note: 2 of 2 posts. please read this one second if you want the evening in chronological order.
so there we are, looking fabulous, on the #6. she says to me, "you only have 2 responsibilites tonight: to navigate us home, and to not stay out later than you can handle." it made me feel good, the way she said, i know you get yourself home late and drunk, so i have no worries you'll get us back safely. perhaps she was still self consious about the eyelashes. i'm used to keeping a personal eyelash awareness up- it was odd to be paying more attention to the adherence and comfort of someone elses eyelashes (well, theoretically my eyelashes on someone elses eyelids). we walked to t's in andersonville, where we'd meet ch and johnny b. i'd never been there before, but ch wanted to try in on the review in time out chicago: "... the gay men sit in the front room, the lesbians flirt in the back room, and the straights walk back and forth confused." when we were trying to decide where to go, ch had asked, "now, leah, is she a beer person or a wine person or a whiskey person?" and i had no idea. i asked her, and she said, "whisky, or wine person.. although beer's ok if that's what we've got." i had my melon sour, and she had diet and whisky. this is another flashback- all those bottles of diet pepsi rolling around in the back of her car. of couse whisky. it seems like everyone i love drinks like an old homeless man! i told her how g drinks whisky sours, and ch drinks bourbon 7s. he and johnny b come in about then, and ch has his bourbon 7. score! the vibe continues to be good between ch and leah, and i'm so glad. you would think all the people i love would love each other, but experiences with ch and a not getting along and z&s not being impressed with g make me nervous. but there's nothing to fear with ch and leah. she had said she felt really good vibes from him at the flowershop, and i guess that made her all the more charming, and let me tell you, no one can resist leah's charm. next round was mine- she'd been talking with ch re: his choice, but i screwed up and got whisky and 7 for leah, tom collins for me. we had a bit of a discussion as to what makes up a tom colins. gin, lime juice, sure, but what else? leah's a bartender, but at a chi-chi place where she makes fancy martinis. an aside of my fave story:
"i carded this guy the other night, and he was all surprised. and i get his id, and he was born in 82- come on. you're only 23, that's plenty young enough to card. and he says to me, 'that's ok, it saves me the trouble.' and i say, 'the trouble of what?' and he says, 'the trouble of introducing myself.' " i gape at her, shocked by what bigger jerks her customers are than mine. "what did you do?" i asked. she looks right at me, makes a little nod, and an informed em sound, and says "well," looks at the imaginary id she's holding with a straight face, looks back at me, "...brian, what can i get you to drink?" and hands me the imaginary id. it's the look that makes it so funny. i wish i could post a movie link.
so there's this theater company promoting at t's. leah gets us kamakaze shots, and we eat fries, but there is this INCREDIBLE movie trivia contest going on. it's like 100 questions. and there's all these catagories. perhaps they didn't realize about 10 questions is the most drunk bar patrons can handle. leah and ch kept answering them- my movie trivia is a little better via netflix, but still not great. leah and ch were totally bonding over pop culture. if i was the new friend, it would have been awful, but since they were both my good friends, i was enjoying their bonding, that they were fulfilling a roll for each other i could not fill. however, when the guy with the mike announced, section 5- anagrams! we just about shot our drinks out our noses. no, i said. we CANNOT stay for this. did we have another round? i don't think so, but i know i was cheerfuly tipsy by this time. but they were really tall drinks. ch and johnny b had gone out for mexican before meeting us (how had i not mentioned this? or johnny b's adorable cinco de mayo sombrero?) so i didn't know if we'd be be able to convince ch to go to the second location with us. i didn't mention the rule of barhopping- the second location is always lame. we stood on clark considering- south is the bathouse- naked men. the eagle- the leather bar. we couldn't get in- they have a strict dress code. we started walking north, and ch called johnny b, who told us of a good second location. it wasn't crowded, and they were playing music from ch's youth. there was a dance floor with a small platform, but no one was dancing- leah was sad. we only had one round there, and we were ready to move on. it was pretty lame, but that doesn't curse the 3rd location...
ch was again trying to decide- home or out with us. we discussed going to boystown, but ch finally decided- BIG CHICKS. he figured it'd be safe on a thursday night. ( big chicks, as you may remember, is the bar ch&r met at, and one of the things ch lost in the divorce.) the dance floor was closed there, which was TOTALLY sad, but we still had a rocking time. leah holds her drinks really well- i was sad to be the weakest stomach. i don't mind being behind ch, as he's twice as big as me, but leah can't weigh a pound more. not that i was puking in the bathroom or anything. i still had my citron cosmo, free shot at midnight, and amaretto sour. instead of the usual boyporn they were playing 80s videos on the tvs, and ch and leah were singing and dancing along. i felt surrounded by love, with them both touching me and singing to me. i don't really understand this obsession of mine with touch (read: i understand the obsession with listing my wardrobe and drinks). i think it has to do with so rarely being touched sober. it makes me hyper aware when an unconcious hand on my shoulder or leg happens. it's all hard to remember now- it's like a scene in a movie, with some sort of smoke and dark lighting, a type of drunken fog. but trust me, it was awesome, very much fun. ch was checking out some guy, and he was lifting his shirt to his friends. a bit later, leah leaves for a couple of minutes, and comes back later with the guy. she says, "i just met derrick- i'd like to introduce him to you. derrick and i were talking about how we have new piercings." leah touches her nose. i touch my ear, saying, "mine's not very interesting." derrick shows us his nipples. after he goes away, we laugh, no one really believing leah just did that. at the end of the night, ch is talking to michael (i won't even get into that story!) and leah's standing behind me. she puts her arms around my waist and lays her head on my shoulder. i put my hands over hers and lean my head in and we settle together. it's this feeling of perfect fit, being two soft girls whose hips and shoulders match. the same way meeting michael helped confirm i am a lesbian, standing with leah was the same feeling- not the absence of feeling for the übercrushable michael, but this overwhelming comfort of- this is what it's like for girls to be together. Being hugged by charles is an enveloping feeling, and his coarse hairy maleness is inherently protective. but the power there still gives me this tiny bit of panic deep inside my small, fragile body. g and i don't touch very often- there's the electricity, and i try to cover myself in emotional insulation so i don't get shocked. a. man, i don't know how describe it with a. so often, it seems the inherent feeling is of wrongness, like we're exploiting our friendship for things it shouldn't be just cause we want it so much.
on the train ride home, leah and i were cuddling, silly drunk. when we were first going out she was worried she wouldn't be as interesting as my ipod, but she talked to me the whole way home. again, it's hard to remember- i remember seeing the signs for grand out the window when she exclaimed, "wait- you slept with a!" i remember her talking about her discontent in philly. i remember reciting the el stops to her, proving i could safely get us home. the other picture i wish i had was watching her on the train, from her shoulder- seeing her looking down at me, the foreshortened curve of her cheek, her mouth telling me all sorts of wonderful things, and those awesome false eyelashes, seeing them from the bottom where all the glitter is. remembering makes me sing one of my rockin new songs on not so soft, "we can touch- touch our girl cheeks, and we can hold hands like paper dolls." the next ani line is "we can kiss- kiss goodnight" and makes me wonder if i should have tried to kiss her. i'm not saying i should have- or that i know it would have been wrong if i did. it was really incredible, this comfort in place- we are friends, and this is what friends do, and isn't it nice, and it doesn't have to be the first step before jumping into bed together. i'm not sure what's been going wrong in my head that i haven't been able to apriciate cuddling for just itself before this- it's always been either this is a little creepy and i'm feeling uncomfortable, or this isn't enough, i want more, keep going, ache. anyway, too much digression. there still is more night to tell!
when we got home, we did the dishes, and finished off our stories and the white wine. we watched fairies- my first time since i got my replacement dvd. she liked it, but it's a great movie to watch drunk. finally, finally, we succumbed. peeled off our eyelashes, brushed our teeth, and went to bed.
this may be the longest post i've ever written. thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading the whole thing. it's taken me over 2 hours to write. i think it's worth it. but if you don't comment on it, i may cry.
i'm on the third page of the paper. lots of pages to go before i sleep.
did finish pages for you, it was beautiful and poignant, in a jeffery eugenedies sort of way- sad, but you knew from the very begining what was going to happen, so the rest of the book was the gorgeous journey of getting there. the corners are very dogeared- much to write in my quote book. to share with you, most of the prologue:
too tired to work. must work. have to work. spent most of the evening going to pay june rent, get my new keys. stopped by the library first and got more shakespeare books, and pages for you by silvia brownrigg. it's pretty magnificent so far, beautiful and a welcome escape from my hated life.
and i was happy with my painters elevation. i got a great critique from frances on my life is a dream renderings! i should have pictures of a few of them up next week this time. i'll link back of course. don't get me wrong, i'm still missing some shadows, and i need to completely reswatch other costumes, but for frances, i left there feeling funny and free. (talking about that, my coming out mix is done. if you want a copy, please email me or post a comment. even those of you who feel like you should be garunteed a mix, drop me a line anyway, cause i'm getting tired of the whole 11 copies thing. a few things it's not: the best of lesbian singersongwriting, or a uplifting mix for anyone to come out to. it's more autobiographical, as my mixes tend to be. so it's more the story of my coming out, rather than a standard of some sort.) 
