at gabrielle's

we'll see how much sense this makes. i'm at gabrielle's house, typing on her laptop while watching the debate on tv with anne, helen and jess. it's rather distracting. we're talking about taking shots everytime they say iraq, which would make it much more fun. so my classes, whatever. yesterday at work, ch is like, what are you doing tonight? and i said, reading oedipus and writing a paper on it. but he went to a big event tonight, and he wanted me to come over last night and help him decide what he wanted to wear. so i did. we made strawberry margaritas, and fancy tofu egg rolls (SO GOOD!) and i looked at all sorts of pictures he's been promising me. and i helped him choose dark aqua jacket, light green shirt, brown patterned tie, brown pants. it was so much fun. and it didn't take me that long to get home. and i was sober enough to write the paper after that. and still made it to my 8am class just 5 min. late!! class. whatever. so much paperwork crap, not interesting enough to go into. honest. wondering if g's browser will keep this link, wonder if that's how she'll discover my blog. but i miss you guys, and want to tell you about the egg rolls. so here i am. when i got home last night and tried to sign online, it wouldn't work. and then i picked up the phone and there was no dial tone. so perhaps that's how i got the paper done.... anyway, called the phone company, they say they'll try to fix it tomorrow. i pray it's their problem or the landlords, and not mine. still have cockroaches in my kitchen. stil no storm windows. elevator still doesn't stop on eight. why do i live here again? oh, yeah, it's cheap, its huge, it's sunny! really, the phone problem's so minor compared to the stupid practicum credits... anyway. at least i can come here and hang out and type to all you lovely readers. for now, i'm gonna concentrate on bush and kerry (the monkey and the chipmunk?)

first day of school

i actually had all 4 of my classes today. and talked (via voicemail) to my academic advisor about my practicum so i feel... well, exhausted. sylabi always do that to me. how could i ever get all that work done? but i always do, and this semester will be no different. i'll just take good notes and worry about one week at a time. it seems fine. theories of personality seems to be a drag, an intro to psyc class rather than the myers-brigs/ enneigram i was hoping for. (amy , do you have that utne reader, too?) and 8am! my god! who takes a class at a time like that? my styles and crafts (theater history) professor can't be much older than me. he wears thriftstore clothes, chains, a gotee and a chin stud. oh, and swears like a sailor. should be fun. text analysis- basically english comp with actors. can see why i need it. after those two, it was such a culture shock to go to Fashion: a Historical Perspective. i go from all these crazy extroverted theater majors to a fashion class. all the fashion design students are female, unnaturally blond or highlighted, tall or stilletoed, stylish, shy. i'm by far one of the shyest people in my theater classes, but seem so loud and gregarious in the fashion one, where people don't even shake their heads very hard! it's crazy. the best part is, it ends an hour earlier than says the sylabus. so i have more time to work at the costume shop! horray!

end of an era

my last dentist appointment was saturday morning! all the work has been done, and now the've been cleaned, and i don't have to go back for 6 months! they were all excited for me too. but oh, was it early after i was out so late friday night! i expected the day to be completely wasted, but i actually ended up getting alot done- grocery shopping, quiche for dinner, those cookies made and wrapped up in tidy packages to mail all over the world tomorrow. all that on top of reading the newspaper and getting a nap! box of funky birthday gifts from my mom arrived. a strechy purple velvet beret to store my dreads in. this birthday has been totally about my hair. no word or anything from my dad. i think it's kind of strange. i hope it's all ok. over the rhine was playing at old town school of folk music last night. i wish i would have been more on top of things to go hear them. i wouldn't have finished the packages, but it seems crazy. i'm rich enough now. but the last time g and ch and i went to hear otr was such a high point, i would probably be disapointed if i ever tried to recreate it. ruth sent me a birthday card (and called, too, but i wasn't home) and she said my blog seemed depressing enough that it wasn't an upper to read on a regular basis. i'm hoping that that was the old one, that she hasn't read this one yet. this seems much more acurate of my day to day worries and activities- and i keep getting closer and closer to a regular day to day happiness, i think. so i hope she reads again and changes her mind. it'll make me more aware, anyway, which is a good thing. charles was telling me about a pbs special he saw in freud and cs lewis. he finds both characters interesting, esp. as he doesn't subscribe to either of their beliefs. he said it was a poorly made documentary, but there was someof the information was facinating. his favorite quote has become one of my new faves, too. it's what freud said the point of analysis is- "to transform someone's wretchedness into ordinary unhappiness." i guess it's getting me all ready to go to theories of personality class at 8am (!) tuesday. but if i got through last fall, this one will be much easier, right?

happy birthday!

ah. it was a lovely day. ch just kept surprising me all day with gifts. first it was melagros, little mexican charms, for me to be creative with- i think i'm going to sew them in my hair. then, what a surprise, a copy of the poem he wrote for my birthday last year. i was in new york city, cory had just taken me to the "picasso to pollock" exhibit in the guggenheim, and ch called and recited this poem he wrote on my voicemail. i found the scrap of paper it was written on. then it was lost, and i didn't think i'd ever see it again. but he wrote up a nice copy for me, with his photocopied picture. it's so charming- i'm so touched someone wrote a poem about me. then, later, as if that wasn't enough, he gave me a copy of Tales of the City, which i've been trying to borrow from him and read for awhile. we usally don't like the same sorts of books, but so far this one seems great. oh, and he bought me a chocolate bar while i was doing the day end reports. it was a beautiful, beautiful end of summer day. was listening to stacy's i left that wild side long ago mix, walking down 53rd st on my 24th birthday. and the sun was shining, and my skirt was flowing and the world was a lovely place. i bought myself indian food and went back home to eat it. then to get ready. disaster nearly struck as i dropped my eyelash adhesive down the sink, never to be returned. luckily, my new purple glitter false eyelashes were stuck to the container with adhesive, and that proved to be enough to attach them. the "glitter blood" was rather lame. not quite hedwig quality glitter, and it was really dry- needed gloss over top. and my new shoes broke as i was moving around the house, so it was big black boots for me. which was fine, i'm more comfortable in them anyway, but so sad not to be able to premiere my south street shoes. in spite of all this, i was still ready enough before the girls came to paint my fingernails purple. anyway, gabrielle picked me up and she and her flatmates carolyn and and helen told me how glamorous i looked, and we went off to the lepard lounge. it's in bucktown, lots of leather upolstry and 20s and 30s erotica and porn decorating the walls and playing on the tv. loud music of all sorts- first jazz then dusty springfield then some hard dance thing- it was crazy. we settled on our lepard possets in the corner and i drank "cat naps" godiva chocolate martinis with strawberries. it was like dessert. it was good times- was afraid it'd be awkward with the roomates, but conversation was good. they were going to drop me off at big chicks to meet ch &r, but they wanted to come in and meet them, and wow... i'm drinking, we're all dancing. i had lots of visions of my birthday under these false eyelashes, but none of them included dancing with carolyn at this packed boy bar... and you would think these guys were straight the way they go after gabrielle. what is it with those sensuous pheremones of hers? this short guy just honed in on her. then he puts me between the two of them and grinds the three of us together... i'm like, man, i don't think i'm drunk enough for this yet. ch &r and i hang out for awhile after the girls leave, and when they drive me home we stop at the same tacoria in boystown we went to the first time i went to big chicks. (if you're chicagoian, don't ask why rafael drives through boystown when going from andersonville to hyde park.) ch keeps kidding me about how it's not my birthday anymore, so i guess after midnight i don't get my special privleges. i'd peeled off my purple eyelashes and crawled into bed by three. killer birthday.

tapas

how my day has been- bit of this, bit of that. worked at the costume shop for a few hours- the vibe SUCKED there, i can't believe this is what i want to do with my life. there must be someplace with happier people. and i'm still so clueless. i guess i'll learn my decades eventually, but i just feel so stupid- like eventually tom will just sigh and say, don't you know ANYTHING? i'll just put it all away myself, it'll be easier that way. after he left, i went to the searstower to help charles out- he and jim were installing these 7 foot fiddle leaf figs in an office across the street. ch had had a hard morning with jim, and so invited me out for a drink, but it turned into our company birthday meal- rather than buying me lunch tomorrow he took me out to a tapas bar for dinner. i've never had tapas before, so it was a yummy and exciting experince. i didn't think i'd drunk sangria before, but then when i had a sip it was so familiar. i finally pinned it down- a party of cory's- summer sometime- maybe right before he moved? not sure. very mysterious. i like more solid memories.
but now i need to finish off these care packages, bake the cookies, etc. perhaps if you're lucky you'll get some! (hint: making comments will help your case!)

rules of conversation

mom called me today. she said allie talked to her, and i should just assume that if she calls me it's cause she wants to talk, if i call her that means i have something to say. and if i have something to say i have to say it in the first 15 min. of conversation if i want to make sure it's addressed. when i told allie, she said,
"wow- rules on conversation, sorryI thought it would help. but apparently it is not"
i love how she makes everything feel like my fault.
i wanted to say, "if i wanted to tell you i would! i guess my problem is wanting you to care!"
she asked three times what gabrielle and i did on tues. then after she told me the rules, i interupt her and say, "well should i i tell you what g and i did yesterday?" and she said i thought i'd asked you that already! what i should have said was "yes you asked, but i thought you'd like to hear the answer. forgive me for wanting to tell you."

day off

it's been lovely. my last one, the last weekday i have off till thanksgiving. my gift day, the one that was so unexpected. god's birthday present, or something. jen picked me up and helped me get the form back to the costume shop- so all the ordeal with mom's dress is done with. then we went to the fancy italian restaurant upstairs in the sears tower for lunch- i'd had a gift certificate i got for my birthday last year, and it expired friday. we felt slightly out of place, but oh, the food was good! from the pasta to the AMAZING gelato. i went to school to pick up my upass, then off to hyde park to meet gabrielle. first we went to walgreens cause she needed crazy glue. and there was a whole aisle of haloween supplies. i bought a lovely kit that had red glitter hedwig lipstick and purple fake eyelashes. i'm so excited to have fake eyelashes. i hope someone takes me out someplace cool for my birthday. next we went to bojians bazzar and she bought new rings earings, and scarf, and i got more beads for my hair. then we went to the blackstone library and got her a library card!!! i was so happy it was finally taken care of. she had to find books for work, so we sat on the floor of the childrens library for an hour and 1/2 and read fairy tale picture books to each other. (any one who knows hyde park geography will realize that this path took us by BOTH of hyde park's excellent 2nd hand music stores. i was very restrained. didn't even slow down, much.) we went back to her place just quick to pick up my bag and for her to change. she was going to a party and it's right on my street, so we were going to walk together. i had suggested her lil black h&m dress, and she needed me to zip it up for her- the top is really tight! luckily it's an invisible zipper that won't slide down. i put her flip flops in her purse for her, picked the price tag off her new scarf so she could wear it, and generally expidited the going out process. so i'm feeling really good about this. it's been wonderful relations all day. apparently she doesn't think any creepy thoughts if she's still asking me to zip up her dress for her. i was worried about things being weird or different the next time we saw each other, but no. esp. compared with how hard it is for me to make conversation with jen, g is a dream to hang out with, talk to, whatever. along with all her other lovely characteristics!

repaired

was worried to even ask charles how his weekend went. but it seems rafael was being rash and explosive, and really panicked and regretted what he said, and they are working things out, and staying together. i am so glad. ch has been talking to his friends when he's out of the shop or when i'm with a customer, so my usual way of getting gossip via eavesdropping hasn't been working. so i know no details. it's wierd, cause i know i love and need to spew all my crap to him, so i don't know why i feel nosy if i ask him prodding questions. i hope in the end he tells me what he thinks i need to know, and he has someone he can tell everything he needs to say to. i mentioned my blog today, he had no idea i had one. not that his computer is even turning on these days, let alone going online, but i'm still gonna email him the address. so i have to make sure i say only nice things about my boss from now on!

drunk and out

so all went as planned last night. when g came over and asked where we were going, i got a bit nervous. i suggested the closet, up north, which ch and i discussed, cause it was a mixed crowd for a boystown bar. and g was like, do you want me to drive? and i said, no, i want you to drink. and then she's like, well, it's so far away, and i have to go to work tomorrow- i can have one... and i say, well then, why are we going out? and she suggests jimmy's on 55th, here in hyde park. it's where the students talk of hanging out, and i think this is a great idea, as i want a neighborhood bar.
so it's just this lovely, well paced evening. all my fave actiivites. i cook dinner for her. she waxes my dreads while i read her traveling mercies. then (after a few changes of shoes) we walk to the bar.
she holds her liquor so well! i mean, i'd act silly anyway. but she has such control. that's just how she is. so it was harder than i expected, cause i just felt so much drunker than she was. but i told her i was a lesbian. she wasn't really surprised, she said, "you didn't need to get me drunk for this! i was more surprised when you told me you weren't a christian anymore. you should have gotten me drunk then!" of course, i seriously back pedaled from the wetter side of the 2nd napkin. definately lies of ommition if not comition. but it's better that way. really . she's so fucking straight. amy, dear amy, called me today just to make sure i was ok, all went well, she was so worried for me, worried she'd get a distraught text message in the middle of the night. i need that voice in my life next to michi and leah's of course you need to tell her! it all will be fine! but this time, they're right, it is all fine, so far.

revealing instant message

WARNING: i don't know how to put returns in my blog, so the im included herein is particularly hard to read. sorry.
so, i'm just casually typing to allie, and i mention i'm trying to write that previous entry, and she wants to know my blog address. i explain how it's a secret, due to how i can't stop blogging about g, and she says....

a: oh by the way.. you have noting to worry about with mom
a: she totally knows
c: oh? really?
a: yeah.. case like before the wedding we were talking and she was like well you have a boyfriend, samir... and caity will find a 'partner'
c: you're making that up
a: and then we were talking about you.. and how you said gma offended you 3 times.. and I was like yeah gma was talking smack on samir
a: no
a: and I said that she was telling you that you were going to date a nice christian boy and how you were like sure grandma
a: and she was like.. oh was that one of caity's lies
a: and I was like,... uhm I don't know...
c: really! anything else? i don't feel bad repeating conversations i have now that i know you talk about me too!
a: we don't really
a: we were talking about gma.... or marty
a: and you came up
a: but mom totally knows... she has given me the impression time and time again
a: I even think way back to vicki's wedding
c: that's ok. i just want someone else's gauge.
c: really? cause i couldn't cough up a date?
a: when somebody was like dude your sister is so a lesbian and I said it to mom.. and she was like...well don't you think you sister could be....there is nothing wrong with that as long as she is happy
a: and it is one of those things you don't think about until after it happens
a: like years later
a: and you realize how naive you were at that moment
c: wow. this is totally crazy to hear.
c: who was like dude your sister is so a lesbian, i wonder?
a: I don't know
a: some guys from the wedding party.

SO what am i supposed to make of all this? and what's gonna be my next course of action along those lines?

agitated ramblings

cleaning- nothing more interesting than that today. i can't beleive how long it took. i didn't even get a chance to pay my bills. but my house was a mess. now it's not. i wonder when joe leaves. g said she'd call me today. i guess she will tomorrow. i'm so distracted. can't concentrate. i have so many letters to write. packages to mail. therefore, things to knit, cookies to bake.... and then there's this extra week of vacation for me. i feel like i'll be squandering my gift.
the english class i want doesn't count. and so i need to take another one, but they're all 4 credits, which pushes me over the limit. so i'll never graduate. it's terrible. trying to watch the philadelphia story again- i can't remember who hooks up with who, but it all seems so familiar....i love old movies diolouge, and jimmy stewart and kathrine hepburn are my faves, but man, i can't stand the 40s and 50s plots! they are just so, so painful. trying to knit knee socks. have i mentioned that? lots of ripping out.

signs and portents

found out today ch and r are breaking up. how can this happen? as amy says, it's an institution. if my world is this rocked, how must ch feel? i wish i could do something for him, make it all better. i want to be a good friend. makes me depressed and loose steam for the whole comming out obsession, too. i just used their relationship 2 days ago to gabrielle as an example of a gay couple made for each other. oops. that doesn't further my arguments much. i'll tell her this sunday when we go out. as to whether i make it to the second napkin.... well, we'll see. we'll see how drunk i get, how drunk she gets.
mom called at work when i was alone, she was looking for charles for birthday gift ideas. so i told her, and she was very sympathetic for ch, and called r a dirty rat, and said she always thought it was an unequal pair and r got the better 1/2 of the deal. so that was sweet. but then she went on about what she had for rosh hashanah dinner, and then she was home, so she didn't want to talk anymore. i tried telling her that i had a problem yet, but it's stupid, cause if i do that then she listens patiently, but she doesn't really care. i want her engaged in a conversation sometime. if she is concentrating just on talking to me, and not on driving or trying to get me off the phone so she can welcome her dog or eat dinner or whatever, maybe then i will think about comming out to her. 'till then, forget it.
went to a church activity again today, and again it was pretty successful. horray! more work in the new offices. they sent out an email asking for help with ikea furnature. i mean, putting together ikea furnature is on my resume. how could i not go and help. if was fun, actually, and hard work. i love that feeling of being exhausted and acomplishing something.

three cocktail napkins

on my way home tonight, counting on my fingers, i realized i've had something to drink 6 of the last 8 nights. and 4 of those were serious drinking. i don't really think this is healthy. anyway. ch and i went out tonight. after getting drunk enough, i ask, so what do you think i should say to g sunday? and he's like, there's 3 napkins. he picks up his first pristine one, and says, there's this option, keeping it clean enough for the pope. i interject, so just talking about how sad it is joes leaving. then there's the middle option gesturing to the slightly warped one under his glass, and then there's the this one, he says, picking up my wet one. he says the problem with this is.... and he tears the wet napkin apart in his hands. yeah, i say. the problem with the middle one, is that there's the left side and the right side. one is i like girls. the other is i like you. i guess i'll just have to see how drunk we are. believe it or not, after enough drinks, this whole conversation is hilarious. we'll see what happens on sunday. it's still pretty up in the air.

toying with disaster

it's so sticky tonight i can't move. i'm lying on my back in my chair with my legs sprawled out all over the shit on my desk. it is perhaps not the most comfortable posistion to type in. drunk too much tonight. or maybe not enough. 48 hours ago i was on leah's front porch. i work fast., i guess. i invited gabrielle over to hear all my stories. i made her dinner and told her all the things i did in pa. well, not all of them. it felt like such gaping holes. like im so out of practice and going to slip up. i told her one of my fears was getting a crush on dana. and i almost started to name favourte book titles on rachel and erins shelves. why would i do that? i only had one drink. i feel like my subconcious is trying to booby trap me. so i'm like, better nip this in the bud. when g suggests getting together again sunday, i'm like, sure, lets go out and get drunk. joe leaves sat night, so she thinks this is a great idea. then i mention something about leah and dana, and g says, " yeah, that would be hard. i don't agree with their life style, but i could never do that to someone." and i sigh, and say, "how do you justify that?"

how do i describe the conversation that happened? how do i feel about it? certainly not ready to spill all on saturday, that's for sure. it's no longer assuming now. it's straight from her very lips that she disaproves of the sin of homosexuality. but still, she was more wishy washy when confronted with actual examples: trying to see both sides she could just discribe the (in my view) positive one. i got out my beloved helsnak's what the bible really says about homosexuality. and she said joe had a gay christian friend who lent it to him to read. she asked if she could borrow mine.

we'll see what happens sunday. i'd be playing it by ear anyway. i need a sign from god. it's too bad i'm not a believer.

ah, leah

the title of one of my dad's old rock songs. but who reads this that could tell it. so, after my mother kidnapped me sunday night, i didn't trust her to even take me to the train monday morning. my aunt (the wedding nazi) was going to the airport, so i caught a ride with her. early early. but not early enough. god. the traffic was mizerable. the wedding nazi is not someone you want to be stuck in traffic with for 2 hours. and everyone is stressed when traveling to the airport, scared of missing their flight. you can only imagine. i was so, so glad to finally get on the commuter rail train. home is a commuter train. i am no longer at the will of a driver. i have my own transportation. i am connected. the lovely leah picked me up at the station. she hasn't changed a bit. skinnier, hair a bit shorter, jaw more angular. still, exactly the same. she took me home. and home it was. a little semi detached, with a little yard, and driveway, and garage and front porch. and inside, so charming and colorful and artistic, and warm and welcoming and homey. i felt i had arrived at my destination. i felt that though i had lost a home in pennsylvania, here i had gained one. my room was olive with mustard trim, had a bookcase and cds and leah's guitar, and computer, and a big spare bed with a handmade rainbow quilt and fluffy purple pillows.

i met dana, leah's partner, and i didn't hate her, or have a crush on her, or any of those other things i was afraid of. we talked long over lunch, and as i was apologizing for all the whining i was doing about the wedding, she says, no, i understand. and i'm like, yeah, yeah, heard that before. but here her dad married someone she didn't like, and she really DID know what i'm feeling and she really COULD sympathise. so that was so nice, to talk to someone who had been through this, and had relationships turn out ok on the other side.

dana had to work that night, so leah and i went out alone to the art museum. unfortunately it was closed, so we went shopping on south street instead. it was lovely, all those thrift stores. i took my grandma's birthday money and spent it on a new winter coat, a pair of strappy summer dress up shoes, and this amazing super 70s suitcase with hippie flowers. it totally rocks. we then went out for indian food, then off to her friends rachel and erin's. poor rachel was sick, and we were taking her indian food. oh, they had so many bookcases! and cats! how lovely. the bookcases were depressingly nonfiction, but oh, the fiction! so many of my favourites! franchesca lia block, nancy garden's annie on my mind, living in secret, empress of the world (that's what sara ryan wrote!) i had been telling leah earlier how i don't read any non fiction, just children's fantasy books. so i was a bit embarrased when i was exclaming, and said "i love this one, and this one and this one!" as i pointed, and rachel laughed and said, oh, so it's the young adult lesbian books you like! but i guess if there's anyone it's ok to be a lesbian with, it's these people. and rachel passed on a new title, so i didn't feel really mocked. after a bit erin came home, and she's gorgeous, moving like a dancer. we sat around talking for a bit, then leah and i went home.

leah said, now i'm about to show you one of the reasons why i bought this house. she poured us wine and we went out of the front porch. how can she be so grown up? to have her own front porch to sit and drink and talk by the light of the citronella candle? she made me feel comfortable to spill, so i told her about amy, and gabrielle, and what dan savage told the guy in the similar situation to do. she agreed with him, and michi, that i should tell object of my desire about my affection for those like her and of her in particular. we all open up when we're drunk, she said. she's lived in chicago for a while. how long can you hold this in before the friendship implodes? we fed the dog wheat thins and watched all his impressive tricks. we drank the whole bottle of wine. we talked on the porch until 5 in the morning.

i slept well, for being drunk. it was nice to fall into oblivion. something to get the fucking wedding and it's concequences out of my head. i even feel guilty that that's the saturday event that obsesses all my thoughts. how much does it affect me? anyway, leah drove me and the dog to the park, and we all walked through the woods the next morning. charming, and soothing. i want to move to philladelphia and become a lesbian. then we went to the airport, with promises to communicate better, not to let another 5 years pass. we'll see. it was like a separate vacation. i think charles was suprised. he thought i was going to the wedding, but all i could talk about was leah this, philly that.

about the wedding

i have nothing interesting to say. it was final. it was fun. it is over. amy was there, and who else reads my blog. i need to get onto something more interesting.

conversation with joe

so, yesterday i knew i was supposed to get together with gabrielle in the afternoon, so to makes sure i didn't waste my whole day waiting for the phone call, i decided to do something useful and finish painting my kitchen cabnets. (whenever i tell someone this, they ask, "what color?" i am curious if this is the normal response to a painter, or if it's only asked when someone is known to be as colorful as i am.) also, i was trying to be useful because i didn't go to church. janine told me audrey was there, but even that incentive couldn't get me out of bed. so i painted instead. it was good for my soul. i love to paint.
when gabrielle came over, she helped me try and decide what to wear to my mom's wedding. can't remember the last decison so arduous. glad i had help. we sat around and chatted, and she read some of traveling mercies by anne lamott to me. when she said she needed to go home to clean up her room, i said i'd come to help. so we walked to her house, and i read to her as she tidied. it was rather charming. when her phone rang with joe, she just said "i'll unlock the back door for you." he came over, and used her computer while i read to her and she scetched. as i was getting ready to leave, he came into her room and sat next to me on her bed, and the three of us actually had a conversation, for about 2 hours. it seemed to be realy healthy, i don't know if it was cause we were talking about europe, where i'd been and he hadn't yet, or family history is safe, or if i'm just getting aclimated or whatever, but not only could i make eye contact with him, he didn't give me any reasons for distain.

red moon

wow. and to think i was feeling friendly and connected when i wrote yesterdays post! at 9 last night, charles and rafael call me up, asking if i'd had dinner yet. they took me to soul vegetarian east, as i've been raving about it for years, and they just saw it on check please. cause, of course, nothing really exisits unless you see it on television. (they also now have a car, so this makes it easier to get to 75th st,) anyway, afterwards, rafael really wanted to go out, so they kidnaped me and took me to big chicks (on the entire oppostie side of the city. in andersonville. on the north side. 20 miles away.) god, and so we're driving down lake shore drive, and the city is ours, and it is so beautifful, and we're singing along to the mix cd. "my love's as sweet as tupalo honey..." and charles says, "look!" and out off navy pier, out over the lake they are shooting off fireworks. we have a great view of them as we drive through the loop. then we're cruising along lsd and the fire works are done, and there's that amazing moon hainging in the sky, almost exactly half, red as lips, red as leaves in autumn, red #3, not a colour for the moon to be. chalres says," someone's put a gel on the moon." i said, " this right here, this is enough for me. even if i have an awful time tonight, this will make up for it, this alone makes coming with a good descision." big chicks was fine, not that great, the music was terrible and we left early. we drove down clark and halstead to come home, and it was just alive. rafael stuck his head out the window when we made left turns and cursed out the pedestrians violently in spanish. the pedestrians gawked, and any spanish speakers standing around laughed. i have no idea what he was saying.

friends update

so, here we go. another post exclusively for the blog. approaching a holiday weekend with no activities in sight seemed sort of scary... or at least, unhealthy. but then, last night, called gabrielle. don't know why i always feel like i should wait, testing her, seeing how long it takes her to call me. she makes me live in so many deranged synopses (is that the right way to use that word?) in my head. so anyway i called her, and she said, "hey joe, wait a minute-" finally, intsead of him calling interupting our fun, i was calling interupting their fun! not that i was like, "come over now, and say goodbye to joe." it was more, "i'm not doing anything this whole holiday weekend, and i need a reason to either leave my house or clean it." so we made plans for tomorrow. but then, today, as i was lying naked in bed reading my novel and eating chocolate admidst my discheveled apartment, my phone rings and it's janine, back from the ukraine, visiting from lancaster, pa. and she wants to see me. so after a quick hours preparation, she arrived to me in order, my house in order, all the dishes done and egg salad for lunch. i felt quite proud of myself for acomplishing all of that. now, i need to go shopping. i needed 3 things at ace hardware. i'll be damned if i can remember the 3rd. drill bit, washers. and what? purple paint? a picture frame? blank cds? tampons? none of these are right. so see. i may go crazy anyway.

committed

i am going to blog again. that's all there is to it. i want to make it an equal opertunity blog, where i can invite all my friends, though it looks like that isn't happening, still, i need a place for amy to read what's going on here! perhaps someday there will be someone else who will read it.
had the oddest feeling, after watching fresa y chocolate with g, that i might someday tell her what i think of her. she said the character diego reminded her of me. he has a blue refrigerator that he talks to (his name is rocco, and he's a leo, and he has a dripping problem) and it made her think of my life filled apartment and green microwave. if she only knew the depth of my similarities with diego!s

letter to michi...

oh i don't know. i've been all over the place lately. i can't seem to learn anything in my relationship with gabrielle. it's just all one big internal eternal mess. if i'm not stressed about my mom, it's her, or everyone else leaving me... did i tell you i finished my moms dress this weekend? mailed it monday, it should have arrived today or tomorrow. i don't know. i think the human contact thing is too much for me. i may just turn my phone and my computer off for the next week. its all just too hard. mairee won't come with me to the wedding. she has orientation that weekend. it's like asking you to do something on february12, she said. whatever. she would never have told me if i hadn't been like, i need an answer now. did she think putting it off would make it less painful to hear, or easier to say? wuss. so now i have no date for my mother's wedding. she just recently realized that a few of her guests are vegetarians. don't think she has a solution yet. i need to make plans with amy. she's been blue and i've been blue and we do better bouncing off each other- it's bad when we're both unhappy at the sametime. now gabrielle. every time she comes over, she says either i can't stay long, joe's expecting me back, or he calls, and she leaves. once, she left because of roomates. but just once. she's living with him now. i'm so appalled. i mean, i'd hate him anyway, and i'd hate her boyfriend anyway, too, but them being so christian and pretentious. and like they're so holy they'd never sleep together not being married, and they would never want to "lead others astray" buy letting them know they live together... but she's paying rent on one apartment, and spending each and every night at his. and she's somehow ok with this in her own mind, because they're not having sex and it's not permanent (he's going to study in rome soon, and i assume she'll move out then) but yet, she's not telling her mom? i of course have no place to be so judgemental. i see her at least once a week, often twice. i came home from work today and there was a card taped to my door. the outside was printed "i love you." the inside was printed "it's as simple and as complicated as that." and she writes, "so this card made me think of you, of something you'd say. i just wanted to say thanks for letting me vent about my roomates, for letting me spend time with you in your peaceful, colorful apartment, and for painting my toenails and making me feel pretty. gabrielle" and we'd made plans (o! plans! how i love plans!) to watch a movie this evening, and so i went over there, and we did that. and we're just sitting talking, and i'm feeling the power, cause i'm in her house and now it's me that says it's time for me to go home. until her phone rings. it's him. she says, "well can you wait ten minutes? i'll be there in 10 minutes." this is the point where i do the emotional running away. my body was there for another 3 minutes after the rest of me had already left. i realize that i've left the movie there, and so i call her as i'm walking home. she answers, and i tell her. there's another ring in the backround,and she says "hold on a sec- hello? hellow? hi! hey, how are you! really? good! who? is his name enrique?" at this point i hang up. when i get home my landline rings, and i let the machine get it. it's her, and she says, "hey, caitlin, i'm sorry just as i was leaving monica called, then when i went back to your call, you were gone, i don't know if you hung up on me, i hope not, but anyway, what were you saying? i tried to call your cell phone but all circuts were busy. call me back" she does this for me. there is nothing in her nature that automatically makes plans or explains what happened. it's only because she's used to dealing with my warped idea of friendship that she makes plans, love letters, excuses. maybe we can never be friends. maybe it's all sorts of unresolved sexual tention that makes me be the way i am.but it's just the first frustration of the school year. it wouldn't be her return without one. this is how it always happens, i'll just have to get accutomed to it, and it will be fine. it may even all be fine in the morning. i'm falling asleep writng this. got 6 fillings at the dentist yesterday, and so didn't sleep much last night.

letter to gabrielle...

i think i'm going crazy. of course, it's just a figment. if i really was, i wouldn't notice, it would all seem perfectly sane. what the fuck is wrong with me? its another popular theme in my life, thinking my tenuous grip on reality is an unshakable foundation. and then being shaken. and taking it back, wishing i hadn't taunted fate by wishing for a test, wishing i could be stable in whatever again. i'm too tired for new answers. i'd just like my old ones to work. ruth says. "perhaps you are just chosen to walk a unique path in life."
perhaps i'll give up interpersonal contact for awhile. i don't know if i can deal with it. it's too much.
can you see what's happening to me?
gone,
caitlin
ps. i called about the movie, asking you to mail it, but when i got home it was in my bag after all. sorry. i feel so guilty, listening to you tell me what happened, making plans, or seeing your notes. you bend yourself this way because i've asked you to, and i can't live up to it, can't even keep what i've got working for me, can't bend for you, can't stop wanting more›