umm, don't look now...

... but a BOY just commented on my blog! his parents still think he might be gay (though they like his wife) so i suppose he'll be ok. i like to think i run an equal oppertunity blog.

bits and pieces

well, let's see, what have i been missing this past weekend? the snow has been disapearing. with my grandparents being farmers, i learned you talk alot about the weather in pennslvainia. here, people, i don't know. just deal with it. it's small talk. in pa, it'll rain after a big snow and wash it all away. it does't rain here too much in the wintertime. it's always humid and damp in pa, and here it's that way in the summer (though not quite as badly) but the winter is dry dry dry. it was crazy to me when i first moved here. i filled up a little bucket on th side of my radiator every night (ah radiators! how i miss them!!) and it was empty by morning. and i still woke up with a sore throught. some times it gets a bit warmer, in the high 30s, and the snow melts, then it freezes into ice again. but usally it just gets cold and dry and the wind blows and the snow just evaporates right into the air, without passing through the water stage at all. crazy.
i know i told you when mairee and dave were thinking about talking about getting engaged. we'll they're done thinking and talking and she's got a rock now. he's a nice guy, and there is nothing mairee has ever wanted more than getting married, so i hope this will be good for her. i don't like her walking around feeling like an uncomplete person. i really don't like that she thinks she needs a man to make her complete. but dave's a good guy to do it. she was a really good friend when she lived here. we've done an impressive job keeping in touch since she's left, although it's still not that much of a relationship. it's ok. i don't know. it's hard for me to connect too, since she's an important person in my life, but i can't come out to her. it's not my place to be spewing other people's deepest darkest secrets, i can only spew my own here. but let's just say she had a gay experience in her past which made her hate herself with such ferocity i can't imagine coming out of that without her hating me. christians can be funny. look at g. she voted republican.
i need to go to bed- i'm so tired. had to be to work at 7.45 this morning. ch has a new guy he's infatuated with. he's jack, and he works upstairs at the sears tower. when stacey was in town he first came into the flowershop to buy flowers for his soon to be ex, and charles practically shoved me out of the way to help him. stacey saw it and we laughed after he left. but now he's totally charles's new thing. he's really shy, doesn't talk much or make eye contact, and has a southern accent, i think it's creepy, but aparently he's straightforward and clear with charles. also, much to our surprise, he's into leather. ch gets a kick out of this. he says it's like a different kind of drag. they went to a leather "pagent" this weekend, to king mr leather chicago, who will eventually compete in mr. leather international in the spring. it's a crazy time in chicago. i hope to go out that weekend this year. g's run into them in the train with her parents, but i always seem to be cooped up in my apartment studying- there's nothing to go into the loop for. anyway, jack lives in the suburbs, and ch asked if i would open today because they were going to his house. have i mentioned before my feelings about being shafted for a new boyfriend? but he bought me lunch, so i guess i can't complain. he doesn't have internet access, though, so i'm going to anyway. i don't trust this jack character. we'll see how long it lasts.

forget me not (one of my favourites)- perceiving deeeper karmic bonds within relationships, ability to acknowledge spiritual destiny and intent of relationship
spinning- closer to fine by the indigo girls. just bought it on vinyl!

more characters

thanksgiving- justine allieklein
Originally uploaded by rainheads.

ok, so hopefully here is justine and allie cooking thanksgiving dinner. justine is on the left, my cousin who writes life according to prada. allie's on the right, my little sis who reads here, and occasionally comments.

how to charm me

this is a catagory on dooce and i like it.
be a new commenter on my blog! i'm up to 5 now- jamie, cecilia, and new for today:
justine, amy and kira!
thank you, thank you all!

tale of 2 shows

oh dear. jamie and cecila, i think you both have slightly romantic notions of what a costume designer does. i would love to do nothing but sew frilly costumes to exact specifications for the rest of my life. unfortunatly, that won't work with this particular show. it takes place in 2002, and the characters are two 60 year old undertakers in south carolina, one black, one white, and their wives and their grown children. not alot of frills. just alot of lapels. i think i'll be making about 2 of the costumes. almost everything is going to be bought. hence all the shopping. it's not very exctiting, but it's how it goes. jessie, another work aid in the costume shop, is desiging brecht's three penny opera which is 3 weeks after my show. everyone has all their shit together in her show, so she seems to always be in the same place as me, if not a few steps ahead. all of her actors were measured before mine, she started pulling costumes first, etc etc. she has enourmous victorian things in vibrant colors. much more costumey costumes (we have a section in the costume shop called that- ice capades and costumey costumes) it seems that everyone in her show is either a whore or a prostitute, and that's how she's sorting her costumes. it's very different from my half of the dressing room, where my undertaker's suits are hanging!

so talking about shopping-
g and i went down 53rd st yesterday, looking for stuff for my show. it was pretty unsuccessful. we did stop in mystique boutique, but it was all too fancy or expensive. i couldn't really get into it. it's saturday, i wanted to shop for myself. we stopped in the newly reopened hyde park records i always liked 2nd hand tunes better than the unorganized pounding dr. wax, and when it closed, i was sad. how was i to know how awesome it would be reopened? rock on! horray for small buisnesses! g and i totally went for it after that. we hit all of my feel good people caring new buisnesses. she borrowed joes car and we went up north. first to american apparel, which i think may become my new favourite clothing store. i'm going back to basics. i'll be spending more money than ragstock or h&m, but i'll feel good within my soul, and i will have the world's softest cotton aagainst my skin. it's time for me to get back to basics! solid color jersey knit whoo hoo! i bought a bright magenta long sleeved superlightweight tee, and a turqoise skirt with a ruffle at the bottom. they are bright and simple and cute. and then we went tolush, another store that's been haunting me lately. (amy gave me an american apparel catolog, then i read an article in the newspaper on it, and lush. then when i got to germany ruth had hair goo she gave me, and it was from lush uk.) g adored all the coloured bath bombs in lush the same way i coveted the jersey of american apparel. they were both beautiful stores that care passionately about what they do. all in all i spent too much money and came home content with my purchases and happy to live in a big city.

99 life goals

ok, i'm finally up for the typing! rather than putting them chronologically, as they were of course written (over the course of oh, 5 years) i'm gonna sort them by catagory. here we go:

musical:
1. learn to play the violin
2. learn to sing harmony
3. fingerpick on the guitar
4. play well tempered clavier (downsized to anna magdala's notebook)
5. learn to play the hammered dulcimer
6. learn to play the harp

travel and location:
7. live in NYC
8. visit meike in germany (completed)
9. visit india
10. take a train across the usa
11. live in london
12. buy a monthly transportation pass (completed)
13. be european
14. work in a blumenladen in germany
15. give tours of chicago in german
16. swim in every ocean
17. visit morrocco
18. live in many studios at once around the world

communication and interpersonal relationships:
19. speak german fluently
20. forgive
21. speak spanish fluently
22. explain myself
23. not be bored
24. be eloquent
25. understand metric
26. tell good stories
27. small talk
28. be hospitable
29. say goodbye well
30. not be disgusted ever
31. be a good conversationalist
32. be a excellent listener
33. be unshockable
34. speak with accents and dialects
35. conspire
36. build community
37. be notoriously truthful
38. notice things

dexterous talents:
39. learn to tat
40. spin on a spinning wheel (completed)
41. knit a sweater (completed)
42. fix toilets
43. learn all about vacuum cleaners
44. know how a car works and how to fix it
45. learn to jugle (revised to learn to walk on stilts, completed!)
46. learn to mix drinks, all of them, well

physical fitness:
47. join or instruct a winter color guard
48. learn karate
49. learn to ski
50. learn to skateboard
51. be very strong
52. learn to ice skate (completed)
53. be very flexible
54. rollerskate backwards
55. learn to ballroom dance
56. learn to unicycle
57. learn to fence
58. dance unabashedly
59. cry when i feel like it

wilderness and nature:
60. take long bike trips
61. see the midnight sun
62. see the northern lights
63. learn to survive in the wild
64. see a falling star (completed)
65. plan plant and nurture a garden
66. recycle and compost

artistic and personal style:
67. go to art school (working on it)
68. become plain
69. become an artist (completed)
70. get body piercings (completed)
71. sew an art quilt
72. shave my head (completed)
73. paint a big mural
74. be an awesome old woman
75. grow dreadlocks (completed)
76. paint the sky
77. be really kissed
78.live simply
79. costume a feature film
80. appreciate beauty
81. not be a chameleon
82. fall passionately in love with someone who loves me back
83. surround myself with color

books:
84. read every madeline l'engle
85. read every shakespeare
86. read every newberry winner
87. write and illustrate a full length story
88. be familiar with library of congress catologing
89. read lord of the rings trilogy (completed)

giving, money and karma:
90. donate hair to cancer people
91. support myself (completed)
92. get a real job (completed)
93. live within my means
94. be content
95. be extremely generous
96. own a house or other dwelling

etc:
97. homeschool my kids
98. become a light packer (completed)
99. use calculus in real life

umm, well...

what sort of post am i supposed to put here at the top now? i've got a little list of things i was gonna post about, sometime, but i'm a bit overwhelmed. the worst part is, i may be having visitors, and i'm so nervous about it rather than cleaning up i've been running around in circles in my house shoes and bathrobe. i did change the comment box color to an easier color to read. blue, too. so jamie and cecila, you get to vote (a, you can too if you want) what do you think? is blue better than purple? will people comment if the comments are easier to read, if the haloscan window coordinates with the blog proper? i should be getting my site ready for guests, typing up my 100 life goals, an about me post. for the rest of you confused folk, my lurking real life friends, HAVEN'T YOU HEARD WHAT'S HAPPENED TO ME?!? i've been linked to! jamie's put my little blue world as her post of the day. she said my blog has an honesty she hopes to obtain, and i share uncomprimisingly, and i'm relatable. there are three links to MY BLOG! i've seen this happen before to other people, as i commented to her, but i never imagined it would ever happen to me. look at all the comments she gets. she's on 6 other blogrolls. according to my counter, i've got 2 hits from jamie's page already.
so now i feel like i have to pass it on. of course i encourage you all to go to jamie's lovely blog but i should really pass on the favor to someone else. blog it forward, i saw someone calling the trend. well, since i know i'm not going to generate a huge flow of interested commenters like michele does, i don't feel compelled to send you to someone who i think is dying for new readers or someone who will be eternally greatful to me as i am to jamie. so instead i'm going to send you to an amazing blog i just found though a link of a link on blogexplosion. it's so new i haven't yet added it to my blogroll, but i think someday soon i will. it's bagdad burning i think her discription says it all. a girl blog from iraq... lets talk war, politics and occupation. can you imagine trying to live in war? i can't. and then blogging through it? when you only have 4 hours of electric a day and the water's been shut off?? it reminds me of reading lolita in tehran. it's a crazy feeling, because it makes me so greatful to live in america, where life is so nice, but simultaniously so angry, so upset, about the mess we're making in her country. it was a lovely surprise with all the rightwingers i've been getting in blogexplosion lately. ok, i think that's enough. i will be able to return to regular blogging now.

oh and about the old comments

they're still there. if you click on an entry in particular, or in the archives, all the old comments will be displayed. see, i still love you all. now if i could just learn how to use trackback....

who is jamie?

i'm currently spending all of my free time online. i can't make friends in the real world, but seem to be doing an ok job of it here. but it's strange to me, the cyber-relationship. i would never post my last name or address on my blog, i know about online identities. i feel nervous enough saying i work at the flowershop in the sears tower. and there are people out there who won't even say where they live, or what their lover's name is. and i go to school, and people tell me that's a great way to make friends. and sure i have friends while i'm there, but they don't seem to stick after graduating. even the ones i try with. certainly not the ones i don't try with. and then here, i'm making friends by reading their diaries, which seems a very intimate way to make friends. but for instance, when jamie said she'd mail me the katell cd- when i got it, it was the first actual contact i'd had with her, for all we've been reading each other's blogs. it wasn't even that much information, mostly what her handwriting looked like. but then there's the immediacy of blogging, too. meike wanted to know how much time she'd spent in the us. i had no idea, i assume she's come here as her english is so good. but meike said she didn't have german handwriting. i thought of what i knew about jamie's past, and had very little idea. what was her childhood like? where has she traveled? how did she meet pi? and then there's me- when i was burning cds for her in exchange, i came across the fire mix. those who met me after april don't know about the fire, my hunt for a cute microwave. i haven't told the story of running from a burning building, of coming back to a black sodden apartment ever here. if you come over to my apartment now, there are things that spur these stories. but when it's just whatever i'm thinking of, it tends to be much more current, no history. and then when i was in germany, i was sending out these emails and it was so complicated! i sent out the full version to the blog. cut out the g stuff and sent it to g and my mom. cut out the lesbian stuff and sent it to my dad and mairee. cut out the drinking and swearing and sent it to my aunt. these people all know so much of my history and my daily life, know what i look like and what my appartment sounds like. but they're missing such big parts of my interior world. which is all the blog readers know. and who are my blog readers? looking at the comments, i only have proof that those who don't know me read it, even though it was originally intended just to inform those who do know me but live far away. they tell me they're reading, but it's the other bloggers who comment. and i don't know personally, except for justine, anyone else who blogs. it's an interesting dichotomy.

cosmos- integration of thinking and speech, conveyiing higher thought in an articulate manner
spinning- phoebe snow, poetry man

sehnsucht

so, all that post about longing, and i forgot this: so i'm drinking the longing tea, and reading my favourite book in the world, the blue sword by robin mckinley. and there's this long passage that so well discribes my feelings for germany (although i'm not blessed with the gifts harry is) that i'm going to type the whole thing up for you:
"she was homesick in unexpected spasms so strong that Red Wind, who was a faithful old plug by Hill standards and could be trusted to children and idiots, would feel her freeze on his back, and toss his head uncomfortably and prance. She had not wept herself to sleep since the first night in the king's tent and she thought, carefully, rationally, that it was hard to say exactly what she was homesick for: the Homeland seemed long past, and she did not miss her months at the Residency in Istan. She recalled the faces of Sir Charles and Lady Amelia with a pang, and she missed her brother anxiously, and worried about what he must thing about his lost sister. She found she also missed the wise patient understanding of Jack Dedham; but she thought of him with a strange sort of peacefulness, as if his feeling for his adopted country would trancend the seeming impossibility of what had happened to her, and he would know that she was well. That sickness of dislocation came to her most often when she was most at ease in the strange adventure she was living. She might be staring at the line of Hills before them, closer every day, watching how sharply the edges of them struck into the sky; Red Wind at Fireheart's heels, the desert wind brushing her cheek and the sun on her shoulders and hooded head; and suddendly she would be gasping with the thing she called homesickness. It would strike her as she sat at the king's table, cross-legged, eating her favorite cheese, sweet and brown and crumbly, listening wistfully to the conversation she still could not understand, beyond the occasional word or phrase.
"I'm missing what i don't have, she though late one night, squirming on her cushions. It's nothing to do with what i should be homesick for-- Jack would understand, the oldest colonel still active, looking across the desert at the Hills. It's that I don't belong here. It doesn't matter that i'm getting burned as dark as they are, that I can sit on a horse all day and not complain. It doesn't matter even that their Water of Sight works in me as it does in only a few of their own. It is only astonishing that it would work in one not of the Hills; it does not make that one any more one of the Hills than she was before.
"There was a certain bitter humorr to lying awake wishing for something one cannot have, after lying awake not so long ago wishing for the opposite thing that one had just lost. Not a very useful sort of adaptability, this, she thought. But, her thought added dispairingly, what kind of adaptability-- or genius-- would be useful to me?"

tea

had such a nice tea time last night, curled in my bed with my hotwater bottle and my favourite book, which i'm rereading AGAIN. i ate my last piece of liebkuchen. there are still zimtsterne left. i have a crazy amount of teas, because i always thought it was better to have lots of little bits of different kinds, rather than alot of a few kinds. but i've been thinking this is getting out of hand as of late. g hasn't helped, each time she gets tea she gives me little plastic wrapped balls of all her new flavors. when i came back from germany i was being german and drinking it in the morning (i'm now back to my 1/2 can of coke, it's sick and not really matching my lifestyle, i know, but i need the caffene, and more so the carbonation, to get me awake these days) and so i could use up her little bits of black and green. so now it's all contained, in boxes or tins or separate bags. the only baggie i have left is the jasmine pearl. it's the low grade (i think i drank my last precious high grade pearls by accident thinking they were gunpowder green) and i don't know what i'm saving it for. i should at least drink up the yerba mate and then i can put them in a tin. anyway, i've got a collection of single bags, from a variety of sources. i've been saving the teabags ruth sent me for winter last year, but tea doesn't last forever, and she's given me more tea for both my birthday and christmas. so i ended up drinking the last one of hers last night. and i thought it was seeleruhe, i had the feeling from the german word it was for comfort or calming, some kind of peace for your soul. but what it really said was momente der sehnsucht, so i looked it up to see what i was supposed to be searching for, and it means longing or yearning. unfortunatly this was after i'd already poured water over it, cause i'm odly content right now. i've spent alot of time longing for germans and germany. it would have been perfect at sometime to eat one of my ritter sports (i'm a terrible chocolate hoarder) and drink my sehnsucht tee by candlight and look through my scrapbooks and cry and email ruth. but all that to say it tasted good and is gone now, but i have orange sußholtz and erdberee sahne rooibus to replace it. i packaged up alot of stuff last night, and took it to the post office today, so everyone watch your mailboxes! everyone but justine, that is. you know i'll never mail you anything again. amy texted me this morning, about forgetting about her impatiens. and i decided i didn't talk nearly enough about here. so instead of mood in that little last line i want to add like everyone else now that i've discovered how to put in line breaks ;-) i'm gonna put a bach's flower remedy and indication.

impatiens- taking time to experience the joy of life; to experience life at an enjoyable pace.
spinning- eurhythmics, i love to (listen to)

shopping

i spent more money today than i ever have before in a 5 hour period. well, when i got my appartment i had to pay first and last month's rent and security deposit. that was more. but not by much. Elijah talks about nathan in his "sharp armani suit" so i had to find a "sharp armani suit." appropriate for an undertakers son. to be worn in south carolina. in the summer. by the time i'd returned to the costume shop with all my purchases from ragstock, lane bryant, t j maxx and filene's basement everyone had left already and i couldn't find out if anyone else thinks it's sharp. i talked for about 1/2 an hour before with tom, and that made me feel oh so good. doing the research online last night helped me solidify my questions. so between doing the research, asking tom the questions, and shopping today, i feel very confident. we will see how that plays out tuesday afternoon when i start showing people what i got for my money.... i know frances will have lots of problems with them all. fuck it. good enough and complete is what i'm going for. i feel like there's one perfect answer for each of the costumes, like it's a math problem. and everyone (tom, patty, frances, the director) has a few examples, and i have to figure out the one they all have in common, and where to find it. i need to let good enough be ok, and to trust my creative costume design skills, saying that my idea is good enough, and i don't need to find your idea. that this is close enough to modern, to professional, to summer wear, to fitting. glad to get that off my chest. back to your regularly scheduled programming.

the things you have to do to graduate

ok, so i'm getting my bfa in costume design, right? and instead of writing a thesis i have to do 3 practicums. i'm working on my second right now, designing a main stage show. sweet water taste by Gloria Bond Clunie, the ted ward prize winner for this year. (this is what has been making me so terrified of late.) so i'm doing research. lots of people do research online for their final projects. ruth right now is trying to find all sorts of information about grain production in the EU. but how many people's research takes them here, i wonder?

about sex

wish i had catagories. i could make "about sex" a category. perhaps i don't type about it as much as i think. anyway,
spinning: nils lofgren, back it up baby, 1977
makes me think about a's conversation with me, where she stumped me, and i didn't get a chance to justify myself, i felt. see, we were talking about others having sex, namely the way mairee and dave won't till they get married (why i say they want to get married so quickly) and ch doing so with just about everyone he meets on the bus. we were talking about our crazy baptist heritage, and i was making jokes about being a lesbian who is saving it for my future partner, and we won't have sex till after the committment ceremony... it just sounds rediculous. (a thinks lesbian and xian are mutually exclusive. i'm not convinced, though it's seemed to be one or the other in my life.) then i was getting a bit cocky and saying i think i still believe in monagamy, and though i won't say never, can't imagine an open relationship working for me.. and she's like, would you call the relationship with the person you've slept with an open relationship? and i'm like, oh. yeah. i forgot, i've slept with someone. a straight someone i'm not in love with. so i guess that ruins part of that.
but now i've been thinking about it all day, and i say that if i'm sleeping with someone cause i'm in love with them, i don't want to be sleeping with anyone else, and i certainly don't want them to be sleeping with anyone else. but i'm not all about saving myself for a future mate. my virginity is not some perfect gift i give to my husband. please. i mean, really, if you would ask me who i would be willing to have sex with these days, i'd probably say whoever wanted to. again, it would depend on the situation, i guess if i was really asked that seriously, or about a specific person, perhaps i'd change my answer. i've given up saying i'll always feel this way or this is always true about me, especially in situations i've never experienced. the nils lofgren song came on pearl as i was coming home, and it seemed appropriate. " i found out, love just ain't enough. i need devotion to back it up (back it up baby, back it up)" i think this is how i'd feel. if i was in a relationship. which i'm not. so a, does that answer your question?
p. s. to allie- tried to keep this gender neutral just for you! though to be honest, my views keep getting narrower....

self disgust and panic

i would say those are the two prevailing emotions at this point. and nothing is playing so you know it must be bad. i worked in the costume shop today- they wanted to send me out shopping for my show, but i begged to clean the closet, saying i wasn't ready. will i ever be ready? will i ever do my research? will i ever feel prepared? was sure that they were gossiping meanly about how unprepared i was, but then tom came back and was nice and said he was leaving for the day and gave me some instruction, so i cheered up and made a plan, and i had this great blog planned out in my head while i was sorting the vests, and all was going fine, and i was so excited to get home and EAT something, and as i was checking my voice messages there was one from the stage manager, saying there was a meeting today. at 4. fuck it. not even enough time to go home. so i went to jewel to buy another frozen veggie pie to defrost. felt just like i was in school. the meeting. oh god. the actors were all there. the set designer had a fucking MODEL. with little chairs and crap. pages of research. swatches. i had a dress to show the director. even though i knew she wouldn't like it. i'm like, uh, sorry. uh. i'm going shopping thursday? the director's like, do you have the sketches you showed me last week? so i'm passing around my stupid pocket sketchbook with dogeared corners. so embarassing. after that, there was a reading! of the whole play! apparently this meeting is from 4-9! nice to know the day OF. (of course, i would have known sooner if i would have gone to the last one...) i left after the reading, before the discussion. i couldn't take it anymore. more fruitless discussion with the director about "fashionable slave attire." the dramaturg just told me to go out and rent queen. i wanted to escape so badly i was 1/2 way down the stairs when i realized i lost my hat. i just left it. no way was i going back in that room. if it was g's hat, i might have tried. but it wasn't worth it. i'm so rilled up. i hate it. i was telling allie the other day that i'm like mom, nothing scares me. but it's not true, this scares me. terrifys me. and i hate the way i react, have no respect at all for that part of myself, feel it's not even me, because i know acting that way is a bad idea, but i do it anyway. it's the whole running away thing. if i can, when i'm scared or overwhelmed or don't want to deal with things, i just run away. move to a different state, leave before the funeral, change majors, whatever. but if i can't run away, i try to anyway, ingoring the problem, hoping it will disapear, it's like a little kid who thinks they become invisible when they put their hands over their own eyes. i remember when i first came back to chicago and was staying with renee in that horrible situation and didn't have a job or a house and things were getting worse with her... and i tried to avoid contact, which is NOT a good thing to do with your landlord... and it's the exact feeling now. i can't do this, and everyone is counting on me, and i don't know what i'm doing and i don't know how i got into it and i don't think i can get out of it, and i don't think i can get it done on time to high quality standards, and i don't think i'm going to be able to live up to the $2500 they've given me to do extraordanary things with. i can't do extraordinary. at this point, just having things for everyone to wear will be enough for me. i can't think about it anymore tonight. i think it will just make it worse. but i must think about it. i can't avoid it put it off any longer. i must think about it tonight, research it tomorrow, and start shopping thursday. you don't even wanna hear how vday fits into all this. oh god. what have i gotten myself into?
on the bright side, if this is on a separate line, i've learned how to put in line breaks.

wasting more time online

ok, so. because i want my blog to be at least as cool as jamie's in every way, i'm trying to get haloscan comments. every day a new little feature to make it easier and more pleasureable to comment. don't you want to?

haloscan

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog. unfortunately, i can't figure out how to get the old comments back. working on this. don't think i'll figure it out, though.

ear orgasm

oh. my. god. i've been out of q-tips for weeks, and finally bought some today. i had totally forgotten how amazing it feels to clean one's ears. nirvana.

a link? maybe? is that asking too much?

so, blogger says i can include links. does it work? can i tell you to go to over the rhine's website and have it work? i guess we'll see!

from bush's second inaugural address

"from the day of our founding, we have proclaimed that every man and woman on this earth has rights, and dignity, and matchless value, because they bear the image of the maker of heaven and earth." do you really believe that, mr. president? i am glad to hear it. i worry sometimes, mr. president, when i hear you talk about evil people, when i read your angry sounding words against osama bin laden or sadam Hussein. i don't understand, if we as a country believe in the intrinsic value of every life, how you put so many prisoners to death when you were in charge of texas. i don't understand why we are the only developed country, in fact the only country besides Somalia, i believe, who won't sign the Children's Bill of Rights. "Freedom, by its nature, must be chosen, and defended by citizens, and sustained by the rule of law and the protection of minorities. and when the soul of a nation finally speaks, the institutions that arise may reflect customs and traditions very different from our own. America will not impose our own style of government on the unwilling. Our goal instead is to help others find their own voice, attain their own freedom, and make their own way." mr. president, i am so glad to hear you say this. so many other presidents have tried to push our form of government on any little country that came along, because we have the only right form of government, and the rest of the world should be like us. i hope you hold these ideals up for our own country as well. with only a little more than half of our citizens voting, we don't seem to care much about being active in our freedom. i'm not sure how protection of minorities works, but i know the bulk of the minorities who work in the sears tower are assistants to white males. yes, there are white males on the cleaning staff, however they are all eastern European immigrants. "we will persistently clarify the choice between oppression, which is always wrong, and freedom, which is eternally right. America will not pretend that jailed dissidents prefer their chains, or that women welcome humiliation and servitude, or that any human being aspires to live at the mercy of bullies." i am so glad you want to keep our country bully-free, mr. president. i am so glad that our military will not be bullying prisoners anymore. i am glad to hear the jailed dissidents in guantanamo bay will have fair trials. i am glad to hear that megacorparations will not be running the country, that monopolies will be addressed, and that individuals' voices will be heard. you are speaking about our country, aren't you mr. president? i hope this message is not just for women in burquas! "And all the allies of the United States can know: we honor your friendship, we rely on your counsel, and we depend on your help." mr. president, are you talking to just the 2 countries left who support us in iraq? or do you have a bigger vision of our allies? i am so glad to hear that communication is important to us as a country. sometimes i feel like we just stomp all over the world without taking into consideration anything any other country says or feels. i am glad to know that friendship and counsel of other countries is important to us, that we acknowledge our dependence on others. this is not the american way, to say we need help, and are not independent. to be honest, mr. president, i don't see this one really happening. but i'll be keeping my eyes peeled while reading the newspaper, because i really want it to. "In america's ideals of freedom, citizens find the dignity and security of economic independence, instead of laboring on the edge of subsistence." i am so glad you are going to stop people from laboring on the edge of subsistence, mr. president! does this mean that you will raise the minimum wage to more than $5.15 an hour? that a single mother will be able to earn enough working full time to pay for a 2 bedroom apartment for her family? does this mean that there will be housing for all in chicago, that you will make sure there is a place for all the people who have moved out of the projects that are being knocked down, with the new housing not yet built? will higher education be available to anyone intelligent enough, not just whoever can afford it? mr. president, if this is one of your goals for the next four years, i give you great hope. "Americans move forward in every generation by reaffirming all that is good and true that came before ideals of justice and conduct that are the same yesterday, today, and forever." i must admit, mr. president, that i don't understand this statement very well. i'm not convinced that ideals of justice and conduct are always the same. i certainly don't think our past is full of good and true things. i hope you mean we should just reaffirm the things that were good and true. i'm glad that you want to find ideals of justice and conduct that hold up, though. i hope you don't think ideals of justice and conduct are the same for every person, culture and religion. "Americans, at our best, value the life we see in one another and must always remember that even the unwanted have worth. And our country must abandon all the habits of racism because we cannot carry the message of freedom and the baggage of bigotry at the same time." you know, mr. president, i could talk to you more about the poor here, but i think, as my last quote, i'm going to tell you how this makes me feel personally. you can't possibly know how relieved this makes me feel, mr. president, because as a lesbian i get pretty nervous when i hear you talking about the sanctity of marriage and the need for an amendment to the constitution. i'm glad to live in chicago, mr. president, because in this country there are places where it is illegal for me to make love, and where it is legal for me to be turned out of an apartment, or fired from my job, because of my lover. i'm sure you know, mr. president, that homosexuals can't donate blood, and there are places where children are put in foster care rather than be adopted by people like me. i would say in this country there are lots of citizens who are not at their best. i think that racism is a habit we definitely need to abandon, but there are a few other isms we need to work on too. maybe i'm being a pessimist, mr. president, but when you said at the end of your speech, "when the declaration of independence was first read in public, and the Liberty Bell was sounded in celebration, a witness said, 'it rang as if it meant something.' in our time it means something still. America, in this young country, proclaims liberty throughout all the world and to all the inhabitants thereof," it made me a bit nervous. because the story i remember about the liberty bell was that it cracked when it rang, and was never rung again. i think this illustration does not bode well for our future. but you said some nice things, mr. president, and i hope the next four years show us that you really do stand by what you say.

what i'm trying to say is, what i'm trying to say...

spinning: italian shoes by patty griffith
mood: cheerfully tipsy.

it's late. i tried to go out shopping, but it was dark and in the middle of a blizzard. so i just went to ch's instead. perhaps i'll go shopping tomorrow. it was crazy out, me all bundled up, great big foggy blasts of snow blowing all over. i had to wait like 1/2 an hour for the bus. i said i'd listen to 2 more songs on pearl and if there wasn't a bus i was just going back home. but the 2nd one was christopher columbus by the nields, and it's short, so i let myself have one more, and then the bus came. lake shore drive was closed, i was completely disoriented on the bus. the windows were so foggy and snowy you couldn't see anything, and we kept turning right then left... it was a wild adventure. the el pulled into the subway and the front was plastered with snow, with little icicles hanging down the front of it like a mustache. by the time i got up to ch's stop, it had stopped snowing. the walk was nice, instead of torturous. not windy or snowy, and not really cold, the 20s i'd guess. nicely shoveled walks. i love snow. that's why i live here. it had gotten rather high, there are these houses with little patches of grass between the sidewalk and the street, with chains around them to keep dogs and children off, and the snow came all the way up to the tops of the chains. i think we got the 12-18 inches predicted. had a really lovely time with ch. this is how life should be in chicago. this is what i expect to do with friends on the weekend. this is what i want my life to look like. i just want more variety. ch and others. maybe even others who don't live quite so far away (it's better than the s'west side, though!) we just hung out, chatted, listened to music, drank, watched music videos. not like vh1, like boxes of vhs under his bed. joni's come in from the cold. frente!'s bizzare love triangle. she's SO cute! also have a crush on the murmurs. and shakespeares sisters. and the winner of the night, katell's franklin! she got on that train! i've never seen a clear picture of her. it was fun to see her sing! and hit those high notes at the end on the beach! i love franklin. "i am tired of all my money disapearing up your nose... being spent on your slick clothes" left WAY too late (don't you hate, when you look at the clock at 10.30 and say one more video and one more drink, then i'm leaving and the next time you look at the clock it's 12.30?) and was worried. i'm kind of upset about this. why am i suddenly afraid to walk after dark anymore? this is my city. i'm not afraid to go anywhere. i think pearl makes me feel less aware. i just kept remembering ch saying the el stop was kinda shady. but once i was on the train i felt fine, and i didn't have any problems of course. anyway, all was fine, and i imerged from the subway downtown at 1.01 according to the clock on marshal field's. the sign said the #6 runs till 1. i felt certain the last one left wacker at 1.15 or so... at 1.04 the #6 pulls up! horray! i asked the driver, he said he's the last one. i just made it! i am so glad i didn't have to take the train, wait in the middle of the dan ryan. it started to snow again on my commute home. this is the lake effect from the storm that passed by earlier, i guess. we'll see what the world looks like in the morning.

there is no such thing as a comment that is too long

oh man, i tried to comment on jamie's comment and it wouldn't let me. that totally sucks. i'm sure you're all trying to post comments, and they're not getting through. please email, aim, or something if it's really not working. keep trying. i want to know! although it may be against appearances, i need encouragement for my poor unstable ego. a's actually been commenting alot on the intimidation factor, which is always a complement, but does work against you. she says when she looks at pictures of us, she is overwhelmed by how cool i am and doesn't know how she got to be friends with someone as cool as i look. i guess i wasn't cool 10 years ago when we became friends, and have accidentally grown cool since then. i would just like to reiderate jamie's comment- most the cool people out there are actually sad and lonely, so all you intimidated people, suck it up and try and make friends, cause they will love you! i was intimidated with g's adorableness, but tried to make friends with her anyway, and look how that turned out! well, perhaps that's a bad example...

where are these people?

it seems like everyone feels this way. a, jamie, justine. why then do they only exist on the internet? why can't i find and connect with these people in real life? i'm sure there was someone else even at that party who went home and blogged about how out of it they felt and how uncomfortable, and there was this fabulous looking girl there who made them feel frumpy and unsocialable and why can't they be more like her? if only they found my blog! jamie, thank you so much for your specific examples. it makes it seem more believable that others feel just this way- this way being in part, "no one else feels this way i am so alone what a looser." it's still snowing here. it's continued to snow through my last 3 blog entries. i wonder how deep it is- looks about a foot from 8 stories up, but i'll have to go out. i said my first day of freedom i was gonna go ice skating, but i bet the rink is closed with all the snow. so instead i think i'll go shopping, a little cash therapy, get my ear pierced, maybe. ch thinks i'm crazy for going out in the snow storm. i think it's exciting. we'll see. if my feet freeze before i get to the bus stop, then i'm gonna come right back home. and i have to pay my bills first. we'll see if i get out of the house at all.

but i looked absolutely fabulous, so that has to count for something, don't you think? doesn't it?

a, darling, thank you so much for your comment. i'm dying for comments here. god i need friends. the digital ones are nice, the german ones are nice, but i need some friends in this fucking city. i can't remember if i typed it or if i just thought it earlier. when i was posting that i was going to g's party. i was thinking, "i'm gonna wear THE red skirt and i bet it will be totally lame and i'll come back all depressed." i immediately repressed that thought, cause i was feeling like meeting people, and was planning on looking hot and all. was gonna put on my eyelashes, but decided they aren't worth it. i wore my fave tiny black tshirt with THE red skirt, black boa, red loopy sweater (bird or polar bear, you decide) and my locks are still waxed, so i tied them up on the very top of my head with a bandana, and thy stood straight up and spilled down my face. really red lipstick, mascara, etc. do you even want to hear what i'm wearing? god, how lame am i. i should be a good blogger, i have a whole list of comments on the inaurgaral address. i just can't get into it. why are friday nights so hard for me? i was so excited to be going out and not desolving into a funk. fuck that. i desolved into a funk anyway. i hate going to parties where i don't know anyone and everyone else does. it's worse if they are all u of c students. it's worse if your host comes 5 minutes after you get there, and you feel compelled to follow her around because she's the only person you know. it's worse if you hate her annoying pretentious fucking MASCULINE boyfriend. it's worse if you're wearing your tall boots cause they make you 2 inches taller to keep your skirt from dragging in the snow (HA!) and that makes you just enough taller than your host, who you happen to be crushing on, (who you have recently been proud to be more annoyed with than infatuated with) that you can see her boobs bursting out of her slinky vneck shirt, and you can see hints of her red bra every time she moves. and it's worse if he's allowed to touch her, and does so profusely. and it's worse if when most of the guests leave they start drinking and it's fucking HIGHBALLS and fucking nasty WHISKEY is all they have. what makes joe such a poser that he buys old grandad whiskey cause he thinks the party needs alchohol? poser's the wrong word, it's not really pretention, i don't know. i couldn't get in a dyad. i don't know how to feel involved with people i don't know (esp. if they don't know me, esp. if they know each other) if i can't have a one on one conversation. i started with a nice guy, but g came. and that's when i started following her around (but then not too close cause joe got there.) liz was supposed to show up, so i was gonna stick around to see if she was as cute as they said she was, but it ultimately wasn't worth it. fuck them all. they don't care about me. i'm so kind to people who don't know my group. aren't i? i actively try to be, cause it messes me up so much when i feel dissed. they discribed adam as wallpaper, but god, they engaged him more than me. i don't wanna steamroll conversation. we don't have to just talk about me all the time. but give me an opening, something. fuck. is it my problem or is it theirs? if it's mine, how can i fix it? if it's theirs, how can i find new friends who find me a glamourous, facinating, engaging person? what is it about friday nights that make me feel like this? i used the snow as an excuse-it's been coming down steady since 4 or so. i was so frozen walking over there, but i could bundle on the way home cause looking fabulous wasn't neccessary. i'm calming down, i was in such a funk when leaving. and the streets are so empty, and it's all so quiet, and you can hear the soft sound of it falling. the busses lumber by, but they're the only thing thats out, besides ocasional bunches of students. no one's shoveled tonight, so it's just a few footprints to walk in, about 5 inches deep so far. my boots did a great job keeping my feet warm and dry, i was really impressed. i really wanted to hop on a bus and go to stargaze, but it's so far from the train, it would take me an hour to get there. it would take me an hour to get to any bar that's not straight. i was thinking about walking to the falcon inn, but decided i wasn't that depressed yet. i've got good alchohol at home. i really wanted to walk to the lake, but i'm always afraid of getting mugged, and i had pearl with me. i decided to at least change, and once i got here i needed to vent, so here you are, and now that i'm home i don't really want to get undressed, redressed, and go out again. perhaps i'll take a bath. i spent alot of money at the apoteke buying kneipp badöl just like meikes (wildflower calming, right?) cause they only had these huge bottles. i should have bought it in germany. but i needed to go there anyway to get aloe and dill flower essences to get me costuming this show, hopefully. god, i can't even think about it. i'm such a looser. i'm going to bed. a, thanks again, so much. it was a great comment. comments are even better than emails. i love you. so much i really am gonna get you a christmas gift.

dessert party tonight

my keyboard keeps switching back to german every time i start up. don´t know why. anyway, long boring day of freedom today. i´m not going to do ANYTHING tomorrow. not even start thinking about my show. it´s gonna be lovely. g is having a party tonight. a dessert party, her and each of her roomates are inviting 7 friends. lots of straight people i don´t know. they better be friendly. or at least, there better be some good chocolate. here´s hoping.

the cast of characters

no, i don't have any recent pictures of me. sorry, my camera is too hard for others to use. however i do have pictures of lots of important people. Meike by her christmas tree:

a halfway decent one of the unphotogenic ruth and the handsome tobi:

and the moment you've all been waiting for, g! that's her on the left, on the right with the striped shirt and pot is her friend britney. see why i adore her so much? see why she makes most of the population pant? and that's not even that good of a photo- she's not very photogenic either.

heiße schokolade

mood- relieved
listening- katell, on yer way

i'm done with classes! all energy goes into the play! no more theater history, playreading, any of that crap is finished! for 3 weeks! to celebrate, i went to jewel. i bought organic milk, abuelita, godiva liquour and vanilla flavored vodka. and i came home, made enchiladas, and while they were baking invented my new drink. it's inspired by the vanilla flavored drink sugar g gave me for my birthday. you heat milk, pulverize an abuelita tablet (mexican hot chocolate) and mix them together with 2tsp each amaretto, vanilla flavored vodka and godiva chocolate liquour. put vanilla sugar on the rim of a cozy mug, then pour in the hot chocolate. yum! a great horray that classes are over!¶
while making dinner i called mairee, as it's her birthday. she's had a bad day, but it was still kinda strained and awkward. she's getting married. she and dave are "talking about getting engaged." she's planning on a wedding in june. it was all i could do to not blurt out my mom's famous line, you just wanna have sex. i don't get the christian saving yourself thing anymore. i wonder what it has to do with being a lesbian and what has to do with not being a christian? marriage in general is wierd. working at a flowershop i think about weddings more than the average bear.
¶ when i checked my mail, my photos have come! i paid the extra 99cents to get them digital, so i'm gonna try and post one here. don't get too excited. it's michi in front of the dom shopping in mainz. i hope.
¶also, i hear from jamie there's problems posting comments. please keep trying! i'm sure it will be working again soon! or feel free to email comments, as she did! there is a world of love awaiting you!

tireder and tireder

fuck. i'm so exhausted. i am so behind on what i'm supposed to do. i forgot about a meeting about color today after work. they're gonna fire me from this show. i'm so embarrassed. i've gotta do more work. i can't blog anymore.

colder

stayed up way too damn late last night. so this morning i couldn' t open my eyes wide enough to put in my contacts. so the scarf around the face trick was null and void cause it fogged up the glasses. cold nose. cold, cold, cold. and the socks were warmer today but too bulky for my boots. spent alot of time with my shoes off in class today. it's crazy how we're all so subject to the weather. it's like, usally major events in your life effect just you, and the world carries on oblivious to your troubles. but the cold, it pervades everything, everyone lives with it. it's not like it's this big phenomenon we're experiencing. it's just a normal chicago winter. but everyone is reduced to a pile of woolens, no one wants skin to show, all are blown away in the wind. the universality of it amazes me, and how life carries on as normal. in pa, people stay in, school is canceled, there's lots of worrying, and grocery shoping in preparation going on. in chicago, we just deal with it. but we all gotta. i just watched smilla's sense of snow. haven't watched a movie since christmas. haven't watched a movie in america since the begining of december. it was great. creepy, cold, independent. julia ormond is totally hot. she melts greenland. she's so well adapted. it's just her and her parka and her backpack and her map. and she's gonna hike accross greenland. and solve the mystery to boot. i'm amazed. i understand the love of the cold, but to her, where greenland is freedom, it would be scary for me, all alone in such a huge open place. it's so big and white and natural. god is no respecter of persons. i'm better at the fitting into small spaces. i would be fine sneaking up and down the dumbwaiter. lock me up, it's fine. but the independence i understand. i feel the same independence as she does. living alone. it's so the only option for me, and that alone is so amazing to others. going out alone, being responsable, answerable to no one. i go to work, go to classes, go out for dinner, go to parties, go to bars. i do it all alone. i'm always riding the train by myself, late at night. or was when i had friends who lived here, and before i had papers to write. i hope i'm as cold to men as smilla is. i think i'm alot more afraid of men than she is. i wanna be that cocksure and rough. am making this autobiographical mix for jamie, trying to pair down one of my g collections so i can say something other than g. that's old news. and anyone can make a mix of love (or jinxed) songs. and as i was listening to it on pearl today i was realizing how important my independence is to me. how much it shapes the definition of who i am. that and this search for home. i wonder if i'm fooling myself, if i will ever be content enough with a space to call it home if i don't have a forever mate to share it with. isn't that the point of life? to find the forever mate for you? i try to convince myself that i am so strongly independent that a forever mate would be detrimental to my growth and development. but there is still a little voice (it sounds like my grandma) deep down inside me that is never convinced.

100 life goals

i'm not doing that sort of typing tonight! you must be crazy!

50 ways to love me

1. wash my dishes
2. call just because
3. leave a long loving message
4. write me a love letter
5. stop by unexpectedly
6. do a load of laundry for me
7. give me a gift
8. give me a manicure
9. give me a pedicure
10. give me a hug
11. read me a story
12. tell me what you love about me or
13. why you love me
14. tell me why you were thinking of me or
15. what reminds you of me
16. surprise me at work
17. take me somewhere exciting
18. play with my hair
19. make me lunch
20. bake me cookies
21. ask me what i'm worrying about
22. ask me my advice
23. make me feel individual, heard, understood, interesting, useful or irreplacable
24. make yourself available
25. invade my lonely times
26. tuck me in one night
27. give me a backrub, footrub, shoulderrub
28. kidnap me
29. plant gossip (good!) that returns to me
30. offer your specific resources
31. tell me what you need
32. let me cry
33. make me herbal tea
34. make me a mix cd (or tape!)
35. send me a postcard
36. apologize
37. offer good advice
38. need me
39. tell me how or why you need me
40. draw me a picture
41. sing me a song
42. create a place for me
43. know my secrets
44. persue me
45. show me the shape of my place in your life
46. design me a tattoo
47. chop the onions
48. clean my refrigerator
49. recomend good books and movies
50. comment on my blog!

sticky hair

i still had a play to read, a paper to edit, and my notebook to reorganize. but i told g she could come over anyway. it was her braving the cold after all. (so i knew it would be cold when i left the house this morning. so i was wearing long underwear, flannel petticoat, jeans, tshirt, long sleeves, wool sweater, big hat, huge wool scarf, contact lenes so i can see with the scarf round my face, sheepskin mittens and my coat over it all. the first thing i think when i go outside- god my eyes are cold. how can your eyes be cold? i guess that's all the skin i have showing. second thought- should have worn thicker socks) not that i'm complaining. this is just life in chicago- always a weather adventure. where else is it 0 and dry as a bone in the winter and 90 and as humid as a rainforest in the summer? i always say if you can't stand the cold, move. quit your whining, live somewhere else. (this is to, say, whiny students, doesn't apply to homeless people, for instance.) i went out for lunch today, ch thought i was crazy. but i didn't go groceryshopping. tomorrow, hopefully. not that it's gonna get warmer or anything. Anyway. g came over and waxed my hair. i mentioned jamie (high july came on!), wonder how long it will go before she knows about my secret blogging life. i guess as the blog gets bigger and bigger. eats away hours of my life. i go into a 12 step program. etc. when is york gonna send my damn pictures back from germany? the german mix is made, kids! i just have to do liner notes. switched nimm ich mit and 99 luftballons around stupid american for the last time. the playlist is final. comment if you want a copy! g had four locks left and her boyfriend called. where are you? we gotta go to the movie! so she left me with 4 unwaxed locks. this is the power i hold over her. she runs away from me with 4 unwaxed locks. fuck it. her hair was so fucking sexy today. stacey's crazy. she was drinking my chakra #2 tea. if there was anything that would make her horny for me that would. she just bitched about her roommates all taking their slumlord to smallclaims court. sigh.

clueless

so i don't have a hundred things about me, a recent meme via jamie, but i do have a hundred life goals. and about 50 ways to love me. is it even worth posting them if i can't figure out how to get them in my sidebar?

done!

paper is finally finished!! i can't believe it! just needs to be proofread, i need to reorganize my fashion notebook and study for my 2 finals, but that's easy. and then the semester is over! not soon enough. i have meetings for sweet water taste that i'll be totally unprepared for on both wednesday and friday. sigh. no rest for the weary. and boy am i weary. i want a weekend. oh, wait i just had one. funny what writing papers does to you.

paper nightmare

went to bed on time last night, and when i woke up this morning i just started reeading... got all my research done by 5. thought it was time to start writing then, and got stuck. i'm just not into it. the research was too much for one day, i can't think about this any more. called mom, she's having a party, g (miss "call me if you need a studybreak") is going to a movie with joe and friends, amy called just to talk till her friends came over for the bonfire, ch is having farreed over to watch amalie, yet another date. thank you all for making me feel like there's nothing better to do on saturday nights. for being a part of a loving community. don't you all know you should be staying home bored and pitiful in a sort of solidarity with me? i've written almost 5 pages, though it took me 6 hours. i guess that's not so bad. it's been just an arduous process, though. i can't believe i'm gonna do it all day tomorrow, too, though. thank god i can stand my topic. the boring quote i posted on jamie's site was followed by lillian herman's famous quote, "i cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions, even though i long ago came to the conclusion that i was not a political person and could have no comfortable place in any political group." and to compare and contrast, just like my paper, here's a maria irene fornes quote which i like, it reminds me of anne lamott: "i have my own complex filing system. my notes, for instance, i file under "current notes." those are the notes i haven't sorted out yet. then i have social, personal and diagrams. under social i might find something like "the other day i saw the backside of st.patricks cathedral. i blushed and looked away." social are the things i find looking out into the world. under personal i might find something like "the saddest moment when i am alone is when i tie a package and no one puts his finger on the knot while i tie the bow." that is personal because it has to do with my feelings. diagrams are thoughts that need illustration."

Caitlincool

Caitlincool
Originally uploaded by rainheads.

sooo after all my hello complaining, apparently there's flickr, which will also post pics for me. still trying to work this out, but this appears to be me... a pic g took 2 years ago, when she still lived in the red walled dorms and i still had brushable hair.

red skirt story

what you've been waiting for! so in 2000, the first time i was in germany, i was shopping at h & m with meike. this is before there were any in the us, and it was a big exciting phenomenon. i had 3 skirts i loved. i was definately going to get the black cordaroy low rise one, but i just coudn't decide between this awesome red flamenco skirt that reminded me of a lobster and a sensible 80's ish plum colored mid calf thin waled cordaroy one. i would have gotten all three, but meike said i shouldn't, there wasn't enough room in my suitcase. she recomeneded the sensible one, she said i would wear it more, it would match more, the red one i could wear less places. i guess she was thinking of her wardrobe, not mine... i think it was one of the main regrets in my life, that i got the plum one instead of the red one. (when i told ch this story, he's like, you must have a pretty good life if that's the main regret you've got! which i guess is true) it's been 5 years, and i would still dream of the red skirt. the purple one hangs in my closet, rarely worn, it doesn't match much, it's to sensible, it's a funny length, and it doesn't have pockets. (a pox on skirt makers who never put in pockets! what are you thinking! this is perhaps one of the biggest signs that the oppression of women continues!!) now, when i'm in germany, i fill up my suitcase with food and gifts (jamie: what kind of american food do you like? instant oatmeal? frosting? hershey's? lemme know....) and just weear my friends clothees while i'm there. i love wearing a wide variety of clothes, and i love other people wearing mine, and my friends don't seem to mind (or perhaps their mouths are too full of chocolate to complain) so i get to ruth's house, and she gives me the wardrobe tour. the next morning when i try to decide what to wear, and i get nervous, cause there's a bunch of skirts there, and ruth never wears skirts. is she perhaps sharing her wardrobe with someone else or something? cause one of the skirts is THE RED SKIRT! yes, the skirt i turned down 5 years ago! even in the same size! (horray for h & m sizes being one of the few easy numbers to translate from german to american) i asked ruth when she got home that day, and she's like, oh, my sister gave it to me. ( i can totally imagine ruth's pierced dreadlocked sister wearing it. i can't imagine ruth. ever. even if she wore red. even if she wore skirts. even if she wore ruffles. perhaps if she got a personality and selfimage overhaul- but would she still be ruth then?) she warned me it was really small, but i wore it the next day, and it fit perfectly, as well as it did 5 years ago, and she let me keep it when i came back to the us. and so now my dreams are fulfilled. it was wonderful.

¶it's crazy to me, how many emails i wrote from germany, and there were still so many stories i forgot. ch missed so much stuff, having me tell it verbally all out of order instead of reading the mails. and even here, you never got the red skirt story. you never got a rundown of ruth's apartment like you did of meike's. (ruth's new place is very grown up. if you were around the last time i visited her in 2002, you probably remember me saying how bohemian her place was, what inspiration she was for my decorating. now that it's just her and tobi, it's alot more subtle, less quirky. {that's kinda sad when it means fewer posters, but definiately a good thing when you're talking about creepy toilets.} they have a real kitchen, all the cupboards have doors on them. even the refrigerator has a wooden door. { and the stove is electric! after being unable to light the old stove myself, this is how i was able to cook at all for her.} it makes her seem really grown up and settled, now that it's her and her boyfriend and their pets, rather than the 3 wild students. luckily there's still stuff to hint at their bohemian lifestyle, like the rabbit eating the wallpaper {"MÜNTE! du bist ein BLÖDE Tier!"} and being yelled at and chased. or the hot water. they have it turned off in the kitchen cause it wastes too much energy and they have a dishwasher (which heats it seperately) and in the bathroom the hot water heater leaks, so the water is turned off until you need to take a shower, when you put the bucket under the heater, turn on the water valve, and turn the water on high for 30 seconds until the heater kicks on. then you have to keep the water on full blast or else the heater will shut off again...then you had to be very careful to turn it off again when you were done or the bucket would overflow.... it was a bit of an adventure. i used a towel ruth brought back from venesuela, though, to keep it all in perspective. ) can you beleve how long those parenthesis were? i feel like i must write something now after them to justify it. this is that.

january books

so, jamie has this meme about 10 books on your bookshelf. i would post it, but a. i never pass on chain emails, so i feel bad doing the same thing on my blog. b. she's the only one with a blog who reads me, so it would end here. and c. i don't have a single one on my shelves! i've read them, but don't own any... wait, i think she had tolken. but that's it. sad, huh? so instead, i will post something i came up with while procrastinating last weekend. i found my booklist. yes, i write down every book i read, with fairly good regularity. and i have been doing this since i quit school after 10th grade. makes for an interesting time line. so without further ado, the highlights of:

january 05-julie ann peters, define"normal, and joe meno, hairstyles of the damned.
january 04-elizabeth honey, don't pat the wombat, and ann bannon, odd girl out
january 03-diana wynne jones, castle in the air, and lloyd alexander, westmark
january 02-jrr tolken, two towers, and jane yolen, 12 impossible things before breakfast (also tamora pierce's the woman who rides like a man, i read alot of books that january, and it's hard to choose)
january 01-madeline l'engle, a swiftly tilting planet, and monica furlong, wise child
january 00-donald kraybill, upside down kingdom, and jostien gaarder, the solitare mystery
january 99-orson scott card, the ships of earth, and james gurney, dinotopia
january 98-fredrick buechner, peculiar treasures, and andrew lang, red fairy book

and that's as far back as my list goes. perhaps i'll do it again in august- my list starts in august 97, so i'll have 9 years then. what do you think? is this an interesting reoccuring feature? have you read any of these books? what do you think? i also have a list of just about every movie i've seen since i left home. they're not as well organized though. and i occasionally go months without watching a movie, and i've never gone more than a week, max, without reading a book.

story of the red skirt comes next, i promise.

does any one have any idea how i can put new lines into my blog? returns are apparently not published. trying to make this at least a little easy to read and user friendly.

i'd like to get my apartment clean before i get involved in emotional hooplah

(title courtecy of a.) so fucked up today. on tuesday g called. did i tell you? no? i must be getting better, think so? SHE was wondering when we were going to see each other. who has EVER heard of her asking that question instead of me? she's like, thursday? are you free thursday night? so we make plans. ruth gave me this awesome star lantern one puts a little tea light in and it glows blue and patterned. so i was lighting that, and thinking how overwhelming my life is, and how i wanted g to see it. but my appartment was still trashed from being sick, unpacking, finals, and on and on. so i took an hour, and all of my strength last night, and cleaned it. washed all the dishes. threw away all the newspapers. put alway the piles of stuff. it really took an hour. it's not that big of an appartment! when i was all done, i rewarded myself by taking a bath. it was really nice. put all my candles in the bathroom. read francesca lia block's fairy tales (can you imagine? not just flb, not just fairy tails, but both together!) and ate chocolate pudding right out of the pot (which floated oddly enough, so it wasn't as messy as you might think. ( i am a very tidy reader/eater. aslo reader/bather.cones from reading alot of library books) very restful, and hopefully good for my health. this morning i put beans in to soak for soup for us tonight, and wore THE red skirt. (story of THE red skirt tomorrow, i promise. it's worth it. it's a great one.) problem: THE red skirt is too long, and has rickrack at the hem, so i can't just shorten it. also, it's a flamenco style skirt, real tight at the top and 2 rows of huge ruffles at the bottom. so there's alot of the bottom to hem. so i'm like i can just wear my heeled boots all day. they're waterproof. remember how i said yesterday it was 55 degrees? that's right, like 12,13 degrees centigrade. well, when i looked to see what the weather was like today, it was raining and the newspaper says both high and low everyday this week is under freezing. today was a high of 31f, low of 0f. so i decide it's still worth it, the chicks in the costume shop will like it, and i can just hold up the hem to keep it dry all day. risha was working today, so i was glad i looked sexy, but she was listening to her ipod and was pulling costumes for her show, so i didn't really talk to her. she's 21 now. we'll have to go out. anyway. MY SHOW. was panicking this morning. but felt better once i got to school and saw it was cast. i talked to patty and she told me what i needed for our meeting next week. it's less than what i was expecting, so that's wonderful. i think i can do that. and then my actors started coming! there are only 8 of them, but 6 of them showed up today to get measured and get their scripts!!!! horray!! i feel much better now that i've seen their faces, i think it's been cast really well, and i think i'll be able to come up with designs now that i've actually seen who will be playing the roles. so i was feeling confident. then i got on the bus and checked my voicemail. g called to say she forgot about important dinner with the roomates, and prolly won't make it over. after an hour of cleaning and a whole day of this stupid wet hemline! bitch. fuck her. checked my mail- electric bill. $44! this is why i dont turn my heat on!! i can't afford $44 to heat my house every month! it's like, 9 in the summertime. that's so reasonable. electric heat is SO SO expensive. it's time to put the sweaters on again. g called to make plans for the future. it was fun to be a bitch and the inaccessable one this time. sorry, i'm writing a paper this weekend. you can't see me on saturday. maybe some other time. monday maybe, but i have my fashion final tuesday. take that! not that she's as emotionally caught up in seeing me as i am in her. however, right now i have too much to worry about to spend much time infatuating. certainly not any time to clean my fucking apartment. whatever. good for the soul and that shit. perhaps my paper will be written faster in a clean house. called a. and we finally talked, so that was good relief. i can rely on some friends. still not feeling positive. won't get my show done on time. will get kicked out of the program. or at least never hired in chicago. won't get papers done, will fail, will loose, have no friends, no one calls me, no one comes over when i clean my house, i only know 2 people in this city of 3 million, no one comments on my blog no one reads it, i am stupid and alone. (jamie, you are exempt of course! you a great commenter! i love it! and you've blogrolled me too, so you're keeping other people reading me! and you're gonna get me that perfekte welle song! so you are exempt. what a friend we have in jamie. etc. you'll get your own entry someday soon. perhaps after the red skirt.) a, since you answered the phone, i think i'll exempt you too. g is not exempt. but she doesn't read here, of course, so it doesn't even matter. now if you'll forgive me, i'm going to start eating this huge pot of bean soup that will get me through the weekend. was gonna make biscuts, but it's stupid to make biscuts for one. which i might do just to cheer myself up, but then i would have to preheat the oven, etc, and after getting my electric bill i may never turn on my oven again till spring.

chill

i didn't tell you about my chill, did i? it was awful. i guess it was sunday night. after i'd finished my paper, and i was just typing online. i had the heat turned off, as i had just spent time in germany, and they are all so good at keeping their heat regulated. unfortunatly, my house has no doors, it's mostly a big box with a few walls. and the windows.... don't get me on the windows. and the heater in the studio (read: bedroom/living room/ office) doesn't work. so i can heat the whole house with the one in the dining room no problem, but it takes some time. it's just a mess. anyway, had the heat off all day, which was silly, should have had it on when i was sitting still working. so i'm all distracted online, and all of a sudden, i realize i'm really cold. not unusual, i often need to go put on a sweater. but then i realized i was shivering inside of my thick tights, flannel petticoat, jeans, longsleeved t and ruth's big wool sweater. that awful cold where your joints ache, your nipples hurt, your toes are numb...awful. put on my nightgown but left on the petticoat and sweater, put both duvets on my bed, filled up my hot water bottle, and put on a hat. and turned on the heat, of course. granted, staying up way past my bedtime and not eating dinner prolly didn't help things much, either. i kept waking up all night taking off layers. by morning i was in just a tshirt and a sheet, and completely drenched with sweat. have felt yucky ever since, it's like i'm going through the flu one symptom at a time, instead of all at once. i hope i can hold out until the end of the semester, when i'll have time to take care of myself and recover.

but about today. the notable thing is i got stuck in an elevator. was going up to water the flowers on the 92nd floor. got on the elevator and the outside doors closed, but the inside ones didn't quite. i was afraid it was going to move like that, but it didn't. the security guy answered quickly, and was very friendly. i was all by myself and it was a huge elevator. so it was a very bizzare feeling, knowing how much this would freak so many people out, but i didn't care at all. i'd be terrified stuck in an elevator in my building, knowing it would drop me down 8 floors. but i trust the sears tower elevators, and i was still on the 2nd floor, so i didn't have anywhere to drop to, and there was lots and lots of space,, and i knew the security guy was calling charles and letting him know what was tatking me so long, and there are little tvs with news clips to keep me entertained. apple is planning on selling a 99$ ipod. islamic terrorists were found in munich. a and aa grade of eggs grades shell thickness, not quality. is 50degrees and raining in chicago today. it was maybe 5, 10 min. before the repair person came to let me out. still, it seems like a good ice breaker at a party or something. "well, i was once stuck in an elevator in the sears tower. it was just me, and all i had with me was a little pink metal watering can."

mom's opinion on b. a. church

you remember her, the terrible fashion history professor?

Rainheads: have i bitched about her mutluple choice? she's one of those:
a. lord fonleroy suits
b. eaton collars
c. cravats
d. a & b
e a, b, &c
FunkySheep: she should be shot
FunkySheep: no that is too painless
FunkySheep: boiled in tar
FunkySheep: and feathered
FunkySheep: with a cravat

nother daily post

actually have a list of things to post about when i get the time. when is that going to happen? jan. 21st. it's nice to have a date. then i have to start seriously worrying about my play. eep! i'm so terrified! rained today, and melted about half the snow. so now we've only got about 15 cm left, and i get so sad because the white stuff washes away before the black stuff does. i hate black snow. went over to g's last night, because i was still working on that damn fashion notebook and i was getting stir crazy. joe only came over briefly, but i had to leave at 11 cause she was going over to his place. he's such a bitch recently. after he called i said to g, "if he's in as bad a mood today as he was thursday, i'm leaving." and she said, "he was in a really good mood, considering. things have been really hard for him lately." g and her roommates had their appartment broken into. it's really scary, 2 of them were there, but their appartment is huge, and the 2 girls in the front didn't hear the guy come in the back door and take g's bag, cds, and joe's laptop and ipod. granted, this is awful. i can't imagine how annoying i would be if my computer was stolen. however... i don't know.
and just because it's easier than email:
personal to amy- are you alive, darling? you should communicate, call, email, anything.
personal to michi- read something and it made me just remember...ask janik how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

dinner at the madhouse

when i was putting g's number in my cellphone, i said, what should i call you girls? and one of her roomates said, it's in mine as the madhouse. so that's what it is. after 2 phone calls and a text message after my return, g finally calls me on thursday and leaves a message that her friend britney is in town and is making a middle eastern feast and do i want to come over for dinner? so i saw her, for the first time since i've come back. it was crazy, 9 people running around, eating together. wierd interactions. brittney in the kitchen, cooking up a storm. cool hair. like my cousin sarah's, long in the front, spiky in the back. g and i end up hiding in her room where we exchange christmas gifts. very successful, she seemed greatful and adoring of my gifts, and i feel well known by hers- vanilla sugar for drink glasses, tiki stationary (like the tiki lounge! RIP) and tachentucher (pocket tissues) with a picture of a glamorous 50's woman with the words "she liked imaginary men best of all." everyone seemed busy, so i sat down at the dining room table with joe, who was just reading there. he was so unfriendly, seeming tired and bitter. there was an empty vodka bottle on the table, so i wondered if he'd been drinking, and wanted to make sure i never went out with him if this is how he gets. i don't know if that interaction scared me off, but i didn't get to know brittney, didn't get to hear about anyone's christmases, in general felt superfluous. joe was trying to rush people the whole meal and after, cause they were aparently all going out for hooka. i was already feeling so out of it i didn't even feel bad declining due to work the next day. he was totally annoying- all i could think of was how charming janik was, and how kind and accepting of the group, when he was trying to keep michi moving. it was not a good day for my new plan, that since i will never convince g of what a jerk he is, that since they're probably going to get married and move west momentarily, i need to figure out what she sees in him and learn to stand him. my mantra has mostly been, he's better than marty, but he wasn't really that night.

uni hell

i know you're dying to hear what's happened to me since my return, but all i've done is gone to school. and now i have so much work this weekend! a 10-15 page paper, my fashion notebook of min.50 labled images fitting into 15 time periods, and research for next week's 10-12 page paper. i wanna weekend. the end will never come.

fin

the ice was right on schedule and i got to the airport trouble free, was the first person in the air india line. and one of 10 or so people to fly from frankfurt to chicago on air india. very differnt than the other way! i ended up finding my gate 2 hours before the plane takes off. used up my last 3,26 on a phone call to meike's mailbox and some candy. eventually they opened the gate up for the 10 of us, then our plane pulled up and we were joined by the 690 indians. they all looked tired. i was glad i hadn't gone the whole way to bombay. the plane was late, then once we finally got to o'hare, it took me all night to get home- each of those 700 people had 3 suitcases, and if they come off the belt at about 1.5 seconds per suitcase, how long will i have to wait? i never did get the math right in my head, but it was over an hour. it was a wet drizzly german night. and the bus took a long time. but the elevator worked, and i was home by 9, and so my 20 hour journey finally ended. then we got a huge snowstorm (20-25 cm!) wendsday and thursday, so i was glad i wasn't pulling my suitcases home in that. now that i'm home, i'm trying to keep the germanness from wearing off too soon. i have this tiny, tiny little thermos my mom sent me (it holds .25 liters!) with smurfs on it, and i've been drinking tea in the morning and then taking the rest with me. it reminds me of ruth, of course. also have defrosted bread from my freezer and am eating it with the rest of my nußnugat creme. and a hard boiled egg for protein. i feel very german. i left my heat off once i got home, except in the bathroom. it reminds me of those little german wohnungs, and i can wear sweaters. i wore ruth's lovely sweater on tuesday, then the red skirt to show off to charles at work on wendsday (note- bad choice for a snowstorm) and then wore my new jacket thursday! i was surprised to find my charm from new years still in the pocket! it's so hard to believe it was only a week ago. it's like a dream to me- one of those wierd dreams where you wake up and you thought it was a dream but then how come there's silver polish chipping off your nails? very mysterious.

tschüß

on the fucking train again. it keeps getting worse. we were both testy in the morning, i with traveling and ruth with not sleeping well, dreaming that i'll miss my train. why do i bring so much heavy shit with me? damn christmas. damn that nutella, all that chocolate. i'm just a mess here. an indian family was taking up the entire elevator, so ruth and i had to carry my suitcases and our backpacks and her bike up the stairs. the train was packed. she said, i'll wait here with your luggage while you look for a seat. i will never ride a fucking ice without a reservation again. i don't care if they're 10€, i couldn't find a seat anywhere, ok, there were about 3 left, but no place for my suitcases. at thee 2nd to last car i was worried about my luggage, so i got off the train, found ruth, and started to babble, to panic. she's all german, "caitlin, there is plenty of space, but you need to get on the train now because it leaves in one minute" so we took my suitcases and hauled them in an open door. i was just bawling, and she hugged me, said goodbye, kept saying it was gonna be alright. then the doors shut and i gathered my suitcases in a pile to start moving them, and then she did that thing that breaks my heart everytime. as i'm waving and crying from the window, she starts running along side the train, down the gleis till we're too fast and i can't see her anymore. i found a seat right inside the door, my big suitcase would not fit behind the seat, so i just left it in the vestibule, and put the other one abouve my and my seatmate's heads. i end up crying sporatically all the way to würtzburg. i wonder if perhaps i'll cry for the rest of my 16 hr. trip. i can't move, as every time i do, the doors to the stupid vestabule open. somebody kill me.

orangina und amaretto

ruth was working at the jazz club again, so we tood the ubahn back to bärenschanze, walked to the loft- and found it CLOSED for new years! oh my goodness! no wonder ruth didn't know who was playing! what do we do now? i didn't want to go home, i was afraid she'd just fall into bed, and i was excited about going out. so, we went back to aufseßplatz and i went to a bankomat and got out just 20 €. then we went to the crêperie at casablanca, but it was closed for new years too. ruth thought of a nother bakery sort of place, but they weren't open this late. so we were at he casablanca bar, where i thought we'd end up anyway. we drank away my 20€ and told stories and memories and laughed and ended up closing the place down at one. ruth was so humored by me- she said, "i was surprised anyway that you drink alcohol, but that you drink such fancy mixed drinks!" the 2 winners of the evening were bitter lemon (i's like sparkling lemonade) with gin and orangina with amaretto. yum! the bartender was playing jazz when we first came in, but later he put on tori's orbiting venus. it was totally appropriate. i kept singing to ruth crazy lines- the truth lies in bewteen the first and the fortieth drink, i was electromagnetically sucked back in time to 1984, frangipani- get out of my garden! it was a totally fun way to spend my last night in germany. i guess it's sunk in that i'm here, because leaving is starting to hurt- not that it does yet, but that feeling when you cut yourself and you can't feel it yet, but you know it's going to hurt quite alot in just a moment.

mein letzt tag

my last day. the anniversary of the great bombing of nürnberg. they opened some bunkers for the first time since the war, and we went on the tour. we got there early, but we still had to get tickets for the 2nd tour. so we went to a cute cafe and had a cup of coffee first. the bunkers are all through nürnberg- makes you wonder if the whole city will someday collapse into them. there was one just for art- the emperor's crown, scepter, apple, and 4th royal thing, and all the church windows. the one we toured was for the schoolchildren and different government offices. not particularly interesting, but i was able to apriciate ruth's superior translating skills. there was this british guy (my saying british guy confused tobi, as his german was very franconian, but is english was british, so there) who was also translating into english for this ethnic girl. he seemed to give longer more assured translations than ruth, so i tried listening to him, but he seemed to say the same thing in twice as many words. so i believed ruth really DID say everything necessary, she was just very concise about it. after that, we went out for lunch as i'd promised. it was hailing and gross, but we warmed up at enchilada, a mexican restaurant. how fun! they even had corn tortillas for ruth! cracks me up to be eating mexican food in germany. my spinat empeñadas were really good, though. we had to work, unfortunately, so we left the altstadt and went home. tobi was going back to neumarkt, so i said my goodbye to him. then ruth and i worked for a few hours- until i finished my paper. i sent a few more emails out, then packed my suitcases up and made more hommus for my next day's lunch.

kino

we didn't get up till 1 the next day. i'd called america (only 9 or so there!) the night before, but didn't stay up too much later. the three of us had a complex undefinable german meal of leftovers and breakfast foods. we thought we'd go out for a movie, but we could agree on nothing- all the english movies at the roxy were gross, the home at the end of the world at the casablanca was too late, and depressing, and everything else was too german- i wouldn't be able to follow it. so we just stayed at home and watched the dvds i brought with me. kissing jessica stein and when harry met sally. it as a short day ending with a big fight for ruth and tobi- but that's just how they are. for only spending about 10 hours awake, it felt like a complete day.

wie ein krieg

tobi drove us to the party. then left his care there. he didn't want to leave it on the south side over new years (we make lots of jokes about ruth living on the "southside" of nürnberg). he said kopernikusplatz was "wie ein krieg," like a war. i imagine eggs and toilet paper, but when we took our sekt outside for midnight, i saw what he meant. there was already a low cloud of smoke, and everyone was setting off fireworks. not just sparklers and noisemakers, but real fireworks. and the sky wias filled with green and pink sparkling light. tobi said to me in english, this day every year makes the nürnbergers remember WWII. everyone esle rolled their eyes, but the big bombing of nürnberg actually happened january2. all the nois and the rockets did make it easy to imagine what war would be like, but all the people so calm and excited ruined that atmosphere for me. if it was war, we wouldn't say, oh how pretty! we'd be running for the bonb shelters.

29- fröhes neu jahr

the party! we were in charge of desert, so we brought tiramasu and cupcakes (ruth must really like these people to share her american frosting) after i got all dressed up (ya know, blue satin mini, fishnets, glitter legwarmers, false eyelashes, the whole 9 yards) ruth just laughed at me, but tobi was a bit freaked out- like i had suddenly changed his entire impression of me. the party was very successful. i was lost alot of the time, but i followed alot of the time, too. remembered most of the names. the food was good. everyone was impressed with my german. ruth translated the important stuff. i lay in bed that night with so much to say about the party, but now it's all gone, no more feelings, just facts. we had alot to drink- sekt, wine and these new things that are all the rage in spain- crushed ice, with squeezed limes, rum and brown sugar. there was pear schnapps, which i didn't think i wanted, but it seemed like everyone else was having, so i succumbed. upon sipping, it was clear it was one of the most disgusting things i'd ever tasted. they laughted at me and i whined it was just the pear, i hate pears, i'm not a wimpy drinker, honest. so they poured me some grape schnapps and i took it in 2 gulps- a big improvement ( and don't give me any of this you gotta take a shot all at once business. that's not me. i drink communion wine in 2 sips, eat a mon cheri in 2 bites, etc.) right before midnight, we all piled on the bed/ couch and watched dinner for one. horray for english language on german tv! meike told me i had to see it on new years, and so i was so glad it was important to bavarians, too. after the new year, ruth got really tired an stopped translating, and they were all talking about scouting things, anyway. later she started translating again, just to keep herself awake i think, and it was just as boring and pointless as she said. but then we did another cool german tradition. you melt these little lead charms in a spoon over a candle, then pour the lead into a bowl of cold water. you then decide what it looks like, and look that up in the glossary to get your fortune for the year. mine looked like a giraffe, which wasn't a choice. we finally decided a dragon. and i got a poor translation of the fortune, but i believe it was, don't fly. oh dear.

speise

on friday, we had a real german breakfast, with brötchen, a lazy susan full of stuff to put on them, a post of tea, and ruth and tobi and i all sitting down together. then we realized it was a noon and we needed to shop before the party! i realized shops close at one today, holiday tomorrow, sunday the next day, and monday early i leave. i must buy everything in the next hour! not that i have much space left in 30 min. i'd spent my last 25 euro on a backpack full of tampons and chocolate. forgot the kircherbsen for the hommus, so went back out- kinda a big deal from the 3. stock (4th floor) but for 50¢ a can, hommus is a great party food. (they are "church peas" in german.) we cooked (cupcakes and tiramasu) cleaned (vaccuum, trash, bathroom) and are now sitting down to work. ruth on her thesis, tobi trying to download mp3s leagally, and me writing this. but i'll have to stop now- at least until i've lived more life!

sie oder du?

always learning more and more about this, i've given up hope on learning articles and cases, no one really cares that much if i fake it. but it's really important, i think, to know the difference between formal and informal. i never really understood it well in spanish, then i started to learn german and the rules are all different. meike's mom gets really upset when i speak to her formally. but ruth's mom doesn't correct me. i think perhaps it's better to call them polite and impolite like ruth does, but that makes du seem rude. my new insights: meike likes when the parents of her patients call her sie. her patients can call her du of course, but when a parent calls her du it makes her feel like she has to become very personally involved, and she feels alot more responsibility. at the jazz club, ruth calls everyone du. it was suprised, casue anyone i've ever given money to has called me sie, but she says because it's a bar, by calling people du, especially new people, it makes them feel like they're part of the club. she always calls men du there, even older ones; she says they really like it. so perhaps familiar and unfamiliar is better. i'm still not sure, but i fell i've gotten a better grip on it.

jazz club

tobi was late picking us up- ruth was angry. we had just enough time to reheat the rice and hang up the laundry, we ate the rice on the ubahn. we walked to the loft, the jazz club where she works thursday and sunday nights collecting the entrance fee. while she was stalking down people who had already come in, i had another lousy german experience trying to order a drink. they did not have amaretto. so i was going thorugh my list of favourite drinks in my head, trying to figure out what i could say in german that they would have in america. i usually order vodka with cranberry juice as my basic low stocked bar drink. but no one but venison chefs in germany has ever heard of a cranberry. i ended up with vodka and orange juice, but the conversation had ended up in english, and i fear with an offended bartender. ruth had a pretty easy job after that. we just stood at the end of the bar and talked all night while she stopped everyone who came in the door.