? i know i am!!
so i'm still analizing my preparations (or lack therof) to come here. i left in such a hurry i didn't bring any jewelry. i barely brought my contact stuff. what happened? i was so enthusiastic about going to anne's for the bricker christmas, seeing the vegan anarchist second cousin, the party-in-a-box, etc. i think my change came from having so many people around me in horrid family situations. you know? i feel like i can't complain about my family when ch is gonna be celebrating with his roommate and all the dogs they're watching for all the friends with real families. but i think that's put me in denial about my well rounded family, that yeah some parts are better than other peoples, and i get along with z again, but there are also hard things, like not having an immediate family of my own, having it filled with strangers. and there's always the lack of independence and the playing of mom and dad off each other- easier with mom out of town, but still an issue nonetheless.
yeah, i guess i just keep coming back to balance. we were stuck in traffic behind a really bad accident on the blue route coming home from the airport last night. dad was playing his christmas mixes and the three of us were singing along. and we'd do parts, not like harmony or anything like that, just goofy stuff like z would sing the lead, dad would sing the choir, and i'd whistle the guitar solo. and there was a certain freedom, a small feeling of home, in being with people who like christmas music, and know the words to these particularly melancholy christmas rock songs. but then we got to his house and the living room was taken up by my stepbrother tim and his girlfriend and another friend of theirs playing monopoly and watching willy wonka. the three of us hung in the kitchen for a little while, and it was ok, but still felt so segregated to me.
and grandma is everywhere. i know this is healthy, but i notice it so. my dad's mom was a small, quick moving woman who loved to cook enormous quantities of food in her tiny for as many people as she could stuff in her house. she changed the drapes twice a year and decorated for every holiday. she and pop-pop lived across the street from the hospital and grandma was always inviting in invalid relatives and their visitors. she nursed her brother and her husband back to health one year after they both had bipass surgery the same week. then the week before christmas 2 years ago, after raking the leaves in the yard that very morning, she went to a meeting for church and had a stroke she never woke up from.
it's so hard to imagine, because grandma was always so active- everyone just talks about how she was RAKING LEAVES that very morning. and especially compared to pop-pop, who's had 2 bypass surgeries and can't really walk, and has been living his last few days for the past 25 years or so. it's like i can't really picture grandma gone, since i'm so rarely home, and don't see her that often anyway. but the intensity in which pop-pop misses her is hard to avoid.
and then you all know i missed her funeral for an acting class. everyone wanted me there- here- in pa- as soon as possible. all i wanted was to stay in chicago and morn, but i knew that was unacceptable. i was expected to be there for the family, so i went. but i should have waited until service dates were set, i could have skipped that class instead. my professor was so mean about rehersals for the final, but really, your grandma's funeral would be a good excuse not to be there. i have so few regrets in life, especially now that i have the red skirt. but missing grandma's funeral is definately one of them. z and i stopped talking for a year or so after that, and another incident at our stepsister's wedding. i didn't deserve the wedding thing, but i did, about grandma.
so now i'm in pa for christmas again- haven't been since then. and she's everywhere. we baked cookies together without her, in my dad's kitchen. i think this was the first time my dad's eaten a christmas cookie without her. we found her cookie press, cause i wanted to make the peanut butter dogs. she even has the recipie book still with it, and the norwegian cookie recipie has the note at the bottom in her handwriting, "these are lousy."
you've noticed the shift in time here, right? i wrote the first part of this entry at the beginning of the weekend, and now it's tuesday morning,i've left the family, and i'm analizing how it went. but there wasn't really a good transition to make it into 2 separate entries. so. i guess the family rundown. the party-in-a-box was subduded. sarah has a boyfriend, and she missed both cookie baking and the movie for family activities with him. i definately spent time being jelous. z and i were a united front, for the most part. she makes me feel like it is only her inherent kindness that she puts up with me, but that's ok. as long as she does, i don't mind her distain so much. she only let it realy show when we were scatagories partners. i don't think my off the wall suggestions were THAT weird. (and of course, aunt ellen still keeps the old scatagories papers in grandma's handwriting at the bottom of her box.)
dad, well, i guess it went ok. i was going to type pretty positive and kind about him, then he had to go and ruin it last night when we were at the party-in-a-box's, being homophobic and racist over dinner. thank god: though the homophobia jokes got laughs, no one thought the concentration camp jokes were funny. when he kept going, louise next to me asked, "what is he talking about?" and i said, "he's trying to dig himeself out of a hole, and it's not working." i don't care if he heard me, i was feeling exceptionally cruel after the imitation of the gay figure skater. i don't understand how my family can be so sypmathetic about some things and not about others. one of our cousins has a bone disease, she's always been in a wheelchair and her lower body has never grown. she's got a new boyfriend, and pop-pop was talking about how good he is with her, and louise said that his family is really angry and hates that he's with her. and i'm like, what, her nails are too long? and she rolled her eyes at me and said, "some people are just like that."
weird, as always, to be out to z and no one else. at the big extended family gathering christmas night, 40-50 people smashed into my godparent's very average size home, the vegan anarchist 2nd cousin once removed asked what was new in my life and i told her my usual, i met this girl... and it was just too uncomfortable to go very far with it, with my dad sitting just across the couch from me, sure his attention was focused completely on the game, but still. makes me nervous. especially there. he doesn't like dealing with his whole family at once, i don't think... this christmas extended family gathering is the same one where he abandoned z and i the christmas of the divorce. mom had to come back and rescue us- i think that was the moment z started hating christmas.
the stepfamily relations ended up differently than i expected. i always forget how CRAZY my stepsister vicki drives me. she just talks all the time. it's nonstop, it's obsessive, it's this constant current that exhausts me. i DO care about her adorable baby and the poor trama he's going through. but i just can't keep up. i actually had much more fun with my stepbrother tim. i think i am usally surprised by this, because really, i'm creeped out by straight boys. but he can be clever and kind, and he has a nice girlfriend who z says is good for him (which i believe, though i'm not close enough to make my own judgement). in general, we all played games, watched movies, ate, did the typical family stuff. and z helped me pinpoint something that has always made me feel uncomfortable at pams house, but i never realized why: my stepmother is a perpetual tidyer. you can't leave a drink alone for a second, or it's dumped and the glass in the dishwasher. all of your stuff is quickly piled and deposited in your room. your bed is made for you the first time you leave your room and she or dad get a chance to go in. it totally creeps me out.
so i guess i should end with a quick overview of the gifts: dad gave me a portable dvd player as well as the reciver, so that should be fun to play with on the plane. completely unexpected, i don't know how often i'll use it, but whatever, it's small.
z got me a red kitchen aid toaster. me and my highfalutin' kitchen appliances. i love em.
but the winner is mom, who got me a camera phone! photos in every blog entry coming soon! aren't you excited? i know i am!!
23.12.05
from the top of the mountain
ugh! it's taken 10 minutes for this page to load! i don't know what's wrong with mom's dial up. anyway, so after my last post both leah and jamie were iming me, i felt so popular, but i had to get to the airport. i lugged my sack of bricks down the steps (damn that beer! so heavy!) and drug it through the sludge (damn that thaw!) to the train. took the redline to belmont, transfered to the brown line, got to CHICAGO before i realized... i had my confirmation number for my reservation, sure, but without my voucher, they were gonna make me PAY for it!! so i immediately got off the train, although chicago is not handicapped accessable. a nice gentleman helped me carry it down, but i hauled it up all 42 stairs of the other side by myself. ufta!! called ch, told him i wouldn't be stopping by the sears tower. took the train back to belmont, back to the redline, back to granville. i begged the cta lady to watch my suitcase, but she wouldn't. but she did say i could leave it with the snackshop guy. and he watched it!! so i raced back to my apartment, got the voucher, back to the trainstation, reclaimed my suitcase, back on the redline. had ch deposit my paycheck for me so my rent doesn't bounce.
thank GODDESS i alotted 2hrs at the airport! i ended up wasting 1.5 hrs in my back and forth. so i still got to the airport 1hr before my flight, but didn't get to say goodbye to ch or exchange gifts with carlos or stop at christkindlmarket or do anything downtown.
but i got here safely and on time. z and dad picked me up at the airport, and we went home and z and i beat dad and pam in a game of hand and foot by just 20 points.
and now z needs help stuffing the duvet in the duvet cover, so i'm signing off. will type again soon. otherwise, merry christmas!
thank GODDESS i alotted 2hrs at the airport! i ended up wasting 1.5 hrs in my back and forth. so i still got to the airport 1hr before my flight, but didn't get to say goodbye to ch or exchange gifts with carlos or stop at christkindlmarket or do anything downtown.
but i got here safely and on time. z and dad picked me up at the airport, and we went home and z and i beat dad and pam in a game of hand and foot by just 20 points.
and now z needs help stuffing the duvet in the duvet cover, so i'm signing off. will type again soon. otherwise, merry christmas!
outta here
1hr before i have to leave the house = start packing
5 min before i'm leaving the house = still updating pearl (with the cds i got at thanksgiving!)
i feel like my subconcious is telling me something....
5 min before i'm leaving the house = still updating pearl (with the cds i got at thanksgiving!)
i feel like my subconcious is telling me something....
22.12.05
lonely
am feeling sad and lonely. am listening to gifts by the firebird band over and over again very loudly. crying just a little, and very very softly. haven't gotten anything done today. jen came over with salad, that was nice, but she helped me waste more time. wasted time online, wrote some xmas cards, then decided i HAD to go the the christkindlmarket. got there at 8.15. it closed at 8. such a waste of time. all that time on the train. my $2 now that my upass is expired. when i still haven't paid my bills, still have all those dishes in my sink.
i don't wanna go to pa. there is no safety there for me. only the deep void of the unknown.
i don't wanna go to pa. there is no safety there for me. only the deep void of the unknown.
thanks mrs fellman
after work last night went to the chicago civic opera house to sing the do-it-yourself messiah. i forgot to get tickets this year, but i didn't have any problem scoring one before the doors opened. it's really fabulous. i love to sing- i should really head back to hyde park and sing from the sacred harp again. i thought once i wasn't a christian i wouldn't like religiousish music at all anymore- but it seems to be the opposite.
it's all so big and grand- in pa, when mom sings, they just do the christmas section and the hits (you know, all we like sheep, halellujah, that sort of thing) in a small church. at the opera house there are 3000 people on 2 different nights singing the chorus parts. the whole thing (well, almost- they always skip a few in the 2nd part where it starts to drag) in like three hours. i actually think the first section drags a bit. the chorus pieces are pretty good, but it's the third part where all the good solos are. at the end of the first part i'm ready for a break, and i wonder how the second half is going to go since apart from hallelujah i don't really know the chorus parts very well. but i'm always surprised, when we get to the 2nd to last piece, my favourite duet with alto and tenor, to find the next chorus is thanks be to god, all those crazy amens at the end.
i've sung the messiah there every year since i first came to chicago in 1999, except for 2000 when i was in germany. i guess it's understandable that i'm a little better after the 6th year. i guess it's that my coverage is a bit more even now- i used to know the 3 pieces we'd done in high school choir really well, but not know the rest of it at all. we sung the halellujah chorus both my freshman and my senior year of highschool. my freshman year i was so terrified of the choir tests- we had to go into the conductor's little office and sing to her, just her and her tape recorder, and she gave us each our choir grade! and that first semester is was sightsinging a bit of solfegio and the the bit of the hallelujah chorus where it first goes polyphonic. this is just the choir test- not auditions for show choir or something! i was into jeff, the gay tenor, at the time, and he helped me study. and now it will be ingraned in me forever- no matter how many mistakes i make, i will always get that part right. but like i said before, i am getting better every year. in the amens at the end, i was only lost for about 3 bars- pretty f-ing amazing, if you ask me. but i just take a deep breath at the begining and remember mrs feldman's advice- sing something, and when it gets hairy, COUNT LIKE MAD!
i always think of the soloists having these different personalities. like the tenor- he's the straight guy, all cocky and knowing everything, just telling you how it is- every valley shall be exhaulted and and every mountain and hill made low. the countertenor is the outgoing gay one, making it all accessable for us masses of the chorus- this saviour comes onto YOU. which is a good thing, cause all of us chorus members are afraid of the bass. he's totally scary, bringing all the bad news in these growling 16th note runs- who shall stand when he appeareth? and usally i think of the soprano as the oposite of him. every year is the same soprano, a large cuddly woman who is this angel just overwhelmed with the good news she gets to bestow on us. she's full of it's okays and god loves yous, and makes it all very christmassy. but she couldn't come this year, so they got someone who's singing an opera there now, and i sure hope she's a villan in the opera, cause she'd make a great one. she's blond and bony and angular, and her features twist as she sings. and there was none of that sweetness- it was more, he's comming, and then what will you do- you'll be sorry you ever asked for it, you think what the bass fortold was bad! or perhaps, i know MY redeemer lives, what the fuck are YOU ALL gonna do, you peons? she really relished singing about the worms destroying this body. it was fabulous, this snarky twist on the christiany messiah. definately what i needed this holiday season.
it's all so big and grand- in pa, when mom sings, they just do the christmas section and the hits (you know, all we like sheep, halellujah, that sort of thing) in a small church. at the opera house there are 3000 people on 2 different nights singing the chorus parts. the whole thing (well, almost- they always skip a few in the 2nd part where it starts to drag) in like three hours. i actually think the first section drags a bit. the chorus pieces are pretty good, but it's the third part where all the good solos are. at the end of the first part i'm ready for a break, and i wonder how the second half is going to go since apart from hallelujah i don't really know the chorus parts very well. but i'm always surprised, when we get to the 2nd to last piece, my favourite duet with alto and tenor, to find the next chorus is thanks be to god, all those crazy amens at the end.
i've sung the messiah there every year since i first came to chicago in 1999, except for 2000 when i was in germany. i guess it's understandable that i'm a little better after the 6th year. i guess it's that my coverage is a bit more even now- i used to know the 3 pieces we'd done in high school choir really well, but not know the rest of it at all. we sung the halellujah chorus both my freshman and my senior year of highschool. my freshman year i was so terrified of the choir tests- we had to go into the conductor's little office and sing to her, just her and her tape recorder, and she gave us each our choir grade! and that first semester is was sightsinging a bit of solfegio and the the bit of the hallelujah chorus where it first goes polyphonic. this is just the choir test- not auditions for show choir or something! i was into jeff, the gay tenor, at the time, and he helped me study. and now it will be ingraned in me forever- no matter how many mistakes i make, i will always get that part right. but like i said before, i am getting better every year. in the amens at the end, i was only lost for about 3 bars- pretty f-ing amazing, if you ask me. but i just take a deep breath at the begining and remember mrs feldman's advice- sing something, and when it gets hairy, COUNT LIKE MAD!
i always think of the soloists having these different personalities. like the tenor- he's the straight guy, all cocky and knowing everything, just telling you how it is- every valley shall be exhaulted and and every mountain and hill made low. the countertenor is the outgoing gay one, making it all accessable for us masses of the chorus- this saviour comes onto YOU. which is a good thing, cause all of us chorus members are afraid of the bass. he's totally scary, bringing all the bad news in these growling 16th note runs- who shall stand when he appeareth? and usally i think of the soprano as the oposite of him. every year is the same soprano, a large cuddly woman who is this angel just overwhelmed with the good news she gets to bestow on us. she's full of it's okays and god loves yous, and makes it all very christmassy. but she couldn't come this year, so they got someone who's singing an opera there now, and i sure hope she's a villan in the opera, cause she'd make a great one. she's blond and bony and angular, and her features twist as she sings. and there was none of that sweetness- it was more, he's comming, and then what will you do- you'll be sorry you ever asked for it, you think what the bass fortold was bad! or perhaps, i know MY redeemer lives, what the fuck are YOU ALL gonna do, you peons? she really relished singing about the worms destroying this body. it was fabulous, this snarky twist on the christiany messiah. definately what i needed this holiday season.
20.12.05
more packages to wrap
sorry kiddos, wanna write about melencholy and my dead grandma, but unfortunately i still have packages to get in the mail! mailed women's group today- mairee in MD, tammy in MO, and anne in CA. still have 2 more left!
took a nap yesterday when i got home from work. now my sleeping's all fucked up. gotta get back on some kind of scedule.
and hopefully am going to sing the messiah tomorrow night! i forgot to take my score with me tonight, so hopefully i can score tickets tomorrow. i've gone every year i've been in chicago, but i wasn't able to get tickets this year. so i do hope i'll be able to go, cause i'll be so sad otherwise- ch said he pictured me huddled up against the wall next to the river, freezing my ass off, listening to the whisper coming up from an air vent, with my score open trying to sing along.
will let you know tomorrow how it turns out!
took a nap yesterday when i got home from work. now my sleeping's all fucked up. gotta get back on some kind of scedule.
and hopefully am going to sing the messiah tomorrow night! i forgot to take my score with me tonight, so hopefully i can score tickets tomorrow. i've gone every year i've been in chicago, but i wasn't able to get tickets this year. so i do hope i'll be able to go, cause i'll be so sad otherwise- ch said he pictured me huddled up against the wall next to the river, freezing my ass off, listening to the whisper coming up from an air vent, with my score open trying to sing along.
will let you know tomorrow how it turns out!
19.12.05
post office
well, i got my international packages ready to mail. and for a and l. in fact, i think if you read this blog and i'm sending you a package, consider it done. i was 16th in line at the post office. the line was out the door and past the smokers lounge, almost to the skydeck office. everyone in line in front of me was horrified they'd run out of holiday stamps. buy 'em early, suckas! ch and i heard on the radio this is the busiest day of the year at the post office. wednesday will be the buisiest delivery day. it made me feel like everyone else who doesn't have their own personal post office, the people who have to wait in line everytime, the people who don't know all the cashiers by name. the people when they get to the window, don't hear "hi caitlin! well?" because those people are not expected to say "i have nothing fragile, liquid, hazardous or perishable; and i don't need delivery confirmation or stamps today!"
marchetta was my cashier. i was a bit embarrased cause she was my cashier on friday when i mailed our package to the accountant. she asked me how i was, and i said ok and then started to cry. she asked what the matter was and i said i'd been really hurt by the person i send all the packages to in detroit. she said, "honey, don't worry about it, he's not worth it, there are other fish in the sea." and it was really sweet, but i was too verkelmpt to correct her pronouns. you understand, i don't go shouting my problems to all the world (well, actually i do, but only on my blog); it's just i have an unnaturally close realtionship to my postwomen.
so anyway, i got marchetta again today, she looks at her little clock and says, "eh, 10 minutes. i saw you get in line, and i wondered how long it would take to get to me." and as she's tearing off all my customs forms (because you know i ALWAYS arrive at the post office with customs forms already filled out) she says, "you look like you're doing much better today." and i explain how i've decided not to give up since everything's all over emotional due to the holidays. in fact, i was sending a package to detroit today. the line was long, and it was already filled out, so i didn't ask her my most pressing question about that, which is: can you write asshole on the address label of a package sent through the usps? i mean, will like the FCC come after you or something? i know you can't send explosives or write political statements on the outside of packages to germany, but what about this?
but anyway, she gave me delivery confirmation for l's, and then asked if i'd like a rum truffle. she leaned over the divider into betsy's little stall and got a package of them, and gave one to me, wishing me happy holidays. isn't that the sweetest thing ever? so meike, ruth, michi, jamie, a, l- you are all worth waiting in line for.
marchetta was my cashier. i was a bit embarrased cause she was my cashier on friday when i mailed our package to the accountant. she asked me how i was, and i said ok and then started to cry. she asked what the matter was and i said i'd been really hurt by the person i send all the packages to in detroit. she said, "honey, don't worry about it, he's not worth it, there are other fish in the sea." and it was really sweet, but i was too verkelmpt to correct her pronouns. you understand, i don't go shouting my problems to all the world (well, actually i do, but only on my blog); it's just i have an unnaturally close realtionship to my postwomen.
so anyway, i got marchetta again today, she looks at her little clock and says, "eh, 10 minutes. i saw you get in line, and i wondered how long it would take to get to me." and as she's tearing off all my customs forms (because you know i ALWAYS arrive at the post office with customs forms already filled out) she says, "you look like you're doing much better today." and i explain how i've decided not to give up since everything's all over emotional due to the holidays. in fact, i was sending a package to detroit today. the line was long, and it was already filled out, so i didn't ask her my most pressing question about that, which is: can you write asshole on the address label of a package sent through the usps? i mean, will like the FCC come after you or something? i know you can't send explosives or write political statements on the outside of packages to germany, but what about this?
but anyway, she gave me delivery confirmation for l's, and then asked if i'd like a rum truffle. she leaned over the divider into betsy's little stall and got a package of them, and gave one to me, wishing me happy holidays. isn't that the sweetest thing ever? so meike, ruth, michi, jamie, a, l- you are all worth waiting in line for.
18.12.05
still lazy
no, i've actually acomplished quite a bit, just not enough- never enough. but i have no schoolwork, so really, my LIFE is weekend. i just go into work occassionally, cause i'd miss ch otherwise. i read all of traveling mercies this morning. but i also got the newspaper and read a good bit of it, and got my international packages ready for mailing. started writing christmas cards, walked to osco for tape, a very necessary element in wrapping gifts. and i unpacked my shopping from last night and consulted my list, and found a few holes, so headed off to women and children first bookstore. god it was cold. i didn't wear a petticoat under my jeanskirt and boy were my legs cold. fifteen degrees. that's negative 10 celcius. plus, i got off at bryn mawr instead of berwyn. one of the problems with bryn mawr (along with being deficient in the vowel department) is it's where ridge starts- so there's this five-way interection. the traffic light for ridge has 2 arrows, one pointing diagonally left, the other diagonally right. where is this grid system?
anyway, i've been really good about buying quickly just what's on my list. not so much at women & children first. took forever, browsed, and bought myself two books. oh well. now i'm making minestrone. the christmas lights are warm and the computer is playing charming holiday mp3s. anyone wanna come over and celebrate? it's warm and cozy here!
anyway, i've been really good about buying quickly just what's on my list. not so much at women & children first. took forever, browsed, and bought myself two books. oh well. now i'm making minestrone. the christmas lights are warm and the computer is playing charming holiday mp3s. anyone wanna come over and celebrate? it's warm and cozy here!
17.12.05
pain
"...I bring you pain, Pain makes you beautiful, I'm no good for you. You're no good for yourself, Strange and it's wonderful, How you tell me what you need, the joy and the treasure, Of pain's guilty pleasure, Love's pressure painfully..." the judybats, Pain (makes you beautiful)
was in a bad state yesterday. was so tired to begin with. ch would be trying to distract me, and i'd say something like "that cracks my shit up" then i would just zone out, and the tears would come. it was the longest day. we were making and delivering right till 5. and not only was there no rest, there was this incoming order that i totally fucked up and accepted, and then ch had to fix it, and try and create it. i felt so guilty. as if i wasn't asking enough already from him as a boss. he gave me time in the middle of the busy afternoon to walk to union station and refund my ticket, and call l and hash it out. and he gave me monday back- after he was so accomadating, letting me take it off, he canceled joe so i could have my hours back since i was gonna be here. ch wanted to take me to boni vino after work, but when we got there, there were all these holiday parties going on, and no room for us. so we made other plans. i wheeled my little suitcase to the subway, and ch carried it down the subway steps for me- what a gentleman.
he got off at his stop and i had to haul the thing through the ice back home, though. so sad. and drag it up the steps, which i'd so recently drug it down. all those fucking books. i'll be mailing them to l asap, you can be sure. i can't really bear to have them in my house anymore. i hauled in my suitcase, took off my coat and sat down to take off my boots. it was so awful to have my evening be so different than i expected it to- i just sat on the floor in my vestibule with my back agains the front door and sobbed and sobbed. eventually i focused, got up, made a box of mac and cheese, checked the email, then put my newest netflix (harper valley PTA, recomended by ch) and my big botle of vodka (it has a handle!) in my backpack and headed of to ch's. he had xmas cookies for me, and cranberry juice and sprite to mix with. he made us some strong drinks, and we watched the movie and some tv, and it was good.
i went right to bed at midnight when i got home, but then l called at 1 and woke me up. i couldn't fall back asleep after that so i texted a. she called about 2.30 and we talked for 45 min. eventually fell asleep after that, but then a telemarketer woke me up at 9am. GRRRRR! i wish i wasn't such an insomniac... or didn't need so much sleep. my life revolves so much around sleep.
anyway, i laid in bed all morning reading astra by grace livingston hill, which was a bit of spite against l, it being so christiany and christian and prudish and all. downloaded some xmas music from womenfolk- thanks jamie!- and showered. really, i don't know where all the time went. i keep zoning out- something will remind me of l or of how sad i am or how my plans changed, and i'll just stop and start churning over the same thoughts again. (i've done it numerous times already just writing this entry, but that's normal for blogging, but it's not normal for the rest of my life!) it's really terribly frustrating. all i do is think about l and our relationship and talk to her in my head, but when she actually calls i get all blocked up and can't be anything but cold and curt. we'll see how long it lasts and if she's able to stick it out.
ch doesn't ever give advice, but what he says is always wise. when i asked for advise, he said, "well, l is a people pleaser, and i don't think that's going to change." and that's pretty much the crux of my decisions, the conclusions i have drawn from all this thinking and thinking and thinking i've been doing. i can only change myself- i can't make her learn to say no to me, to not keep putting me off till i'm screwed over, to tell me things and stories that are hard to say. i need to learn to hear when she's being dubious, and to know that's when she wants to say no and can't, and then not do that thing. i need to learn to control my emotions- just because i feel this way doesn't mean i have to share it, and to not be so dependent on someone outside of me.
i'm feeling very "superhero" about our relationship. it was so fun before i wasn't really paying attention, but it's true- my feelings for her have made me weak. ( you know, ani d-"sleepwalking through the all night drugstore, baptised in florecent light, i found religion in the greeting card aisle, cause now i know halmark was right...i used to be a superhero, no one could touch me, no not even myself, and you were like a phone booth i somehow stumbled into, now look at me, i'm just like everybody else.") i really related to being like everyone else at the flowershop. how many times has ch gotten an upsetting phone call, and needed to take a walk, then comes back and puts on his big smile for the customers, and i try and tease him to get his mind off what happened.... it was the exact same thing, only we were in opposite roles. not something i expected to happen. but i think being in his shoes will make me a better care-er next time he gets one of those calls.
i finally did get out of the house. i took my christmas list over to my cta route and planned my route. what is the best way to go to cost plus, CB2, voges, mertz apothecary, lush, waxmans, and perhaps stop at su van's for dinner, and/or get my ear pierced? that was actually the order i went in- red line to north/clyborn, then to chicago, then to washington. then brown line to armitage, then paulina, then back to red line's belmont to go home. i only made 2 mistakes. to go to voges i should have gotten off at grand- i had to walk down michigan ave, dodging tourists left and right. then, when i went to armitage, there's a voges right under the train tracks there! so i wouldn't have had to make that stop at all! i knew there was one on armitage, but i didn't realize it was right there. and i don't think waxmans is closest to paulina, but i wanted to check how late su vans was open- only till 6, so no chili for me! how sad- i really wanted it, i may have to go back tomorrow. it always feels like such a long walk down lincoln, but things were looking really unfamilar- and i realized i had gotten onto ashland at the six corners of lincoln, ashland and belmont. fucking diagonal streets- always getting me confused. but i did just make it to waxman's in time.
i knew i needed something to eat, and at southport and lincoln and whatever the e/w street is there is the golden apple diner. they had readers there, and cute little half booths for cozy couples (or a single person and a newspaper) i had SUCH a charming time, i felt so chicagoian, sitting in this triangle shaped diner with christmas lights and bing crosby singing christmas carols, eating my grilled cheese, drinking hot chocolate and reading the newspaper- it was full of all sorts of things i care about- air pollution from power plants on the south side, the tribune's lack of political cartoonist (and firing of them in other papers), the permit problems that led to the knocking down of the old church at fullerton, and a review of the lion the witch and the wardrobe.
from there i walked to chicago tattoo and piercing company. got two more holes punched in my ear- just hoops in them for now, but in a few months when they're healed, i can get a spiral put in- that's the jewelry i've been wanting. it really hurt- it seems each piercing hurts more. or at least, i find ear hurts much more than nose, and this time was worse than the last time, because once he put in the first hoop it wasn't over, i knew i'd have to do it AGAIN for the second. i'm obviously NOT tattoo material, as much as i'd like to be. i highly recommend them to anyone in chicago, or even anyone passing through. everyone is so nice and kind and polite and informative. and everything is so clean and sterile and explained. i wish i could have all my medical needs taken care of there. it would be perfect- chicago tatoo, piercing and wisdom teeth removal. i had a new piercer- rudy was on instead of alex. i really liked rudy- he was very nice and much more chatty than alex, who was very professional and perhaps hurt me less.
anyway, home now, blogging, listening to beautiful christmas music on solo piano- liz story's the gift and george winston's december. am feeling really good, emotionally. it's like all my emotional pain has been turned into physical pain by my piercing, and i don't have to worry anymore. my hurt is now something i can literally feel, and that's easier for me to deal with- i just take an advil or two and try not to think about it too hard. it seems to be kind of like the psycological explaination for cutting- just slightly safer and much more expensive. maybe it will change in the morning, but rignt now i feel i'm going to make it through this, maybe even still with l on the other side. a had good advice, too. that the holidays wack everything out and not to hold anyone to what they are feeling through them. to make it through new years and then worry about rebuilding. and that of course, is natalie macmaster: "get me through december. i promise i'll remember. just get me through december so i can start again."
was in a bad state yesterday. was so tired to begin with. ch would be trying to distract me, and i'd say something like "that cracks my shit up" then i would just zone out, and the tears would come. it was the longest day. we were making and delivering right till 5. and not only was there no rest, there was this incoming order that i totally fucked up and accepted, and then ch had to fix it, and try and create it. i felt so guilty. as if i wasn't asking enough already from him as a boss. he gave me time in the middle of the busy afternoon to walk to union station and refund my ticket, and call l and hash it out. and he gave me monday back- after he was so accomadating, letting me take it off, he canceled joe so i could have my hours back since i was gonna be here. ch wanted to take me to boni vino after work, but when we got there, there were all these holiday parties going on, and no room for us. so we made other plans. i wheeled my little suitcase to the subway, and ch carried it down the subway steps for me- what a gentleman.
he got off at his stop and i had to haul the thing through the ice back home, though. so sad. and drag it up the steps, which i'd so recently drug it down. all those fucking books. i'll be mailing them to l asap, you can be sure. i can't really bear to have them in my house anymore. i hauled in my suitcase, took off my coat and sat down to take off my boots. it was so awful to have my evening be so different than i expected it to- i just sat on the floor in my vestibule with my back agains the front door and sobbed and sobbed. eventually i focused, got up, made a box of mac and cheese, checked the email, then put my newest netflix (harper valley PTA, recomended by ch) and my big botle of vodka (it has a handle!) in my backpack and headed of to ch's. he had xmas cookies for me, and cranberry juice and sprite to mix with. he made us some strong drinks, and we watched the movie and some tv, and it was good.
i went right to bed at midnight when i got home, but then l called at 1 and woke me up. i couldn't fall back asleep after that so i texted a. she called about 2.30 and we talked for 45 min. eventually fell asleep after that, but then a telemarketer woke me up at 9am. GRRRRR! i wish i wasn't such an insomniac... or didn't need so much sleep. my life revolves so much around sleep.
anyway, i laid in bed all morning reading astra by grace livingston hill, which was a bit of spite against l, it being so christiany and christian and prudish and all. downloaded some xmas music from womenfolk- thanks jamie!- and showered. really, i don't know where all the time went. i keep zoning out- something will remind me of l or of how sad i am or how my plans changed, and i'll just stop and start churning over the same thoughts again. (i've done it numerous times already just writing this entry, but that's normal for blogging, but it's not normal for the rest of my life!) it's really terribly frustrating. all i do is think about l and our relationship and talk to her in my head, but when she actually calls i get all blocked up and can't be anything but cold and curt. we'll see how long it lasts and if she's able to stick it out.
ch doesn't ever give advice, but what he says is always wise. when i asked for advise, he said, "well, l is a people pleaser, and i don't think that's going to change." and that's pretty much the crux of my decisions, the conclusions i have drawn from all this thinking and thinking and thinking i've been doing. i can only change myself- i can't make her learn to say no to me, to not keep putting me off till i'm screwed over, to tell me things and stories that are hard to say. i need to learn to hear when she's being dubious, and to know that's when she wants to say no and can't, and then not do that thing. i need to learn to control my emotions- just because i feel this way doesn't mean i have to share it, and to not be so dependent on someone outside of me.
i'm feeling very "superhero" about our relationship. it was so fun before i wasn't really paying attention, but it's true- my feelings for her have made me weak. ( you know, ani d-"sleepwalking through the all night drugstore, baptised in florecent light, i found religion in the greeting card aisle, cause now i know halmark was right...i used to be a superhero, no one could touch me, no not even myself, and you were like a phone booth i somehow stumbled into, now look at me, i'm just like everybody else.") i really related to being like everyone else at the flowershop. how many times has ch gotten an upsetting phone call, and needed to take a walk, then comes back and puts on his big smile for the customers, and i try and tease him to get his mind off what happened.... it was the exact same thing, only we were in opposite roles. not something i expected to happen. but i think being in his shoes will make me a better care-er next time he gets one of those calls.
i finally did get out of the house. i took my christmas list over to my cta route and planned my route. what is the best way to go to cost plus, CB2, voges, mertz apothecary, lush, waxmans, and perhaps stop at su van's for dinner, and/or get my ear pierced? that was actually the order i went in- red line to north/clyborn, then to chicago, then to washington. then brown line to armitage, then paulina, then back to red line's belmont to go home. i only made 2 mistakes. to go to voges i should have gotten off at grand- i had to walk down michigan ave, dodging tourists left and right. then, when i went to armitage, there's a voges right under the train tracks there! so i wouldn't have had to make that stop at all! i knew there was one on armitage, but i didn't realize it was right there. and i don't think waxmans is closest to paulina, but i wanted to check how late su vans was open- only till 6, so no chili for me! how sad- i really wanted it, i may have to go back tomorrow. it always feels like such a long walk down lincoln, but things were looking really unfamilar- and i realized i had gotten onto ashland at the six corners of lincoln, ashland and belmont. fucking diagonal streets- always getting me confused. but i did just make it to waxman's in time.
i knew i needed something to eat, and at southport and lincoln and whatever the e/w street is there is the golden apple diner. they had readers there, and cute little half booths for cozy couples (or a single person and a newspaper) i had SUCH a charming time, i felt so chicagoian, sitting in this triangle shaped diner with christmas lights and bing crosby singing christmas carols, eating my grilled cheese, drinking hot chocolate and reading the newspaper- it was full of all sorts of things i care about- air pollution from power plants on the south side, the tribune's lack of political cartoonist (and firing of them in other papers), the permit problems that led to the knocking down of the old church at fullerton, and a review of the lion the witch and the wardrobe.
from there i walked to chicago tattoo and piercing company. got two more holes punched in my ear- just hoops in them for now, but in a few months when they're healed, i can get a spiral put in- that's the jewelry i've been wanting. it really hurt- it seems each piercing hurts more. or at least, i find ear hurts much more than nose, and this time was worse than the last time, because once he put in the first hoop it wasn't over, i knew i'd have to do it AGAIN for the second. i'm obviously NOT tattoo material, as much as i'd like to be. i highly recommend them to anyone in chicago, or even anyone passing through. everyone is so nice and kind and polite and informative. and everything is so clean and sterile and explained. i wish i could have all my medical needs taken care of there. it would be perfect- chicago tatoo, piercing and wisdom teeth removal. i had a new piercer- rudy was on instead of alex. i really liked rudy- he was very nice and much more chatty than alex, who was very professional and perhaps hurt me less.
anyway, home now, blogging, listening to beautiful christmas music on solo piano- liz story's the gift and george winston's december. am feeling really good, emotionally. it's like all my emotional pain has been turned into physical pain by my piercing, and i don't have to worry anymore. my hurt is now something i can literally feel, and that's easier for me to deal with- i just take an advil or two and try not to think about it too hard. it seems to be kind of like the psycological explaination for cutting- just slightly safer and much more expensive. maybe it will change in the morning, but rignt now i feel i'm going to make it through this, maybe even still with l on the other side. a had good advice, too. that the holidays wack everything out and not to hold anyone to what they are feeling through them. to make it through new years and then worry about rebuilding. and that of course, is natalie macmaster: "get me through december. i promise i'll remember. just get me through december so i can start again."
16.12.05
raw
five hours before my train was to leave, l called and told me i couldn't come. the reasons are sound, but they had been there before. so will be in chicago this weekend. upset, lonely, unbearably sad.
15.12.05
horray!
i gotta get packed. classes ended today. work tomorrow...then to union station, amrak to detroit! my life is practically perfect.
14.12.05
stare
am sitting here, just staring at this window, not knowing what to write. i'm so tired. stayed after work in the costume shop yesterday, sewed the buttonholes for patternmaking. moved to the design studio and stayed till 8 doing my lighting plot. but- horray!- my plot is done! and my channel hookup! and my magic sheets! the only thing left is color keys, and i'm done with that. and once the buttons are sewn on for patternmaking, all i'll have left to do is turn it all in!
i need an escape. i don't know where i'll be this weekend, but it better not be chicago. i need to retreat somewhere, write christmas cards, be still, prepare to face the family.
and perhaps do some shopping! i have a lot left, but i know what i want, it's just a matter of going there and buying it. and i'll have next tuesday off- horray horray! hell, after tomorrow my whole life is off... well, until i have to go to pa, then back to school. bought my christmas cards today- tj maxx is where we got the shop ones, and though they are picked over, there are still so many cute ones. i ended up buying 3 boxes because i liked them all so much and couldn't decide. then to the beauty supply where i got more growspray (and purple lipstick) then home, to joann fabrics, where i bought all sorts of essentials, and a gift or two!
was worrying over money with mom, cause christmas of course is the time when i charge without thought of $$, but also when i take time off without thought of $$. but she reminded me i'll be getting extra time in jan when ch is on vacation as well as feb, of course. so it'll all be ok. i'm sure.
i need an escape. i don't know where i'll be this weekend, but it better not be chicago. i need to retreat somewhere, write christmas cards, be still, prepare to face the family.
and perhaps do some shopping! i have a lot left, but i know what i want, it's just a matter of going there and buying it. and i'll have next tuesday off- horray horray! hell, after tomorrow my whole life is off... well, until i have to go to pa, then back to school. bought my christmas cards today- tj maxx is where we got the shop ones, and though they are picked over, there are still so many cute ones. i ended up buying 3 boxes because i liked them all so much and couldn't decide. then to the beauty supply where i got more growspray (and purple lipstick) then home, to joann fabrics, where i bought all sorts of essentials, and a gift or two!
was worrying over money with mom, cause christmas of course is the time when i charge without thought of $$, but also when i take time off without thought of $$. but she reminded me i'll be getting extra time in jan when ch is on vacation as well as feb, of course. so it'll all be ok. i'm sure.
12.12.05
rent/snow/scarf
so, it's pretty sad. you look back on the past 2 weeks of blogging, and there are no stories. all it is is whining. usally about really boring stuff, like schoolwork. no wonder my comments are so few and far between. (thanks jamie!) the problem is i keep blogging in my head, all these fabulous blogs, or at least interesting thoughts, and i never get around to typing them up. but i have some SERIOUS procrastination to do tonight, so i thought now would be a good time to revisit those blog entries that were never written. of course, in a more conscise, less inspired manner. isn't that how it always works?
1. rent
rememeber last week when i watched rent and was a little ashamed at how much i loved it? i want to say it's because it reflects my life. i certainly believe in bohemian values, and am wild, urban, and liberal enough to pass. I had such a fabulous time when ruth was living in nürnberg with tobi and katya, and they were the epitome of bohemians in their 4th floor walk up under the slopey ceilings with no cabinets in their kitchen, enormous stacks of newspapers for furnature and complex instructions for making the stove and the shower work. but alas, though i will always have fabulous bohemian friends, i will never really be one myself. i like being rich. i love the stability of a lease- it brings me comfort. i will sell out to the Man (i work in the sears tower, for god's sake!) if it means i can buy organic produce and don't have to dumpster dive. i love my brightly colored furnature. my home brings me alot of joy, and my closet- please! then there's the electronics dad sends me every xmas... really, i'm a yuppie. i'm trying to be ok with that. luckily, most if not all of my friends are bohemians, so that makes me feel rich in comparison, even though on the grand scheme of young white americans, i'm really not that up there. but i have an apartment full of new things- lovely things, bought at hip and happening places. consumerwise, what more could i want?
2. snow
we have lots of it- and more everyday. the big storm last thursday dropped about 9 inches on us, then we got 2 more on friday and another on saturday and a little more last night. and i love it. i love being out in it- it's an exiting mystery world, the everyday is transformed into something quiet, beautiful, magical. there's this sense of community- everyone's so friendly, the bonding of all being chicagoians, out in this crazy weather together. on my way to my night class, the snow was falling so hard the tracks completely covered between trains. i love the icicles hanging down from the front of the cars as the train appears through the mist, lighting and sparking up the darkness. i love being in the warm train car, clickety clacking through the beautiful falling snow on the lovely urban world.
of course, i also love lying in my warm bed, thanks to my lovely radiator heat, and watching it out my balcony windows. i can see the sky and the brick wall of my neighbors, and i could watch the snow blow by and collect in their windowsills all day. i guess cause i don't have to drive in it or shovel it, i'm free to love it. and i love everything about it, when it's happening. even the grey stuff in the streets- before it's salted it's so soft and slippery- a lovely gentle color before the black of weeks later. it reminds me of jane's fur. and of course i love it on the trees and in piles. it doesn't seem fair that its usally too cold to have sticking snow in chicago- no chances for snowballs or snowpeople. and of course, no hills. the same storm hit pa and mom went sledding with the dog on friday. perhaps there will still be snow there for christmas- that would be nice, living at the top of a mountain and all. of course, mom also broke her wrist while walking to the mailbox, so i guess there are hazards (a warning to you not to wear your stylish boots!)
3. scarf.
l knit me a scarf. it is red with multicolored bits. it is warm and fuzzy and the softest thing ever. i was certain it was lost in the mail, and did a major uturn from dejected to elated when i found it stuffed in my mailbox. noone but my mother has ever knit me anything. really, the love, it's incredible. i'm overwhelmed.
1. rent
rememeber last week when i watched rent and was a little ashamed at how much i loved it? i want to say it's because it reflects my life. i certainly believe in bohemian values, and am wild, urban, and liberal enough to pass. I had such a fabulous time when ruth was living in nürnberg with tobi and katya, and they were the epitome of bohemians in their 4th floor walk up under the slopey ceilings with no cabinets in their kitchen, enormous stacks of newspapers for furnature and complex instructions for making the stove and the shower work. but alas, though i will always have fabulous bohemian friends, i will never really be one myself. i like being rich. i love the stability of a lease- it brings me comfort. i will sell out to the Man (i work in the sears tower, for god's sake!) if it means i can buy organic produce and don't have to dumpster dive. i love my brightly colored furnature. my home brings me alot of joy, and my closet- please! then there's the electronics dad sends me every xmas... really, i'm a yuppie. i'm trying to be ok with that. luckily, most if not all of my friends are bohemians, so that makes me feel rich in comparison, even though on the grand scheme of young white americans, i'm really not that up there. but i have an apartment full of new things- lovely things, bought at hip and happening places. consumerwise, what more could i want?
2. snow
we have lots of it- and more everyday. the big storm last thursday dropped about 9 inches on us, then we got 2 more on friday and another on saturday and a little more last night. and i love it. i love being out in it- it's an exiting mystery world, the everyday is transformed into something quiet, beautiful, magical. there's this sense of community- everyone's so friendly, the bonding of all being chicagoians, out in this crazy weather together. on my way to my night class, the snow was falling so hard the tracks completely covered between trains. i love the icicles hanging down from the front of the cars as the train appears through the mist, lighting and sparking up the darkness. i love being in the warm train car, clickety clacking through the beautiful falling snow on the lovely urban world.
of course, i also love lying in my warm bed, thanks to my lovely radiator heat, and watching it out my balcony windows. i can see the sky and the brick wall of my neighbors, and i could watch the snow blow by and collect in their windowsills all day. i guess cause i don't have to drive in it or shovel it, i'm free to love it. and i love everything about it, when it's happening. even the grey stuff in the streets- before it's salted it's so soft and slippery- a lovely gentle color before the black of weeks later. it reminds me of jane's fur. and of course i love it on the trees and in piles. it doesn't seem fair that its usally too cold to have sticking snow in chicago- no chances for snowballs or snowpeople. and of course, no hills. the same storm hit pa and mom went sledding with the dog on friday. perhaps there will still be snow there for christmas- that would be nice, living at the top of a mountain and all. of course, mom also broke her wrist while walking to the mailbox, so i guess there are hazards (a warning to you not to wear your stylish boots!)
3. scarf.
l knit me a scarf. it is red with multicolored bits. it is warm and fuzzy and the softest thing ever. i was certain it was lost in the mail, and did a major uturn from dejected to elated when i found it stuffed in my mailbox. noone but my mother has ever knit me anything. really, the love, it's incredible. i'm overwhelmed.
11.12.05
stupid internet searches.
agnes! ch mocks my love of funnies. l mocks my carryover religiousness. i am not ashamed of any of it.
year in review
thanks beth!
"Year in Review"
Go to your Calendar and find the first entry for each month of 2005. Post the first line of it in your journal, and that's your "Year In Review".
januar:
When i woke up, no one was home, but during breakfast sven and alexia came in to put presents under the tree- then birgit came home from shopping, then meike woke up from the noise. after everything settled down, i checked my emails and sent the next big chunk of these.
februar:
this morning i went to christie's again for tea. this time i got to see baby lilly.
märz:
1. don't have time to post tonight. (but am going to give you ideas of what i would have posted, if i could have.)
april:
so, was planning on going through my typical emotional reaction to friday night. actually, i needed to work on my journal entries for creative nonfiction- i'm so far behind. but i thought i'd go up to belmont and get my ear pierced- the cartlidge, there's a cool spiral they have with 3 holes.
mai:
a. called me at 11 this morning and woke me up- i was in a dream in the subway in germany, and mom and aunt janet and others were with me, and even though i knew my way around i was following them, and we were going up and down stairs and walking through connecting corridors and i was getting really tired and wondering if i should stop them and just check the map..
juni:
god i was so excited this morning. i had everything all laid out, all my books and notebooks and papers and modelpieces.
juli:
it's been almost a week. have you missed me? i'll check the comments next, and find out.
august:
i'm feeling stressed on time- less than 24 hrs. left in chicago. i still have to unpack, repack, and sleep. my goodness!
september:
long, boring day at work today. so slow. grrr. and i was so impatient.
oktober:
Gibbabe9: Ummm, pants rock
Gibbabe9: Pants are the reason I get up every morning
Gibbabe9: Well, that's a lie. But still, they are critical
november:
darling, just be yourself tonight...i am SICK TO DEATH of all this painting. i miss you all! i want to tell you what's going on in my life...not really. i just wanna be in detroit. (not a very oft mentioned phrase for most people, i am sure!)
dezember:
michelle went crazy in lighting today! she's all into it! she's been inspired for our project! fuck! now i have to get my shit together, because i don't want to be the least prepared in the class.
hmmm. i actually cheated just a little bit, because i didn't realize i spend the begining of EVERY SINGLE blog entry whining about how much work i have. i knew i always hated school, but i guess i'm my mother's daughter and forget about it often.
"Year in Review"
Go to your Calendar and find the first entry for each month of 2005. Post the first line of it in your journal, and that's your "Year In Review".
januar:
When i woke up, no one was home, but during breakfast sven and alexia came in to put presents under the tree- then birgit came home from shopping, then meike woke up from the noise. after everything settled down, i checked my emails and sent the next big chunk of these.
februar:
this morning i went to christie's again for tea. this time i got to see baby lilly.
märz:
1. don't have time to post tonight. (but am going to give you ideas of what i would have posted, if i could have.)
april:
so, was planning on going through my typical emotional reaction to friday night. actually, i needed to work on my journal entries for creative nonfiction- i'm so far behind. but i thought i'd go up to belmont and get my ear pierced- the cartlidge, there's a cool spiral they have with 3 holes.
mai:
a. called me at 11 this morning and woke me up- i was in a dream in the subway in germany, and mom and aunt janet and others were with me, and even though i knew my way around i was following them, and we were going up and down stairs and walking through connecting corridors and i was getting really tired and wondering if i should stop them and just check the map..
juni:
god i was so excited this morning. i had everything all laid out, all my books and notebooks and papers and modelpieces.
juli:
it's been almost a week. have you missed me? i'll check the comments next, and find out.
august:
i'm feeling stressed on time- less than 24 hrs. left in chicago. i still have to unpack, repack, and sleep. my goodness!
september:
long, boring day at work today. so slow. grrr. and i was so impatient.
oktober:
Gibbabe9: Ummm, pants rock
Gibbabe9: Pants are the reason I get up every morning
Gibbabe9: Well, that's a lie. But still, they are critical
november:
darling, just be yourself tonight...i am SICK TO DEATH of all this painting. i miss you all! i want to tell you what's going on in my life...not really. i just wanna be in detroit. (not a very oft mentioned phrase for most people, i am sure!)
dezember:
michelle went crazy in lighting today! she's all into it! she's been inspired for our project! fuck! now i have to get my shit together, because i don't want to be the least prepared in the class.
hmmm. i actually cheated just a little bit, because i didn't realize i spend the begining of EVERY SINGLE blog entry whining about how much work i have. i knew i always hated school, but i guess i'm my mother's daughter and forget about it often.
frustrated
need to do my magic sheets, color keys, and final plot for lighting design.
need my rough to do the first 2, but it's at school locked up till monday. need to buy a template, the store isn't open sunday. stuck there.
need to sew the buttonholes on my patternmaking project.
my buttonholer is broken. i broke my last sewing machine needle figuring this out.
need to do my entire portfolio- need to get frances to look at the before- it's all at school- what i really need to do is take an incomplete and work on it over break.
the last paper for fiction writing? the studying for gender and culture? that's just regular old procrastination.
getting NOTHING done.
what a waste of my life.
need my rough to do the first 2, but it's at school locked up till monday. need to buy a template, the store isn't open sunday. stuck there.
need to sew the buttonholes on my patternmaking project.
my buttonholer is broken. i broke my last sewing machine needle figuring this out.
need to do my entire portfolio- need to get frances to look at the before- it's all at school- what i really need to do is take an incomplete and work on it over break.
the last paper for fiction writing? the studying for gender and culture? that's just regular old procrastination.
getting NOTHING done.
what a waste of my life.
10.12.05
the wrath of grandma
remember when my friends were making fun of my mom for wondering what would upset gma more- to marry or not to marry marty?
and remember when ch was mocking z for not just lying to gma when she spilled the beer and the dogs were lapping it up and getting drunk?
and there are probably readers who laugh at me not even being able to say "bar" to my grandma, let alone preface it with "we were dancing at the dyke..."
so i feel so justified by anne's comment! she explained to me:
JamieAnne80: I remember that she was like... "Well you can write down the name of the church here." and I was like "You know, since we moved I haven't been to a particular church yet..."
JamieAnne80: All the while trying not to make it sound that we never go to church at home. Which would have been the truth.
Rainheads: hahha- she has that effect on people!
so it's not just her family! don't talk religion with my grandma- cause you will loose!!
and remember when ch was mocking z for not just lying to gma when she spilled the beer and the dogs were lapping it up and getting drunk?
and there are probably readers who laugh at me not even being able to say "bar" to my grandma, let alone preface it with "we were dancing at the dyke..."
so i feel so justified by anne's comment! she explained to me:
JamieAnne80: I remember that she was like... "Well you can write down the name of the church here." and I was like "You know, since we moved I haven't been to a particular church yet..."
JamieAnne80: All the while trying not to make it sound that we never go to church at home. Which would have been the truth.
Rainheads: hahha- she has that effect on people!
so it's not just her family! don't talk religion with my grandma- cause you will loose!!
what i've been doing
worrying about l
sewing the supervillian
thinking about l
decorating for xmas
empathizing for l
procrastinating lighting design
and so on and so forth.
talked to my grandma last night, since she sent me a passive agressive xmas card with her phone number in case i'd forgotten it. i actually MADE UP a presbyterian church i visited. ("actually grandma, i couldn't really catch the vibe, cause there was a missionary speaking that week and so i didn't get to hear the pastor's sermon.") really upset her when i told her i was gonna check out the unitarian universalists. assured her that even though everyone i know smokes, i won't be starting. used the participle phrase "going out" as a noun WAY too often, as i can't say the word "bar" in front of my grandma...
also called dad to thank him for my xmas gift. he told me i could probably fix my turntable myself. he told me just how to do it, he's really good at that. i got out the screwdrivers to go at it, but he was like, um, didn't you say you were about to make dinner? so i put them away and will open it up AFTER i finish lighting design. UGH. magic sheets, color key, cue list- when will it end?
stayed up too late last night and didn't get anything done this morning- surprise! had to tidy a bit for ch- he just popped by to go to see the lion the witch and the wardrobe with me. since he reread them last year while staying with me, we've bonded.
i must interupt this post to tell you i've spent the last 45 min reading last year's november archives to find a reference to ch reading c s lewis and i can't. this is crazy. i gotta sign offline, work. i have an hour and a half before i have to leave to get to jen's xmas party on time.
sewing the supervillian
thinking about l
decorating for xmas
empathizing for l
procrastinating lighting design
and so on and so forth.
talked to my grandma last night, since she sent me a passive agressive xmas card with her phone number in case i'd forgotten it. i actually MADE UP a presbyterian church i visited. ("actually grandma, i couldn't really catch the vibe, cause there was a missionary speaking that week and so i didn't get to hear the pastor's sermon.") really upset her when i told her i was gonna check out the unitarian universalists. assured her that even though everyone i know smokes, i won't be starting. used the participle phrase "going out" as a noun WAY too often, as i can't say the word "bar" in front of my grandma...
also called dad to thank him for my xmas gift. he told me i could probably fix my turntable myself. he told me just how to do it, he's really good at that. i got out the screwdrivers to go at it, but he was like, um, didn't you say you were about to make dinner? so i put them away and will open it up AFTER i finish lighting design. UGH. magic sheets, color key, cue list- when will it end?
stayed up too late last night and didn't get anything done this morning- surprise! had to tidy a bit for ch- he just popped by to go to see the lion the witch and the wardrobe with me. since he reread them last year while staying with me, we've bonded.
i must interupt this post to tell you i've spent the last 45 min reading last year's november archives to find a reference to ch reading c s lewis and i can't. this is crazy. i gotta sign offline, work. i have an hour and a half before i have to leave to get to jen's xmas party on time.
it's not fair
so if i'm down, she cheers me up, but if she's down, she pulls me down. this is just like with ch. only worse. fuck it.
7.12.05
set yourself of fire
busy day at work today. took lots of orders, always running around- we made about 3x the average everyday. we're doing centerpices for a holiday party for a law firm on friday. they're in these tall vases with xmas ornaments tied on ribbon hanging down around the edges. 22 centerpieces x 3 ribbons each x3-4 ornaments each = alot of tying for me today. and ch was spray paitning all this eucalyptus silver. it's terrible, we have no ventalation in our flower shop. we burn candles when we spray, but there aren't alot of other options other than spray before we leave at night. and usally flowers need more than one coat.
so ch is out making a delivery, and i spray another set of eucalyptus in the rose box we have as our little spray booth. our vase shipment comes and i'm checking them in. the candle is burning on the counter in front of the vases, between some alocatia. i don't wanna set the shelves on fire, or the alocatia, or the box of vases. so i pick up the block of foam with the candles in it, and wave it around, trying to find some place to set it where it's near the eucalyptus but won't set my skirt on fire. this is so stupid i hate to admit it, but i haven't gotten much sleep lately, and so i've been making poor decisions, like wondering if i can just set the foam in the box somehow... as soon as the candles get near the box, the fumes from the spraypaint ignite in a huge ball of flame.
i drop the candles onto the eucalyptus and back away, patting out the back of my hands, my face, my hair. i'm very upset by the fire being between me and the fire extinguisher. but by the time i'm sure i'm all out, the fire in the box is out, too. luckily just the fumes caught, not the eucalyptus or the foam or the cardboard box. i had visions of the sprinklers coming on, the sears tower being evacuated, all because of my stupidity...
but i smell AWFUL, all burnt hair. i burn off the hairs on the back of my hands and the fuzzys on the one side of my hairline. my eyebrows are a little curly in the middle, as are my mustache hairs. i think i'm missing some dread tips, too, but i haven't taken my hair down yet and inspected it. luckily, it was out so fast i think i only have burns on my left hand... i don't think it's going to blister, just be a little red and sore for a few days.
still, a little scary! why me? i have such bad luck with fire- i hate it so! in other news, i have too much work due tomorrow to be blogging. but a week from tomorrow classes will be over. dad's xmas gift came today- it was supposed to be shipped to my house, but ups won't leave it unless there's a breathing person there. so i had it shipped to work. it's a 20lb stereo reciver- what a bitch to lug home! but i plugged in my turntable and it sonds good... well, except that apparently the left speaker cord for my turntable is broken. and it's so big it barely balances on top. and it still doesn't have a dust cover. ugh. there's no such thing as a perfect system. i just have to remember to turn the speakers WAY down whenever i switch from turntable to ipod!
so ch is out making a delivery, and i spray another set of eucalyptus in the rose box we have as our little spray booth. our vase shipment comes and i'm checking them in. the candle is burning on the counter in front of the vases, between some alocatia. i don't wanna set the shelves on fire, or the alocatia, or the box of vases. so i pick up the block of foam with the candles in it, and wave it around, trying to find some place to set it where it's near the eucalyptus but won't set my skirt on fire. this is so stupid i hate to admit it, but i haven't gotten much sleep lately, and so i've been making poor decisions, like wondering if i can just set the foam in the box somehow... as soon as the candles get near the box, the fumes from the spraypaint ignite in a huge ball of flame.
i drop the candles onto the eucalyptus and back away, patting out the back of my hands, my face, my hair. i'm very upset by the fire being between me and the fire extinguisher. but by the time i'm sure i'm all out, the fire in the box is out, too. luckily just the fumes caught, not the eucalyptus or the foam or the cardboard box. i had visions of the sprinklers coming on, the sears tower being evacuated, all because of my stupidity...
but i smell AWFUL, all burnt hair. i burn off the hairs on the back of my hands and the fuzzys on the one side of my hairline. my eyebrows are a little curly in the middle, as are my mustache hairs. i think i'm missing some dread tips, too, but i haven't taken my hair down yet and inspected it. luckily, it was out so fast i think i only have burns on my left hand... i don't think it's going to blister, just be a little red and sore for a few days.
still, a little scary! why me? i have such bad luck with fire- i hate it so! in other news, i have too much work due tomorrow to be blogging. but a week from tomorrow classes will be over. dad's xmas gift came today- it was supposed to be shipped to my house, but ups won't leave it unless there's a breathing person there. so i had it shipped to work. it's a 20lb stereo reciver- what a bitch to lug home! but i plugged in my turntable and it sonds good... well, except that apparently the left speaker cord for my turntable is broken. and it's so big it barely balances on top. and it still doesn't have a dust cover. ugh. there's no such thing as a perfect system. i just have to remember to turn the speakers WAY down whenever i switch from turntable to ipod!
6.12.05
newsy
so it's tuesday and i've finally finished reading last wednesday's newspaper. isn't it sad? i'm so glad i only get it twice a week now. there's no way i could read it more often than that. although i can zip through them pretty fast if i'm on a roll. wasn't on a roll tonight though- slogged through the front section of sunday's paper. it was all so interesting to me. there was an article about indian women getting their tubes untied so they can have more kids after losing their first families in the tsunami. then there was an article about how domestic travel among blacks is becoming more popular in south africa- it's this whole marketing campaign, because it's not a culture that's used to travel, due to the difficulties during apartheid. and an article about how the ratio of men to women in new orleans right now is something like 6:1.
i think this is news- or at least, this is news i am interested in. i don't care about sensationalism or war. i'm less interested in local novelties, like grandma stealing baby jesus from the nativity. local news does get my attention- the italian guy running the club on the west side, for instance. it's people in their everyday lives i care about. i guess it makes me a prime canidate as a blog reader. i don't care very much about the grand things- the political contriversy or purient gore. it's people, and their individual every day lives, and how they differ from mine, but they're making it through, that i'm interested in reading about.
this was going to be all long and involved, a highly inteligent rant. but unfortunately, i'm also xmas shopping at the same time. i wish i could tell you the fun web pages i'm going to! but i'm afraid you'll either click the link and know what i'm getting you, or you'll click the link and steal my idea for those hard-to-buy-for folk. but by golly it's hard to keep it in!
i think this is news- or at least, this is news i am interested in. i don't care about sensationalism or war. i'm less interested in local novelties, like grandma stealing baby jesus from the nativity. local news does get my attention- the italian guy running the club on the west side, for instance. it's people in their everyday lives i care about. i guess it makes me a prime canidate as a blog reader. i don't care very much about the grand things- the political contriversy or purient gore. it's people, and their individual every day lives, and how they differ from mine, but they're making it through, that i'm interested in reading about.
this was going to be all long and involved, a highly inteligent rant. but unfortunately, i'm also xmas shopping at the same time. i wish i could tell you the fun web pages i'm going to! but i'm afraid you'll either click the link and know what i'm getting you, or you'll click the link and steal my idea for those hard-to-buy-for folk. but by golly it's hard to keep it in!
5.12.05
note to a
it is much, much too cold here to go raw. sometimes people need hot food more than they need their feet on the radiator. 28 is high for the week. that's F.
4.12.05
this weekend
this weekend i've seen a play, two movies, went to a party, gotten over 1/2 of my xmas shoping done, bought a new pair of pants, bought a plane ticket for xmas and new years, talked to mom, dad, l, a, anne and jen, cooked and eaten numerous meals, washed all the dishes, cleaned my apartment, got out my xmas decorations, went to the grocery store, did three loads of laundry, bought fabric for my patternmaking final, did my cue sheets for lighting, cut out half my pattern and read half my gender and culture readings.
it sounds like i did alot, doesn't it? but there is still so much left on my list! i have so much homework left to do! and i will never see l again. it's really a pity.
it sounds like i did alot, doesn't it? but there is still so much left on my list! i have so much homework left to do! and i will never see l again. it's really a pity.
ring out
did anyone miss me? why am i so compelled to post daily? so friday- work, tired, no food, blah blah blah. very very busy at the flowershop- i still didn't get all the xmas cards addressed and sent out. we have 60 to send this year- i think that sounds like good buisness! ch brought in joe to help with the 250 balloon order, still it was crazy. there's just not enough space. i ended up never getting a chance to go buy lunch- luckily i had a few tablespoons of stirfried rice in the fridge.
so grant, who i painted sets for, has another real live show going up at a studio theater in the atheneum. and thurs and fri were previews. free theater friday night- i can't turn that down. problem was, doing all this xmas card writing and balloon blowing uping, i was wearing g's sexy bell bottom jeans. i'm still not used to wearing pants, especially pants that tight. i couldn't sit at a show that long. i would have had just enough time to go home, change and get back to the theater- but ch invited me out for margaritas. and whatever- i needed to eat. so a quesidilla and 2 margaritas later, i walked over to state street, cruised h&m, found 6 things i loved, tried them on, decided the grey velour stretch yoga pants were the cheapest most comfortable option for sitting in a theater, bought them, changed into them, hopped on the train and made it to the atheneum by 8. what can i say? i'm a rock star.
so i didn't have high hopes for the play, but it was FABULOUS. if you ever get the chance to see crumble: lay me down justin timberlake, go. i wish i could have taken ch- it was his fave type of dark, dark, snarky humor. and a hopeful ending- you know how i require those. i was feeling WIRED, i had no problems sitting still, but felt i could do anything. i picked up a reader on my way home to see what was playing at village north. when i got home i put on my xmas music for the first time- it was snowing and i felt like it was time to get into the holiday season. i spent an hour cleaning my house, then i walked to village north for the midnight showing of rent. i really enjoyed it- what can i say- you know i 'm a sucker for the rock opera. i hate listening to musicals at work, so i always forget how, as a genre, i usally enjoy them, especially on film. is this embarrassing? plus, in one of the brief phone calls i had with l (serious- we haven't talked for more than 5 minutes since wednesday, i think) she said i was her hero for going to a midnight showing of a movie by myself, so that made me feel all urban and cool. and the snow- always the past few days, the snow. i love it so much, feel quite passionate about it. it's so beautiful, so wintery, so holidaylicious. it makes me feel happy and alive.
i woke up late, bought my ticket for xmas, called the appropriate people and let them know my dates, showered and ate. then i went to vogue to buy the fabric for my patternmaking final. i'm standing at howard in my black coat, peering down track 3 waiting for the purple line. i'm listening to jethro tull's ring out on pearl, and the snowflakes are a lovely white contrast on my coat. it's really beautiful, and i'm feeling full, just emotional- feeling like christmas and beauty and nostalgia for last year this time when i was packing my suitcases for germany. main street in evanston is so quaint, after i was done at vogue i walked through the snow to the other side of the street and did xmas shopping at ten thousand villages and toys et cetera. i guess the snow bums people out, people with cars, sidewalks, but it makes me feel alive, joyful and urban, content with the choices i've made, beautiful.
came home, made something to eat, decided i didn't have enough time to do laundry or go grocery shopping before ch's party. so i went online shopping instead- i'm working well through my list- unfortunately don't have any of my schoolwork done. got a letter from anne in sf- the last letter i sent to her i came out to her, so i was really interested in this one. it made me cry- but i was feeling emotional anyway. it was both harsh and kind, basically saying i'd rather have you be a christian lesbian than a straigh athiest. funny- i just realized it's a little like g, when i tried to get her drunk to come out to her, and she said she was cool, no big surprise, i should have gotten her drunk to tell her i wasn't an xian anymore.
so stopped by osco to pick up some smirnoffs (fuck you, ANGEL) and doritos for ch's party, and headed over to his house- bad train karma, was almost 30 min. late. it was fabulous- we ate chili, drank vodka cranberry things, watched john water's pecker. afterwards, johhny b's like- i have this song i have to hear, so he puts it on. then ch goes, that reminds me of this one, and we play these dance songs one after another. and i'm siding around the wood floors in my handknit knee socks, and ch is pulling out all of his pointed toe moves, and we're having a fabulous time, rocking out. carlos eventually has to go, so we stop dancing and start switching off slower songs. ch takes the cat's chair while johnny b and his boy canoodle on the coutch. i lurk on the windowsill- their apartment is radiator heat wtih no thermostat, and it's an oven, especially while dancing, and i'm down to my velour pants and z's indian print tank top. i'm feeling all sexy looking perched in the bay window with the scented candles, drinking and munching, watching the snow fall on the cemetary- it was very chicago to me, i felt hip and urban and in community.
but i do have to get schoolwork sometime, so i left at 1. night went downhill from there. stopped snowing, though it's still piled up on the sidewalks. called l and left a message and she called back from the car with swmnbm and heather- they were drunk and having a fabulous time- i was so happy with my time, but theres sounded so much better, all of a sudden, i was just a small girl all alone in the winter late at night in the dirty city very by myself. i called a, and she was totally consoling, not even letting me say it, saying i can't compare, that good times all look different and they can't be better than one another, and it was the same argument i give for crafting, and since i believe that, i had to be consoled.
but i guess i'm still feeling like i need conection, cause it's 2:30 in the morning and instead of sleeping i'm blogging. jamie just signed online- scary to think that it's tomorrow already for her.
but i feel like i'm done now. i'll go to bed, and perhaps get a chance to talk to l tomorrow. goodbye, and goodnight.
so grant, who i painted sets for, has another real live show going up at a studio theater in the atheneum. and thurs and fri were previews. free theater friday night- i can't turn that down. problem was, doing all this xmas card writing and balloon blowing uping, i was wearing g's sexy bell bottom jeans. i'm still not used to wearing pants, especially pants that tight. i couldn't sit at a show that long. i would have had just enough time to go home, change and get back to the theater- but ch invited me out for margaritas. and whatever- i needed to eat. so a quesidilla and 2 margaritas later, i walked over to state street, cruised h&m, found 6 things i loved, tried them on, decided the grey velour stretch yoga pants were the cheapest most comfortable option for sitting in a theater, bought them, changed into them, hopped on the train and made it to the atheneum by 8. what can i say? i'm a rock star.
so i didn't have high hopes for the play, but it was FABULOUS. if you ever get the chance to see crumble: lay me down justin timberlake, go. i wish i could have taken ch- it was his fave type of dark, dark, snarky humor. and a hopeful ending- you know how i require those. i was feeling WIRED, i had no problems sitting still, but felt i could do anything. i picked up a reader on my way home to see what was playing at village north. when i got home i put on my xmas music for the first time- it was snowing and i felt like it was time to get into the holiday season. i spent an hour cleaning my house, then i walked to village north for the midnight showing of rent. i really enjoyed it- what can i say- you know i 'm a sucker for the rock opera. i hate listening to musicals at work, so i always forget how, as a genre, i usally enjoy them, especially on film. is this embarrassing? plus, in one of the brief phone calls i had with l (serious- we haven't talked for more than 5 minutes since wednesday, i think) she said i was her hero for going to a midnight showing of a movie by myself, so that made me feel all urban and cool. and the snow- always the past few days, the snow. i love it so much, feel quite passionate about it. it's so beautiful, so wintery, so holidaylicious. it makes me feel happy and alive.
i woke up late, bought my ticket for xmas, called the appropriate people and let them know my dates, showered and ate. then i went to vogue to buy the fabric for my patternmaking final. i'm standing at howard in my black coat, peering down track 3 waiting for the purple line. i'm listening to jethro tull's ring out on pearl, and the snowflakes are a lovely white contrast on my coat. it's really beautiful, and i'm feeling full, just emotional- feeling like christmas and beauty and nostalgia for last year this time when i was packing my suitcases for germany. main street in evanston is so quaint, after i was done at vogue i walked through the snow to the other side of the street and did xmas shopping at ten thousand villages and toys et cetera. i guess the snow bums people out, people with cars, sidewalks, but it makes me feel alive, joyful and urban, content with the choices i've made, beautiful.
came home, made something to eat, decided i didn't have enough time to do laundry or go grocery shopping before ch's party. so i went online shopping instead- i'm working well through my list- unfortunately don't have any of my schoolwork done. got a letter from anne in sf- the last letter i sent to her i came out to her, so i was really interested in this one. it made me cry- but i was feeling emotional anyway. it was both harsh and kind, basically saying i'd rather have you be a christian lesbian than a straigh athiest. funny- i just realized it's a little like g, when i tried to get her drunk to come out to her, and she said she was cool, no big surprise, i should have gotten her drunk to tell her i wasn't an xian anymore.
so stopped by osco to pick up some smirnoffs (fuck you, ANGEL) and doritos for ch's party, and headed over to his house- bad train karma, was almost 30 min. late. it was fabulous- we ate chili, drank vodka cranberry things, watched john water's pecker. afterwards, johhny b's like- i have this song i have to hear, so he puts it on. then ch goes, that reminds me of this one, and we play these dance songs one after another. and i'm siding around the wood floors in my handknit knee socks, and ch is pulling out all of his pointed toe moves, and we're having a fabulous time, rocking out. carlos eventually has to go, so we stop dancing and start switching off slower songs. ch takes the cat's chair while johnny b and his boy canoodle on the coutch. i lurk on the windowsill- their apartment is radiator heat wtih no thermostat, and it's an oven, especially while dancing, and i'm down to my velour pants and z's indian print tank top. i'm feeling all sexy looking perched in the bay window with the scented candles, drinking and munching, watching the snow fall on the cemetary- it was very chicago to me, i felt hip and urban and in community.
but i do have to get schoolwork sometime, so i left at 1. night went downhill from there. stopped snowing, though it's still piled up on the sidewalks. called l and left a message and she called back from the car with swmnbm and heather- they were drunk and having a fabulous time- i was so happy with my time, but theres sounded so much better, all of a sudden, i was just a small girl all alone in the winter late at night in the dirty city very by myself. i called a, and she was totally consoling, not even letting me say it, saying i can't compare, that good times all look different and they can't be better than one another, and it was the same argument i give for crafting, and since i believe that, i had to be consoled.
but i guess i'm still feeling like i need conection, cause it's 2:30 in the morning and instead of sleeping i'm blogging. jamie just signed online- scary to think that it's tomorrow already for her.
but i feel like i'm done now. i'll go to bed, and perhaps get a chance to talk to l tomorrow. goodbye, and goodnight.
1.12.05
class, yeah, blah
michelle went crazy in lighting today! she's all into it! she's been inspired for our project! fuck! now i have to get my shit together, because i don't want to be the least prepared in the class. and it sure sounds like it's that way for me now. i just don't think that way- i'm not a designer at all. whatever. in the other room today at the costume shop, sorting hundreds of shoes with michelle. claustrophobic. patternmaking was a bit of a bummer- my bodice is way to big. there was so much ease built into my pattern, i don't think i'll ever get it all out. so next week the model will be fitted to a new muslin bodice. i will have to make the skirt out of the real fabric, though. and that's what the rendering is from: we had to design a bodice and a skirt. the top had to have buttons, sleeves, and a collar. the skirt had to be different than our straight skirt pattern. we have to make a pattern from the rendering then buidl it out of muslin, then fit it, and build it out of fashion fabric. so i'll be spending yet another weekend going to vogue. fiction wriitng was fun- it was all reading our work and preparing for rewrites. i'm rewriting my new piece, with the opposites. probably a bad idea, since it's 16 pages long. also- full of dykes. everything i write isn't full of dykes, but it seems everything that gets read in class is. sigh. haven't heard from l all day, which means she's going through hell. i need to get to bed, because i never get home at a decent time on thursdays. i should head straight to bed. instead i blog. my discription for life recently: mundane.
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