letter to michi...

oh i don't know. i've been all over the place lately. i can't seem to learn anything in my relationship with gabrielle. it's just all one big internal eternal mess. if i'm not stressed about my mom, it's her, or everyone else leaving me... did i tell you i finished my moms dress this weekend? mailed it monday, it should have arrived today or tomorrow. i don't know. i think the human contact thing is too much for me. i may just turn my phone and my computer off for the next week. its all just too hard. mairee won't come with me to the wedding. she has orientation that weekend. it's like asking you to do something on february12, she said. whatever. she would never have told me if i hadn't been like, i need an answer now. did she think putting it off would make it less painful to hear, or easier to say? wuss. so now i have no date for my mother's wedding. she just recently realized that a few of her guests are vegetarians. don't think she has a solution yet. i need to make plans with amy. she's been blue and i've been blue and we do better bouncing off each other- it's bad when we're both unhappy at the sametime. now gabrielle. every time she comes over, she says either i can't stay long, joe's expecting me back, or he calls, and she leaves. once, she left because of roomates. but just once. she's living with him now. i'm so appalled. i mean, i'd hate him anyway, and i'd hate her boyfriend anyway, too, but them being so christian and pretentious. and like they're so holy they'd never sleep together not being married, and they would never want to "lead others astray" buy letting them know they live together... but she's paying rent on one apartment, and spending each and every night at his. and she's somehow ok with this in her own mind, because they're not having sex and it's not permanent (he's going to study in rome soon, and i assume she'll move out then) but yet, she's not telling her mom? i of course have no place to be so judgemental. i see her at least once a week, often twice. i came home from work today and there was a card taped to my door. the outside was printed "i love you." the inside was printed "it's as simple and as complicated as that." and she writes, "so this card made me think of you, of something you'd say. i just wanted to say thanks for letting me vent about my roomates, for letting me spend time with you in your peaceful, colorful apartment, and for painting my toenails and making me feel pretty. gabrielle" and we'd made plans (o! plans! how i love plans!) to watch a movie this evening, and so i went over there, and we did that. and we're just sitting talking, and i'm feeling the power, cause i'm in her house and now it's me that says it's time for me to go home. until her phone rings. it's him. she says, "well can you wait ten minutes? i'll be there in 10 minutes." this is the point where i do the emotional running away. my body was there for another 3 minutes after the rest of me had already left. i realize that i've left the movie there, and so i call her as i'm walking home. she answers, and i tell her. there's another ring in the backround,and she says "hold on a sec- hello? hellow? hi! hey, how are you! really? good! who? is his name enrique?" at this point i hang up. when i get home my landline rings, and i let the machine get it. it's her, and she says, "hey, caitlin, i'm sorry just as i was leaving monica called, then when i went back to your call, you were gone, i don't know if you hung up on me, i hope not, but anyway, what were you saying? i tried to call your cell phone but all circuts were busy. call me back" she does this for me. there is nothing in her nature that automatically makes plans or explains what happened. it's only because she's used to dealing with my warped idea of friendship that she makes plans, love letters, excuses. maybe we can never be friends. maybe it's all sorts of unresolved sexual tention that makes me be the way i am.but it's just the first frustration of the school year. it wouldn't be her return without one. this is how it always happens, i'll just have to get accutomed to it, and it will be fine. it may even all be fine in the morning. i'm falling asleep writng this. got 6 fillings at the dentist yesterday, and so didn't sleep much last night.