fambly

z's in the shower, i should be wrapping gifts. but if she's obessive about her aim list, i can be obsessive about blogging, right? i have a feeling this is gonna be a long post, though, so i'll probably save it in chunks and post it all when it's all long and i'm ready. zoe rose is sitting on my lap as i type this. good kitty.

so i'm still analizing my preparations (or lack therof) to come here. i left in such a hurry i didn't bring any jewelry. i barely brought my contact stuff. what happened? i was so enthusiastic about going to anne's for the bricker christmas, seeing the vegan anarchist second cousin, the party-in-a-box, etc. i think my change came from having so many people around me in horrid family situations. you know? i feel like i can't complain about my family when ch is gonna be celebrating with his roommate and all the dogs they're watching for all the friends with real families. but i think that's put me in denial about my well rounded family, that yeah some parts are better than other peoples, and i get along with z again, but there are also hard things, like not having an immediate family of my own, having it filled with strangers. and there's always the lack of independence and the playing of mom and dad off each other- easier with mom out of town, but still an issue nonetheless.

yeah, i guess i just keep coming back to balance. we were stuck in traffic behind a really bad accident on the blue route coming home from the airport last night. dad was playing his christmas mixes and the three of us were singing along. and we'd do parts, not like harmony or anything like that, just goofy stuff like z would sing the lead, dad would sing the choir, and i'd whistle the guitar solo. and there was a certain freedom, a small feeling of home, in being with people who like christmas music, and know the words to these particularly melancholy christmas rock songs. but then we got to his house and the living room was taken up by my stepbrother tim and his girlfriend and another friend of theirs playing monopoly and watching willy wonka. the three of us hung in the kitchen for a little while, and it was ok, but still felt so segregated to me.

and grandma is everywhere. i know this is healthy, but i notice it so. my dad's mom was a small, quick moving woman who loved to cook enormous quantities of food in her tiny for as many people as she could stuff in her house. she changed the drapes twice a year and decorated for every holiday. she and pop-pop lived across the street from the hospital and grandma was always inviting in invalid relatives and their visitors. she nursed her brother and her husband back to health one year after they both had bipass surgery the same week. then the week before christmas 2 years ago, after raking the leaves in the yard that very morning, she went to a meeting for church and had a stroke she never woke up from.

it's so hard to imagine, because grandma was always so active- everyone just talks about how she was RAKING LEAVES that very morning. and especially compared to pop-pop, who's had 2 bypass surgeries and can't really walk, and has been living his last few days for the past 25 years or so. it's like i can't really picture grandma gone, since i'm so rarely home, and don't see her that often anyway. but the intensity in which pop-pop misses her is hard to avoid.

and then you all know i missed her funeral for an acting class. everyone wanted me there- here- in pa- as soon as possible. all i wanted was to stay in chicago and morn, but i knew that was unacceptable. i was expected to be there for the family, so i went. but i should have waited until service dates were set, i could have skipped that class instead. my professor was so mean about rehersals for the final, but really, your grandma's funeral would be a good excuse not to be there. i have so few regrets in life, especially now that i have the red skirt. but missing grandma's funeral is definately one of them. z and i stopped talking for a year or so after that, and another incident at our stepsister's wedding. i didn't deserve the wedding thing, but i did, about grandma.

so now i'm in pa for christmas again- haven't been since then. and she's everywhere. we baked cookies together without her, in my dad's kitchen. i think this was the first time my dad's eaten a christmas cookie without her. we found her cookie press, cause i wanted to make the peanut butter dogs. she even has the recipie book still with it, and the norwegian cookie recipie has the note at the bottom in her handwriting, "these are lousy."

you've noticed the shift in time here, right? i wrote the first part of this entry at the beginning of the weekend, and now it's tuesday morning,i've left the family, and i'm analizing how it went. but there wasn't really a good transition to make it into 2 separate entries. so. i guess the family rundown. the party-in-a-box was subduded. sarah has a boyfriend, and she missed both cookie baking and the movie for family activities with him. i definately spent time being jelous. z and i were a united front, for the most part. she makes me feel like it is only her inherent kindness that she puts up with me, but that's ok. as long as she does, i don't mind her distain so much. she only let it realy show when we were scatagories partners. i don't think my off the wall suggestions were THAT weird. (and of course, aunt ellen still keeps the old scatagories papers in grandma's handwriting at the bottom of her box.)

dad, well, i guess it went ok. i was going to type pretty positive and kind about him, then he had to go and ruin it last night when we were at the party-in-a-box's, being homophobic and racist over dinner. thank god: though the homophobia jokes got laughs, no one thought the concentration camp jokes were funny. when he kept going, louise next to me asked, "what is he talking about?" and i said, "he's trying to dig himeself out of a hole, and it's not working." i don't care if he heard me, i was feeling exceptionally cruel after the imitation of the gay figure skater. i don't understand how my family can be so sypmathetic about some things and not about others. one of our cousins has a bone disease, she's always been in a wheelchair and her lower body has never grown. she's got a new boyfriend, and pop-pop was talking about how good he is with her, and louise said that his family is really angry and hates that he's with her. and i'm like, what, her nails are too long? and she rolled her eyes at me and said, "some people are just like that."

weird, as always, to be out to z and no one else. at the big extended family gathering christmas night, 40-50 people smashed into my godparent's very average size home, the vegan anarchist 2nd cousin once removed asked what was new in my life and i told her my usual, i met this girl... and it was just too uncomfortable to go very far with it, with my dad sitting just across the couch from me, sure his attention was focused completely on the game, but still. makes me nervous. especially there. he doesn't like dealing with his whole family at once, i don't think... this christmas extended family gathering is the same one where he abandoned z and i the christmas of the divorce. mom had to come back and rescue us- i think that was the moment z started hating christmas.

the stepfamily relations ended up differently than i expected. i always forget how CRAZY my stepsister vicki drives me. she just talks all the time. it's nonstop, it's obsessive, it's this constant current that exhausts me. i DO care about her adorable baby and the poor trama he's going through. but i just can't keep up. i actually had much more fun with my stepbrother tim. i think i am usally surprised by this, because really, i'm creeped out by straight boys. but he can be clever and kind, and he has a nice girlfriend who z says is good for him (which i believe, though i'm not close enough to make my own judgement). in general, we all played games, watched movies, ate, did the typical family stuff. and z helped me pinpoint something that has always made me feel uncomfortable at pams house, but i never realized why: my stepmother is a perpetual tidyer. you can't leave a drink alone for a second, or it's dumped and the glass in the dishwasher. all of your stuff is quickly piled and deposited in your room. your bed is made for you the first time you leave your room and she or dad get a chance to go in. it totally creeps me out.

so i guess i should end with a quick overview of the gifts: dad gave me a portable dvd player as well as the reciver, so that should be fun to play with on the plane. completely unexpected, i don't know how often i'll use it, but whatever, it's small.

z got me a red kitchen aid toaster. me and my highfalutin' kitchen appliances. i love em.

but the winner is mom, who got me a camera phone! photos in every blog entry coming soon! aren't you excited? i know i am!!