colder

stayed up way too damn late last night. so this morning i couldn' t open my eyes wide enough to put in my contacts. so the scarf around the face trick was null and void cause it fogged up the glasses. cold nose. cold, cold, cold. and the socks were warmer today but too bulky for my boots. spent alot of time with my shoes off in class today. it's crazy how we're all so subject to the weather. it's like, usally major events in your life effect just you, and the world carries on oblivious to your troubles. but the cold, it pervades everything, everyone lives with it. it's not like it's this big phenomenon we're experiencing. it's just a normal chicago winter. but everyone is reduced to a pile of woolens, no one wants skin to show, all are blown away in the wind. the universality of it amazes me, and how life carries on as normal. in pa, people stay in, school is canceled, there's lots of worrying, and grocery shoping in preparation going on. in chicago, we just deal with it. but we all gotta. i just watched smilla's sense of snow. haven't watched a movie since christmas. haven't watched a movie in america since the begining of december. it was great. creepy, cold, independent. julia ormond is totally hot. she melts greenland. she's so well adapted. it's just her and her parka and her backpack and her map. and she's gonna hike accross greenland. and solve the mystery to boot. i'm amazed. i understand the love of the cold, but to her, where greenland is freedom, it would be scary for me, all alone in such a huge open place. it's so big and white and natural. god is no respecter of persons. i'm better at the fitting into small spaces. i would be fine sneaking up and down the dumbwaiter. lock me up, it's fine. but the independence i understand. i feel the same independence as she does. living alone. it's so the only option for me, and that alone is so amazing to others. going out alone, being responsable, answerable to no one. i go to work, go to classes, go out for dinner, go to parties, go to bars. i do it all alone. i'm always riding the train by myself, late at night. or was when i had friends who lived here, and before i had papers to write. i hope i'm as cold to men as smilla is. i think i'm alot more afraid of men than she is. i wanna be that cocksure and rough. am making this autobiographical mix for jamie, trying to pair down one of my g collections so i can say something other than g. that's old news. and anyone can make a mix of love (or jinxed) songs. and as i was listening to it on pearl today i was realizing how important my independence is to me. how much it shapes the definition of who i am. that and this search for home. i wonder if i'm fooling myself, if i will ever be content enough with a space to call it home if i don't have a forever mate to share it with. isn't that the point of life? to find the forever mate for you? i try to convince myself that i am so strongly independent that a forever mate would be detrimental to my growth and development. but there is still a little voice (it sounds like my grandma) deep down inside me that is never convinced.