i would say those are the two prevailing emotions at this point. and nothing is playing so you know it must be bad. i worked in the costume shop today- they wanted to send me out shopping for my show, but i begged to clean the closet, saying i wasn't ready. will i ever be ready? will i ever do my research? will i ever feel prepared? was sure that they were gossiping meanly about how unprepared i was, but then tom came back and was nice and said he was leaving for the day and gave me some instruction, so i cheered up and made a plan, and i had this great blog planned out in my head while i was sorting the vests, and all was going fine, and i was so excited to get home and EAT something, and as i was checking my voice messages there was one from the stage manager, saying there was a meeting today. at 4. fuck it. not even enough time to go home. so i went to jewel to buy another frozen veggie pie to defrost. felt just like i was in school. the meeting. oh god. the actors were all there. the set designer had a fucking MODEL. with little chairs and crap. pages of research. swatches. i had a dress to show the director. even though i knew she wouldn't like it. i'm like, uh, sorry. uh. i'm going shopping thursday? the director's like, do you have the sketches you showed me last week? so i'm passing around my stupid pocket sketchbook with dogeared corners. so embarassing. after that, there was a reading! of the whole play! apparently this meeting is from 4-9! nice to know the day OF. (of course, i would have known sooner if i would have gone to the last one...) i left after the reading, before the discussion. i couldn't take it anymore. more fruitless discussion with the director about "fashionable slave attire." the dramaturg just told me to go out and rent queen. i wanted to escape so badly i was 1/2 way down the stairs when i realized i lost my hat. i just left it. no way was i going back in that room. if it was g's hat, i might have tried. but it wasn't worth it. i'm so rilled up. i hate it. i was telling allie the other day that i'm like mom, nothing scares me. but it's not true, this scares me. terrifys me. and i hate the way i react, have no respect at all for that part of myself, feel it's not even me, because i know acting that way is a bad idea, but i do it anyway. it's the whole running away thing. if i can, when i'm scared or overwhelmed or don't want to deal with things, i just run away. move to a different state, leave before the funeral, change majors, whatever. but if i can't run away, i try to anyway, ingoring the problem, hoping it will disapear, it's like a little kid who thinks they become invisible when they put their hands over their own eyes. i remember when i first came back to chicago and was staying with renee in that horrible situation and didn't have a job or a house and things were getting worse with her... and i tried to avoid contact, which is NOT a good thing to do with your landlord... and it's the exact feeling now. i can't do this, and everyone is counting on me, and i don't know what i'm doing and i don't know how i got into it and i don't think i can get out of it, and i don't think i can get it done on time to high quality standards, and i don't think i'm going to be able to live up to the $2500 they've given me to do extraordanary things with. i can't do extraordinary. at this point, just having things for everyone to wear will be enough for me. i can't think about it anymore tonight. i think it will just make it worse. but i must think about it. i can't avoid it put it off any longer. i must think about it tonight, research it tomorrow, and start shopping thursday. you don't even wanna hear how vday fits into all this. oh god. what have i gotten myself into?
on the bright side, if this is on a separate line, i've learned how to put in line breaks.
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