15.9.04

toying with disaster

it's so sticky tonight i can't move. i'm lying on my back in my chair with my legs sprawled out all over the shit on my desk. it is perhaps not the most comfortable posistion to type in. drunk too much tonight. or maybe not enough. 48 hours ago i was on leah's front porch. i work fast., i guess. i invited gabrielle over to hear all my stories. i made her dinner and told her all the things i did in pa. well, not all of them. it felt like such gaping holes. like im so out of practice and going to slip up. i told her one of my fears was getting a crush on dana. and i almost started to name favourte book titles on rachel and erins shelves. why would i do that? i only had one drink. i feel like my subconcious is trying to booby trap me. so i'm like, better nip this in the bud. when g suggests getting together again sunday, i'm like, sure, lets go out and get drunk. joe leaves sat night, so she thinks this is a great idea. then i mention something about leah and dana, and g says, " yeah, that would be hard. i don't agree with their life style, but i could never do that to someone." and i sigh, and say, "how do you justify that?"

how do i describe the conversation that happened? how do i feel about it? certainly not ready to spill all on saturday, that's for sure. it's no longer assuming now. it's straight from her very lips that she disaproves of the sin of homosexuality. but still, she was more wishy washy when confronted with actual examples: trying to see both sides she could just discribe the (in my view) positive one. i got out my beloved helsnak's what the bible really says about homosexuality. and she said joe had a gay christian friend who lent it to him to read. she asked if she could borrow mine.

we'll see what happens sunday. i'd be playing it by ear anyway. i need a sign from god. it's too bad i'm not a believer.

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